I have been reading for a few weeks now. First let me tell you that it has been comforting (in a weird way) knowing that I am not unique in my stupid, confused feelings with my marriage right now. Long story short; I have been married 16 years, have two kids and my husband is a kind, caring man, he adores the kids and me and I feel like sh-t for even having the thoughts I have been having. There is this guy in the nearby area that I run into every now and again, who by the way is also married. We are attracted to each other, this I know cause he has come right out and said it. I feel attraction to him too, although he is less than my husband in the looks department, which is why I am so confused. I mean, why would I endanger what I have, a beautiful home, good-looking husband, great father to the kids for a mediocre guy who lives in a building with his wife and child? There is a lot more to this but I don't even know how to put stuff into words cause my brain is mush. I have not have done anything with this guy, well that's not entirely true, let's just say we have not been together alone for more then 2 minutes, and all we have done is talked and kissed, very, very briefly....oh I don't know....

Tell your husband about the kissing ... you will need to be brave.

but you already knew that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

In two really simple words NO WAY!!!! I am sure I can control this and if I told him, all ****** would break loose...he is latin and super hot tempered....no way, no way!! I just have to get my head straight!!

This is so wrong. Don't you understand that if this guy can cheat on his wife don't you think he would cheat on you? Why do this to a man you are married to who is a good man or to your children. Haven't you read just how devastating this is to yourself and family??? My god woman wake up. Talk to your husband about this. Where is your pride in yourself.? Stay away from this other guy. Far away. You are asking for so much trouble.

I am NOT planning on leaving my husband for this guy. I am NOT sleeping with this guy and I am just confused ok? You know, you are right about pride in myself....I tell myself that all the time. I am soooo much better than this guy deserves....oh..whatever..I guess it was just flirting and the excitement of it...I am NOT telling my husband...its done and over with. I just don't understand why I would even consider something like this

Mariposita,

Your post started out very innocent with you being attracted to this guy and ended very disturbingly with you two actually kissing!!!

YOU MUST STOP ALL CONTACT! And tell your H about it. Like you said, there seems to be much more to this rather than just running into this guy every once and a while.

Alot can happen in 2 minutes!!!

k

ummmm

because your husband is such a great guy and you TRUST him

or is this not true?

He is NOT a great guy and you don't trust him?

Which is it?

This is a man you can trust with the truth.

Ditto on all above!

Let a few people who have been betrayed tell you how if feels. I am a BS but your post about this sort of makes me upset so I won't even say what I would like to. Let some BS's here tell you how hard it is to regain their marriage, their self-esteem, their comfort zone (if there is such a thing after an affair). All you have to do is scroll down and read the posts of what they go thru. That is what YOU would be causing if you take part in this.

You give in to these desires you will hurt your family and his! You have been married for 16 years....work on what is wrong with YOUR marriage, let your H know you need more...maybe he needs more too. Find happiness with the man who has been by your side for 16 years, who has provided for you and your children.

So he's a kind caring man with a possibly violent hot temper?

make up your mind.

I have to be honest, if it wasn't for reading all these posts and the devastation an affair causes, I may have gone that route, but I can honestly say I know for a fact I am not going to pursue this. It was just me being super stupid at a time that I felt very angry at my husband, for other reasons. I look at him and feel so bad that I would even consider anything that could wreck all of our lives. I am still confused however as to why I would even consider this. I am probably repeating myself, sorry.

You know, deep down I know this is a self-esteem issue. Other people find me attractive, especially my husband but for a stupid reason, this guy finding me attractive was important to me.

He would never be violent toward me. He has never laid a hand on me but he would kill this guy.

“””In two really simple words NO WAY!!!!”””

That’s your call. But as you read through this site, under the basic concepts, you are going to find a key ingredient for a successful marriage is Radical Honesty. From this day forward, your marriage is not built on that. There is obviously a breakdown somewhere here, you can either move forward with honesty and get your husbands help in building the marriage you desire or you can try to build it yourself.

“””I am sure I can control this…….. I just have to get my head straight!!”””

OK, to be very blunt if you could control it yourself, nothing would have happened and you wouldn’t be here. Remember your best thinking is what lead you here. Yes you do need to get your head straight and get insurance that this won’t happen again. That insurance stems from a team effort between you and your husband.

“””I am NOT planning on leaving my husband for this guy.”””

You weren’t planning on kissing him either, were you?

“””I am NOT telling my husband...its done and over with. I just don't understand why I would even consider something like this.”””

If you read on this site, you will find that most infidelity stems from a partner not having their emotional needs met. That partner begins to have those needs met by another and before you know it they’re making out with the pool boy. So how do you get a point where that won’t happen? Well it begins with you being honest with your husband and then you two working together to create a marriage where both of your needs are met. But by lying to him by omission, you are not giving your husband that choice. This is a disrespectful and selfish act on your part.

Bottom line here is that your marriage as you know it is over. So today it’s starting a new, how shall it be built? Shall it be built in the sands of lies and deceit or will you choose to build it on the rock hard foundation of honesty? The choice is yours.

You know, I deserve all kinds of insults from betrayed wives. I see his wife and she seems kind and I feel all this horrible guilt that I would mess up her life. I am sorry. I also look at my husband and think, this guy has been with me for over sixteen years (married 16, know each other 20!!). We are both young still, I am 36 and he is 38. We have been together a lifetime. He is the father of my children, he has been there when the kids where born, has seen me fat, skinny, ugly, beautiful...whatever...I feel like ******!

Mariposita,

First of all, let's look at one of your comments...

"I feel attraction to him too, although he is less than my husband in the looks department, which is why I am so confused."

Attraction isn't always about looks, but sometimes about the attention you get. Especially that kind of attention that seems to make you feel flattered or even special. Analyze that part and see what it is that makes you feel the way you do. Something drew you in that made you want to kiss him.

Could it be that your husband no longer does some of those things? That's what you'll need to figure out. It's easy to say, but VERY important to look at before it goes too far. Once you can identify that part you can approach your husband and tell him what it is you would like see change in your marriage to spice things up.

Mariposita, give yourself a break. This could be an opportunity for a lot of learning. You have come close to really damaging your family, but you didn't take the next step. Pride yourself in that. You fell victim to temptation, just as anyone can, regardless of the strength of their marriage.

An affair is a series of escalating steps, don't take the next one. The whole thing is an illusion. Yes I know, it seems as though this other guy is the answer to your pain right now, but he isn't. You have built the fantasy up in your mind to be wonderful. The reality is that it wouldn't be wonderful at all.........it would be horrible.

Nip it in the bud, now. Before it is too late.

Give yourself a break.

Now you know how easy it is to fall into this trap.

Thanks for listening.

I would need hours and hours to explain everything in my life. My husband is very affectionate with me. If it was up to him we would make love every night (not me - I am fine with once a week or twice a week). I have never cheated on him in our sixteen years, some will say I have now, but I don't see it that way completely. And I can say I know he has NEVER cheated on me.

I know I feel resentment toward him for a long time, off and on, for different things in our lives. Mostly economic and the fact that I am a risk taker and he annoys me that he is so afraid of change. Also, when I became pregnant with my second child (not planned), he freaked!! How are we going to do it? What if I lose my job? Etc. etc. I hated him during my entire pregnancy and now he seems to have forgotten all of that and our second child is the apple of his eye.

I know there is no excuse for what I ALMOST did....but, I am not an entirely bad person, although I feel like scum and not just for him but for the other guy's wife.

Killerjoe,

Thank you so much! You have made me feel so much better. When I started reading the replies I swear I almost started crying and can't do that!! I am at work!!

Mari,

I have been where you are many times during my 19 years of marriage. (with the exception of the kissing part) You start to feel stale in your marriage, same thing different day, you want to feel something spectacular for once?

I would imagine our spouse's have felt the very same things.

One thing I have learned from my H's A is that I can never take anything for granted. Not his love, his devotion, his loyalty. I have to earn that even tho I have never had an A. I have to show him every day that I love him, that I care about him, I need to listen to HIM, show interest in him and his day, I need to do things with him even tho it may not be my cup of tea, I need to make him feel attractive and exciting. In return he needs to show me the same.

When we let things go and assume our S is happy, when we do not confront our problems and our needs then we are pretty much saying we don't give a crap.

Even tho your husband provides for you and your children, he shows you he loves you, he loves his kids (and the past stuff with the 2nd child is the past-he has made up for that for how he is loving this child now). Maybe there is something different YOU need from him now. Find out what that is and tell him! In return there may be something new he needs from you. We grow and change in a marriage. What was good in the begining may not be what we need now.

Grab this thing by the horns now. Figure it out and be honest with your H.

Good luck to you!

I know I feel resentment toward him for a long time, off and on, for different things in our lives.

[color:"blue"]LOL

I can see ~why~ you are so resentful.... He adores you. He wants to make love to you all the time. He has been faithful to you. He has been honest with you when he expressed feelings of financial anxiety in regards to an enlarging family.
He has children he sees as "apple of his eye" .

No wonder you are lying to him and daydreaming about another man.

Your husband has mistreated you so badly. You have every right to feel resentful of this jack*** . I think he deserves to be lied to by his wife.


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