Here are simply the facts, I want to know simply if you personally believe it was cheating. Simple Yes or No please?

Husband Born in 1976, 2004 Income $278,000, White
Wife Born in 1978, 2004 Income $35,000, White
Marriage Date June 1997
Children 1 Male Child Born July 2003

November 17th 2003 wife states that couple should get seperated for a while

November 18th 2003 last time wife says, "I LOVE YOU" to spouse.

January 2004 marriage counseling fails

April 2004 last time couple has sex, kiss, hug, or even shake hands

July 2004 wife moves from California to Washington, DC

July 2004 legal seperation occurs

August 2004 $55,000 is paid to wife for down payment on her home

August 2004 $5,500 a month begins to wife for spousal support

August 2004 $1,500 a month in child support to wife begins

August 2004 legal seperation is filed

April 2005 couples home is sold creating equity of over $350,000

April 2005 husband pays wife $125,000 in additional equity in home (on top of $55,000 paid in August of 2004)

April 2005 husband pays all of spousal support (set to be spread over 3-1/2 years) in the amout of $225,000.00

August 2004 - April 2005 husband begs wife to try one more time by moving back or letting him move in with her, wife refuses repeatedly

May 2005 husband begins to date, has sex 2 - 3 weeks into relationship

June 2005 wife says that he is cheating

June 2005 husband breaks it off with 'other woman'

September 2005 (planned) wife moves back to California to work on marriage under same roof

Was it Cheating? single choice
	Yes, Until Divorce It is Cheating
	Yes, Technically--but not really
	No, the wife left, he was paying child support and alimony, not cheating
	No, Absolutely Not Cheating
Votes accepted starting: 08/15/05 05:34 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

I believe you are asking about what you did. I won't say how I voted so as to not effect the poll results; however, are you certain she wasn't having an affair herself.

You guys were awefully young when you got married. Most affair relationships last about 2 years and then fizzle on there own. Interesting it's almost been 2 years. I commend you for holding out for her, despite your own "infidelity". Did you consider that your indiscretion might have been the one thing which even allowed her to consider coming back to you. You may have inadvertently leveled the playing field. I recommend you act remorsefull for your "indiscretion" regardless of the poll results and how justified you feel.

Did you ever hire a Private Eye or otherwise investigate her motives for leaving you but not divorcing you? It sure paid off for her.

I hope she does come back and you get the opportunity to be a father again. Read and post on the General Questions II board for advice on how to uncover her potential infidelity, win her heart back, get custody of your child (or at least keep'em in the same state).

Take a poll whether you can kill her if she comes back broke. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I always wonder. I didn't hire a private investigator, thought about it but price was $10,000 and in California it is a no fault state so I was literally spending the money just for a piece of mind. Things were definitely suspicious but never had any proof. She works for the government in intelligence so she could easily hide it. I however reluctantly completely believe that nothing physical happened. Would I be surprised or hurt to discover otherwise, no I wouldn't be but I honestly don't believe it happened.

I have 50% custody (4 - 6 weeks at a time) and yes he goes clear across the country each time. I am bounce back and forth between the Conflict and Withdrawal phase. I broke up with the other woman simply because my wife made me have some hope that things could be better. That is what's better for my wife, my family, my son, economically for my son (more money for the child if both parents are together), but I am concerned that my feelings towards my wife will never return to where they should be.

This site only discusses that marriage is always the better option though so my thoughts that perhaps us apart may be better for both of us wouldn't go over to well here. ;-)

She has spent about $50K but the rest is still intact.

Wish you well. You guys were so young. I didn't even get married until I was nearly 30. For your son's sake I know you'll give it an honest effort. Try to take the relationship from scratch. She's now about 27 and has had new experiences and hopefully gained maturity...she's not going to be the same little 19/20 year girl you married.

If she harps on your unfaithfulness I'd have to believe she too was unfaithful. If she lets it go and attempts to rekindle your marriage then I'd tend to believe her. Try to see a counselor just on the premise that in order to rekindle or have a great friendship you may need help overcoming your resentment for her disappearance.

Us posters are not all going to give you crap if you decide to stay. Regardless of infidelity she did break her vows. You're going to need help and you can choose to get some here.

Government intelligence - isn't that an oxymoron?

I'll stay away from the battle you have incited on the other thread. I normally post there but got bored and check out this thread. Please don't take your resentment out on posters. In my opinion, an open marriage or consentual infidelity will never allow you to achieve the true intimacy marriage was designed to achieve. Get upset all you want but stick around maybe you'll learn something. I know my overly trusting and being somewhat open and progressive thinking about marriage landed me here in the first place. I've since learned. IMHO, Marriage only works one way...if that's what you want...stick around and learn how to do it.

By the way, I reluctantly voted the technically, yes answer (versus just yes) because you could have chosen to initiate divorce proceedings. If you really thought it was absolutely over before you started dating and had a few weeks of dating (or just several dates prior to intercourse)...why not just file. Divorce proceedings take time and could have prompted your wife to come back before "technical" infidelity. Your justifications are better than most Wayward spouse's and I am not judging you either way...I'm just voting. Would I have done it...not now...knowing all I've gleaned from this site.

Ah ha! ActDR, we still found you, even though you try to avoid conflict. (Can you guess that I'm not usually a conflict avoider yet?) Even in my fragile state, being in the first 3 or so days since I've figured out about this @#$%^ Affair, I try to see things not as black and white, but on a continuum. Compared to most of our WS's, this guy (who we all know gave us a somewhat biased background prior to the questionaire) did not "cheat" nearly as much as most WS's. Heck, I'll bet there are folks out there who have cheated the IRS worse than this.
Not to lose sight of the big picture, though, I'll just say I'm happy to hear that a1b2c3... and his wife are trying to reconcile, if for no other reason than the wonderful child involved. Hope that someday I'll be there.
Maybe my poll will be something like::: Ok, he cheated. He's truly sorry. I'm taking him back. Question How many years of nightly backrubs will it take before he has balanced out the equation? (a) 10 years, (b) 20 years, or (c) I'll let you know...but throw in some foot rubs, too!

I don't mean to make light of this heavy situation, but you all can probably see that I try to humor my way out of every situation.

I can't believe some of the responses you got on the other thread...well, strike that, I can believe that you got the answers you got over there. Many people here believe that cheating is cheating no matter what, but I know that if my H and I were legally seperated, basically divorced, except that little piece of paper....then, I would expect us to do what you did.

Now, was it the SMART thing to do?? No...one reason, cheating can lead you to lose a lot in a divorce( although, I suppose that would depend on the state), plus, you have to know that starting any kind of relationship that soon is only going to be a rebound romance...why not make sure you are healed before you begin to jump into it with another woman?? Also, I think another poster said it best...if it was truly hopeless, and you were already feeling divorced...why not file and make it offical before doing anything so that your *ss is covered in all circumstances???

Like all the other posters, this is just my opinion. I am glad you still want to work it out with your wife...and hope you make it. I do not think I would take my H back after all that..so, I commend you. I hope you use the things that you learn from this site...even those nasty comments that you don't like...they often get you thinking, and sometimes, even make you change your own views! So, keep posting, reading, and working hard!!!

I wish you well.

True

I think this thread's tone difference is merely luck. The other board is flying right now but if the pro's were around earlier they may have glanced over here and had it out with A1B2 here instead.

Like the poll..it's not stastically accurate.

Besides 2 x 4's stir the soul.

IM - your right about conflict avoidance, but this public forum is such a futile place to argue symantics. I prefer to just stay away.

I'm wondering how my response over there will be taken...