Oh man... what do I think? I think I was born on the wrong planet...
Bob, you're probably right... I just can't understand how someone could let the most petty, self-serving, transparent, etc. emotions get in the way of saving what they most probably know is the The Most Important Thing in their lives... it makes me sorta nauseous...

Shame and Pride -- here's what I was thinking...

Pride precludes appropriate response to Shame.

The shame IS appropriate -- the pride is out-of-whack...

Hey, I'm making perfect sense to myself, anyway...

((( Caren )))

I am soooooo sorry you are going through this. Have you tried something like xanax ? Seems to work for alot of people going through stuff like this.

I am not a big drinker. Don't get me wrong, I have spent my fair share of time on a bar stool, just don't do it anymore. Plus, I have noticed that if I am upset and I drink - I feel much worse. And - want to tell everyone about it !!! lol Alcohol is a depressant and doesn't make any thing any better, usually worse. (at least for me)

Caren you have so very much going for you, you really do. He can not take that away from you and he knows it. That is why he does not permanently want to lose you. You are far too cool of a person to let go. Everyone here sees it. Please look in the mirror and see what we all see !!!

Car

I do see it Carnation, and what Bob and tqt are saying makes a lot of sense.....my husband unfortunately doesn't make any.

I guess there's really nothing *I* can do to get him to see the light.

I told him about the paralegal calling, and had him listen to the message, about living separately for 30 days before the court date......he got pretty stressed out about it....I said "Are we in some sort of hurry?" He said "This is just gonna push everything back....." I left him alone after that, as he complained of having chest pain, and went to bed.

Yesterday I went to my great-niece's b-day party, then I brought the girls home, and my DD13 wanted to spend the night with my Mom, so we got her stuff and my H was here, his Grandfather passed away yesterday, but he doesn't really seem to want to deal with that either....he was avoiding the family phone calls. We went and dropped DD13 off at my Mom's then we went to Wal-Mart. He bought a pair of new jean shorts, a couple of plants, a blender (we made pina coloda's last night). He spent like $50.00. He's not going to be able to afford shopping for groceries if we split up, I tossed around the idea of saying *You're gonna need a sugar Mama to shop after we are divorced*....but I didn't say it. But it's true, he'll be lucky to be able to grocery shop after.

His Mom is really distraught about her father passing away, her mother died about a year and a half ago, now her father passed on yesterday. I haven't seen her, but I know that they could bearly get her to leave the hospital, and she was flipping out because Mark wasn't home and for some reason she thought he didn't know that his Grandpa had passed away, even though she knew that his sister had called him and told him at her request. Mark was never really very close to his Grandpa, he was always hard on Mark because his father had died before he was born, and he was being raised by his Mom and Grandma (His Grandpa's ex-wife) and he thought they were making him *girly*.

I remember one time we were over at his Mom's house and his Grandpa and his wife were there, and we had just decided we were going to get married and he told his Grandpa, he looked at me and said "Why would you marry him?" I said "Because I love him...." he didn't have anything else to say....but I thought, Dang....that was rude....and no one even thought it was strange, or told him not to say things like that......

*Sigh* I guess it's off topic, except for the fact that he isn't dealing with ANYTHING....he's blowing EVERYTHING off. I have no idea about the funeral arrangements, I don't know that they've made them yet....but no one even bothers to call and tell me anything....not that they ever really included me like that anyway. I'm going to call today and offer my help if they need it.

I don't actually know what his family even knows......I don't know what he's told them.

-Caren

Caren:

You know what is really sad about this? I have no doubt whatsoever that you would IN FACT be his "sugar momma" if it meant stay married to this man. I feel so sorry for you. I guess you and I are just "cut from a different" mold. That is ok, this is your life.

SM

I want my marriage!!! I want my fricken husband back!!! I want too many things to count, but being his *sugar mama* isn't one of them.

What I meant by the sugar mama thought, was that he's not thinking this through.....on any level.

And thinking about it is all I do, so I'm an expert on the subject.

Lemon, you are a strong man, I have to admit, that when I read your story, that I still held out hope for you and your wife, even though I KNOW it's the very last thing you'd want.....maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, because it's not just me I feel this way about.

I have hope for everyone, I can't help it..... I take everything into consideration....I don't blindly give out advice anymore....and before all this I would have, I would have given advice shockingly similar to yours lemon.....but I haven't been able to detach as you have, I can't do it, I love him so much. (I'm not implying you are blindly giving advice...I am saying I would have been blasting people who are doing what I'm doing, telling them what *I* would've done in their sitch).

I'm broken, that's all there is to it. And I know that you all know as well as I do, that I won't be *Sad forever*.....but it sure feels like it right now....I can't imagine living the rest of my life without him. He's the only man I've ever loved. And although I know that I could very easily have men interested in me......it doesn't interest me at all.....and being alone doesn't interest me, and having people feel sorry for me doesn't interest me.

I don't need people to tell me over and over what I should be doing...focusing on myself...etc. I know that is what I'm supposed to be doing....doing it is another matter entirely.

I need my husband. I need to feel loved again. I need to understand why the heck I can't let go.

-Caren

Sometimes the answers just don't come that quick to us. That is ok. YOur struggling now. I know as well as anyone that nothing any of us can say to you will make things better for you now, or make you "feel better". That should not be anyone's intent.

I will say this to you Caren. You will feel better when you accept and allow yourself to feel better. You want your husband back, and you are mad, and sad becasue that is not happening...hey, ok, I understand. Noone would begrudge you for feeling this way.

When you are READY to start feeling better, you will feel better. For now, you seem content to pout and ask "WHY" and hope against hope for a stay against the divorce your WH is pushing for. That is ok, it is all part of the process. Untill you are ready to start feeling better, I wish you goodluck.

Hang in there.

When you are sick of being "broken", you will find a way to get "fixed". It is simply that simple. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

SM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well I am mad and sad for those reasons yes....but also because I wonder WHY the heck he is acting the way he is, it makes no sense, to want to divorce me and be all lovey to me at the same time. And I know that I'm not *Supposed* to be participating in all that, but I can't help it. I am so starved for it, that I'll take any little fricken crumb I can get.

I want to have SF with him, who the heck knows when I'll ever get it again after the DV. I just want to cry, and sometimes I do cry......generally not in front of him, but I do. I am now, actually.

And I don't know what I'm doing, I don't talk to ANYONE about any of this, except here. Maybe that's why I rub people the wrong way, you people are the ONLY ones I talk to about any of this, and I type everything I am feeling at the time I'm typing it. I'm an open book.......or a broken record? Maybe both.

I don't know if I should tell him how I feel? I don't know if I should just keep it all to myself.

He doesn't talk about any of his feelings...like when we have talked about the DV, he says, things like the comment about his Mom getting DV'd and remarrying the same man, or that when I said "We were supposed to grow old together..." he said "We're not old yet Caren". He's leaving all these doors open while divorcing me......it's tearing me apart, and yet.............I grab onto every little ray of hope like my life depends on it.

Bob-

You said :
Dreaming 'cos caren's GONE if they D and he won't look right at that fact.

You know, I don't know that this is a true statement.....I don't know if I'm *GONE* or not......I can't seem to close any little door.....maybe if I could I wouldn't be in this sitch.

-Caren

While still trying to figure out WTH your H is doing... of course, so is he....

No you don't, it just feels like it right now.
You've already STATED that you don't need him.

I can't argue with that one... for some reason, I can relate to it perfectly!
But, you will feel loved again, and you know that, too. It's just very hard -- perhaps impossible -- to believe it right now.

Because you're in the midst of the Absolute He|| that this crap is... and you know that, too.
Not to mention, it's harder to "let go" when he's still around!

Stay strong, Caren... and let him see it!

Yes, you say it so well Caren. YOu are indeed settling for any crumbs, but then when you want a "better meal", the crumbs will not suffice. You do "get it" in your own way. As I said before, when you stop eating this way, you will not always be so hungry.

You deserve 5 course meals, not a half of a saltines cracker.

Cheers,

SM

Yes, you're right, I do deserve the 5 course meal, and I am settling for the crumbs....and until I stop settling, that's all I'm going to get.

Arrrgh, I'm so stressed out.....I've lost 5 more lbs. putting me at losing a grand total of 30 lbs on the infidelity diet. So I'm weighing in at like 110 now. I look terrible. I ate twice yesterday....and both times it made me feel sick to my stomach....so I'm basically forcing myself to eat.

I actually think I slept about 6 hours uninterrupted last night, but I think that is due in part to those 3 pina colodas I drank. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin again today though....yippee...go me.

I wish my life came with instructions.

-Caren

Caren,
I am the LAST person to give advice...
My one observation, good bad or just the truth is that I see myself and my situation in your posts. I feel for you, and you are not alone. I can mirror your feelings and observations. This sucks. When LM said that you would be his 'sugar mamma' if that meant staying married, I paused. My best friend said that to me just yesterday.
Danielle

Bob-

You said :
Dreaming 'cos caren's GONE if they D and he won't look right at that fact.

You know, I don't know that this is a true statement.....I don't know if I'm *GONE* or not......I can't seem to close any little door.....maybe if I could I wouldn't be in this sitch.

-Caren

If you intend to offer WH the benefits of a marriage to you after a divorce and you will be happy with that, why fight so hard for your M?.

If you are willing to have a 'relationship' with WH, then you could get that tomorrow, right ?

Or deep down do you know this is devaluing the entry price to your heart ?

Oh I didn't mean that I would continue just as we are after he divorces me, I meant that I wouldn't rule out a 2nd chance for us, that I don't know what it would take for me to be completely done with him.......and I honestly don't. I know that there will come a time when I will have had enough, but to be honest with you, I would have thought I would've reached that point a long time ago.

Danielle, I am sure that you know what I'm talking about.....even if you do divorce your WH.....can you honestly say that if he came to you, sometime afterwards...that you wouldn't entertain the idea??? I just can't say that for sure.

I do trust in God, a whole lot. And I pray everyday, several times a day, and God does answer. He is throwing up roadblocks to this divorce left and right......I haven't heard back about my new job, I can't seem to contact anyone regarding the apartment, the lawyer calling and saying we have to be living apart for 30 days. I would have viewed all this as a stay of execution........but I think in reality it is the beginning of the answer to my prayers. I ask God to change my husband's heart and mind, to make him see that his family is the most important thing, and I believe he is moving him in that direction. It may not be enough to stop the divorce.....I'm not sure, WS's don't like to be proven wrong.....but I do know that God is doing what is best for me, and I have to trust him.

-Caren

Unfortunately, you know what I am going to say Caren. If you would just Plan B him, you would both be better off. Instead, you are going to be drug by this man thru the mud for months, maybe even years...until something changes. You are willingly now allowing him to divorce, hold you in place, so he can do what he wants for awhile without feeling guilty about sleepign around. And then he will come back to what he really wanted in the first place.

Plan B was made for these things...but instead, you jsut accept being treated this way. No boundaries. Nothing.

So, unfortunately, unless you do cut him off and NC him so he can get an idea of what life will be like without Caren, then he is going to just continue to abuse you, hold you in place and do what he wants. He knows you will stay, because you havent shown any spine up until now.

Plan B is the only hope as I see it for this stopping anytime in the near future. Plan B would also allow you to get off the rollercoaster and get your life straight.

So, as Dr. Phil says: "How's it working for you?"

I dont mean to come across as crass. But Caren, you arent doing the things you need to do. And you wonder why you continue to get the same result.

In His arms.

Mortar-

I have been thinking the same thing, but didn't think Plan B was applicable to my sitch, as the OW is out of the picture.......please, can you tell me more??? I believe I am strong enough to execute this now, as I know what the results will be if I don't do it.....I've been living them.

How would I do Plan B in my situation???




-Caren