Hello,
I am new here. I would have never dreamt in a million years that I would be posting this type of message. I found
out a week ago that my husband was having an affair of a
few months. I guess the affair was on the rocks and when I
finally put it together they broke up. My husband still wants to be friends with OW and won't go to counseling. Last
night after I told him of all my findings and stopping at
a bar he had been at, he told me that I was not going to
be following him around. The affair was over( he says )...I told him
that I have no trust in him and if these were his conditions
then we can get a divorce. Where do I go from here ?

Thanks
Chatabout

I hear that. Every time we discuss my WW's cell phone bill or email, I get scolded and told that she won't submit to any investigations. She complains that I don't trust her. I simply say that, opening her life up to inspection is the only way that she can rebuild the trust that she destroyed. She left me yesterday, and you have to let them go. If he wants a divorce he can get always get one. It takes time to do so, and his expensive, hard work, so DON'T PANIC! The "We can get divorced" is a threat, but if he was ready for that, he would do it, and there would be no stopping him. Be calm and confident, and read James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". Also the advice here is mostly great. Read, Read, Read.

Having been through this on and off for more than 5 years, I know exactly how you feel. (The man version, anyway.)

Don't panic. You will get through this. Pain hurts, but you CAN take whatever happens. Trust me, you that you are stronger than you know.

Chatabout,
I second the advice on Dr. Dobson and would add "When the One You Love Wants to Leave"... found both at my library.
I memorized the Dr. Dobson, I swear.

Your H does not get to be friends with OW. Do not let him justify to you that that would be okay. These affairs (where ANY contact continues) have a very very high relapse rate, if it has indeed ended at this point. (?)

How long have you been married? Been through any other addictions with him (porn, alcohol, gambling, drugs, spending?) Affairs are addictions.

You are second guessing yourself because he is making you feel like you are being the nagging suspicious wife who doesn't trust him. Da*n skippy!

"People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing." - Dr. Phil

Please read on here about the policy of joint agreement (POJA) and radical honesty. A separation may be looming for you if he can't END the relationship with OW and focus on the M.

How does he know the OW? From work, school? Neighbor, friend?

If you want to save your M, you may need to proceed with that separation. That's what it took for us anyway. Do you have children with him?