We were supossed to have a family dinner last night ... the family dinner idea turned into a nightmare … as I pulled in the driveway and went in the front door she was answering a phone call from the OM. I got very upset and told her that if she had any ounce of respect left for me she would ask him to not call our house anymore. I explained to her how bad it huts me when they talk and asked her to please feel open enough to talk to me about anything. And I told her again that we need to tell the kids something because I cannot pretend like there is nothing going on at all anymore. At this point I heard our oldest child (15) going up the stairs, he overheard the whole conversation. She was supposed to go into work last night and he was going to be there. I expressed to her how much I admire her honesty and asked her to please not start lying to me. She ended up not going in to work. We sat on the porch and she proceeded to tell me about some things that do that she doesn’t like, but I know about those, I’ve been thinking about that since D-Day 4 days ago. I even pointed out one or two that she missed … was that bad? Then she said ‘I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m sure there are things about me that get under your skin” but I couldn’t think of any … all I could think of are the things she does that I love … so I started telling her those things. She ended up leaving for an hour and went to a fast food place to get something to eat and some ‘alone time’ I was awake when she came home but I couldn’t put myself through any rejection so I pretended to be asleep on the couch (where I have been since D-Day) … she never made an attempt to wake me, she didn’t even come in the living room.

She was asleep when I left for work today, I put a love note in her cosmetic bag, and kissed her forehead when I left. When I got to work I sent her a text message but didn’t get a response after an hour so I called and told her that I’m worried about her, it was brief. I called her a few hours later and the phone was busy … I was going nuts, I needed to hear her voice. I finally got through and we talked for 25 mins … I told her that I can’t stop thinking of her, she says “I don’t want to hurt you but I can’t change the way I feel” I told her that I miss her, I miss all the little things, the hug and peck on the lips when I get home from work … that not being there really hurts. She never mentioned the note or the text message … maybe she hasn’t seen them yet.

What can I do?

If you can, please explain to her that she CAN change her feelings. I have a chapter in my blog regarding the ability to change feelings. Rather than reprint it here, you can go to the link.>A Hopeful Heart:Emotions Article

First things first. I get the sense that you are letting your Wayward wife think that YOU are responsible for he cheating. Please DO NOT misinterpret what you read on this site to say that yoy should BE RESPONSIBLE for your wayward wife's cheating affair. She is 100% RESPONSIBLE for cheating on you and risking the family unit, the children's well being, and the health of you and her. Yes, you no doubt had a role in the degeneration of your marriage, but DO NOT in any way, shape, or form take any of the blame for her cheating on you and commitinig the ultimate marital betrayal. YOU DID NOT make her do this. Please stop with that nonsense now.

Second thing is you should fully realize that telling her things like "I told her that I miss her, I miss all the little things, the hug and peck on the lips when I get home from work … that not being there really hurts".....will NOT likely of be any help to you now. Telling her these kind of things universally never work. Read the book that PB&J mentioned above by James Dobson. That book is IMO the best book ever written on this infidelity stuff.

Realize that many many people are here and experienced and survived the disaster that you are living now. Read the website, it is all here. You can know what to expect here with your wayward wife, with scary near pin point accuracy. I would surmise that you can predict what your wayward will say and do to rationalize her affair and the devestation that she is going to cause for your family. ALl Waywards go to the same school and they read the same books. The handbook they use is around here somewhere, I think in PDF format (joke... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />).

But seriously, I would first step back and TRY not to do anything rash, try not to think that this is the end of your life and that YOU or your marriage (or both) cannot survive. The key for you is to learn from the mistakes that we all have made. If there is one thing that I feel newbies fail at is their misguided belief that "their Wayward is different". They should be reading here and seeing what we all did wrong and try to benefit from those struggles. Sadly, that is an extremely hard thing to do, and many a Betrayed Spouse "goes it alone" with their "modified" plan and invariably gets predictable results.

BOL,

Sour...................

WOH,

"What can I do?"....May I suggest that maybe you are DOING TOO MUCH?? You are being so lovydovy and sweet to her she will develop tooth decay.

You seem to be coming off, at least to me, as clingy and needy, and a whimpering quivering bowl of jelly.

As LemonMan so rightly told you...YOU ARE NOT THE REASON YOUR WIFE IS BETRAYING YOU!!

Get a SPINE and get hold of yourself. Get pissed at her for what she is doing to you and yours. NO LBing if plan A is the call, but maybe ease back on the smothering love stuff.

It helps if you can be pro-active rather than reactive. Who can you expose to?? He is single, and sounds like he could give a $#8! about you, so maybe a man to man discussion. Ladies like a man that fights for what is his.

Expose to the workforce.....if they don't already know. Expose to her folks, siblings, and friends. Expose to your friends.

Change the locks on the doors, the next time she leaves to go to a party with him!!!!

What you can do is to find any means at your disposal to stop the contact. Get him fired from work!! You must stop the contact and since they work together, the workplace must be your main target.

This is not the time to be politically correct or socially acceptable. This is a war and you are fighting for your family....and this single dude who wants to do your wife is the enemy!!!

Look into AntiDepressants maybe. They will help you think more clearly and tone down the emotions that are racing through your head.

Stay here for the support MB will give you.

God Bless you.

k

T2C, lemonman and krusht are so right.

I was not terribly clingy when my WW started her affair, but I allowed her to justify it. I was so good to her. She even said she couldn't believe how amazing I was, to be so honest about my own failings, blah blah blah. I busted my butt to show her I could change my bad habits, to show her that she could love me the way she had before.

I don't exactly regret the way I dealt with things, but if I had it to do again, I would have been much more indignant.

When my WW went off to get some "time alone" to "think", she was either sitting with friends running me down and making excuses for the affair, or she was hooking up with the OM. THEY ALL DO THIS.

The next time your WW tells you she needs to go somewhere to think, tell her to try the bathroom.

If she needs to run around and have time to herself, whether she actually spends it alone or with friends or (much more likely) with the OM, one thing you can be sure of is that the things she does during this time will only make the death of your M more likely.

If I had it to do again, when my WW said she needed to leave for a day or two to think, I'd have told her not to come home and called a lawyer. Terrifying, I know. Unthinkable. But if you're disengaged from what she's up to, just sitting there hoping she decides to do the right thing, you stand to get hurt very badly. Trust me, I've been there.

GC