Oh by the way about snooping and my W’s disappointment in it. She has said she doesn’t like it, but understands it. I asked her if I could see her if I could see her work phone records and she replied that if I need them she would get them, it wouldn’t make her happy but would do it for me!

Why would it make her unhappy if it would clear her?

And yes, exposure does cause immediate problems. We have never had a recently exposed WS give their BS roses and kisses for exposing them, that is unrealistic. But what it does do is hastens the death of the affair by ruining the fantasy aspect. A fantasy cannot survive in the light of day for long.

FLR, why are you saying this? To whom did you expose to already? Remember, the purpose of exposure must be to help bust up the A and end contact. And your W and OM are still in private contact with each other and not just "bussiness related" contact - so in reality the A is still ongoing. It's not exposure which creates problems, it's the betrayal of the WS which did this. Please don't let your W blame you and hold you responsible for her wrong choices.

HLR, I didn't know you sent the OM's W a letter... Was the purpose of it to expose the A? I hope so... What did you say in the letter?

Never been contacted

Some of you have links to articles including your story. I would like to compile some of what I have written into an overview \ my story and create a link in my signature for anyone who would need some background.

Could someone tell me how to do that?

Guess I got it!

For those of you interested in my story her it is!

HLR, probably the OM's W never received the letter... Probably the OM intercepted the letter, read it and throw it away before his W could see it. There are many possibilities. The best way to assure she gets the letter is to send it with registered mail and let her sign for the letter. This way you can assure that the letter gets in the right hands – those of the OM’s W.

Suzet's right HLR, you gotta follow through with this one for sure!!!

Mrs. Wondering

HLR, in addition to sending a registered letter, I would suggest picking up the phone and calling her. She needs to know the truth.

Can’t call because I don’t know the phone number, it’s unlisted and they live several thousand miles away. I’m not even sure if the address I found on the internet is correct? The only thing I know is his name, state he lives in, and closest major city.

Who did you send this email to? There are numerous ways to get unlisted phone #s, we do it all the time here. Have you checked zabasearch? http://www.zabasearch.com/

Also, it probably wouldn't cost you much to have a P.I. dig this up.

Thanks,

I’ll continue my research and verification.

In an attempt to get my wife to meet some of my emotional needs and read Dr. Harleys material, I decided to write her a letter and would like feedback and suggestion on where it could be improved. I don’t want it to be an LB.

---------------------------

Dearest WS,

I’m writing this letter because of my love for you and my commitment to out marriage. The almost 26 years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together.

We both are committed to our marriage. But there seems to be something missing I struggle with what has happened and have been working on the best way I believe we can improve our marriage.

Even though we know each other quite well, we can’t meet the other person’s needs if we don’t know what they are, so I thought I would tell you a few of mine.

Let me start with those emotional needs that you have exceeded my expectations:
*Conversation
*We sometimes sit or walk and talk more than we ever have and I love talking to you and hearing about your day.
*Affection
*Cuddling, holding you in bed and you falling asleep in my arms is something I wish we did our whole marriage.
*Sexual Fulfillment
*Our anniversary trip trough the first 3 or 4 weeks after I discovered your affair have been some of our best love making sessions.
*Honesty & Openness
*You have shown me a willingness to tell me more and open up to me, even if you think they might hurt.
*Recreational Companionship
*Our attempt at golfing has been fun! Dinners, shopping and going biking have added additional enjoyment to our jammed packed life.
*Family Commitment
We both have always put our children and families ahead of our own needs.

Which ones emotional needs, need improving:
*Conversation
*A call during the day would be nice.
*Affection
*A quick kiss\peck when you in a hurry and I feel unimportant.
*Sexual Fulfillment
*Making love infrequently, like over the last month is something I want to improve on. Maybe make a special date or something.
*Honesty & Openness
*I still think there are things you are keeping from me and wish you would feel free to discuss them.
*Recreational Companionship
*It would be nice to getaway for a day, just you and I.

I would like you to let me know how I’m doing on your emotional needs. Here is a link to a document describing Emotional needs and love busters, to help with them. I included our selection at the end of this document.

I want to be totally honest and don’t want to hurt you, but I believe if I was the one caught having the affair, I would be doing everything I could to win you back! I would have hoped you would have wanted to do the same but you seem some what reluctant to read some of the material I have sent, that I feel could improve our marriage.
I believe that we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have experienced. I love you with all of my heart.

Your loving husband,

Thanks in advance for any feedback, suggestion and where it could be improved.

Suzet*

Would the above letter collide with the 180 degree Plan A, we discussed?

ok, I think that is a wonderful letter, but I don't think it suits the current situation. First off, she is emotionally detached from you right now. Sending that letter will push her away more. Secondly, you are educating her, which is a lovebuster with a person who has shown no interest in working on her marriage.

I would wait until the affair ends and she is in withdrawal to start working on recovery issues. Until then, it only serves to push her away more.

I would agree with Melody. I wrote my WW a letter prior to d-day and got practically no response except "thanks for the letter". She doesn't want that from you right now. She may be able to accept the small EN from you, but the big ones will push her away. Sending

I would also recommend holding off on sending the letter until you are in recovery. Just keep doing the small things that she can accept and when she is ready you can send her the letter. WW are unable to have EN met by BH with they are being met by OP, so until OP is out of the picture completely, try wispering and not shouting.

HLR,

I agree 100% with Melody...Fog prevents progress...

An idea for you, however, is to just leave your reading materials laying around the house in various places...that's what my h did with me, he kept his mouth shut and just let me "catch" him reading from time to time...never said a word though, finally when I began going through withdrawals and feeling sooo...low, I started reading SAA of my own volition and then moved on to 31 Reasons to End an Affair...I would have tried anything to get relief from what I was feeling, but before that point, make no mistake about it, I would have rebelled vehemently against anything remotely regarding my A...WSes exist on a completely different plane than do the sane people of the world...you can't rationalize with the irrational...

Mrs. Wondering

HLR, I also agree 100% with Melody… The letter is indeed wonderful, but definitely don’t suit the current situation. I also think HopeThisWorks and Mrs. Wondering gave you very good suggestions and advice.

Suzet

Regarding your exposure letter, I think it was too general and anonymous to be effective. If she read it, asked her husband, and his response was "This is not true!", then why should she believe the letter? Like you she will very much want to believe her husband. And the letter describing an anonymous A does not appear very convincing.
The BS has a strong will/need to believe the best of their husband/wife. Would you have believed a note like this if you had received it before D-day? Would you have believed it more than your wife's denials?


I think you must ad the information that the woman is your wife. And you should give the name and position in the company of your wife. Also give the time and place for their dates, and list time and date for important telephone calls, e-mails, business meetings and so on.If you have access to some of his e-mails then enclose copies. Also sign with your full name and give your telephone numbers and your address. It is important that you appear to be a real and sincere person, and not like a maker of roumors and gosship.
I think a phone call would be better than a letter. But the same applies there, you must give her details to sound convincing. If you make the A anonymous then your message will loose credibility.

And don't tell your W of the letter. The OM will then be ready to intercept it before the OMW gets it. Or he will be able to prepare her: "This lady has told me that her H is nuts and sends this kind of letters to lots of people".
And besides, her anger will be a proof of continued contact.

--------

In addition to the OMW, exposure may also need to include selected people in the extended family, friends, your pastor, colleagues or others whose opinion of her is important to your wife. I don't say you should do this exposure today. But you should start to build the courage to do so.
I think your romantism and your deep love is a strength, but it is also your greatest weakness. As it is, she may be absolutely certain that she will get away with whatever she chooses to do to you and the M. You will in the end eat every "meal" she dishes out, and still love her and still respect her. That is why exposure to other people may become necessary. When she knows that others know what she has done, then she will start to see herself through their eyes. And she won’t like the person she then will see. As long as only you know she is perfectly safe. Regardless of what she does she knows that in your eyes she will still be lovable. So why worry, why change?

Last night my WS got on the subject of meeting each others emotional needs. So I told her how “I love when we sometimes sit or walk and talk more than we ever have and I love talking to you and hearing about your day. So we started talking quite a bit about her job etc. Than she asked what are you looking for?

I told her I believe I’m doing all of the work to restore our marriage and you seem to just let things happen and hope this all will go away. I realize the material is not made specifically for us, but I feel it can help. WS said how, by telling me how bad I have been. I can’t deal with it, that’s why I’m in a shell right now, I withdrawal and just keep everything to myself.

I told her I was sorry and didn’t want that, I want her to be open and feel free to tell me anything, especially the things you think are going to hurt me, by showing me that you care enough to tell me the hard things shows me how much you really care.

We talked a little about the A and the OM, We left things at that and hugged and kissed.

I asked about her plans for tomorrow, because I saw her work calendar and it stated she was going to be out of the office!”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

This Morning, I asked WS about her plans, she told me she was going to the office and might have a meeting, downtown. She left for work and called me, really having nothing to say, but said I’m almost at work, I’ll see you later.

So I drove past to see if her car was there and it was not. So I called her and left her a voice mail message to call me.

When she called, “I asked, Where are You?” She said I’m at Starbucks, WHY? I replied “I Just wanted to know what you where doing on your day off? She said “What are you talking about?” I replied “I saw your calendar when you where working on the computer over the weekend and it stated you are out of the office!”

WS started screaming “I CAN”T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!” You checking up on everything I’m doing! This isn’t going to work, we need to split…”
I told her fine, I thought I had a right to know, what was going on. You know you could give me a little leeway and understanding.”

She replied “you do this to me all of the time, every time I have my F***ing period you do this and I’m not going to live like this! I’m such a bad person everything is my fault and you would be better off without me. I’m just going to leave right now and hung up the phone!”

I called back and said If your going to treat me that way I’ll back your bags right now. She SCREAMED “You F***ing BAS***D, GO TO F**ING H*LL…GO ahead and put my thing outside, F**K YOU!” and hung up.

I called back and said guess its come to this…She said why do you do this to me when I have such a hectic day, WHY?

I told her I was sorry and I think we should be able to talk about things that are bothering us or me, I presented it wrong and don’t want you to have a bad day!

WS stated, “you just don’t know me, how passionate I’ am, you don’t care, you just hurt me.

I said “I think I know you and have demonstrated how much I care, I have been trying to help you, be understanding and not criticize you.

She said “ya you think your so great and just full of your self, your not their for ME! YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME, YOU JUST KEEP CRITAZING ME!”

I told her “guess everything is about you and how you’re feeling, what about me, this is killing me inside.”

WS replied “you have no idea what a passionate person I am and you just don’t care. Now I have to go to work and pretend everything is ok, Do you know how much pressure I’m under, everyone is going to be asking questions all day and I have to have the answers…I just can’t handle all of the pressure…You just don’t know what this is doing to me. You want to now why I’m withdrawing and not opening up to you, this is why! And you know what I never well I got to go and cool down and I need to spend time by myself, so I can go to work.”

I told her “you do that maybe I should just give you a little time to yourself?”

She said “If you want to talk about a separation, let’s make an appointment and not do it right now!”

I replied, “that’s not what I meant, you usually need time to yourself, you and I handle things differently, we can talk latter. I’m sorry that I got you so riled up, try and have a nice day, or at least the best you can have.”

She replied “oh sure, I can do that now, because now I can be worried about you and how you’re spending your time looking this all up on the internet. Do you now how much I care about you and now I have to worry about that to.”

I ended the conversation by saying “don’t worry about me, I’ll talk to you latter, try and have a nice day.”

PUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!