*2nd marriage for both of us
*married 8-14-97
*I have 3 children, 24, 20, 10 (10 year old lives with us)
*He has 6 children, 26, 22, 18, 16, 14, 13 (shared custody, our house every weekend, holidays, and half the summer, children go and come as they please.)
*His carrear-dairy farmer, typically works 100 plus yours per week.
*I gave up my job after the first year ond a half of our marriage.
*Affair-He started one May 2004, Confrontation July 2004, NCL Aug. 2004.
This is the problem in a nutshell. He puts very little effort into our relationship. Without my persuing our relationship there is no relationship. I'm fed up. This particular fight which has been repeated many times in our marriage was about his coming home an hour late for dinner again with no call home. As usual, every one of my complaints is met by criticisms and accusations instead of following the advice of Dr Harley and other counselors. Then he locked himself in the bedroom to sleep after he said he was ready to forget our marriage too. I have taken off my wedding band for the first time since we were married and intend to call an attourney as soon as an office opens. I have started to pack. I will not chase after him again begging him to come back so see no hope, I just hope he doesn't get nasty.

Sounds like a life changing decision being made with a very emotional heart.

Care to work on a plan for you?

I have to scoot to work and won't be back 'til late tonight. Keep posting please.

I am not adverse to you checking out your legal options but make sure you are doing it with no regret.

Remember to keep your mind and heart in sync. In other words you should want t/d this regardless of what he is currently doing to you. His peaks of neglect is routine for you, right? Your actions should not be based on his peaks. It should take them into account but your actions need t/b done with a level head and soundness of mind.

take care,
L.

Thanks for your sound advice. I know you are right. In fact the first thing I did yesterday morning as soon as my church office opened up was go in and talk with my pastor to ask for prayer to make wise decissions and to remove the furry I felt. His advice was to wait a few days till I was calmer before I took legal action.

In the afternoon my son had an apt with his counselor. Yesterday I had mentioned that it would be nice if my H met him since he had been seeing him for a year. When we got there my H called my cell and said he was on his way and would be there in 15 min. I arrainged with the counselor and my son for my H and me to use the counseling appointment time. We haven't been to a counseler for several years. We both agree that the last one we tried was not helpful. The counselor was skillful as keeping the discussion relivant and pushing for common ground but at the end of the hour my H was still clinging to not being willing to change.

We had more discussion at dinner. I was calm and logical like he wants. He has said and done nothing to reasure me at this point. To tell the truth I can't figure out what he can say or do that will cause me to change my mind. I am still resolved that the only course of action is to get a divorce.

U sound exhausted. Glad you found an IC/MC who will help you and your family.

As for the WS, can't imagine how he can do his job and still have an A. What part of his job has he been neglecting?

I think he hasn't hit rock bottom yet. You want t/b there to catch your H when the WS does fall? Notice the different description of H vs WS.

I was in a similar situation but my WS had a lot more time on his hands. That's what led to the A. I learned a lot from the book: Love must be tough By Dr James Dobson.

A good communication book is His Needs/Her Needs. Helps us learn to talk to the 'other gender'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I am glad you are waiting a bit. I know you are hurting but please read the info here b4 making that D decision. If not for your M, then do it for you so when you do choose to walk away from your M, you will do it w/o regret.

take care,
L.

I am exhausted. Most of my expectations have turned into disapointments in this marriage. The counseling session was a one time thing because he was there and didn't expect it. He doesn't want to go back. He feels like it is a waste of money. Of course as good as the counselor was, he could not bring WH to do the right thing.

One of my winning arguments for giving up the affair was that it was costing him as much time or more of his pressious time as persuing a relationship with me his wife would cost.

I am praying for him to hit that bottom. He is so proud and self sufficient.

I looked at Dr. Dobson's book. When WH had his affair I was basicly following the books advice of moving away instead of chasing and it did not work. He went elswhere instead of coming after me.

I have read all of Dr Harley's books several times and we have been working on his study guides. I have been committed, WH has been reluctant the whole way.

Yesterday morning he came home for a while and committed to rereading Surviving an Affair and coming up with a plan that evening. When he came home for dinner (1/2 hour break from work) I realized that his men are chopping hay and he is likely to be home late. He gets up at 3 or 4 every morning and it is all he can do to keep his eyes open till 9pm. I know I couldn't do it and I don't try. I was feeling very angry that he was leaving so little of himself to devote to this and very doubtful of any success. To make matters worse my son was very mouthy and crittical of me.

Well he came in at 8pm. He stayed up and skimmed the book for about an hour then wrote out his goals. They were insightful and accurate to what he needed to do but very general and broad rainging. When I pushed for specific measurable, concrete evidance that he was meeting his goals we settled on his filling in an agenda with plans for the future. My number one need is not listed in Dr. Harley's book. It is for Dependability, stability, order, regimen, planning, security, commitment. Second and very closely related is honesty and openness. He suggested recording how event of the week impacted us.

I went to bed with hope and expectation and a bit of doubt. When he got up for work this morning I expected him to write something in the agenda before he left. When I got up there was nothing. Yesterday, he came home about 10am. He is usually finnished with morning milking about then. I'm watching the clock wondering if he will come home today.

I am definitely exhausted.

My pastor doesn't give me release contact a lawyer till after he has a chance to work with my WH first which will not be till next week because this week will be the biggest, most important harvest of the year. I have no doubt that my WH will have another affair if I am not having sex with him. He is probably on the prowel now. He still is lying to me and acting independantly. Our next lesson with Dr. Harley is Affection, my no. 3 need. We read the chapter in HNHN today and he expressed a reluctance to touch, grrrr. Can you imagine having sex without touching? That would realy work.