I met with my MC last night and she recommended coming to this site <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I told her I already had and I have been posting on the forums. Anyway, to my question (she suggested I ask).

When the WS is going through withdrawal, was he/she doing anything to try to improve the M or was the WS in their own little world deep in withdrawal? If they were doing something, what were they doing?

Ws' do not go into recovery. WS' withdrawal is phony at best.

Xws' have withdrawal symptoms and false recovery is very likely.

Based on the above, it is critical the BS have a plan. That is where a good MC will come in. One who understands MB principals will help you as a BS develope a strong plan(s) to help the BS survive. During the implementation of this plan, you will learn how to determine how to evaluate if he is a Ws, xws or spouse. Then you as the BS will learn how to react to each character so you as the BS feel safe (not loved) but safe. 'Safety' comes b4 love.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid ~ I understand that I need to look out for me and have a plan, I was just curious what most WS's did while they were going through withdrawal.

2dogmom, my H went through a terrible withdrawal. To answer your question, I don't think he was doing too much to improve our M. He felt huge remorse. He was using every ounce of his effort not to call OW. He told me he thought of calling her every minute of every day. Little did I know that after her last day of working for him, after 2 weeks he succumbed, and saw her once and did call her for 2 more weeks. His guilt got to him and he told me. I think I did ask him questions at the time and had some major LB fests. Mostly I Plan Aed my butt off. I can truthfully say I look back at that period of withdrawal and can't believe I went through that.

Now for the hopeful part. My H thought he was soooo in-love. Now he looks back and sees OW as the needy, dysfunctional bi*** that she was. Hope that helps some. CV

"When the WS is going through withdrawal, was he/she doing anything to try to improve the M or was the WS in their own little world deep in withdrawal?"

Obviously, the biggest problem in the M is the A. If a WS is actively trying to end the A, then they are significantly contributing to making the M better.

Withdrawing from an A hurts. Stopping contact with OP is a real battle. I tried several times and failed.

For my H, withdrawal was a very painful time for him..like grieving a loss. He talks of realizing that the A was an addiction that he had to get over with yet he continued to crave her.

I was able to understand it by comparing it to my own smoking cessation. I knew smoking was bad for me for many years before I stopped but didn't think I could kick the habit. Eventually I came up with a PLAN to stop and did but the withdrawal phase was awful...

So it's not so much that he wants the A partner but the FEELING/THE HIGH that the A gave to him. He has to learn to do without her. Once the A drug and memories of the HIGH are completely out of his system, he will be your H again....

I agree…

Very true…and this is also the reason why Dr Harley says that it is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it…

Because of the intense pain and grief of withdrawal, Dr Harley sometimes suggest to spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes, because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful to the WS is easily wasted until they start feeling better.

Also read the following by Dr Harley:

It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care.

2dogmom, your H is trying to cope with the withdrawal and associated grief, pain, depression & anxiety the best he can, so obviously it will be very difficult for him on this stage to contribute to the M the way you want him to... But hopefully he will start to do that as soon as the most intense and worse withdrawal symptoms wears off... But it may take a while.

(((2dogmom)))

Hugs to you... I know this is a very difficult time for you as well... But I promise it WILL get better...for both you and your H. Just give it time & patience.

Prayers to you...
Suzet