Oh, where to begin in this whole fiasco.

Hello there, love the site here, it has helped ME greatly in this time of complete disarray. I thought for a couple of weeks now I would be able to use what I've learned just by reading everything I could here. I think it's time I ask out for help now though, seeing as how my situation isn't going in a direction that I see as better, but worse.

My wife thinks that I'm crowding her too much & I need to "get some friends of your own". She thinks it's ok for her to go out to a bar w/ her g/friends without me & stay out till 6am w/o even calling sometimes. o.O

I think most of our problems started when she got a job cocktailing at some bar nearby. Staying out late, flirting for that tip, & just being in that whole atmosphere constantly in general. Cause now, she doesn't work there, well here's the story on that one.

She got a 2nd job working for some marketing company that goes to bars surveying smokers, they have one guy that drives about 4 or 5 girls around to do the surveying. Come to find out that her Boss of this job, had an eye for my wife from the day he hired her. He would go up to her other job when she was waitressing & got her to leave early, around 10 pm & she didn't show up til 6am. Said she fell asleep in her car after a bad night at work. : /

A week later I got suspicious & hired a private investigator to video her when she went to her job. They meet at a parking lot & all the girls get in the van w/ the one guy & leave, this one guy is the guy that wants my wife. Ok, so they go & do whatever, my guy waits at her car for thier return. Well, they return & one by one, all the other girls leave till it's my wife & this guy... They conversate for a while, what they are saying, I do not know, I can only see then on the video, it's too far away to hear anything, but before she leaves, she walks over to him kisses him twice & he smacks her [censored] as she walks away.

I was broken, still, as I type this, I am shaking. Now I know I've neglected her alot. We have had two kids since we've been married. One a boy is almost three, the other a girl, almost 2. We've almost been married 5.

Now it seems to be too late for her, even though I can see the emotional needs she's BEEN needing from me & I am 100% capable of doing them for us cause I love her with all my heart & will do anything for her/us to make it work but she ultimately says I'm no fun. Particularly in the bar setting.

I've even had dance lessons set up to help get us doing things together, we still haven't done that yet but it seems like things will be good for a while but then she wants her own time & when I want her to stay with me she gets hella pissed. But I know what I've seen on tape so how do I let her go ? She quit her jobs right after I showed her the tape of her & the guy, I guess I forced that but screw having her out all night she needs a day job.

I think the kids are wearing her out all day & that's a main reason she's aggitated by the time I get home, getting a day job puts the kids in someone else's care though & not only is that costly, I know we'd be choosy on who watched our babies.

So what can I do. She say's I'm no fun, I need my own friends. She's aquired all these new friends from being in the bar working, now all of a sudden it's screw me & I got to find another best friend, cause that's what she is to me.

She just has no clue what this is doing to me or doesn't really care I haven't figured which yet.

She says she hasn't seen or talked to the other guy since the night of the tape. She's very convincing about it too. Maybe too much.

Help?

You're hearing all the same things I heard when my WW was first starting her A. Start a good plan A and pray and keep yourself healthy and whatever you do DON'T LB!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello DidntSeeitComin,

Welcome to MB.I'm glad you are finding some use to our site.

Let me start off first by saying that the problem as I see it isn't the new job or the marriage or the family,it is your wife(W).You can take any other person and put them into the same situation but the outcome could be drastically different.Your W appears to not be acting like a W nor a mother to these kids as she should be.Acting like a single girl without responsibilities is screaming that she has her priorities mixed up and is also avoiding the issues at home.I cannot fathom taking off at night and going to the bar scene(puke) when I have children at home.She also states you are no fun? Well,maybe if she disucssed how she and you could make your marriage more exciting then you could make it whatever you both want but she is taking the wrong path here despite your shortcomings,whatever they may be.Make no mistake about that.

And telling you to get some of your own friends is just down right rude.It reminds me of what Dr.Dobson said in his book(Tough Love) that at some point,your spouse doesn't respect you anymore either before or when they are involved with another man/woman.As an example,my WH once told me out loud that I should "Get a life". And he also said " Stop living off me".Well I had to address those statements because for one thing, I DID have a life,that of wife and mother to our 2 children.My WH disgustingly thought of his homewrecker OW as somehow being more responsible and fulfilling even though she was much younger and lived with her parents at the time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.It's all part of the way in which wayward spouses talk to you when in the midst of an A and being self centered and regressing.Not in any way how you should talk to your spouse.

Ok,So what to do? Well,I will assume you have read our concepts here on Plan A and B as navyredman mentioned.You could try to convince your W to seek counseling which to me,is a must at this point.Check out our MB bookstore and get reading.It is possible you have brought this problem to light before it got much worse(i.d sexual betrayal) but you do need to keep playing detective right now.Her attitude toward you is a big red flag that something is very wrong *in your marriage and she sounds like she is bailing.But it's also time to tell her that you realize there are problems and how can you BOTH address them together? She not only needs to know you are aware there are problems but that you are serious about handling them right NOW before you both head toward a divorce.

And most importantly are the children.They are the inncocents here and need two loving and devoted parents at their side,not running off with strange men to bars and carousing and other inappropriate behavior.They need to be protected and you both need to see how serious all this is for their sakes as well as your own.

So to recap:

1) Keep snooping.This is far from over.

2) Discuss counseling(a must in my book at this stage).You cannot afford to try and wing it from here on out.Things are spiraling downward and we know.It's been heard before.

3) Read and educate yourself on our concepts and other recommended reading.Plan A is about negotiating for the end of an A and we aren't 100% certain that is actually happening right? Definitely inappropriate behavior on her part but this guy(boss) might do that periodically to the other women too. Read up on the other books about HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs),etc.Romantic Love and other marital help books.

4) ALWAYS protect those kids and make sure they are taken care of.If your W is out carousing,make sure they feel safe and secure without her.They are like sponges picking up all cues.They shouldn't have to feel insecure or sad because of your W's behavior.

Hope this helps to start.

O

I am so sorry to see this happen to yet another. Please get a copy of SAA and start reading it immediately. Listen to navyredman and plan A like a madman--I know that's going to be tough, but there are a lot of vets here that can guide you.

I am a FWW(Dday 04-26-05) and my H and I were just talking about pretty much this same type thing last PM...I was talking about my first posts here and how they make me sick now...I kept saying in them that my H was acting "needy and unattractive"...that is the same as your WW saying that you aren't "fun" anymore...IGNORE IT, IT IS TOTALLY FOG TALK! Expect your WW to say all kinds of stuff that is complete hogwash right now...nothing that comes out of her mouth can be trusted...just plan A, pray and take care of you!!! Don't believe that your wife is no longer with the OM...you need to keep collecting intelligence...do not take her word for it...the sooner you can bust up the A, the sooner you can get your wife out of the WS FOG.

Keep posting here and listen to the advice given by the experts, they really know what they talking about! God Bless You!

My WW says similar things to me. Her job also "required" her to start spending many nights at a bar.

I'm new to this and no expert, but I can tell you from experience this is a big red flag. I did not come out of the fog for a long time and kept believing the excuses. Now, my WW is in a full blown EA/PA and been living with the OM for months.

My main advice is to ACT NOW. Follow the advice of the experts here. Don't just trust anything your W says. Trust and Verify. (you can't imagine the level of deception people are capable of)

Thanks for the support, it really is somewhat comforting to know that I'm not alone in this situation.

Could someone elaborate more on what a good Plan-A would be, or maybe a link to a good thread on exactly what Plan-A is, cause it seems like this is what I should be doing according to some of you & I have no idea what it is.

She's been telling me that she doesn't have "feelings" for me anymore, like I'm just not attractive to her anymore, even though the only thing that's changed about me since we married is that fact that we've had 2 kids & in the midst I have been neglecting her emotional needs. Now even though I'm trying very hard to meet those needs now, cause I see that I have been neglecting them & it has pushed her away from me. My question now is what can I do other than what I am doing to help restore that "feeling" for her.

I feel like maybe I'm trying to hard, cause I've been doing it all.. Baths with rose petals, massages, candy, flowers, & all the sorts. Seems good for a while but it always seems like there's something deeper inside her, aggitating her, she always seems short, mad, & tired. I've suggested we go to anger-management together, since we both have a bad/quick tempers, I think we need it.

Plan-A ? Yes ?

DidntseeitComin,

Here is a dircet link to Plan A and Plan B.

For exposure of the A, you will find this thread: Affair Exposure 101 helpfull. (Exposure is part of plan A).

Underneath are some others thread you will find helpfull too (just click on the links):

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

Bob's Newly Betrayed Spouse MB Toolkit