Evening Paradise,

There is something wrong with the picture you and I are creating here. I am becoming the gardener who is so inept with tools and handiwork my son asks that I "just step away from the drill please". You are becoming a female "Tim Taylor" or maybe his sidkick Al, who knew what he was doing. Definitely not the norm , the two of us, that's for sure.

OW#4, that is actually frightening when you stop and think about it. What do these women think is going to become of dating a married man? Why would you even go there? Especially if he is the balding, gnome of a man you sometimes describe him as. I'm sure you exaggerated somewhat given the circumstances, but even still, how many bimbo's are there out there that will date a married man?

I may be stepping over an imaginary boundary here but why on earth would you still be even thinking of reuniting with this man as things stand? It's not the same man you used to know so well and have come to love and respect over all those years. Respect yourself and get far far away from his antics and try and retain some good will towards the man while it still exists. Maybe someday years down the road the old Midnight will reappear and you can become friends again. In the mean time put some distance between the two of you for your own sanity. Darkness has its advantages. Three months now of no contact of any sort or nature and I can finally even feel sorry for my EX. That is a first for me, and it's all due to going dark.

Doesn't Springsteen have an album or song titled "Darkness on the edge of Town"? That is how you need to live for a good long while. I'm sure you have this in your musical library somewhere. Pull it out and live the title for a few months. Blue is the only man you need right now. He will lift your spirits better than any human male ever could.

Journal July 7th

Friends are life's treasure. They understand, care, listen, guide, laugh and cry with you. Fashion hang ups or should I say hang downs notwithstanding

After time they become part of us, sharing our memories, sharing them selves. I like to think I have quite a lot of my friends within me, captured in how I look at things, the kind of person I am, a turn of speech or expression.

As I write this, I am excited because one of my dearest friends is on a plane to Rome, later she and her family will travel to Venice then Paris, vicarious travel, thrilling and inexpensive.

I have looked up all the towns they are going to. When I see the pictures, the odd informed comment will pop out with a smile. I just left a message saying I am thinking of her and will be looking forward to welcoming her home.

Friend’s come in all shapes – not all are human. At my hairdresser's today I picked up a dated magazine that had a story about a life saving beagle. The beagle was trained to predict when its master a diabetic was about to go into a coma by smelling the sugar levels in his breath. During one such coma, he bit the digit nine on his owner’s cell phone then barked for help when 911 picked up. The phone was programmed to ring 911 when 9 depressed. He must have been trained to do this. Technically, he could easily order pizza – heavy on the pepperoni please!

In the picture, his life saying medal draped around his neck, carried in his owner’s arms, I swear he has one eyebrow raised debonairly as though to say "I'm too cool!"

They are friends. Just like us.

Eibrab, I have been perusing my book shelves for a book by Thich Nhat Hanh - Peace is Every Step. He makes some excellent points to consider. If you believe that you can be happy, free from the stress and baggage of YOUR HUSBAND’s actions, you will. It is that simple.

Breathe!

The unhappy alternative is to let the OW win on a far greater scale and do a tap dance of sorts on your character, knowing you let her in.

Dukhuntr,

I just read your last post and giggled... You write very well and have such frank, honest wise comments. It is always a pleasure ...my friend.

Paradise & Eibrab,

I need some advice from a female perspective. I just got back from a funeral for an old family friend. At the services I sat with the people I work with and noticed half way thru that my DD, EX, and EXMIL were all there together. At the end of the services I went over to say hello to my Daughter and she tried to pretend she didn't see me. I actually had to tap her arm to get her attention.

I was polite and just said hello and asked her how she was. We chatted about my Dad's 75th birthday today and what we were going to do when he finally shows up. My question is though, thru all of this she seems still ill at ease with me. Especially when her mother and grandmother are anywhere near. Is this natural? Do I even try to make this better with her or just give her the time and space to deal with this on her own? I love her dearly and miss seeing her and it hurts to know she spends so much time with her mother and grandmother while I rarely see her and only talk to her on the phone a few times a week. What if anything do you think I should do? Is there things I should definitely not do? I'm lost here.

Duk...

This past week...on top of everything..I stumbled on a handwritten letter from my daughter (13) to her father for Father's Day.

In it, she praised the actions of her father over the past two years, saying how well he handled himself and how well he "puts up" with me. She thanked him for always being "there" in reference to school events and track meets.

In her track season this year, she had 5 meets. She and her father fought so badly at the first over his "instruction" that he never attended another one - at both of their agreement. I was at all of them.

It hurts, doesn't it?

I have done nothing. I don't know what to do as well. She knows I read it...and maybe that was wrong to do..but I truly thought it was a happy sentiment and it was not hidden.

I think that children feel favor to the one who's praise and attention they crave because they know how hard it is to receive it. If you XW has been so absorbed in her own self, it may be that your daughter seeks out her time and favor for fear of losing it.

She probably knows that you are always going to be there. In my world, H has become fearful of losing our children's favor. He will never reprimand, nor "parent" at all anymore. My daughter will be 14 this month and her actions have become disturbing in regards to growing up too fast. I am the bad guy as I refuse to allow her life to subject to the pressures of life and I keep a close eye on her...Her father will look right past it all.

So, she favors him..and she is favoring him falsely, as we both know his behvaior is not worthy of praise.

I suppose, as a woman and a mother..that I would advise you to say and do nothing...I know how hard that is. But, honestly, what could either of us do to make our point where it wouldn't drive them further away at this crucial stage?

I care. I truly, truly do. You and I do not deserve any of this.

Eibrab

Paradise..

You helped two people today, amongst many.

I went to the local library looking for the Peace Is Every Step book that you suggested. They did not have it available.

So, I called the local bookstore and was greeted by a wonderful gentleman named Richard who was even able to rattle off the author's name with great accuracy. He put aside a copy until I was able to go after it tonight. He suggested that I might enjoy several books by the same author.

We had a long day of baling hay and I was quite lovely when I went to retrieve my book. *grin*

I asked the cashier if Richard was there and she called a Manager over to speak to me thinking that I might have a complaint.

How does one complain with a huge smile on their face?

I told the manager that at times..a stranger can make a difference...and Richard's demeanor on the phone that morning in helping me with my purchase was one of those times.

Richard was going to get the employee "prize" for the week!

God Bless this book-selling man, wherever he is.. and God Bless you my friend for caring.

I shall go read..

Eibrab

Eibrab,

That is the second time I have heard that theory about the children favoring the weaker parent. My IC said the same thing. His theory is that they are afraid the weaker parent will decide to abandon them also. Hence the inequitable time and favor shown to the WS. I didn't want to believe it until now. I figured it was more a gender thing. Daughters favoring mothers, etc. Given how your daughter is acting he has gained a lot more credibility in my eyes.

I guess all we can do is be the person we have always been and try not to become impatient or hurt by a natural child to parent connection. You would tend to concentrate your efforts and attention on a difficult horse wouldn't you? Why shouldn't a child keep a closer bond to a less stable parent? Now all we have to do is to learn to accept this and deal with it ourselves. Not as easy as it sounds when already hurting huh? I guess it's the price we pay for being stable and dependable. Nothing is fair in this life is it? Hang in there someday somehow our kids will look back and know what all happened and see the truth and know what is right.

So you and I help each other keep our patience and cool with our kids. Not a difficult thing normally , but these are not normal times.


Sleep well!

Dukk..

Actually, when it comes right down to it.. being put away for a week and ignored does wonders for a difficult horse. Not allowing them the time and space to play, nor attending to any attention factor other than basic needs of food and shelter sometimes do me the most good, when I bring them out and start all over.

I just now realized that.

Somedays, Duk.. I just don't know how to keep moving forward. I am a smiling person by nature..you wouldn't see it in me. Paradise's book is tending to believe that if you smile enough..it becomes real.

Since I matched up in theories with your IC...he or she must be a very wise person, eh? LOL... can you tell me any more that might help me through things?

I care.

Eibrab

Hey Duk,

Oh man oh man oh man... this is such a tough situation - hurt on top of hurt. I have never been a parent, but I had a fabulous Dad and I know precisely what he would do in your shoes.

He would say the only way to rise above it all is through exemplary behaviour, i.e., putting a hold on judging others, appreciating what you have now, acting in the best interest of your family even though it requires steely control of your emotions and ignoring perhaps the fact that your wife is being manipulative. It matters naught.

Making sure you offer complete support to the relationships your children have with your wife is the most effective way to ensure they will not be torn by conflicting loyalties and inadvertedly believe they have to choose one over the other. It means being a parent before being a man.

Despite your wife's behaviour she is their Mom. Your children need to have a loving relationships with both their parents.

Tell your daughter that you love her very much.

Let her know that you miss her, that she is important to you, that to you she is one of the two biggest most profound successes in your life.

Invite her and her brother out once a week: to dinner out or a home made meal, a movie, shopping whatever. During these outings at no time is the ex to be a topic of conversation. Instead, be interested in what is going on in her life. Eventually it will sort itself out, most likely sooner if you can rise to the challenge of not allowing your feelings to rule. I know how hard this is. Yet Dad would tell you - it is the only way through the mess.

She may not be able to make every occasion but the invitations are important. If you gently persist over time the normal loving comfortable feelings will return. Don't give up even if at first she rejects you. Simply call her next week with the same offer. Understand that it is an awful situation for her too. One of the major sources of her security - her sense of family is tattered. You need to mend the tatters by being guided by what is best for the family as a whole.

There is no better test of character than what shines through during adversity. I see you shine more and more. Resolving your pain. Growing! Have faith she will too! She needs you to be strong, positive, understanding, undemanding and steady in your love for her regardless of her confusion. She needs her Dad.

I am sorry, this is happening. Yet it too will pass...

Sending you strong, patient thoughts...

PB

Oh Eibrab,

I am so sorry... Children can be so thoughtless. Thirteen is such a difficult age for a girl, one fraught with pressures and insecurities. I vividly remember getting a growth spurt on only one side of my body and nervously praying “Dear Lord, please let me have two like everyone else!” Carefully researching in the library all manner of sexual data because I was shocked and abhorred by what I heard about it in the school yard! Being cruelly hurt by a fickle in clique and feeling the pain of being a tall gangly all elbows and knees daisy compared to my Mom who was always and is an impeccably beautiful English rose. It was a trying time!

I suspect your daughter was writing what perhaps she thought your husband wanted to hear. Though mostly, about the reality she craves for - for him to be there for her in a totally supportive loving manner, when in reality, he is not always. It makes the letter sad.

I agree, children reach for what they don't have, ignoring what they do. She has your love. You are the rock. She is reaching for what she is worried she doesn't have.

Your husband's actions didn't just hurt you - they hurt your children too - they put at risk the entire family, raising the prospect of abandonment, a very scary thing for a thirteen year old. I wouldn't take her misguided efforts to ingratiate herself with a parent she is worried she might lose personally. It is no reflection on you.

I hope you enjoy Peace is Every Step. I remember it as being helpful.

Last night, I did something I never do. I went out to dine alone and then on to see Johnny Dep’s - Dead Man’s Chest. I never do dinner out alone – (seaweed salad and pork dumplings on a patio) and I don’t think I have ever gone to see a movie alone. It is entertaining fluff by the way.

Yet after talking to Midnight for just a few moments yesterday, I couldn’t sit in. He had stopped by to pick up the dog, slicked up clearly on his way to see someone. As we stood in my partially repainted foyer, I handed him a container of chicken soup for the dog’s dinner. He looked at it and asked “Is that for me?” I said “No that would be for the dog?” with only the barest smile.

After he left I was just so mad! On his way to see some one else and still expecting me to pack him home made goodies! The unmitigated nerve of the man! GRRRRR

I think I will to reread Peace is Every Step too this weekend!

Sending you strength…

PB

Eibrab,

I just finished a long and informative post only to lose it for some unknown reason. I am going to summarize it here in a much shorter version.

My IC has been a godsend. A friend recommended him and he's been great for me. There is no secret in what he does, he just repeats the same truths over and over until a dense duk gets it. Here's the short and sweet of what he bangs away at me about..

1) Duk you didn't do anything wrong here. You may have spent too much time in your basement on your own tying flies, etc. but nothing that entitled her to have an A.

2) Her dysfunctional family contributed to this in ways neither of us will ever fully understand. ie, DUI brother in jail for a year now, ex-felon brother just out of prison and back to dealing now, and father the serial cheater who still beliveves no one else knows.

3) Never say anything bad about EW or her family to the kids. Never have and never will. I have told them how disappointed I was but it stopped there. EW and IL's have told kids I spew venom all over town and kids buy it but he says it will come back to haunt the EW and IL's.

4) Kids will yell at me , challenge me and do things to me they never would to EW because they know I will be there for them no matter what. They will never challenge or yell at EW out of fear of abandonment and or rejection.

5) Look at the friends you have duk that have come forward to help and support you. Look also at the quality of these friends. You are a good person and these people belive in you and your integrity. Never do anything to change their beliefs or your childrens.

You are a good person too Eibrab. I can tell just from reading your posts the last few months. You are just as shocked that your WS could do these things as the rest of us. It is because we cannot envision a situation where we would do the same. It doesn't make us better it just means our values are different. Most of all my IC has challenged me to learn to care for myself again and you should too. Rebuilding our egos is the first step in being a whole person again. Caring about yourself is the key to this recovery.


P.S.- During IC the one thing that he pointed out to me that hurt a little was the fact that I process and fire information back at him quicker that he is used to. He says I am his biggest challenge as a patient during a session because he has to move faster and go thru more than any other patient. He thinks the EW's feelings of me being judgemental and overbearing stem from this same thing. That she couldn't process what I was saying as fast as I firing it out there. He thinks she would get frustrated and confused and shut me off in her head. I can remeber conversations of heated and emotional topics where I saw this happen and did not recognize it for what it was. That was my bad and I never saw it in myself.

HI PB,

Thanks for the advice and I hear every word of it. Most of what you said is verbatum from my IC. No bad mouthing, etc. I have never said a bad thing about the EW to the kids. As a matter of fact I have never said anything bad about her period. I have expressed my deepest regrets about how she chose to leave and how disappointed I was in her but that is it. Even to friends I have always said I still love her and wish she had chosen to stay and work on our marriage. I haven't said that in a long time and I don't think I ever will again.

I know it is true that I just have to endure the torture of not seeing my daughter, but it is just so darn difficult and emotionally painful to be ignored. I call or e-mail her every other day at least and extend invites to dinner or movies every week. About once a month is all I get. I know from my son she sees her mother almost daily. That hurts a lot. I will remain patient and positive because I am not willing to push her away totally. She still calls me when she needs money for school or advice about accounting or insurance. At least from this I know she still respects my knowledge and the advice I offer.

I think I was hoping someone had a magic wand that would heal all of these family wounds instantly. I know it's not going to happen in a hurry, I just want to speed it up so I have a little more time with my daughter. Basically a man being greedy and impatient as usual.

Journal

Wow talk about a strange evening. I went out with a girlfriend to see a local theatre production, a small neighborhood effort, geared to an eclectic crowd wearing interesting fashion. I was enchanted by one young gal that had used a paint brush as a hair pick. They handed out condoms when you purchased your ticket with an admonishment to practice safe sex. Momentarily taken aback I promptly made my friend laugh by accepting it with “Well one can always be an optimist!”.

A young gal sat down alone in front of us. She had stunning cascading blonde curls. If I think something complimentary I usually try to say it.

We all need compliments.

I leaned over to tell her she was having a great hair day and that it looked fabulous from behind. She turned around and said. “I have to look great. I am here to see the woman who wrote this play about relationships and costars in the two person production, because last week she stole my husband”.

Yowser! We invited her to sit with us so she would not be there so obviously alone. More grim details followed. The blonde playwright had stalked her husband, repeatedly calling him at home, a pattern of behavior she had a reputation for.

During the play, this OW stage actress/playwright asked for the house lights to come on and made a glib joke saying “I thought I would just apologize if there is anyone in the audience whose husband I have slept with or am sleeping with now. It was their fault by the way.” It was very unfunny. Women can be so unbelievably cruel. It made my stomach turn. Our young friend put her head down and started to cry. She got up shortly after that and exited the theatre – banging the door shut.

We watched the rest of the show with little enjoyment.

As we stood outside for a moment deciding on where to go for dinner, the BS came up to us again. While we chatted, her WS of 5 years walked by, said hello and then sauntered over to be with the much older, harder looking but audacious OW. While his wife stood there with tears shining in her eyes, her hands clutching the program containing a thank you from the OW to her WS for bringing the “joy of love back into her life” – using his wife’s pet name for him. Yikes!


I walked home some five miles under an almost full moon on a beautiful warm summer night, thinking about all the sad stories of love betrayed.

Dukhuntr mentioned a magic wand. Wouldn’t that be lovely, something you wave and all the hurt would be forgotten.

Hanh thinks that understanding is the magic wand. “You cannot resist loving another person when you really understand him or her”. I believe him. It is so easy to presume in life. Often we are wrong.

When I consulted I would do a tri-column analysis, headed by three questions. What do I need to know? What do I think I know? What do I really know? It was always humbling. Invariably, it would starkly point out to me that I do indeed really know very little. We think we understand others but seldom really do. If understanding is the basis of love it is no wonder it so often runs aground.

Oh Paradise...

This poor, POOR woman. My heart aches.

May I ask for your insight? If you located your Peace IS Every Step book, there is a list for living well in the back.

I am confused on how he says not to be angry.. I can retype it here if you need me to.

I cannot comprehend this. I cannot even understand it. I am lost. Can you help?

I'm feeling very lost these days.. I have GOT to snap out of this. I find myself not even being nice and cordial. That is so wrong.

Eibrab

DukHunter...

Your posts make me strong. I am at a loss of words as to why. I think we are very much the same person, though I feel you are much braver than I.

Btw.. I have the first "fly" my dear son ever tied on my purse. Everytime it jabs me I feel loved.

Do you think that when you possibly didn't seem appreciate of your XW (in her words) that you really did? Do we women think too much ?

I think too much.

Eibrab

Hey Eibrab,

I am taking a break from painting my foyer stucco ceiling. Listening to Rod Stewart,"As Time Goes By", sensibly glad in underwear and swim goggles, drinking a glass of nice blush wine. There is something dangerous about the newly handy, wine glass in one hand, mechanical paint sprayer loaded with oil based paint in the other!

Is the passage you are referring to is on page 128 of the 1992 edition?

"Do not maintain anger or hatred. Learn to penetrate and transform them while they are still seeds in your consciousness. As soon as anger or hatred arises, turn your attention to your breathing in order to see and understand the nature of your anger or hatred and the nature of the persons who have caused the anger or hatred."

I think he means that you observe both your emotion and your breath, conscious of both, aware that both are transitory.

Through observing our anger, accepting that right now it is part of us... using our breath to regain calm...he feels you can come to understand why you are angry. Once you understand why you are angry ... you can let it go. Often we tell ourselves not to be angry, I think he is suggesting if you are angry don't try to deny it, rather accept it but observe it mindfully.

On page 63 he says that anger is rooted in our lack of our understanding of ourselves and of the causes, deep seated as well as immediate that brought it about. He thinks the environmental triggers to anger are secondary. Anger is within our selves rooted in desire, pride, agitation or suspicion.

He makes an excellent point in that we don't get mad at earthquakes or natural disasters, but damage done by others, we don't have much patience for. We need to see that the person who precipitated our anger also has reasons, deep seated and immediate for what they have done. Not justification necessarily just reasons sort of a natural cause ....

There is also a reference on page 61 to a walking meditation when angry. Much easier walking when angry than trying to sit still! I think he has devoted an entire book to anger. I am not sure though. Richard would know!

Hope this helps....

Cheers

PB

((( Eibrab )))

Although through my life I have had tons of *things* to be angry about - but I rarely feel the emotion of anger.

I think that when I am angry at someone it only hurts ME, they could care less. It is like hating, the hater feels the hate and the one that they hate rarely even knows that the other is in so much pain.

Now don't get me wrong here. I feel pain, hurt sorrow - stuff like that. But anger really makes no sense to me.
I guess I couple it with hatred. I myself do not want to wish that on me, to feel that way. I do not want to give the person who I should be hating that much power and control over me and what I am feeling.

Does this make sense to you at all ?

I also am of the belief that if I keep smiling on the outside enough, I will start smiling on the inside.

Dear, I am in no way trying to make light of the pain that you are in. Not my intend whatsoever. I just am trying to show you what works for me and what I believe in.

Hope this helps a teeny tiny bit.

Dear God - Please give our angel Eibrarb some peace and ease up her load Dear God.

Bless you, carnation

Hey Carnation,

What a lovely post and so true. I second your sentiment.

Sometimes the load is just too heavy when you bear it alone. However friendship can dissolve it .. wash it away... into a puddle you can jump in and make quite the splash!

Cheers

PB

Eibrab,

I will never be able to claim to be either as strong or as courageous as you have already shown yourself to be. I cut and ran when we were still married and the EW and OM started showing up all over town where friends and family would see them and call me. I just could not take this, I was weak. Pride, self respect, or weakness, any way you cut it there was very little courage involved.Paradise is strong and courageous, you are strong and courageous, the duk was weak and full of self pity.

As for appreciating the EW, I loved and appreciated her more than she will ever comprehend. I used to ridicule friends because of the things their wives did and bragged about how good I had it. I guess I should have told her the same more often. We had our differences about debt and the use of credit cards and never reconciled these. When the discussions came up my personality and business background came out and dominated her to the point she felt intimidated and judged. Not what I meant to do but it's what I do day in and day out at work. Get your solutions and input out there for all to consider. She felt it was my way of saying this is how it is going to be I guess.

As for your situation I still see you as the same type of woman I always have. Like the character from "Lonesome Dove". The lady rancher out there on her own with her kids doing what she has to do to survive and prosper in a man's world. Keep doing these things and don't let someone else ruin your good disposition. Believe in yourself and let time heal the wounds. Your kids and other loved ones need you to be the same person you have always been. If you were to change, what would be left of their former lives? They need you to be the Eibrab of old.

My IC gave me a quote from a colleague he had copied and ready to hand out regularly. It talks about the illusion of control of others. The gist if it was that we cannot control anyone but ourselves. Anything else is only illusion. Accepting this is hard given the time and emotions we have poured into our WS's. But in reality we can do nothing to control them. Control yourself and take care of your children, that is the task at hand for you. Do not let the OW ruin your good disposition.

Have a pleasant evening and I will be sending out those positive thoughts for you all week.

Carnation...

I envy you.. to not feel anger must be a special quality. I can't tell you that what I feel is true anger. It's really an unknown feeling to me.

I am a smiler by nature. I smile at everyone...road workers, check-out clerks - everyone. It helps for the moment..it really does.

I can't explain why I feel that I've hit this low. I suppose that it is a realization that this will never change. I will always fear this MOW coming back in some way because she has the "right" to.

And I will always fear H protecting her over me...as in saying "what's the big deal?".. The big deal to me is that NC was issued by MOW and MOWH. She doesn't even follow her own rules.

I'm trying.. I really am.

Thank you so much for caring..

Eibrab

Paradise and DukHunter...

The best way that I an describe myself right now is sort of a clogged filter.. Ever change a filter in something..anything...because nothing could get in or come out?

That's me. I know that sounds silly..but that's me. I can't bring anything in and I can't communicate anything out.

I am silent.. I just stay silent. I'm not liking it much.

Eibrab