Eibrab,

That is such a wonderful post! I've printed it out and attached it to my fridge door.

It encapsulates the Buddhist concept of the "nature of mind" in nutshell. It is true.

What we see and experience through our senses are projections from within us - delusions so to speak because actually our very selves are an illusion.

The Buddhist believe it takes many years of meditation and visualization practice to "realize" the true nature of mind or "Buddha nature". We can however "feel" our Buddha nature in split second of compassion.

We do create our lives. We are responsible.

Thank you, I loved it.

PB

Kind of harsh..but I suppose true, eh?

I'm glad you liked it...this line of thinking has fascinated me. My faith is very important to me, but I also think that faith in myself has got to be of significant importance.

I sure am trying Paradise.

Eibrab

Hey Guys!

Call me the simple idiot from Nevada and all but isn't all of that a long and detailed description of controlling the one person you can- yourself. I love the way the thoughts are presented but at the core it melts down to the same principal doesn't it?

Eibrab, you should care for and yes, love yourself. Your family does and I know you have friends who do also. Phyllis does too! You nurture and care for all of those around you. Heck you have nurtured me here in this forum. Do what makes you happy and what you want to do in life. Don't do anything simply to please someone else or to fulfill someone else's ideals or moral code. Take the time right now to decide what it is you want and what you need to do to keep your yourself from becoming a different person. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the Eibrab I have come to know and like so much. Don't change yourself to adapt to the current situation. Change your role in the situation instead.

Phyillis is a poor example of how to deal with perceived threats, she retreats to her shell and only comes out when she feels safe again. You can't do that to your family and friends.

Hey Dukhuntr,

Blue and I are just winding down for the night. We were out earlier at a lovely family barbeque tonight. Blue has a strong partiality to barbeques.

We are heading out early tomorrow for a road trip - going for a two day visit to a friend's cottage, back in the city mid week to play a couple of days of catch up and then off sailing for three days in the thousand islands.

I hope you enjoyed your weekend!

Sending you happy thoughts....

PB

Het PB,

Nothing better for beating a heat spell than a good BBQ. Friends, food, and cold drinks all make for a good time. Have a great trip and don't forget to 'Let go of the wheel".

Duk

Dukhunter..

Last week I went to see the head of the little league football to see what could be done about who is on who's team.

Nothing happened at the visit as I asked for nothing at that time. I also told no one.


It seems that someone wrote an anonymous letter to the coaches slamming how they are chosen and their "morals"....specifically singling out my H among other's.

The head football guy called ME to ask if I wrote it AFTER he called H.

H won't even speak to me. He even spent last night in my sons' room. He says that I went behind his back, that I am sneaky and that he knows that I wrote this letter.

Which we did not get a copy of supposedly.

Can things get worse?

Eibrab

Paradise...

Oh how I wish I could join you.

Be safe <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eibrab

Eibrab,

You are letting things you can not control get to you again. Simply tell him you had no part it the letter and let him sort out the truth. Here's where the community can actually help you. Sounds like someone else feels what is going on is over the edge morally also.

Don't let yourself get sucked into his issues. And these are his issues not yours. He wants to bring you into this to lessen his own feelings of exposure. Don't let it happen!

Be confident and strong, time and stuff like this will help you if you let it.

Duk..

What can I say to a man that would make sense to him that I'm not buying into this?

Eibrab

Eibrab,

All you have to say is "I did not write the letter". If you have always been honest with him, and he knows it, it should start him to thinking. From there he will have to acknowledge that other people are seeing what is going on and not liking it. Sooner or later if he's half the nan you have described to me he will have to feel the true weight of what your community thinks. Kinda like peer pressure only in a good sense.

The same principal as MB exposure comes into play here. Hopefully he responds positively. My EX didn't and to this day she is still mad about exposure. Other than that stay out of the situation. Let whoever wrote the letter fight this battle. The most you would want to do is to endorse the sentiment. Don't LB by telling him you wished you would have thought of it first. Remember you want to be the "calm" here.

I wish things were different for you and that you could go with Paradise. A nice long trip while all of this gets resolved would keep you out of all the garbage that is bound to fly.

Duk..

Day four of not one word..and he's still sleeping in my son's room. What do you make of that?

Be honest. I can handle honest.

Eibrab

Eibrab,

You got me Eibrab? He has to know you did not do this in his heart. His pride is hurting for sure because he wants to be respected, especially around his peers in coaching. He will lash out at anyone or anything that takes that away from him.

All I can say is to try and be as rational and stoic around him as you can and if he confronts you again on this subject make sure you remain calm and simply repeat the fact that you had nothing to do with the letter. In my opinion he is trying to use his kids right now in an effort to make you look bad. Don't react just be your usual self and if anything be more polite and sweet than usual. I know you can do this, its your normal disposition. All of this is going to take time to work everything out. Don't rush in and try to fix anything. All it will do is add gas to the fire.

Be patient, I don't pray much but I have been lately for you. You didn't do anything to deserve this and I wish it would all die the unnatural death it deserves. Hang in there I'm rooting for you.

duk

Thank you, Dukhunter....

Last night was the equipment pass-outs for the whole team. MOW was there with her son and the child.

My son noticed. His father said nothing to him regarding it. Isn't that cowardly?

Why do you suppose that I am the only one who thinks H coaching MOW's son is wrong? Not even her H stopped it.

Maybe I am the one who is wrong here?

Thank you for your time and prayers. This hurts.

Eibrab

Eibrab,

Don't you ever say something so defeatist and self depreciating ever again. In no way are you wrong about any of this. The aliens have landed and are running amok.

Basically they are rationalizing to beat the band. It's like what a friend who is in AA told me once. If you have an Elephant in your living room you have two choices. The first is to throw a table cloth over him and put flowers on his back and pretend he belongs there. The other option is to handle the situation and get that damn Elephant the heck out of your home. Sounds like your hubby, the OW, and her husband have already found the table cloth and the flowers will be there soon.

I've never seen you do this to yourself before. I am really worried about you now. I am thinking you may have to put up some boundaries that you will enforce with your H. Otherwise you are going to drive yourself crazy. Sit back and read all that Paradise has watched and let slide and decide how much you can handle. Do it for yourself. Don't sit idle and let it fester if it's past what you can handle. Everyone's level of tolerance is different, find yours and define it for H now!

Please keep posting you have me very concerned for your well being right now. I want to hear from you regularly so I don't freak out. Please also consider an IC to help you thru this. Mine is a godsend. When I feel I no longer need him I am going to fire him as an IC and become a close friend instead.

Dukhunter...

I truly hate to muddy PB's thread with all of this. It makes me sad.

He blew tonight.

He asked me son (10) if he'd like to get to know his brother...without discussing it with me. My son told me.

I kind of flipped, but held it together and confronted him a sane way. It went well, until my daughter entered the room and came to my defense.

He went nuts. It was scarey. By the time he stormed out, he had the whole thing twisted into how horrible I am...a manipulative, underhanded, liar and he is the only one that I can't baffle.

Screamed at the kids and told them he doesn't love me or want me there..I am only with him to "keep the peace."

This is very new to me. I'm very sad..but also a bit strong. He is SO wrong here.

He will never see it.

Eibrab

Eibrab,


I have been looking at the screen for a good ten minutes not sure what to say.

Socializing on a family basis given the circumstance is disrespectful, counterproductive and just beyond the pale awkward for absolutely everyone. You might as well slice open all the emotional wounds with a wire cutter.

That someone else in your community would raise the issue, doesn't surprise me. Even these days, a married man fathering a child to another man's wife in a small town is a mess. Surely he has to expect that it would draw criticism.

I have trouble imagining that the MOW’s husband wants his son to be coached by a man who had an affair with his wife and is the biological father of one of his other children. It is disrespectful. Even the MOW’s son can’t be too keen on the idea. Would you want to be coached by your Mom’s former illicit lover?

The whole situation is a mess.

Eibrab, your husband can’t seriously believe, that you would write that kind of letter. He is choosing to become irrationally angry with you because he can’t really face this mess. If you get steamed up and blame everyone else then part of your brain can ignore reality. The hitch is that another part of your brain can’t.

I have been sitting here trying to imagine what I would feel like being in his shoes. I don’t envy him at all. He has failed himself and pretty much everyone else in his life. The fact that the OC has health issues makes it even worse.

He will feel some measure of guilt forever. There is no simple way to make things right.

In practical terms, other than financial support there is no constructive remedy that he can offer to mend the wrong that he co-contributed to in terms of the OC and the MOW’s marriage and family life.

There are many constructive practical things that he can do to mend the wrong he did to you and his own family.

Moving would be at the top of my list. There has to be true no contact in place for forgiveness to begin.

Everyone in this situation needs to heal and it is impossible without forgiveness. Forgiveness is the only answer here - that will render a positive outcome -no matter what eventually unfolds.

He has not forgiven himself. He clearly still is hurting. You have not fully forgiven him. You are still hurting too. Both of you are in pain. We withdraw from pain. He is withdrawing from the reality of the situation by trying to pretend it can be ignored. That everything is normal. This isn’t the kind of situation that you can ignore. It is a long, long way from normal.

If you could truly forgive him, it would help him forgive himself. There would be hope and the mess wouldn’t be so overwhelming that he just wants to close his eyes to it. True no contact is the key.

I think you both need help with this.

Why not book into one of the marriage weekend seminars with the Harleys. There is one on August 25 and 26th in San Francisco. Arrange to have a family member step in and take care of the kids. You could go a few days earlier and enjoy the city together. No one has to know why you decided to take a trip. It can be a spur of the moment getaway!

Sending you a still quiet space – to just breathe – just be and remember how wonderful every moment of life can be – if we let it. ….


PB

P.S.

I just read your last post, it made my stomach churn. I hate the picture it paints in my mind. Everyone mad. Everyone hurt. For what?

Be strong. You are strong.

Remember that hurtful words are only words. Your husband has loved you most of his life. You have loved him most of your life. All this mess is new..and temporary if you can work through it.

Oddly it is the people we love the most that we often hurt the most. He would not act like that to anyone else. He is not so intensely connected to anyone else.

All families have issues because everyone on the planet has issues. It is just we know those people in our families best and as a consequence we are closest to their issues. The perfect family is an illusion, there aren't any.

Your best course of action is to calmly go about the business at hand. Be unfailing polite: uncritical; calm; practical; smoothly considerate. Do whatever you need to chill for yourself.

He does not merit being taken seriously right now. If we took seriously every man who acts like an [censored]. Our planet would be much worse off.

Book the weekend in San Francisco, go alone or with your daughter if need be. She can hang out while you attend the two day seminar. You need a break, it will help to be in a room with other people with similar problems who are working on them. You will get excellent guidance when you need it most.

When we change ourselves we change our relationships. You are facing a situation which would cave even the most self confident of us. You need to build up your personal reserve of determination, confidence, self appreciation and self love to deal with this mess.

Eibrab,

I am so sorry to hear all of this. I don't know if there is anything I could say to make it any better. Please for your own sake seek some professional help in all of this. An hour with a professional will help more than all of my feeble efforts combined for an eternity.

Keep your head up you are doing all the right things and you know it in your heart. Your children need a stable parent and their home to be in during all of this. Let him be the one to run out of your home. Stick to your guns and be the anchor you always have been for the kids. Hearing that your daughter came to your defense warmed my heart and I'm sure it did the same to yours. She knows what is happening. Your son will be confused and scared, comfort him, he needs you. Most of all do whatever you feel necessary to protect yourslf and to care for yourself in all of this. I haven't been to church in two years and tomorrow I am going to change that for you. You could use some devine intervention right now.

Be kind to yourself you deserve it!

duk

Duk - Your post actually made me cry out loud.

((( Eibrab ))) Bless you, bless you, bless you... God help our Angel Eibrab in her hour of need. Guide her through this to the other side -- and fast !! Bring her peace Dear God.

Eibrab, please be comforted by the very fact that you have such wise friends here, who are generous with their wisdom.

As PB mentioned a while back, about 9/11, that it brought out love in people on that black day - so too does this board. From all the unmeasureable pain and suffering due to the affairs here - comes love and friendship. Such love and friendship that you would not have known if not for coming to these boards. Eibrab ~~

We love you !!!

Carnation (sorry, I am in and out alot of late... out again.. sending my best)

Hey Eibrab,

I am sitting at my desk, thinking about you... worrying about you. Please tell us, you are having a better day than yesterday and that the big Kalook has cooled down and is more mindful..

I am sending him focused thoughts on manners, polite consideration and mature respect for those he loves...



PB

Paradise, Dukhunter and Carnation..

It is a better day a bit... though the problems are about.

It is better because I made it better. I sent him an email telling him that when he was through with his tantrum, that I'm very willing to talk... until then, he should bite my backside real hard.

I almost told him to kiss it..but that would have inferred some gentle sentiment, eh?

I like the name Kalook, btw.. it fits him...and he is starting to sheepishly come around as if he has done nothing.. but he's done something - what I must figure out.

You are all so important to me... the prayers and good thoughts have got to help me move a mountain right now.. or at least a big Kalook.

Eibrab