27, married 5 yrs as of jun05 w/ college sweetheart. two ds 5 and 18mths. basically, had an affair with OM that lasted for a lil' over a year. it began as an emotional affair thru emails (but all innocent. then away from dh (while vacationing home with extended family) one drunken night, and the unthinkable occurred. slept with OM one time. yet, still allowed friendship to continue thru the distance. finally, after six months or so, i then cut all ties completely from OM. when i decided to take a vacation again a few months ago, i vowed myself that i wouldn't try to communicate with OM if i see or meet him while at home. i was completely committed to my family, trying to move forward, but after seeing OM (no dh again), it was ten times worse. the sexual escapade went on the entire interim (over a month). dh starts to hear stories, but of course instant reaction was to deny, deny. more like lie, lie. after thinking i could finally be rid of the deceit, another WHAM, i find out i was eight weeks pg. i couldn't hide the deception and the guilt that was overwhelming me anymore, so finally, i came clean and confessed to my dh who knows of the awful truth of my indiscretions. as well as the rest of my family (in-laws included). as for the baby, i had an abortion, b/c i couldn't put my family thru that shame.
i blame myself for all the pain and hurt i put on my family, especially my dh. i still love dh with a passion, and i'm willing to fight for this M. i've completely cut all communication from OM only after mentioning of pg and my plans to get abortion (tx) as well.
it's been really hard the last few weeks. it feels like a very long emotional rollercoaster that's neverending for me and my dh. we continue to talk it out, and there seems to be more better days than bad ones, but the thought of it all burns too much for my dh as well as for me and it's much difficult now, seeing how he and i work opposite scheds. so we rarely see eachother. i so love my dh and will do all i can to make this work. but lately i've been feeling so sad. i can't seem to look people in the eye anymore. i have no motivation for living. i'm so depressed about the whole affair that i wish to God that it never should have done it in the first place. currently, trying to find a MC, but seems no available slots in area. willing to travel to farther location for help. any ideas?

I really think you should look into not only marriage counseling, but also individual counseling. It sounds like you are depressed and I hope you work on that as well.

Do you live in a small town? Is that why it is so hard to find a counselor?

Please take care of yourself for your children. It sounds like you are doing what you can to work on your marriage and you also need to take care of yourself.

I am praying things improve for you.

It sounds like you may also be suffering grief over the abortion. You may want to check into counceling for that as well.
I am sorry you are having such a rough time. How long has it been since D-day and the time of the abortion?
It usually takes a marraige about 2 yrs to recover from this type of betrayal.

Keep posting.

Lori

thank you so much for your positive responses. i sure do appreciate it. yes, i live in the suburbs (somewhat of a small town), but didn't realize that every MC i called in the area are overbooked. there are even waiting lists. this gives you an idea, that there is major issues in suburbia amongst married people. i really am being proactive about it all. i hope that i can find one MC that can work around my dh and i's schedules. it's really difficult to have a timeslot were the two of us are actually off at the same time. my days off are the weekends, but many MCs in the area rarely take appointments on those days seeing how they rather spend that time with their families, and of course that's understandable. but i'm really hopeful that i will find someone soon.

as for feeling any grief about the abortion, i have an incling of remorse b/c my family (parents, sister, even dh) were against of the tx idea, basically they're pro-life, but in all hindsight, i felt that i made a decision in order to deflect the already shame, and pain that i put my family in. i'm ashamed of all that i did, but i choose my family that i have now, and not try to raise a whole new one. b/c really, if i were to carry the baby to term, that this lil' person will be a product of not my marriage, but of my infidelity, i couldn't allow my family to deal with that.
i'm just so sad that i brought this upon myself, and that it really hurt my dh. my husband and children are my main focus at this point. dh is willing to go thru MC, and that is a start. rather than resorting to D, especially when it comes to issues like this.
i continue to contemplate the worse, and i beat myself for it. there's times when i'm at my wits end, and cannot function, but then my thoughts revert to my sons. and gosh, i so love these boys. they remind me of how more meaningful my life is, so i do hope that i can someday find solace and peace with myself, and that dh is willing to trust me once again. i can only hope, right?

Japhelia,

The phone counseling through MB is very good and quite effective. You might want to consider it---follow the links on the website or call 888-639-1639 for appointments. I did it for quite a while, and Steve Harley did an excellent job with me.

Japhelia,

I am in a somewhat similar position to your husband. I discovered my wife's affairs over the last month, and on Monday of this week I received paternity test results that show the youngest of our 3 children ,who is 2.5 yrs, is not my biological son. You can read my account under "Badly in need of help".

The emotions you are feeling are confusing to you in large part because you are unsure of the cause of your actions, and ashamed of the result. You are probably very unsure about how to proceed, and are constantly trying to convince your husband you love him, and want to stay with him. He loves you and his kids, and does not want to lose his family, but I can guarantee you he is disoriented as well. You probably are not sure what to say to him to convince him, but if he is a good man, and it sounds like he is, he is not telling you about how deeply hurt and lost he is right now. You have to understand that he is going to question the sincerety of anything you tell him. His biggest question is "why did she do this?", or "how could she have done this?", and if you don't help him answer that, or dismiss it with things like "I don't know why I did it" or "it meant nothing" it won't help him, it will create more questions. That is why professional help is so important...you can't answer those questions on your own. The depression, anxiety and shame are a result of confusion...that is why you can't shut your brain off. I know your love for your kids is strong, but it is not sufficient to get you through this. Marriage counseling can help, but listen to what these other people are saying. You have to get to individual counseling and address not what you did, but what events in your life helped form a personality that would behave in a self destructive manner.

I very much want to know how your situation turns progresses. Please keep posting.

k, thanks for the info. instead, i googled and to my surprise found a counseling center just outside the county, approx. twenty-five mins away (small price to pay), but i'm willing to do the long drive, b/c my M means more to me than anything at this point. and even the price quote seems reasonably affordable. more affordable than the quotes in my area. they quoted me a rate that was actually fair game. so i'm elated! ;D now, dh and i got an appointment for tomorrow. the earliest appointment that i could get in my area was late next week, but it would only benefit my dh and not me, seeing how i get off later. so yeah, everything worked out for the best in the end.

dlc1502, thank you for your words. i did read your story too, and i definitely feel for you and your family.
as for your comments on "unsure of the cause of your actions, and ashamed of the result", terribly enough i do know why i did it. but the "how could i" is something i am definitely struggling on. and as painsaking to admit it esp. to my dh, i told him the awful truth of the why. but i rather not turn this post into trying to justify my reasoning for the affair, so i'll leave it at that.
but you're right that we do need to be counseled both on an individual basis and that's the intent as well. if my dh cannot open up to me, may be he can freely be expressive with a third-party that is more subjective to the issue at hand.

never in my mind did i think i would ever do this to him.

so had first day of MC session last week Friday, and it seemed to help. will have my alone time this week, and then next week H. i'm hopeful that all will work out.

Good luck J. I hope it works out for ya'll!

Good luck!!

J.,
married 18years <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
A. 7y ago

thank you to all. this site definitely helps. i've had my second session with MC w/o H and it's helping matters for the better.
i've discovered that i am so craving that emotional need from H, and seeing how H and i work opposite work schedules makes it even more difficult to work on the issue at hand. H plans to take a stress leave (w/ pay) and that'll help in allowing us to see eachother more often. may be option to change jobs will be best.

Thank you for being honorable enough to get the abortion. you cut down on lots of pain for lots of people.