You think you’re going to die—or you want to. It will feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest while you’re still alive. You’re whole life will cave in. It may feel like you’ve lost everything you’ve ever worked for or dreamt of. Everything you THOUGHT you believed in will be destroyed. You may cry for days, 25 hours a day. You won’t be able to eat or sleep or even think AT ALL. Don’t think less of yourself if you give a thought to dying, because I think most people do; just be brave enough to reach out to someone—even here on MB.

We have four words of practical advice: 1) Do not give in to the temptation to buy a case of Jack Daniels and a box set of Merle Haggard. Yeah, it can be tempting to “numb out” and plunge into depression, but not advisable. 2) Buy lotion Kleenex, because if you buy regular Kleenex and cry this much, you will rub your eyes and nose raw; lotion Kleenex will not hurt so much. 3) Buy some soup, because you can’t swallow with that big lump in your throat; however, soup is liquid and warm and sort of nourishing, and at least it will be something in your stomach that you can choke down. 4) Come on here to MB as much as you can or go be with your mom or your sister or brother…people who care about you and will take care of you for a little while. We think almost everyone here on MB has been in your shoes and thought about wanting to die, so we understand what it’s like and will help you get through it with some dignity.

During this phase, the Wandering Spouse (WS) is usually still heavily into their affair fantasy. It’s still sort of a secret, and it’s based on addiction to the Other Person (OP). You, the Betrayed Spouse (BS) are still meeting some of their needs, but they are turning to the OP to meet other ones.

Emotional Needs (EN’s) and LoveBusters (LB’s). Okay, just a little bit you start to pull it together and you start to learn. You read here on the MB site…or read His Needs/Her Needs (HNHN) or LoveBusters (LB)…or even some of the other sites like Dr. Phil or DivorceBusters. You begin to get it--you realize you’ve been a jerk and haven’t appreciated what you had. You learn about Giver and Taker, and you discover the Love Bank. You grasp the concept of EN’s and LB’s. You figure out what your own EN’s are and take a good guess what your WS’s might be. You know what your own LB’s are, and you recognize that you hurt your WS by LB-ing over and over again. You feel bad about yourself because you behaved like that. There is a major change within you, because you GET IT!!

[color:"red"]This may be the first time in your life that you’ve understood these kinds of concepts and how you contributed to what happened in your marriage (M). At this point you may get your WS to talk about EN’s and LB’s, but the WS is most likely to say something like “I want honesty, but not from you anymore. The OP is honest with me in a way you never were.” The OP may be telling your WS *some* truth—at least, WS perceives it to be truth—but we seriously doubt OP is telling THE WHOLE TRUTH. You CAN NOT exist in a lie and be totally honest. Continue to focus on your own honesty regardless of the WS’s opinion, especially if you weren’t transparently honest in the past, simply because it’s a part of self improvement.[/color]

Your WS will probably not see any change in you and wouldn’t believe the changes are real even if they do see them—they WILL say it’s just a temporary change to “get them back” and that you’ll go back to the same old, same old once they come back. You wonder, “Why can’t they see it? Why don’t they believe it’s real?”

During this phase, the affair (A) has been going along a little longer, but the WS is growing more hostile and vicious in order to justify their behavior. Maybe they move out or at least threaten divorce.

Plan A. Now that you have read and learned and seen your part in how your marriage (M) got to this point, you decide to put your learning into action. You make the effort to work on yourself and end all LB’s. You want to meet your spouse’s EN’s and you do your best, but they don’t want you to anymore. You’ll feel like you’re a doormat giving into their every capricious whim, and they’ll still keep acting vicious. It feels like a lose-lose situation because you’re killing yourself for them, and they’re killing you too! Very often a BS will incorrectly think that Plan A means Plan Doormat and you might let your WS just walk all over you. This part is very, very hard because it feels a lot like you are giving, Giving, GIVING and they are taking, Taking, TAKING without even giving you hope in return.

[color:"red"]It is essential that the Betrayed Spouse do the very best possible Plan A before moving to Plan B. If the BS has not done a very strong Plan A, the OP will still seem better than BS even with the pressures of every day life. This will be even more likely if the OP is not married.[/color]

During this phase, WS’s will often “fence-sit.” They don’t really want to lose their house or their kids, and life with you may not have been perfect but they don’t want to lose what EN’s you did meet. By the same token, they are absolutely ADDICTED to the OP, and the OP makes them feel so good. They can’t seem to break away. Often, you’ll hear things like, “I need some space” or “I need time to myself to think.” It seems like they are perpetually confused and can’t make up their mind. The WS is cake-eating: getting EN’s met by you and by the OP. They want BOTH.

Exposure. In the best interest of your M, you expose the A to the WS’s parents, your parents, your pastor, and the people at your WS’s work—people who are in the best position to have a positive affect on your WS. Now the A is no longer a delicious “secret” and it is brought to the light of day (and truth). The WS WILL rage for about a week or two. RAGE!!!!!!! They’ll blame you for “doing this to them.” They’ll claim that now they can’t trust you. They’ll be furious that you invaded their privacy. They may even say, “If you expose this anymore I will divorce you” or “You will drive me into the arms of OP.” Everything will be aimed to make you look like the “bad guy.” They want to justify their choices and everything will be a reflection of how bad “you” are. They want to take the focus off of them. At this point, you are the last best hope for your M, so stand firm and don’t let their whirlwind of blame sway you from your course. Just remember that the WS made the choices and decisions to have the A, and all you did was burst the bubble of secrecy and let people know what is happening…they “did it to themselves” by deciding to have the A.

During this phase, the WS will be infuriated, will rage against the machine, will justify, rationalize and defend the indefensible. This is when the addiction of the A is most evident, because now their mom and dad, their work, and everyone knows—but they still can’t end it. Like a drug-addict, they will do anything and hurt anyone (even those they love) to get another fix of their drug…the OP. Keep that image of a drug-addict in mind, and envision the exposure as an intervention. No addict LIKES an intervention, and they fight against it tooth and nail, but in the end, it is in their best interests.

…at this point things can go one of two ways:

[color:"red"]1)True Repentance. This is of their own accord without the BS “reminding them” or “enforcing ‘boundaries’ on them.” This means that the WS completely turns away from the A, the OP, and their own personal weaknesses that lead to the A—AND they go the opposite direction, turning toward the M, embracing the BS and the family (children), and doing work ON THEIR OWN to strengthen their personal weaknesses.[/color]

The WS softens their heart, admits they were wrong, wants to end the A and make things right, agrees to no contact (NC), and takes accountability measures ON THEIR OWN like sharing email passwords, cell phone records, schedules, etc.

If this is how your WS responds, then we would STRONGLY encourage you to have an equally soft heart, and don’t hold it over their head forever. [color:"red"]When a WS does choose to soften their heart, we *strongly* encourage the BS to "trust but verify." It is completely reasonable to keep checking up on the WS and keep confirming what they say and where they say they are. When words and actions match, when a WS is where they say they are going to be, when they are there WHEN they say they are going to be, and when a WS encourages their BS to take accountability measure, that is how trust is rebuilt.[/color]

Yep, there is a LOT of damage done, and a lot from which to heal, but have a little empathy and compassion. As a couple you two can begin Recovery, discover what weaknesses lead to this A, and build a stronger, closer marriage.

[color:"red"]NOTE: if the BS has to keep reminding the WS, or keep enforcing rules on the WS, then that may not be true repentance. A boundary is not something you enforce upon another person…it is a fence around YOU and what you will and will not accept. Thus, if you keep having to “remind” your WS or if your WS keeps trying to find ways to technically get around your “rules”—we would strongly suggest that you closely study your own boundaries.

NOTE #2: if every evidence indicates that your WS does seem to have a truly repentant heart and there is some sort of slip or contact from the OP that the WS does not want, this could be a huge opportunity to build your M. Imagine the position they are in! If they tell the BS and it is not safe (in other words, the BS explodes, accuses, and freaks out), the WS will be hesitant to be open again. If they don’t tell the BS because it’s not safe, and the BS finds out, it is a war. Instead, we propose that BS’s have a duty to give their WS’s a SAFE HAVEN in which to be open and honest—protect the WS from LB’s! At times we may say, “I want my partner to be honest with me!” but think about this: how do you respond when your partner IS honest with you and what they reveal is painful? Do you lash out, call names, or explode in angry outbursts? Then you are most likely teaching your partner to not be honest with you. We propose, rather, that when your partner is honest with you, even when if it hurts you, thank them for their honesty.[/color]

2)False Repentance OR Blatant Contempt. This could be demonstrated by pretending to repent, by actually “feeling bad” for a while but doing nothing to stop returning to the A, by hiding the A more effectively whilst lying straight-faced to the BS, or by wantonly and blatantly pursuing the A no matter the cost. The WS shows blatant contempt for the laws of god, the laws of the state, their vows, or whatever it is that once was a binding factor in their life. The WS hardens their heart and continues despite being exposed.

[color:"red"]Some show this hardening by false repentance. They cry “crocodile tears” or actually regret what they’ve done, but don’t do anything to stop to the A and return to the M. The WS may admit they are wrong, promise NC, and may seem to do “everything on the list”—but in reality they miss the main point because they do not actually repent OF THEIR OWN ACCORD. They do NOT cease their destructive behavior—they simply hide it better behind a curtain of promises (raise the right hand, poor out the flask - and then sip from that flask in the left hand.) They may stop the A temporarily, or they may go further underground. They may say they are ending the A and then think of technicalities to continue it. [/color]

Some show this hardening by blatant contempt. They continue to rage and blame. They refuse to admit they were wrong. They do ANY THING to continue the A—including lying, cheating, and stealing. They rub the A in the face of the BS and don’t care if their WHOLE FAMILY disowns them. They keep secrets and demand “privacy”—and they absolutely refuse any sort of counseling or coaching.

[color:"red"]True Repentance and continuing the A in any form are mutually exclusive. You CANNOT work on a marriage AND have an affair, just like driving two directions at the same time - impossible.

Once the BS discovers the A and does some exposure, if the WS hardens their heart and continues to pursue the A, they really are not considering their BS or family's best interests anymore. At that point, lots of times, the WS is only thinking of themself and what they have to do to get what they want (the OP), and if that means betraying, hurting, harming or destroying their BS or their family, they'll do it. That's part of the reason why Plan B is necessary...because the BS can't depend on the WS to protect them anymore. In fact, usually quite the opposite...the BS needs to protect themself (and the family) from the WS. [/color]

If this is how your WS responds, then you might progress to Plan B.

Plan B. You decide it’s time for Plan B, but the thought of cutting off contact with your WS is terrifying. You are SURE that you will drive them straight into the arms of the OP and straight to divorce court. But against all your instincts, you take a leap of faith, hoping against hope that this will finally be the thing that wakes your WS up. You agonize over every word of your Plan B letter, and you let folks on the forum critique it. And then finally, one day, you give your WS the letter—this is probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. It is SO scary!!!! In some ways you are just as addicted to them as they are to their lover. The first few hours and days, you will come up with a zillion “reasons” why you HAVE TO contact them. “It’s for the kids,” you’ll say. “I’m just passing along information that they need to know.” Basically, you are so afraid that you’re losing them that you feel compelled to do something!

The very best thing you can do for yourself, your WS, and your M is to find a REALLY GOOD FRIEND who will sit up with you for a couple days and talk you out of it. Like someone who has an unhealthy attachment, you will have an enormously strong desire to break the Plan B, and all this will do for your WS is demonstrate to them that you don’t mean what you say, and that you don’t think enough of yourself to follow through on your own word. STAND STRONG. Get someone to be with you and don’t call. It will be a very rough couple of days, but you will get through it. Perhaps you could go for 15 minutes at a time (“I won’t call for 15 minutes, and in 15 minutes I’ll re-evaluate if I even want to call”) because 30 minutes or an hour is WAY too long!

When you establish Plan B, expect your WS to be MAD. They will NOT like the idea that you are taking back control of your life or the situation. They will be angry that you took away one of the pieces of their cake. They will make threats and say things to hurt you in order to get you to react (and by reacting, we mean contacting them). They will try all kinds of tricks to get you to back off of your Plan B. Expect this, and recognize it for what it is: an attempt to re-engage you in the cake-eating lifestyle.

[color:"red"]At first is may APPEAR as if the WS and OP have it all: freedom from the obligations of M, a new love in their life, the house and kids and money to pay for their little lovenest...none of the baggage or responsibility of which you seem to be carrying it all. On the surface, it looks like they get all the "fun and good stuff" and you get all the "burdens and pain." But this is just an illusion, and usually within a pretty short time real life sets in on the WS and OP.[/color]

When Plan B works, it works precisely BECAUSE the WS is driven into the arms of the OP. Now, the WS has to depend entirely upon the OP to meet all their needs. Now that the A is no longer a delicious secret, they have to deal with all of “real life”—bills, and kids and everything. When the A was a secret, the WS thought it was going to be “heaven” to be with the OP. In real life, the kids are hurt and angry and don’t like the OP at all!! In real life, the OP doesn’t provide the big house and new car that the WS has learned to enjoy. In real life, they start to argue over bills and having to live in an apartment. In real life, the OP has to go to work and isn’t always around to whisper sweet nothings. In real life, the OP is a cheater, and starts to see someone on the side—cheating on your WS –or- the OP didn’t really want to leave his or her M for your WS, they just wanted to continue the secret.

ONGOING THINGS YOU WILL EXPERIENCE:

Self-pity – bad choices: You’ll make mistakes, some bad decisions, react poorly at times. You’ll turn into a human marshmallow, maybe even embarrass yourself. You’ll do things that are “out of character” and not really you. You’ll feel as low as the dirt under a slug, and feel worthless, unloved and unlovable. A lot of the time, you may feel like one gigantic MISTAKE. You may keep going back to a WS that abuses you. You may let your WS trample your boundaries—or shoot, you may not even HAVE boundaries! You may just completely lose it and LB all over the place. You may be tempted to have an affair of your own. You may become a complete doormat—or on the other hand, you may become domineering or controlling. You may want to “MAKE” them come to MB. Just remember that this is natural and we’ve all done it.

The Rollercoaster: You will feel like killing yourself or your WS today, and feel like you “just might make it” the next day. You will feel completely sucked dry and torn up one day, and hopeful the next. You will be “up” then “down” then “up” then “down”—and eventually you will get a little seasick from the rollercoaster of emotions. [color:"red"]You (the BS) will often feel like YOU are the insane one, because your WS keeps telling you that you are. It may feel as if all of your judgments and perceptions are faulty, and you can’t trust yourself to think straight.[/color] Just remember that eventually it does level out, whether your M recovers or just you do.

Babbling: The WS will babble pretty much as long as they are involved with the OP in the A. They will completely revise history. They’ll say they’ve been miserable for YEARS, or you’ve neglected and hurt them for YEARS. They may even say, “We were NEVER in love” or “I have never loved you like a wife or husband should.” Actually, Orchid is our WS Babbling expert,Reverse Babble, but just remember that this is also pretty normal. [color:"red"]They will defend the OP and wonder why you and your family don’t like the OP. They may even demand that the BS *apologize* to the OP for “being rude.” [/color]

A lot of what comes out of the WS’s mouth is meant to shift blame or focus off of them and onto you, so don’t take it to heart. Even if there is a modicum of truth to what they’re saying (and there most likely will be), know that you two WERE once in love, and DID have some happy times and loving years. See if you can learn to recognize WS Babble and practice reverse babble if you can get the hang of it.

[color:"red"]Weird Behavior from the WS. Periods of absences—he or she may go off to work and just not return home at night or for a couple days. Clocks don't work and neither do calendars or cell phones.

You can expect a gentle, caring partner in life to turn into a cold-blooded tyrant whose sense of entitlement would rival any two-year-old toddler's.

You can expect to be blamed for causing all the problems in the marriage with your "rigid" ideas on stuff like monogamy, fidelity, putting your own family first, etc.

You can expect to be ignored for hours or days at a time.

Long-term Effects to the BS.
1) PHYSICAL—weight loss, anxiety attacks, prolonged stress changing blood pressure and chemistry resulting in: mini-strokes, ulcers, fainting, cramps, and insomnia. Being in long-term crisis can result in excess adrenalin, and once the crisis of the A settles, the loss/lack of adrenalin in the system can leave the BS physically exhausted and unable to physically function.
2) MENTAL/EMOTIONAL—extreme irritability, chronic Depression, insomnia, numbed-out emotions, nervous breakdown, suicidal thoughts, post-traumatic stress.
3) SPIRITUAL—questioning of lifelong beliefs, loss of church and pastor and spiritual fellowship, loss of faith.
4) CAREER—loss of job, loss of money, change of career direction. There may be career fallout because you are in such a bad place mentally, things that formerly mattered to you no longer do. You neglect responsibilities that need attending to, and go from being productive to being completely useless overnight.

You may experience similar stages when trying to break the cycle with an abusive or controlling spouse, or when faced with other traumatic life events (like major illness).

You may also need to consider that there are major issues which can not be fixed with ordinary affair-recovery methods. This would include issues such as mental illnesses in which the spouse does not actively participate in their own recovery, childhood physical or sexual abuse, addictions (such as sexual addiction, alcoholism, etc.), or personality disorders. Even if these issues DO EXIST, however, they are still not a reasonable excuse for someone to have an affair.

~~Thank you to everyone who contributed your additions, your comments, your thoughts, and your opinions to help us make this a more accurate depiction of things you can expect if your spouse is having an affair. Keep your ideas coming!! [/color]


FNCJ and DD

See this article on our blog CJ and DD