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Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
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Krissee Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2002
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Our son who is 18 1/2 is still living at home and going to university this fall. We know that he occasionally goes through periods where he will smoke pot. My H and I do not smoke pot - we just don't have any use for it in our lives. Our son does not do other drugs and stays clean for many months at a time. He will go through 2 week periods where he will smoke then clean again for 5 months.

I want to be able to leave him alone and let him deal with this himself because he is now a legal adult. Our son is doing well at school, has an excellent part time job and is motivated at doing well. He does have an anxiety problem and does not want to be on medication. He is trying to cope on his own.

My H doesn't tolerate pot smoking at all but thinks drinking alcohol is ok. he doesn't want our son living in our house if he is going to continue to smoke pot on occasion. He doesn't tolerate this behaviour at all.

I talked with my son about this and said he is dealing with it and his life is getting much better and his clean times are becoming longer and longer in duration. I am torn because my H told me I have to choose between my son and him. I don't understand why.

I think our son is doing well compared to how he was. Two years ago he was heavily medicated on SSRI's (dangerous prescription), suicidal, terribly depressed and a heavy pot user.

We have gone for family counselling and the counsellors have told us that our son needs a safe place to be while he cleans up his life. We are providing this for him but it is a long process with progess that is very apparent but it's a long road. However, my H's and my tolerances are different. I am willing to provide a safe home for him while he continues to clean up his life. My H thinks because he is 18 he either cleans up entirely or has to move out.

This is ripping our marriage apart. Can anyone help?

Joined: Apr 1999
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C
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C
Joined: Apr 1999
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My H thinks because he is 18 he either cleans up entirely or has to move out.
I agree.
He is an adult. It's your house, your rules.
He is clean for 5-6 months and then starts again? Your "safe house" doesn't do much for him.
There is a difference between helping him & enabling him.

Is he now or has he been in individual counseling?


Prayers & God Bless!
Chris
Joined: Mar 2001
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“””He does have an anxiety problem and does not want to be on medication. He is trying to cope on his own.”””

Reliance on mind-altering legal drugs in not ‘trying to cope’, it’s the beginning of progression that may lead to addiction. Your son, with his anxiety problems, is at an extremely high risk for becoming an addict, reliant on weed or other narcotics to escape from his anxiety.

”””He doesn't tolerate this behavior at all.”””

Well, if your son is leaving soon, I’d suggest he go through one of those 5 month clean times…. I mean seriously, he’s leaving this fall, that’s like a month away, if he can do 5 months, he ought to be able to do 1 standing on his head.

”””counselors have told us that our son needs a safe place to be while he cleans up his life.”””

Oh and he does but he also needs to be accountable for his actions. If he can’t follow a simple rule at home, what happens to him when faced with the reality of the big world? That not being able to follow rules leads to jail or other bad places.

“””We are providing this for him but it is a long process with progress that is very apparent but it's a long road.”””

If you live in a city of average size, look up NA (Narcotics Anonymous), find out with they have an Open Meeting night and take your son to a meeting. Let him draw first hand from the experience, strength, and hope of others who have found a way to overcome their anxieties and other problems without the use of drugs.

“””I am willing to provide a safe home for him while he continues to clean up his life.”””

I would be willing to do the same if your son was cleaning up his life BUT if he’s using he’s doing the exact opposite of cleaning up his life. I’m not saying to throw your son out on the streets but hold him accountable for his actions. Make a condition that if he is to continue to live in your home that he’ll have to obey the rules. If he gets busted for possession, let him sit in jail as a result of his actions. Safety is one thing, enabling harmful behaviors is quite another.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
Joined: Nov 2004
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My W lived through having an alcoholic and prescription drug user Mom, and alcoholic grandmother. There is a difficulty in her trying to not let our 23 yr. old son "hit bottom" because she thinks that she could have done more to prevent the choices of her mom leading to her own premature and miserable death... and wants to cushion the fall for our son.

I developed a saying early in marriage that a newly wed couple should move 500 miles from either in-law. I'm not so sure that the same distance might not be healthy in both directions - for the young adults.

Facilitating is easy to do.

Your Husband's ultimatum is quite extreme - Choosing your son or him? Is this all of the story? What about the significance of your relationship together?

Sounds like the "love bank accounts are running low on both sides - as a matter of fact, in the red and the ultimatum is the "notice" from the "bank" of the possibility of closing the "account" due to a continued overdrawn account.

c

Joined: Aug 2005
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I have a teenager also.

I agree with "c" on the "Sounds like the "love bank accounts are running low on both sides."

You were not clear on how your husband found out about the occasional pot use. Does your son go and broadcast it? Most teens are secretive about this and would not think to do it at home.

If your son smoked at home--that's a NO-NO in my book, simply because pot is illegal and if we as parents condone any illegal activity we are looking for trouble.

You said your husband has no problem with alchohol consumption. Your son is 18. In my state that would be illegal also--using, not just buying the stuff under age 21.

I think most teens experiment with some kind of illicit behavior sooner or later, but it sounds like your's has other, more serious issues due to his anxiety. I'm no authority on pot and I haven't used any myself for maybe close to 30 years, but I can remember that it sometimes had a tendency to make me feel a little more anxious than I already was. Are you concerned that this could contribute to his problem?

How did your son end up with anxiety issues to begin with? Was this someting he experienced through out childhood or did he mess-up his neuro-transmitters with illegal drugs as a teenager? If that is the case, pot might contribute to his problem more significantly than in another child.

Maybe it is a good time for your son to try living on his own. Is there a dorm or apartment share available? Just because he is not under your roof, does not necessarily mean he is not in a safe place. Dorms have rules about drugs and alchohol and offer a safe environment while giving kids an opportunity to make that transition from childhood to adulthood. Sometimes teens are more responsive to an "outside" authority than parental. If money is a problem, have your son take out a loan.

It might be easier to work on your marriage without him at home.

I am the mother of a seventeen year old boy who is very social, has lots of friends and loves a good time. I certainly empathize with your concerns for your son's safety and wellbeing.

Last year close to 10,000 young adults ages 16-25 died in auto accidents. Drug and alchohol consumption contributed to many. Now compare that number to the 1,658 Americans who died in Iraq since the war started. I hate the war, I just used it to put the number in perspective. We have moms marching against the war--maybe we should be marching against teen drivers!


Me: 56
H: 61
DD: 13 and hormonal
DS: 20

Oldest son died 1994 @ age 8

Happily married 30+ years
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 1,780
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(((Krissee))

Just want you to know that you are not alone. I have almost an identical story. Unless the people giving you opinions have lived through it, they really can't speak on the subject. There is emotion attached, not just statistics and values and right from wrong. This is a tough one! Very tough!

My heart to yours!


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