Sendme, we missed you around here! Congratuations.
I want to know how everything went when you get a chance.

Yes, I have been getting alot of babble and last night confirmed that she is still in contact with OM. So the babble isn't suprising but it is confusing to understand sometimes.

Anyway good to have you back to send me on my way to Plan B <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[/quote]"She brought up the topic of forgiveness last night as it applies to my "spiritual journey". She asked if I was seeking forgiveness or asking for it. I told her both, but I need to forgive myself first before I can truly start to forgive others."[/quote]
[/quote]"She said everyone including me wants her to stay and be unhappy. I said I want her to stay and be happy and that I'm not forcing her to stay."[/quote]
HTW I think it's really encouraging that she believes in your spiritual journey. This kind of thing HAS to be having an impact on your WW. Even if she won't show it, she HAS to perceive that you really love her and care for her, and that she can be happily married to you if she will only let herself.

I can't speak to Plan B. No experience there. But I believe Plan A can work. My suggestion while still in Plan A is to give it one really big surge; a sustained push; really hit the gas pedal for some time and show her that you love her and can forgive her. Love her so that she FEELS loved. And make it extremely clear through demonstrated actions that you are permanently committed to the improvements you've made in yourself.

You know this already, but maybe it's worth cheering you on in the late laps. Good luck and God Bless your marriage. And thanks for your support in my own sitch.

wnh,

I understand what you are saying and even try to ramp up my Plan A at times, but my energy level is so low that it becomes extremely difficult to do.

The WS's actions due take a toll on the BS as you know and so trying to meeet her needs when she doesn't want them met is a difficult task.

Right now I'm in protection mode.

HTW,

I’m sorry to hear that your WW is still in contact with OM. That explains why everything you’ve done with your splendid plan A hasn’t worked.

Please keep protecting yourself. We’re on about the same timeline you and I.

Don’t forget your own mantra “you will be a better person from all of this”. It’s true.

Keep posting about your Plan B if so us long time supporters can know how you are doing.

Protect those children!
Work on yourself!
Don’t give up until you can no longer hope in your plan B.

No matter what happens you will always know that you were honorable, unrelenting, dignified, and courageous. On your last day in this life that will be something to look back upon with great favor.

Best wishes,
Plank.

Got it HTW. I hope I'm not a cockeyed optimist, but I do think I see some signs of hope for your situation. No doubt you're doing all you are able to do to nurse them along. All the best.

Plank, thanks for the nice words. I'll defenitely be here posting my Plan B updates as I go along. I would expect things to get very quiet so I'm not sure how much posting I will do. Hopefully I will be in a better position to help others by then since right now I'm just struggling to get through my own issues and can only give limited help to others.

wnh, I like optimists too since I am one myself. I don't like to get my hopes to high regardless of the issue, but I keep praying. Last night my WW went to bed and I couldn't fall asleep since I was still upset about what happened earlier. So I went downstairs and prayed for my WW. I came back up and was able to fall right to sleep. 2 hours later my WW is nudging me to talk.

I don't see any signs of hope right now, but I always have a little hope locked away.

Hope:

She continues to put you through the mill with no let up. Go with your gut belief but don't follow your emotions. WS's work against the ones that trust them or want to trust them. She sees the OM and immediately tries to blame you.

My wife lied and lied and lied. Every day, she would lie again. She has been a God fearing honorable and rightious person her whole life till the fog kicked in. I am not making excuses but you have to forgive them for what they did, but stop them in their tracks as they do it. Don't confuse being nice with bringing pain and damage to them because of the affair.

WS's are heartless in the fog. It is like they need a priest to perform Exorcism on them to remove the devil (OP) from their body and soul. We have all seen it on TV, the devil does not leave without a fight. I swear my then wayward wife turned her head completely around while dating her lover. Vomit spewed from her daily and I had to take it.

Fight fire with fire and don't let up

TooSoon

I agree, fight the A and don't let up. But it's a different kind of fighting isn't it.. Seems to me one of the key teachings here is that the instinctive response is the wrong response. I think Mortarman once said this is a fight you fight on your knees. To me, the challenge is to fight with love in your heart and in your actions. It is not easy to do that, but necessary.

Yes, the fight is different because it is a fight for the life of your family and if there wasn't love, you wouldn't care nor fight for your spouse. I would call it "Tough Love Heavy" because you have to do what it takes to break through the fog and it is not easy.

You cannot follow your old normal instincts because it will lead you down the wrong pass and your WS will use your own trust of them to their advantage and against you. You wanting to trust them enables the affair to go forward. I am amazed at how much Dr. Harley studied and learned and was then able to break it down in actual stages showing how different all affairs are but how predictable each step of the affair partners can be.

TooSoon

Well today I asked my WW if she intended on keeping her committment to leave by the end of the month. Since she is taking the more expensive car, she is upset that I am asking for the difference in cash. She feels that I am getting more already by keeping the house and other assets. I told her we can value everything and then split it that way.

Anyway she is draging her feet and it is making me upset since I want to get into Plan B soon.

I have decided to rent my basement to help with the expenses once my WW leaves. This will help alot and I will certainly be able to keep the house with the extra income.

also, I had a great dream about my co-worker friend last night and it made me feel wonderful. In the dream she was really interested in me and we had a few nice kisses. I haven't had this type of dream in a LONG time. Usually my dreams consist of WW with OM or me doing something bad to OM. Now I'm dreaming about beign with other women and it feels SO much better.

Although I will miss my W I really need to get into Plan B now before I start to loose too much love for her. I am drained and I can't keep up a strong Plan A, especially when I find out she has been seeing OM. I just feel beaten and exhausted when I'm around WW. It's time!

It is soooo draining living the way you have been. Plan B will bring you some peace.
Even though my WH hasn't moved out he will have to go to Puerto Rico 2 weeks in March. Its funny the air is so much lighter when he is there.

Take care of yourself. Did you get all her stuff moved yet...treadmill and all?

It is PAST TIME!! I think that you need to encourage her to get out nicely. I will call it prestage Plan B. Your love for her is an ember right now. She is clearly dragging her feet waiting for your pain to take over and give into her wants.

The end of the month is in a few days correct?...You need to tell her that YOU'RE taking charge and she WILL BE out by end of month. She is moving onto her family home correct? If so there is no need for delay. Get her out Hope...It is this controlling behavior that makes me believe that Plan B will really drive her nuts and drive home reality that you must stick to it.

As far as the division of assets goes. You're only getting one chance with this do it right this time. I know you understand this could lead to Plan D so act like it is...Give her NOTHING...

Remember, she will be bitter about all of this, you nt giving in and your impending Plan B will be punishment in her eyes and I say SO WHAT?!?! You will find as time goes on that you won;t care what she thinks....

Good luck my friend....

C42, I'm looking forward to the peace brought on by Plan B. Most of her stuff is moved out except her clothes and yes the treadmill. She was struggling with some of the heavy boxes yesterday so I helped her move her boxes to her parents house. She won't leave without having a LS in place and we only disagree on the difference between the cars ($14,000 approx). She feels that since I'm staying in the home I should overlook the difference because according to her the house valued more than what the appraiser said and I won't have to pay stuff like land transfer tax. She also said that I could take the more expensive car and she keeps the home (not happening).

The priamry parent is still an issue although I have repeatedly told her "NO" to her as primary. I don't know if she will still pursue this or not.


Sendme she won't leave without the LS in place and the value of the vehicle is an issue and so to may be the pimary parnent issue. I think you may be right about this since I have told her that "I don't want to be hurt anymore".


Sendme I'm the one who is controlling according to WW.



That is why I don't want to give in to the vehicle issue or primary. She says I'm being unfair but she has forgotten what she originally asked for: $20,000 alimony, $900/month child support, custody with me having visitation, etc. She doesn't see that as unfair.


Yes she is bitter that I'm not giving in and I'm sure she she sees this as punishment.

This morning I got upset with her because I feel she is coddling the kids and has undermined me with them. I told her this and she got upset with me. Whenever the kids don't get their way with me they go directly to WW and that really bothers me since I feel as though I'm being undermined as a parent. She lets them sleep in our bed and stays with them at preschool until they give the ok for us to leave. Well I don't feel any of this is doing them any good and it bothers me that she doesn't back me up all the time. This is not good for the kids right now.

Yesterday I had an allergic reaction to something I ate and developed a rash on my neck and when I came home from work (late due to me falling behind) my WW noticed it and asked what happened. I just told her there is nothing to worry about. Then she said "is it because of me?". I said "I don't think so".

I wasn't feeling well so I took a shower and went to bed. When my WW came to bed she asked if I was ok and also asked "what happened to you?" and "was it something I did?". I guess she felt something happened since I had this rash and then I took a shower at night, which I normally don't do. I just told her everything is fine. I don't feel like I owe her any explanation and certainly don't want her pity.

This morning she asked if I was feeling better and replied to me when I said goodbye for once.

Today I noticed my WW had placed some strawberries and a bag of almonds in the lunch that I had packed last night. This really bothers me since I don't want anything form her anymore. How can she argue about the value of the assets one minute and then put stuff in my lunch bag and appear concerned for my health the next. If she is trying to do this so we can be "friends" after the seperation, she has another thing coming.

I have detached from her and don't want her doing things for me anymore. When she does it just makes me feel like I'm being dragged back on the rollercoaster when I just want to get off.

Just venting a little steam today!

How is your rash today? Did you/can you take benedryl? If it bothers you tonight you could try it and you'll get a good night's sleep.

check out the mid life crisis post by milkshake and all your questions about WW conflicting behaviors will be answered! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hope,
Allergic reactions stink, especially when you're not sure what caused them. I hope all is better in that department.



It has gotten to the point that you look at each others actions differently. She looks at what she did ( putting stuff in your lunch) as "nothing" yet to you it was "she was thinking of me?" You're correct in wondering about motives or anything else. I look at it as she doesn't only SPEAK babble, she does things babble -like...

As far as not wanting to get on the roller coaster....you know if you have your wish you will get on a roller coaster like you have never seen before...the recovery roller coaster is an intense ride....not for the meek or weak.

When trying to work on my M the last time, after having separated, doing things as a family and things going really well. I remember thinking that it was working but we did not communicate our expectations. Reality is I was thinking into every action way to much an she just wanted to get through the day...make sense? Let me put it this way....After 2 really good weeks I am told that I need to take her separation agreement to a lawyer cause she still wants out...to me it was a sucker punch...to her...she asked me why would I think she changed her mind, just cause we were getting along?

So...why is she still there???

Ok I will be sending an email to my WW this morning to encourage her to leave now. What do you think?



WW,

Each passing day my love for you is slowly being destroyed knowing that you are still in contact with OM. The hurt caused by how I am treated is slowly turning into hate.

Unless you are 100% committed to our marriage, please speed up your move out by this weekend.

I don't want to loose all my love for you and I don't want to hate you.

Thanks,

HTW


Opinions please.

OK, I sent the email and got a response that was what I expected. What do you guys think?


WW,

I want you to know that with each passing day my love for you is slowly being destroyed knowing that you are still seeing OM. The hurt I feel is now slowly turning into hate and I don't want to hate you.

So I would appreciate it if you could speed up your move out so I can move on with my life.

Thanks,

HTW



And WW reply to me...


HTW,

I recognize the fact that you don’t trust me and I don’t expect you to. I’ll admit to being at the his station recently, but only because of a transition in ER Reps again. I still have a job to do, and I’m trying to be professional about it. If you hate me as a result, well I don’t blame you. I’ve sent the paperwork to my lawyer and I’ll be contacting some movers to be out of the house shortly.

I don’t think I’ve acted inappropriately and unfortunately, the way you look at me and the attached message confirms what you think.

I appreciate the notice for the daycare, we should come up with a schedule of how we’ll pay moving forward. Please consider having them remain at school during the summer for 2 days of the week, it would give them stability during the early stage of our separation and secure a spot for DD come September.

I don’t expect to be late this evening, as was earlier anticipated. I have to discuss an employee concern with a HUB manager at 6:00pm and then I’ll head home. I’m working from home on March 7th, so please don’t make plans for that day.

I would ask that you stop spying on me, you no longer have a reason to do so, if you’re suspicious about something you should just ask, I have nothing to hide.

WW

Someone who has nothing to hide has no worry about being spied on. Someone who has something to hide DOES!



Seems like she could have admitted it a little earlier.

Dear WW,

I would ask that you show some consideration for my feelings and move out this weekend. I have endured this treatment for quite some time and would appreciate a reprieve. Living like this is causing great pain and is severely effecting the remaining feelings I have for you. I do not want to grow to hate you.

Please show some consideration for my feelings.

Thanks,
HTW