I have not talked to WH since he got arrested last Wednesday night. Today I went and spoke to the DA for about two hours about four (yes, you heard right) cases that are going on in her court with the OW and WH. This is not including the divorce. Yikes. I have her on my side, which is a good thing. She has nothing to do with divorce or child custody matters, but she can help make sure WH gets held accountable for his criminal actions. I have a case management meeting on the 29th (first divorce meeting), and WH was subpoenaed to attend. It is the meeting where the CMO (case management officer) from the family division sees if the children’s needs are being met and sets up temporary custody and visitation if necessary. We will see if he actually shows up. Then on the 31st I was subpoenaed by the DA to appear in front of the Grand Jury for WHs two felony cases.

I have talked ABOUT WH with the DA and with Chris (who was witness to OWs threats on the 17th). I have not attempted to contact WH since the arrests. I found out he and the OW lost their jobs, and are not living at the campground anymore. I have no idea where he is living, and haven’t tried to find out. I got mail for him today and brought it to his parents house, and left it on the porch. I have to admit that I looked in WHs window (right on the porch) and saw that all of his stuff was still there, but had been untouched since I was there with him on the 16th. The bed had not been slept in (laundry still on it). Yes, I did look but I didn't let it take me over. I haven’t called his parents or tried to find him. This is unusual for me. Normally I would have called him, sent him a letter to his parents house and tried to explain how I will always love him and wish he would have NC with OW, blah blah blah. Pointless. He thinks I am the worst person alive, evil, vindictive...you name it. Because 'I had him arrested' and 'I lost his job'. Now he hasn't actually said these things to me, but I could bet a million dollars he thinks them. Of course he didn't get arrested because he broke the law, nah.

Anyhow, it has been a rather peaceful week. I will admit that a single night has not gone by without me waking up several times a night dreaming of WH. Dreams of the OW finding us together at a store and flipping out, dreams of me trying to talk to him about why he should leave the OW, etc. Maybe TMI, but I still even have sexual dreams of him...the old him.

I think of him, but less. I have been spending more time with the kids, and more time on school. The kids started at a new daycare this week, and we have been trying to get into a good schedule with the new routine. I have to miss enough school with court, I can't afford to miss studying because I am chasing WH or because I am trying to call him and convince him that he needs to change.
I posted about DD2 having a hard night the other night crying for WH. She did that again last night but I was able to calm her down easier. I talked to her daycare provider about this, and she said that in DD2s room they have a very large number of Dads that drop off and pick up their kids. I think seeing other Dads may remind my daughter of her Dad. She didn't cry for him tonight, which was a relief.

Anyhow I know I am rambling on and on. The POINT of this post was this. I think I am finally feeling some CALM of Plan B....WAY TO DARN LATE but I think to myself if I had been able to REALLY do this earlier on, how much nicer life would have been. Even when I had NC with WH before I spent my day trying to track his every move. It is pathetic. I miss him, I miss us, but it is gone.

Danielle

It is never too late for peace, Dani.

I am glad that you are seeing the light. Getting your WH and the OW out of your life on a daily basis and controlling yourself in terms of obsessing are HUGE improvements, and you should be proud. You are coming out of the craziness and the peace keeps looking better and better. Your kids will calm down too. Hugs to you Dani!

Sounds like you're doing great.

FF, Anne, A.M. Thank you.

I have been trying my darndest to focus on the kids and school and keep WH out of my mind.

I got my exam back from Business Law today and I got a 98. My teacher always tells people who are struggling to come to me. He knows how to boost my ego <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He is an attorney and explains to me that he struggled in school, and some people 'just get it' and I am one of those people. He keeps suggesting that I get a P/T job at a law office or court while I am going to school. In reality, I would love to. The problem arises in that I get help from the state while I am full time student (health care, books, childcare and food stamps) I couldn't make enough to cover those costs, and if I make money I won't be eligible for help. Catch 22. Believe me, I could use a job, not only for the experience but financially. It isn't getting easier, it is getting worse. I am actually looking for a new, less expensive place to live.

I got a voice mail on my cell phone yesterday. "This is Jen from SunCom. I am looking for Adam *****. We received your application for employment on May 25th and have a technician opening that our manager would like to meet with you about. Please call me at ******* to discuss this opportunity" I wanted to call back and say 'don't call here for him, he is in jail' Of course, he isn't but GRRR.... Calling my darn cell phone. I like him being
Unemployed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Advice needed...
I have not talked to MIL since WH got arrested. I am sure she is unhappy with me to say the least. She owes me $210 from damages that I had to repair to an ATV that her youngest son rolled over. I know this may seem minor and just leave it be...but I really need the money. To put it blunt, I need the money to live right now... I paid to repair it about a month ago and she said she would take care of it and give me the money because she knew that he was responsible.
I want to ask when she thinks she can pay me...but I don't want to get into it with her about WH.
How is this: Call MIL. Say 'Hi, I just wanted to call because I am trying to find out if you have any idea when you might be able to pay me back the money for the ATV damages.' If she says 'Well I don't plan to now that you had WH arrested' just say 'okay, bye' If she says 'What the heck happened last week with WH' I would say 'I don't want to get into details but he got arrested for breaking the law' And say I have to go. If she says 'I can pay you Friday' Say 'okay great, can you mail it or should I pick it up?'
What do you all think is the best way to handle this?
Thanks!
Danielle

Can you write her a nice polite note reminding her?

I could..
Do you think that would be the best way to handle it?
I just thought the phone was more direct and could quicker get things said.

What would this note say?

Danielle

A note allows you to be detached and calm. Be polite, distant and just ask when she plans to pay you back. You may want to mention something about her grandchildren needing somethings.

How about a phone call that says, "Hey MIL, just thought I'd catch you up a bit...(kid news), (school news), (life news), (money problems). If you had that money from the ATV repair it would SURE help out right now, I'm pretty poor right now." Off to come see her and have a visit with the kids. She knows she has to stay on your good side to continue visits with grandkids... If she doesn't, well then....tell her this situation is very hurtful, your H is with an OW and you are trying to get your life back together. You would hope she would support you. If she sounds like she is not going to support you, you can quickly get off the phone and say, "I need to go right now."

Just call and talk, not for long, and she may want to continue visiting, or seeing the grandkids... we'll see...

This is hard.

My kids love it at my MILs house. They ask for her often. However, she has been placing a lot of blame on me lately. Every time I talk to her it seems like she has 10 questions and they all are 'are you out to get WH' or 'he says you call him when he is with OW, why would you do that’ GRRR. Then she just says 'well I can't make heads or tails of this. SO DON'T TRY!

I don't want to be this Mom who doesn't let their kids see the in-laws because of my WHs actions, but I also don't want to be accused of 'sending him to jail' when he is the one breaking the law. I think she is somewhat intimidated that I have a decent relationship with the DA and court assistants, she thinks that *I* must have set his bail conditions to not have contact with the OW. OKay, I don't have the power of a judge. She is quite a paranoid (her term is 'private') person and always has been. She has said many times 'I wanted this to be a neutral place for you the kids and WH, and then all the sudden the police were always here, and it wasn't neutral at all. Well, DON'T BLAME ME!
Okay, off my soap box.

I am honestly not even sure if she WANTS me to bring the kids to visit since WH got arrested. I haven’t talked to her, and I am sure she has his side of the story, so I dunno.
Help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sure she can. She just doesn't like want to.

Dani, this is the oldest game in the book. It's called "blame the victim." WH isn't available or mentally accessible -- and it's her son -- so she blames you.

Otherwise blame might fall -- where? Genetics? Childhood problems and parenting? family background? Ohhhhhh...don't go there!

Maybe just bat your eyes, look stupid, and say, "I don't know! They say he broke the law! They say he shouted at the judge!"

This is irrelevant. How you want to be seen is irrelevant.

What IS relevant is protection and safety for yourself and your children.

Sometimes, this includes protecting your children from harmful and/or destructive family members.

This includes anyone with influence over your children .... who may persuade your children that wrong behavior is "OK" if done by a family member.

Your priority is your children ... not anyone's opinion of you.

pick something to be concerned/worried about

A. How you look/appear to others

B. The safety and wellbeing and moral standards of your children

Point taken Pep...

Are you saying that I should not iniciate a visit with my MIL and children?

Or are you saying that a visit would be okay, but when making the decision don't put 'how I appear/look to others' into consideration?

Dani,

What if you just addressed the "real" issue: tell MIL, "I know what has happened to WH is not your fault. I know you are grieving over this. I know you tried to be the best mother you could."

Don't let her deflect the issue onto you. Keep addressing MIL's fears and insecurities.

Might be a bad idea...but I wondered.

Are you saying that I should not iniciate a visit with my MIL and children?

ONLY visit ~anyone~ if you think that visit is going to be GOOD for your children and in no way destructive or harmful for them ... or for YOU !

I have steam coming from my ears....

Today the kids were acting wild this morning so I decided to take them to the railroad villiage. http://www.railwayvillage.org/
It is this pretty cool place that has a train that you can go for a ride on, and a petty zoo. It has an actual railway time villiage set up. The kids and I had fun. It was one town past MILs and the kids reconized where we were and asked to go see Mae Me (MIL). I thought about it, and then thought about the 4-wheeler money and also how she always says she wants to see the kids and I don't bring them by enough. So I called her on my cell phone (kids were unaware) and my FIL answered. Dialog below, as much as I can remember, leaving out a lot I am sure.

FIL: Hello
ME: Hello. How are you guys doing toight? Are you busy?
FIL: WHY?
ME: Well,umm, we are on the way home from the railway villiage and I called to see if you would be interested in me bringing the kids by for a short visit since we are in the area.
FIL: Well, umm your going to have to talk to Patty (MIL) about that.
MIL: Hello.
Me: Hello. How are you doing? (then I repeated what I had just said to FIL)
MIL: (she got all studdery and like lost for words) Well I am doing ok. The latest events have made us very angry and obviously you can't see eye to eye with us and we can't all get along. We would love to see the grandkids. Could you leave them here for awhile?
Me: Wow. I didn't realize that anything had happened between you and I, or that we couldn't get along. I guess I missed something. Since you are angry I can try back later. I don't feel that leaving the kids there alone would be he best option.
MIL: Well I am sure you didn't miss anything and you are well aware that you took Adam out at the knees by having him arrested and making him loose his job. I am sure you understand that. We can't believe you are trying to ruin his life. Are you trying to say that we don't care about the kids or that they wouldn't be safe here?
Me: I didn't say that you don't care about the kids. If I didn't think you cared about then then I wouldn't have called. I just don't feel comfortable leaving them anywhere, under these circumstances. I would hope you would respect that.
Mil: Well we can't look you in the eye right now. You called him and you could predict what Marcia (OW) would say if she was there, you set him up. Now he has no job.
Me: I am sure you are not aware of the entire story or situation that happened.. I am sorry that your building your opinion on half of a story. Also, I called him on his cell phone, the phone he had callled me on 30 minutes prior. Also, he lost his joob because of a scam he had pulled on a customer prior to his arrest. They were already going to loose their jobs, without the arrest.
Mil: That isn't what the paper said.
Me: The police log listed his arrest, and stated that he was arrested for being in contact with the OW. His job is a seperate issue, and the paper says nothing about his job. He knew he was breaking the law, and he could get arrested. I am not happy that he broke the law either. To protect myself, I had to report a violation of the protect order that both Adam and I placed on Marcia because she made a threatening statement to me and it was witnessed. They arrested her with Adam. They were both violating their bail conditions. I am not happy he was breaking the law.
Mil: You have a way of glazing everything over so it looks like your innocent. Oh the wicked webs we weave when we decieve.
Me: Well I am really sorry you feel this way. I have done nothing to decieve anyone. I am upset about the latest events, as I have been for a long time.
Mil: Well we bought that fax machine off of you on Tuesday when you KNEW you were going to make him loose his job on Thursday. We didn't have the money for that.
Me: Do you seriously think that? I am sorry. You asked to buy my fax from me on Tuesday for WH to use for work. I agreed. You said WH needed it and he would pay you back on Friday. I had no idea he would loose his job. I have no control over what he does at work, or how lawful it is.
Mil: That isn't what the paper says.
Me: Well I called because the kids wanted to see you and because I was trying to talk to you about the ATV damages, but I can see that now is a bad time.
Mil: Welll I would love to see the kids and I hope they can sleep over soon, but alone. I have Saturday off. We love them. Your saying this is not a safe place and I can't believe it. And I am not responsible for the 4-wheeler damages. You told Nick (her son) not to worry about it a long time ago.
Me: First, the kids would like to see you, but them being there alone is not an option right now, especially since we are not able to even talk peacefully.
Second, Nick rolled the 4-wheeler. You agreed to pay for the damanges. When we told him not to worry about it we meant keep cryinig and stressing out. He was crying for the entire day and I said 'stop worrying about it' because his crying was not helping and I felt bad. You and I BOTH knew that I did not mean to not fix it. I paid for the repairs under the assumption that you were too reemburse me.
MIL: Well I need to go.
Me: I will talk to you later.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

P.S. She is going to be REAL happy when he goes to jail after his trial.
Although, she did say that she can garuntee that I have nothing to worry about if I am worried about seeing OW or WH anytime soon. So..will he show up tomorrow at the divorce meeting? Will he show up to his felony hearing? We will see.

Okay, I know I shouldn't have 'gotten into it' with MIL, but she is so out of it and I just feel like I have to explain myself because she is so damn wrong.

'I took him out at the knees?'
WTF?
He took his own damn self out.

I was very calm while I was talking to her. I know I don't have the wording right but I am sure you get the idea.
She said she was talking to me because FIL would not have been as nice.
What the ****** did I do?

I set him up apparently.. or soo they think.

She kept saying how I turn things so they fit my needs and ******.
She has HIS STORY.
She doesn't have the police report, statements from anyone, she hasn't talked to his work to find out why he was fired. She believes whatever he says apparently.
She thinks I am going to let the kids sleep there or be there alone, and she is damn wrong.
ESPECIALLY since she can't even talk to me like an adult.
She expect me to listen to her say she can't look at me and then I just leave my kids there? GRRR.

She kept saying 'that isn't what the paper says
Well HERE is what the paper says.
"On Aug. 17, Deputy Mark Bridgham arrested Adam Johns, 24, of Wiscasset for violation of bail conditions. Johns violated his bail conditions by being with Marcia Cicci, 33, transient. Cicci was also arrested for violation of bail conditions by being with Johns. She was also arrested for violation of a harassment order. This was the result of her threatening a female subject, after the order was placed on her. Both were booked into the Lincoln County Jail."
SHOW ME where it says he lost his job because I set him up. OR where it says I called HER cell phone. Please...because I don't see it.

Also, if she wants to get real nasty I can take her to small claims court for the 4-wheeler repairs. Her son damaged the property. She is such a *****.
I asked her bluntly 'When will you have the money for the repairs' She said 'well Dave (FIL) and I don't think we are going to pay because we shouldn't have to. You told Nick not to worry about it.
Me'Should I calll back Monday to see if you know when you will have the money?

I am all done playing nice to this lady. Somehow I am the bad guy...yea ok

Dani,

Sue them in small claims court for the damages. As the parents of a minor, they are responsible for any property damage he causes. It would appear the apple does not fall far from the tree.

Regards,

BB

sorry b/b, I respectfully disagree.

Danielle,

I think you have enough on your plate legally without engaging your inlaws in small claims court.

This is a huge LB, in mvho.

Fine, flame me, but you need to stay away from any more legal battles, or you will indeed look like the bad guy.

Cut your losses on the atv. Your MIL gave you the answer, and you won't get your money without a fight. It's just not worth it.

I know you need the money but look to God to provide for you Danni, you need to let go of that. You have enough on your plate for now, and it's pretty darn full.

As for the kids and grandparents, just let it slide for now. And let them call to see the children. If they do and are nice it is all good.

I am sorry that they do not see the whole picture, and it must be very hard to see this happening to their son.

However, you must step back and decide what is healthiest for you and your children right now. You must move on, and not try to justify yourself. The situation speaks for itself.

What you are doing legally with WS and ow is legit, and justified, but it should be enough. Don't go any futher. As I said, you have a lot on your plate.

Let it rest with the inlaws for awhile. You need a break. Keep focusing on kids/school and life.

At least you found out which way the wind is blowing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there Dani,

Love in Christ,
Miss M