My husband ended his EA 6 months ago, but we recently found out that the OW has left her husband. I have asked him if he has been tempted to contact her, and he admits that he has wondered if she is okay.

However, I have also found out that he has had some conversations with others that know her and what she might be going through. These people know that she was his former secretary, so give him as many details as he might want. He is the one that told me about these conversations, although I know he is not going into as much detail as he gets.

And perhaps not coincidentally, he has been angrier than he was before and seems more in withdrawal than ever.

As I am trying not to LB, I have not told him that his conversations are, in my mind, unhealthy, because he would view that as controlling. Am I over-reacting to an understandable curiosity (I have to admit that I'm nosy too)?

Sue

Me: 44
Him: 47
Married: 24 years, two teenage boys
(also posted this on Plan A/B, but realized there was not much traffic there)

Sue, you have raised a very good question, IMO. My FWH's A was with my former best friend (FBF), whose DS was also in H's Scout patrol. After the NC email, and FOW/FBF didn't show up for Scouts as she said she was going to continue to do, H wanted to contact her as a Scout leader, to find out her status ~ this is the procedure he followed with all the other boys he's had in the past who have stopped coming to Scouts and not notified the Troop.

Our MC asked H if there wasn't someone else also qualified to make that same phone call. There was. MC told H that that really wasn't his place anymore, because of the history between him and FOW/FBF. I guess that would be my thought about your H ~ it is not his place to worry about her anymore. Boundaries were crossed between the two of them, that cannot be undone. They can never be "just friends." He either needs to be in your M, taking your feelings into consideration (as well as his own), or out ~ but being clear either way.

What we talked about in MC quite a bit was that "buzz" feeling that people in an A feel towards each other ~ that attraction that makes them feel so infatuated. Once my H decided to work on the M, our MC said that during chance encounters (we live in a small community), my H needed to check in with himself about that "buzz" feeling. He said rarely does the "buzz" go away between A partners, which is why Harley's strict NC is so pivotal to recovery.

Your H didn't really answer your question when you asked him how hearing about her made him feel. He said, "I worry about her." Well, that is fine, but . . . that was not your question. And there should be no wrong answer. If he is feeling the "buzz," he just needs to be honest about it. Knowing he won't be verbally attacked by you, he will be more willing to share that information. He needs to be honest with HIMself about it. Just because he doesn't WANT to feel a certain way toward her, doesn't mean he isn't feeling a certain way. I have found that just acknowledging the feelings goes a long way towards changing them.

Also, the more of his time and energy he invests in finding info about her, the less time and energy he is investing in your M recovery. And that is ripping both of you off. You cannot exist in a triangle. The more he lingers between thoughts of her, and M recovery with you, the longer the healing process will take.

Have you thought about finding a MC to help guide you through some of these issues?

Spidey

At this time he says he is not ready for marriage counseling; he thinks we should work on our own issues first. I am in IC, but he has not found anyone he feels comfortable with.

But, he is getting more comfortable talking about it, and the fact that I'm not LB should help. And, I am less defensive and angry about it now, so I am able to listen without lashing back. I've also been able to listen now to his statements about him not loving me anymore, and that he thinks divorce is a viable option. When he told me last week that he plans to continue sleeping in our guest room, I was able to keep my mouth shut...but later I went to the bedroom, cried and wrote nasty things in my journal.

I think I'll encourage him to continue talking, and not to be critical when he does, but ask him what feelings he is experiencing...and not LB when he mentions something hurtful. Another positive thing is that he read the chapter in "Torn Asunder" on emotional affairs. Three months ago he wouldn't even have admitted to that; he would only call it an "inappropriate friendship."

Someone else on this site said that you need to look for trends and small steps forward, and as I write this I need to realize that if he is sharing this with me, that that is a step forward, versus getting freaked out that he is still thinking about her.

Thanks for the advice!

Sue