I saw this forum and hope I can get some help. I am so desperate. My story is somewhat long. I have been married for 4 1/2 years, together for 7. I had a 6 month affair with a coworker that came out in April of 2004. We attempted to work on things for 6 months, but although I stopped seeing her, I found I needed time to get over her, so I did not put much effort forth in the marriage. My W moved out in Oct. of 2004 and we have been separated for about 1 year. We have been talking and going out almost once a week, sometimes two. She has always had difficulty expressing her feelings. We attempted counseling for 6 months ending in June. We went out to dinner the other night and she stated she has given it a lot of thought and needs to move on (Divorce). She did state that I have changed more than she ever expected in the past year, she loves me with all of her heart and enjoys hanging out with me, but just doesn't have those feelings for me more than a friend. I continue to express unconditional love to her, give her her space, not be pushy or demanding and we have not argued over this past year. I did tell her I prefer that our marriage works out, but I respect her decision and will do whatever makes her happy. We both cried. She states that she wants to keep my last name and we have plans for the next 3 weekends to do things, that she stil lwants to do. Is there any hopes that she will change her mind. I don't feel that I can ask her to not go through with it and reconsider because I feel I will be trying to control her. Over the past 3-4 months we do hold hands give each other kisses and are very happy around each other. She just does not feel she can move past certain things. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dannyinneed

First, there isn't a lot of traffic here on the weekends, so that is why you aren't getting many responses. Welcome to Marriage Builders. This is the best place to be for people who are trying to improve, or repair, their relationships.

Please read the other areas of this website, in particular Plan A & Plan B , and Surviving Infidelity

There is still a lot of hope for you, but you are making a mistake by making this statement:

Fight for your marriage! Read up on everything on this site, NOT just these forums. What did you think about the counselor you saw - was he/she pro-marriage? Why did you stop going to sessions? Good marriage counseling will take longer than 6 months.

The fact that your wife noticed the change in your behavior is a BIG plus. You can use that to your advantage because it shows your determination to improve. So read, read, read everything you can here at MB.

"She did state that I have changed more than she ever expected in the past year, she loves me with all of her heart and enjoys hanging out with me, but just doesn't have those feelings for me more than a friend."

She loves you with all her heart, but she doesn't have those feelings for you anymore. Which is it? If she were thinking straight, she'd be saying that you're her best friend and she loves you with all her heart and whe'd want to do whatever it takes to save her marriage to you.

Could be "I love you with all my heart" part of this is her just trying to not body slam you. This is the trap of the separation. They are never appopriate for anything but a short-term cooling off period of a few weeks. In times of stress, the marital bond begins to break down after a few weeks of separation. Women aren't like men. Once the bond has been broken, they are finished.

I agree with avondale. Read up on this sight and not just the forums. In fact, minimize your use of the forums, coming to them only to ask questions. One of the biggest mistakes people make is spending too much time here and not enough working on themselves and their marriages.

"I did tell her I prefer that our marriage works out, but I respect her decision and will do whatever makes her happy."

Get this kind of thinking out of your mind right now. It is self-defeating and it can only lead to the divorce you don't want. Of course you want her to be happy and a divorce will not make her happy. And, Danny, you know you do not really repect her dcision, nor should you.

Is there hope? Well, as avondale says, she has seen the positive changes in you, so yes, there's hope. Her biggest issue with you right now is probably a lack of trust. It takes time and a lot of effort on your part to rebuild this after the betrayal of an affair.

I also agree about marital therapy. I would add that you should find a marital therapist, not a counellor. Councellors can only councel and often are not qualified to effectively deal with the psychology. It does often take more than six months, but you should see some results after so long a period. A good therapist can usually get a couple back on the road to a good relationsip in a dozen or less sessions it they couple is completely engaged in the process. Infidelity takes more time, owing to the trust issues it raises.

Thank you for your input. Over the past year, i have read every book available and even bout an online book called Stop your divorce by Mr. McDonald. One of the reasons I chose to say i will give her the divorce is that one issue had been me looking out for my needs and not hers, not having unconditional love. The therapist we saw pathologized us and was no pro anything except for each of us to grow. He spent 1/2 the sessions in silence, I think waiting for us to talk. We both agreed he was not right. I don't think she is being insincere when she says "I love you". She was highly emotional and cried herself. She did state one factor was that she has been healthier and happier in the past year than she has been for the past several years. Other than the affair, there was no major control, no abuse, no real drag out fighting. We just bickered all the time in the last year or so. Ironically, when I came home after the affair came out in April of 2004 she wrote me a letter saying she wanted to get to know her husband again and she recognized that needs were not being met. But, 4 months later when I had not shown much change, she moved out and we don't discuss the letter. How am I suppose to ask her tp continue working on it. BTW, the hard part of all this is I am a mental health therapist myself and have many friends who are psychologists and have been supportive and trying to guide me. A lot of them are Christian based, although i am not, and state that the more I push to change her mind, the more she will run. I am so very lost. I know I created all this, but I guess I am one of the few men, That I know of, that has no interest in affairs anymore and realize my mistake. In fact, I see the OW once every few weeks for about 5 minutes at work and feel nothing but contempt for her. Well, ironicall, I am leaving in about 2 hours to pick W up to go to the ball game. I will continue to read this website and thank you.

Hello again. We went to a football game today and had a wonderful time. She held my hand, but I asked if it would be ok. I fed her nachos with cheese and she enjoyed them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> We talked and had a good time. At the end of the day I said I know she plans to go through wit hthe divorce and I understand, but I will continue to self improve in hopes that she will like what she sees enough to spend more times exploring the possiblities. Since I am addicted to talking, thinking,analyzing and socializing, I wrote 10 statements down on notecards and read it to her so i didnt overwhelm her. she thought that was funny. She asked what I wanted to do next weekend for my birthday and hugged me goodbye. She did not respond to my statments at that time. I'm not sure what the next step is. I did tell her I understood that she is an extreme introvert and I'm the opposite and I now know she needs alone to to refuel while I am the opposite. Any thoughts would be aprpeciated.

Divorce is expensive and hurts everyone. Marriagebuilders offers intense weekend seminars to help marriages.
Can you ask her to give the marriage one last chance by attending a workshop? The next one is:
September 30th thru October 1st
Sheraton Park Ridge Hotel and Conference Center
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

They are offered around the country, but if you could get to one soon, you could reap the benefits. The cost isn't very high if you equate it to the cost of 8-10 marriage counselor sessions (and a lifetime of happiness).

This could put you on the right path and would be a great birthday present for you!

I could ask, but it seems that she is dead set on the divorce. I asked a few weeks ago to go to another therapist, a female one that lives by her to be more convienent, but she said no. She states that she has been happier and healthier in the past year and just doesn't have those feelings for me anymore. On Sunday when we were eating lunch before the game she talked about an old friend of mine who I havent talked to for 7 months due to other issues told her once the divorce went through he would be the first to "do" her. My wife works with and is friends with his wife...which is how I met him. I couldnt be friends with someone who continues to have affairs and doesnt see the pain it causes. The funny thing is we had a great time Sunday and I asked if I could hold her hand and she said yes. I just don't know how to end next Sunday since we will not have any more plans together and she is set on the divorce.