It has been a long while since I have posted here. I wish to get a little advice on my current situation. I will give a brief update...WH moved out June 2004. Met OW July 2004 and started affair. WH moves home late Aug.2004. Goes overseas for work Sept 04. Home Dec 04.Still in contact and relationship with OW during this time. WH moves in and out of the house almost like clockwork till Mar 05. WH files for D and continues relationship with OW. May 05 WH diagnosed as Bipolar. We start talking, he cancels divorce, wants to move home and fix us. Trys to end things with OW..but has not been able to. WH moved home beginning of July 05 and has wanted to work on us, but in the process of moving out of his apt, he realizes how much he loves OW and the impact of what he is doing. He has been home now for almost a month and has been unable to end total contact with her. Still email and phone calls and has seen her once or twice. His medication is all messed up. He seems to be cycling again. Not sure. New to this as well.
My questions are this... How can I help him realize that though he might love her, that no contact would help the situation and he would be able to work on our marriage. He seems to want to do what is right and to work on us, but says the same things they all say in the fog...i love you but not romantically, i am IN love with her, dont know if I ever loved you this way....is it fog or bipolar? WH and I are both Christians and want to do what is right and guilt has played a lot into him coming home.
Any feedback would be helpful. Thanks.

Katie, it is the fog speaking here… Please read this post I’ve sent a while ago to give you more insight on this.

Blessings,
Suzet

It is not unusal for a WS t/b displaying bipolar symptoms. They run a close parallel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

As for your fixing it, you can't. What you can do is identify your personal boundaries and one of them s/b NC. If he breaks that, he goes out of the house. He needs t/b motivated to miss his family. U c/b enabling his A by being too accomodating.

Call Steve @ MB. Read love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson.

take care,
L.

Katie, your H will remain in the fog as long as he continues contact with the OW... If he stops all contact with her he will go in withdrawal, and during the withdrawal period he might still have a foggy thinking pattern for a while and/or from time to time (in my experience the fog and withdrawal often goes hand in hand), but then at least he can start personal recovery AND marital recovery with you. Personal and marital recovery isn't possible without NC. If you need more information on withdrawal later on, I will send you the link.

Katie, why wouldn't you move to Plan B? Your situation sounds ripe for Plan B. Staying in Plan A too long will actually work against you because it only cements the affair. As it is now, he has no motivation to end his affair. No man, in his right mind, would give up such a sweet deal with 2 women fawning over him. On the other hand, Plan B might yank him off the fence when he comes to realize that the OW can't possibly meet all his needs. He won't realize that until you stop meeting his needs.

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. When WH was home and even when he was moving in and out of the house, I did my best to Plan A. When he moved out and filed for D, I went into Plan B. We did not talk. We did a little email concerning kids and bills. But it was too painful to talk to him so I didnt. He didnt contact me either. After about a month of this was when I was getting on with my life and having some fun for a change. He found out, contacted me via email and we started talking a little. It was then that he wanted to come home again. I didnt want him moving home till he had cut all ties with her. But during that time, I lost my job and had no money. It was the end of the month for him before rent was due...so due to finances, I let him come home before total NC was made. When we were moving him out, it hit him like a ton of bricks that he was loosing her, he was depressed for days. But he didnt finish NC. Told me the little bit of contact he had with her was keeping him sane. He has suffered from depression for several years and is on meds. When he was diagnosed Bipolar, they started messing with the meds. That is a mess right now...but getting straightened out slowly.
I have heard all this before. I have read on this site for over a year and know that I messed up when I let him back in before NC was made. But with all the suitcase drills he has made already...I dont think we can do another one. I have also been trying to not give ultimatums....
Sooo, this is where I am at. Needing to vent and talk to people who understand the emotions and things going on. I cant seem to talk to any of my friends anymore. They all think i am nuts and should kick him to the curb, as does my family. But as crazy as it is...I do love him still. I am losing respect for him and my love has taken a toll, but I do still care and love him. And he will tell me he loves me as well, just not THAT way.
Anyway, just was looking for some feedback.

Cathy

Cathy, I wouldn't know any other advice to give you. Except pray for acceptance since you choose to live like this. Best of luck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Katie,

My husband was also diagnosed with BP during his affair.

You need to understand something very important.....

Because our husbands have BP, it makes the whole affair situation a little different.

The plans on this site will not work for you unless he has been on meds consistently for 3 months. And I mean he's taking them everyday.

YOur husband is in an affair fog, but on top of it his perception is extremely distorted as long as he is not taking meds. So Plan A will not work because even if he comes out of the fog, he will still see things very distorted regardless.

So my advice is.....

For recovery to happen you need to Plan B with the following minimum requirements:

- NC letter
- Commitment to meds and therapy (individual for him) for 3
months (MANDATORY)

After 3 months you can begin couples therapy...but until then it is a waste of time because his perceptions, feelings,and behavior will not make any sense and cause further damage to your marriage.

Trust me....I've been through it and it is really rough.
The cycling is the worst because you start to see the mania and depression as they develop....it sucks.

Nothing you do right now will get through to him until he gets on those meds.

Take care of yourself by Plan B - ing until he can meet those requirements
...and BTW don't take anything he's says to you personally - it is his disorder talking not your husband.

Best Wishes,

Rachel

Rachel:

That was excellent advice above. Just excellent. Sometimes people need to realize that they should not be calling in a optometrist to do the job of a heart surgeon (yes, another sourmash cheesy medical analogy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />).

The issue of BPD takes the "fog" COMPLETELY to a new level. Plan A'ing someone with abuse or mental ilness (that is not being adequately treated) has to border on self inflicted mutilation.

SM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lemon,


"The issue of BPD takes the "fog" COMPLETELY to a new level. Plan A'ing someone with abuse or mental ilness (that is not being adequately treated) has to border on self inflicted mutilation."

OMG! This is really (ironically) funny, I nearly spit my pop out at the computer screen when I read it. Excellent description!

At least I can laugh about it now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks,

Rachel