If your husband has purchased a new vehicle for you as proof that he wants to move forward, then he oughta be able to handle the truth. He's either being sincere or he's a big fat liar. If he "goes underground" about it, then I'd say you need to take "tough love" even further and show him the door. There's no telling what ELSE he may be hiding that you do NOT know about.

But really, from the sound of your post, I think he's working on it, and just needs to know what level of honesty is expected of him. If his reaction is anything but confession and repentance, then you have a big problem and you may as well know it now.

Regarding Dr. Harley's admonition to do whatever it takes to sever all communication with the OW, I wholeheartedly agree. Every time I had ANY contact with the OW, it sent my recovery spiraling backwards. Once all contact really ceased, the "fog" slowly lifted and stayed gone.

Simply ask your husband if she's still trying to reach out to him in any way. If he says no, then GENTLY let him know that you know otherwise, but simply tell him that you're not going to let him know how you know. And work it out from there. If he keeps lying, or gets angry and defensive, then deal with it appropriately. Just my thoughts.

DubID,
My gut says he's working on getting her to stop contacting. That's what my instincts say. And they're not bad too either. I felt something just about the time this A started, but could not prove a thing, until I went snooping.

Your gut probably serves you well. It's good that you have enough faith in him to feel that he's really trying to stop. Which are you now more concerned about?

1) How he'll feel about you "snooping"
2) Complete and transparent communication - real restoration

I need total transparency. I have told him that I will be watching. And he knows that I have little trust. But I do have faith. I've been with him exclusively since I was 17, and he was 18.

My wife and I were both 19 when we married. We're now 2 1/2 years past dday. I somewhat expect her to "check up" on me. She knows my "standard" username, password, login information, cell phone PIN, etc. I guess I could go off & start up another email address, change my login information, etc. but I don't know who I'd email...and if I did, I know it would jeapordize all the work on building trust that we've done. That would be awful. I hope you and your husband get to the point that neither feels a need for secrets. Transparency is so much easier and less stressful.

Michele,

I think your husband is making a mistake that a lot of FWS's make when ending the affair. They don't go cold turkey. They feel responsible for the OP's pain and feel a little contact is necessary to help the OP have "closure" and get over it.

The FWS (in this case, your husband) does this in secret because they truly do not want to cause any more pain to their spouse. They feel caught between a rock and a hard place. They don't realize that by being courteous to the OP and trying to help them go on with their life, that they are doing just the opposite to their BS, prolonging the BS's pain and keeping recovery on hold.

Often what can happen is the affair gets rekindled.

It sounds like your husband is trying to do what he thinks is the right thing. I agree with the advice to tell him you found out there's been contact and then give him a chance to explain. My hunch is that he'll tell you all about the secret email account and why he felt it necessary to go behind your back.

Just a hunch. I could be wrong. But this needs to get out in the open and soon. You need to deal with OW together as a team. He needs to tell you when she contacts him and how he handled it (preferably by completely ignoring her from this point on). This is the only way OW will get the message that he has moved on and is making his life with you and not her. With every contact, she thinks she still has a chance.

~ Snow

Snow is "right on".

I kept accepting/replying to emails from OW for a while, but I also told my wife about the contact. Then one day, the OW asked me in an email if she could...get this...of all things use me as a JOB REFERENCE, she was thinking about moving to another town.

I finally got up the guts and told her no way would I give her a reference, and I really hoped she would move, and not only move, but let my wife know her forwarding address and phone number, and be sure to tell my wife if she ever gets the hair-brained idea of moving back to our town so she could prepare.

That stopped the contact. I didn't hear from her again for well over a year, and then she called. It took me by suprise, and after I regained my composure I said "I should not talk to you" and hung up the phone.

The OW just won't "get it" unless your husband is absolutely blunt with her, and it'll probably take YOU telling your husband how necessary it is for him to do this before he'll get the....guts...to do it. Snow is right...you need to work as a team on this. The secrets do NOT make a good team effort.

Well
I asked him about any contact tonight when he came home. He admitted it and quickly went to the computer to show it to me. He was doing what I had thought. He was trying to help her get over it so she would stop the contact. He was trying to end it "nicely" because her tone had changed a bit. And he wasn't sure where she's going. I felt what he was saying was true.

So we wrote one last email and said this was it. No more. And we sent it. I know she'll keep sending stuff so I will delete the email account. WH said that she set up the account and B mailed him through a forum that he goes on. She set it up in his name and gave him a password. Pretty bold. He had replied twice, both saying that he could not meet with her and she needed to move on. I could verify that. So right before I got on here, I checked it again. She is now sending pictures that they took on their secret trip to Key West in April. I tell you this is looking more and more like some kind of blackmail. She said she found them on her camera and asked what did he want her to do with them. Of course, he doesn't want them and now sees the real OW. I'd rather deal with them now then in 2 years when we're in recovery. I don't know what she plans on doing with them. No telling.

Right now it's not killing me. It seems I'm in another mode to protect my WH. I'm sure I'll feel bad later. But I'm OK right now. I'm ready for her to play her whole hand and by silence show her it doesn't matter. My WH and I are going to stay together. I'm stronger than she is.

Good, Michele! I am glad he was truthful with you. I hope you didn't reveal the source of your "intuition".

I hope OW gets the final message and leaves you all alone.

Michelle, for the love of God, just stop the rationalizations and excuses for your ? former wayward husband. I completely understand your need to want to blame the setback on the OW, but just accept this for what it is. Your Wayward is the guilty one here because HE had every chance to spurn her advances and efforts and tell you. The OW has NO POWER if your WAYWARD cuts her off. He is the one giving her any POWER to still play havoc in your life's.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but there is NO sugarcoating this. YOU need to spell this out to your Wayward that NC means NC...NO MATTER WHAT. What will be the consequences if there are repeated "setbacks"?

When you start to move the boundaries a little, it usually turns into "alot".

A brash, and weary Sourmale slinks back off the computer onto the couch.

Night.

Don't worry I don't take any offense. You're right that he could have cut it off, I won't say that he's not wrong. He may see it this time. I tried to explain to him that by contacting her it also keeps her from getting over this. It brings her back into the first day of withdrawal. Which she is in badly. I won't make any more excuses for him. He knows contacting was really bad. He says that he doesn't miss her at all and that his feelings for her were not what they appeared in all those early contacts before exposure. He said it was neat that someone like her was attracted to him (he is balding and 50 lbs overweight, she is a gorgeous woman). Anyway, I won't make excuses.

Listen to the Sour One on this. I was in a very similar place a couple of weeks ago, and came out in triumph. WH turned back into FWH, but the triumph was that I would have held firm no matter what his choice. I will loan you my Red Cape of Power if you need it. Be strong! *inclines head respectfully to the aserbic physician*

(Oh, and thanks, LM, I haven't seen you on here to tell you till now.)

Michele, what LM and neak are saying is true. It's natural for the BS to put a heavier responsibility on the OP early in recovery. But for proper healing to go forward your husband will need to accept that he kept this thing going by contacting her and you'll eventually have to see him as a co-partner in this crime. It's part of the process.

As per the blackmail, is it your sense that she is trying to do that? If so, perhaps you could ask your husband if she has something she could hold over his head. Explain that you need to know it now, not six months from now. You are dealing with the shock and trauma now and any pertinent information that affects you should be encouraged to come forth now.

You're doing well, lady. I'm impressed...

~ Snow

Snow, these pictures she has sent are explicit. Very. There can't be any pictures that are worse. I don't know what she plans on doing with them. But they could damage his rep, I'm sure. I will ask him if there is anything else. He said that she saved everything that he ever sent her(pics,emails,etc). She put all of it in a file for some reason. I guess I could get sent all of that. But I will delete that email account shortly, however, I'd rather see it all now. I may wait. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm doing ok. I guess I'll try to get some sleep. I'll check back in the later am.

Michele,

Gonna share my story a bit. Take heed that this is for real! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Ws said he wanted to end it with the OW (btw, this happened several times). OW setup at least 6 e-mails for the WS and a few more for herself. Sent 'explicit' pics of her which unfortunately I viewed during one of our 'recovery episodes', pixs in places where the sun don't shine and it was uuuuuggggly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

WS said the OW saves 'everything'. She even admitted to recording their convos and playing them over and over just to hear his voice. R we talking psycho? Uh huh!

The nut made a few mistakes like thinking she could take me on with her not so subtle attempts to tell me off. Well I keep e-mails also. Since I could link her addy with as the same addys she used to communicate to WS via her 'controlled password' e-mails accounts (btw, she did this with voice mail also), I sent a nice letter to her e-mail service provider (hotmail, yahoo, etc.... she had lots) and let them know that abusive and sexally explicity e-mails were being sent to 'my home' (viewed on my computer) and that I was just highly offended.

I did this about 5 times. 3 of those times they shut her e-mails down and one of those contained the 'file' where she had been storing the history of the A. LOL!!! She was furious but couldn't yell at me because, remember she didn't think I had seen all the e-mails from her 'secret accounts'. But I did and forwarded what I could. I even got several apolegetic letters from the service providers along with copies of polices which does NOT allow e-mails t/b used in this manner.

The nut didn't stop there, she later tried to get to then Xws via his ebay account. She called herself 'gardeningnut'.
Well since that one talked about her torrid version of their encounter (some of it took place in her head when she would related about her dreams trying to turn them into reality), I sent that one also to her service provider and they shut her down.

My point is collect what you need, then shut her e-mail down. She will open another, monitor and do it again. You are not the one taking action, the service provider w/b if she is breaking the terms of agreement.

JMHO,
L.

Your husband needs to end his contact with the online group that she goes to in order to keep track of him.

People move to new locations, make new friends with new neighbors all the time in order to enforce no contact. This is the least your husband can do.

Orchid,
That's sounds almost identical. Hard to believe there are alot of nuts out there doing this kind of thing. I certainly will shut her down if this keeps up. I believe she is storing this stuff in a folder in the email account. Wouldn't that be something if she lost all of that in one shot. Hmmm. That ...would be nice.

Kayla, He could get off of that, but I find that not to be a major factor as far as communication. WH is a dentist with a pratice that is advertised in the yellow pages. If she really wants to contact him, I guess she could start harassing him at work. We are not moving and he is not going to close his pratice. So we will just have to stand firm on NC. This time.

I've also got a question about possessions. I know it's a ploy of hers, but he has a few things that belong to her. She left them on the boat. She also was given things by him which she says she wants to give back. As far as the gifts he gave, she can keep them. We don't want them. As far as her possessions, would it be a bad thing for me to drop them at her house when she is not home? Or should I mail them? I know I'll hear you all loud and clear on this one. I'd throw them out, but she wants them back. What do you all feel about this? I think mailing them is a better option. Less personal. Ok let me have it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

What I would do is take a minute to write her a letter saying everything that you're too much a woman to say to her. Get all your emotions, hurt, and anger out. Print that letter and delete it from your computer. Then take said letter, along with any of her personal belonging and gifts. Either find a metal trash container or a fireplace. Squirt a little lighter fluid on them. Toss the letter on top and have a nice little cremation ceremony...... Don't bother trying to roast any marshmellows because her stuff will probably give off a foul odor.....

M,

Hi, it sounds like things went well last night.

Re her possessions: Pack them in a box and take it to the post office. Mail them to her, no note, just her stuff. Do this today. This is definitely a ploy to see you H again. I have seen this before..."I need to see you to get my love-letters (or whatever) back..." Next thing you know, she is launching into a litany on why they belong back together.

Mail the stuff today.

Re the pictures: She can certainly try to use these to blackmail your H. The only problem is that she is in the pictures, too. My guess is that she cares about her own reputation to some degree, and won't use them.

Best strategy (IMO): Ignore her. Change the e-mail. If she is using a forum to C your H, he must ignore her attempts.

This xow (won't use caps anymore for op; they do NOT deserve it)is a cancer that you both have to cut out of your M.

Good luck!