We wrote:
Babbling: The WS will babble pretty much as long as they are involved with the OP in the A. They will completely revise history. They’ll say they’ve been miserable for YEARS, or you’ve neglected and hurt them for YEARS. They may even say, “We were NEVER in love” or “I have never loved you like a wife or husband should.” Actually, Orchid is our WS Babbling expert,Reverse Babble, but just remember that this is also pretty normal. A lot of what comes out of the WS’s mouth is meant to shift blame or focus off of them and onto you, so don’t take it to heart. Even if there is a modicum of truth to what they’re saying (and there most likely will be), know that you two WERE once in love, and DID have some happy times and loving years. See if you can learn to recognize WS Babble and practice reverse babble if you can get the hang of it.
And you wrote:
woah, this JUST happened to me--I did not realize he was rewriting history and babbling. I accidently left out a list where I was working on my boundaries, there was a note saying "NC letter from both of us" I had just accidently lb just before (disrespect--I let the kids do something he asked me not to do--I did apologize) and he saw my list. and I told him I was unprepared to discuss it I would not discuss it right now. (I didn't) and he got mad and guessed it meant what we all know it means.
Do you mean that he guessed you were trying to "end the affair" and save your marriage!
The nerve! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
So he went off on how I should drop it, and I said "I can't" and he then said "I had to put up with your crap for 7 years (It was 6 last week)" and it really wasn't even 6.
Hang on...we'll get our pot of coffee before we respond. (heehee)
This is classic WS babble. Remember, whattagirl, the WS's goal is to take the focus off of their behavior (that they have abandoned their marriage, broken their vows, harmed their spouse, harmed their children if any, and behaved in a selfish way) and shift focus to the "awful" thing that you have done: enforced personal boundaries.
If you have exposed their affair, a very typical WS babble is "how could you have done this to me?" Well...they made the choices and they did the actions...all the BS did was not keep it a secret. After all, if it's so okay, shouldn't they be proud of it and let the whole world know?? Yep--you didn't do it to them...they did it to themselves and you just didn't hide it from everyone.
Your WS did another very typical Babble: "I was never happy. I put up with your neglect (or abuse or controlling or whatever) for [insert amount of time here]." Furthermore, the amount of time inserted there literally gets longer every single day. It sounds like this: "I was miserable for weeks." The next day, "I was miserable for months!" The next day, "I was MISERABLE for literally YEARS!" and finally, "I was never happy...EVER!" What this babble really means in translation is that if they had any time of anything less than pure bliss, they are justified in doing what they've done and acting badly. They are justified in pursuing their A and OP because it IS "pure bliss." The longer they can make their misery, the more justified they are. In the end, if they can convince themselves that they never really loved you or felt love, it's easier on them.
I have to re-read the babble thread, I did read it but I didn't see it pertained to me. I didn't quite know how to respond so I just said kindly I didn't have to listen to him. and he told me is so many words to kiss his a$$
Here's an easy way to respond to WS babble--Orchid calls it Reverse Babble--and that is to fight babble with babble. The "formula" is like this: when they babble to you, you agree and turn it around on them. Here are some examples:
WS: "How could you do this to me?"
BS: "I agree. How could you do this to our family?"
WS: "I have put up with your neglect for YEARS!"
BS: "I agree--you have. That's why I'm not putting up with your neglect now."
WS: "I never loved you."
BS: "I agree. The love we had before was broken, and I won't be treated that way anymore."
WS: "I don't love you like a H/W should."
BS: "I agree, you don't love me like a H/W should. A H/W would be faithful."
WS: "You can't tell me what to do."
BS: "I agree. You have to want to treat your family lovingly on your own, and be honest on your own."
It makes me sad because I guess I was in denial. If I drop the matter, I might as well just say I deserve to be cheated on.
It's a little confusing to see what you mean about being "in denial." It seems as if you're facing reality. What are you denying?
Whattagirl, it sounds like you are trying to establish some healthy boundaries FOR YOURSELF about what you will and will not accept...and it sounds like your WH does not like the fact that you are setting boundaries ONE LITTLE BIT. If you feel like "If I set boundaries, he gets all pissed off, but if I don't set boundaries I get trampled" then you're right. He does not want you to establish healthy boundaries because that means you will not continue to allow him to use you and carry on this affair. OTOH, if you DON'T establish boundaries, then you really are allowing him to hurt you.
Just stand firm, whattagirl. It may feel icky, and you may feel afraid, but you're doing a good job.
Incidentally, no matter what you did (like if you actually were neglectful in the past)
you NEVER deserve to be cheated on!!! That's bogus. Nothing you ever, Ever, EVER did (or are doing now...or will do) is justification for unfaithfulness.
FNCJ and DD
