So, some of you have probably been wondering where the heck I've been. I posted a month ago and said how I was going to try things over again with my H after attempting to go NC with the OM. Well, that didn't work out very well. My H left for sea again last month, and I fell back into the old pattern. I am/was in love, and all of you would say I'm in the "fog", which maybe I am. Well, my H came back from his trip a few days ago, and he could tell how unhappy I was. He asked me yesterday if I was still in love with him, and I started to cry, and I told him no. Well, now that we opened that door, I figured I would tell him the whole story. I told him about the neighbor and how we've been having a relationship while he's been gone. His reaction was what I expected--what did I expect? Him to say, "Go ahead, i hope you're happy??" Jesus...We spent the whole night crying, talking, crying somemore, and trying to recount all of the good things in our relationship. He kept saying, "So you're just going to throw it all away like that?" That made me think - why am I risking EVERYTHING, a man that I truly love and who loves me (my H) for this man that I barely know??? What is wrong with me? It's true, the things that the OM and I have done have been great - I've always had a great time with him, but I read that is typical of affairs. Bottom line is this - I spent the night crying with my H, trying to remember why I love him so much. And the funny thing is that I DO rememeber why...I just hope it isn't too late. All of you were right - it is better to live in the truth (as much as it hurts) than to live in a lie. I couldn't do this forever, and I am SO ashamed of my actions. Where do I go from here? Do we try to rebuild? Do we separate? Do we find counceling? I know this...if we stay together - we're DEFINETLY moving...as much as it will suck...Anyway, I'm rambling now. I'll post more when my head is clear..if that ever happens.

Jaded, what you are feeling for the OM, what we call the "fog," feels very real to you right now. The long and short of it is that your body has created a chemical soup that produces these strong feelings for OM. Your R with your H is a long-term M, where the feelings become deeper, but not quite as "exciting." Which, BTW, is where your feelings would eventually get if you stayed with OM. Your body is not designed to keep up the infatuation feelings for very long (about 9 months). Of course, having a "secret" relationship, an A, helps keep those feelings going, which is why A's are so very addicting.

So, first off, congrats on having the GUTS to come clean, and the RESPECT of your H to be honest with him. Your D-day sounds just like mine, when my H spilled the beans he was having an A with my Former Best Friend. I think it is a very good sign, that even through your chemical soup, you can still recognize that your feelings for your H are not gone, maybe just buried a bit. Many WS don't recognize this until NC has been established.

Second, you are here, being honest, seeking guidance for something you feel ill-prepared to handle on your own ~ that means you are being honest with yourself. Because you are ill-equipped, right now, to deal with this. Your brain is a mess, things are chaotic with your H and your M, and you are facing a lot at once ~ losing OM, the hard task of rebuilding your M (which seems overwhelming, but once you get started it gets easier), the possibility of moving.


Where do you go from here? Get some books. "Surviving an Affair" by Harley is good. "Torn Assunder" by Carder is good. In both, you will see yourself, and you will begin to glimpse what your H is also going through. The sooner you can both become compassionate about where you are both at, the better, IMO. You are hurting (which he will have a hard time understanding at first), and he is hurting. This is a time when you can both lash out and hurt back, or you can choose to bond together and heal and rebuild. You both will go through some pretty predictable behaviors, and knowledge is power.

Once you have both agreed to rebuild and heal, do not separate. It is VERY hard to rebuild a M when separated. A good MC is also invaluable ~ worth the $$ you put into it. M's can heal without MC, but IMVHO, it speeds up the process considerably. And why stay in an ooky place longer than absolutely necessary???

By blowing the lid off your own A, IMO, you are looking to end the chaos. You have outed yourself. People normally do this because they don't want to continue on the path they are on, but cannot get off on their own. You have now made it infinately harder to sneak around on your H. And if the OM is your neighbor . . . well, I can't imagine he is going to be feeling very safe right now. Is he M'd? If so, his BW should be told.

Based on your actions alone, I would say you want to rebuild your M with your H because you love him. Stick here with us, and you have better than a fighting chance.

How are things going now, Jaded? How is your H holding up? How are you holding up?

Spidey

Jaded,

I am so happy you are back, and so happy you decided to tell your husband. When you left you were pretty sure you couldn't ever tell him, and I am SO proud of you for coming clean - it took great courage, and as scary as things seem right now - believe it or not - NOW you marriage stands a chance.

Now, the ball is in your husbands court. You need to tell him you want this marriage if you truly do, and you need to start some of the things found on the recovery guide for Wayward Wives which is found here

Moving will definately be a must for you guys if you want to be successful in recovery - as NC has to stay otherwise you will be tempeted and never make the progress you need to make personally.

You sound alot like me on my D-day. I wanted out of my affair, but didn't know how. But at the time I remembered great things about OM and me, but also realized how much I still lovd my H, and that my H was who I really wanted, and couldn't understand why I didn't see it before - why now, why on d-day?

You know why? Because my H didn't kick me out. He still loved me...and it all of a sudden made me surface out of my fog long enough to see my love for him coming back.

Withdrawel from your OM may take awhile and may be especially hard since he is next door. Can you and H get away for a bit? Do you have a cabin, or a friends you can stay at? The longer withdrawel will be for you the more you see OM - even by accident as you both get out of your cars.

Your head will clear - as long as you remain in nc. And you can most certainly rebuild your marriage if your husband wants that. I would perhaps bring him the MB books, and suggest that he calls the Harleys with you and start from there - from what I hear Steve Harley is a great marriage coach. Surviving An Affair by the harleys and Torn Asunder are both books that would be great for you guys to start with.

Welcome back Jaded, and honestly - I am so proud of you for telling your husband and doing the right thing. And I know it was hard, but sadly the hard parts are yet to come - recovery is NOT easy...but it is WELL worth it. Your marriage will come out different, yet better, more fulfilling...but you gotta get through the rough times first.

bump

Hey guys,
This weekend was an emotional rollercoaster as you can imagine. There were a lot of tears, a few laughs from the memories we've shared, but mostly tears. My H lost his mind(understandably) Thursday and Friday and by Saturday, we had come to terms with what was going on and going to happen. He told me I had to end the A with the neighbor and that I couldn't have contact with him ever. I understood these terms, but it was hard for me to accept. Even when I was faced with losing everything I have with my H, I still didn't and don't want to end my relationship with the OM. My H actually understood and said he would start the divorce paperwork because he couldn't force me to live two separate lives. I know what most of you are thinking - that I'm probably making a big mistake, but in fact, it feels fine to me...I'm not afraid of facing the world without him - heck, he's been gone more than half of our 4 year relationship and I think that's most of what drove me apart from him. We did a lot of "soul searching", dating back to when we started seeing each other, the things that attracted us to each other and things like that. I could recall the feelings, but I couldn't force myself to feel that way about him anymore because I don't. My H went and talked to the OM very reasonably, which suprised both of us. We even went out to dinner last night! I must say that my H has handled this very reasonably and rationally. He keeps saying, "How am I supposed to act?" He had his moments where he called me bad things but I expected that to a certain extent. Anyway, I'm rambling now, so I'll end this post. I am happy to say that I see a new life ahead of me, and I'm excited about it. Even if things don't work out with the OM and I, I know I'll be fine. Time does amazing things to people. I worry about my H, but I know he'll get over it, meet someone better than me and live his life out happier than he could imagine.
Anyway, that's my story...I do feel liberated.

Jaded in order for time to do amazing things too people in a positive way there have to be actions. If I was to spend 5 years not doing anything will I get anywhere? No because there was no action. Time pays people that do actions.

Ya him being away can do a lot damage but so do affairs. Affairs do a lot of damage really fast.

In order for your husband to get over it he is going to have to forgive, not everyone forgives.

What are the chances you think that the relationship you have with the otherman will actually last?

Like dr.phil always says you have to earn your way out of a relationship, or you will face regrets.

How have you earned your way out of your marriage?

Jade,

Your relationship with the OM has been built on a fantasy, and it will not last. And you may one day regret leaving your husband and not giving your marriage an honest go at repairing what was broken.

You married your husband for a reason, and a good reason. You can have that back with a bit of work from both of you.

I doubt your husband really understands, and is probably trying to remain civil as possible and give you what you want. His anger will come.

I am disappointed that marriage vows don't mean much to you. What if you marry the OM and things don't go as you had planned, he starts travelling. Will it be convinient to find someone else and start over?

I am not saying leaving your husband is wrong, I am saying your cavalier attitude about your marriage and how you are going about leaving it is something to look at and realize you may repeat the same mistakes again and again....

Jaded, at least you are not lying to your BH now. That , at least, is to your credit.

I also kept asking Squid " what am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to act ?".

Your H is pretty messed up right now. Your "liberation" has come at a very heavy price.

BTW you have something remaining in common with your H. D-day was probably the worst day in HIS life ever too.