I posted this on another forum but it probably belongs here.

I don't know where to begin. I suppose I should start with I have been married for a long time. I love my husband very much but I don't think he feels the same. I hate that I am turning to strangers instead of him with this, but he just blows me off when I try to talk to him about it.

Not too long ago I was what most men would consider a desirable woman. That was before I got breast cancer and had to have disfiguring surgery. I feel like I have lost everything, not just my breast but also my husbands desire for me. He used to give me sensual massages and he couldn't get near me without it becoming very obvious that he was in the mood. Sorry if that's TMI. Now he is more interested in porn than he is in me. What really hurts though is that he doesn't seem to care if that hurts me. He has to know that all I have to do is check his folders to see what he has downloaded and that it's pretty obvious when he is only having sex with me because he's just watched other people having it on the net.

What used to be a very good sex life has turned into get on, get done, get off. I don't know how to get it back or if that's even possible. I can't really blame him for not looking at me the way he used to, I don't look the same though I am working on that and having reconstructive surgeries. I just wish that his feelings for me went deeper than that, they don't.

I should also tell you that he has cheated on me. That was before my medical problems. I do think that if the opportunity presents itself he will again. He seems to have a need for something that I apparently can't or just haven't provided, if I knew what it was I would try my best to give it to him. Honestly though I'm beginning to think that it doesn't matter what I do, I can't make him happy unless I can become someone else entirely.

Dear anotherwhatever,

(((((HUGS)))))

I’m SO sorry for your pain and the situation you find yourself in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Please know than NO woman deserves to be rejected by her husband because of the loss of her breast(s)…this is SO unfair… Please know that there is nothing wrong with you and the fact that you have lost a breast, make you not inferior to any other woman at all... You are still the same person inside – a caring, loving and worthy woman and wife who deserves support and love from her H…especially during and after such an traumatic event. I understand this must have been a traumatic experience for your H as well, but what he have done is SO, SO wrong and inconsiderate towards you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Anotherwhatever, I don’t have advice for you right now, your situation seems above my knowledge etc., but I do want you to know that someone cares and will pray for you… I hope wise ones will jump in soon to give you advice. I'm very glad you have found this website for help, support and advice.

As far as your H's betrayal is concerned, underneath are some good information for you to read (just click on the links):

Plan A and Plan B

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

Bob's Newly Betrayed Spouse MB Toolkit

Blessings,
Suzet

Is there any possibility that he is just frightened about your breast cancer? Men deal with things completely different than women.

anotherwhatever,

Boy, this is going to be complicated. We have the fact that he has had an affair. We have your illness affecting you very deeply. We have his use of porn. We have his apparent lack of attraction.

ARe they all related? I don't think so.

I would like for you to do some reading here. One of the big things on this site is "radical honesty" and the Policy of Joint Agreement. Another big thing is the concept of the love bank, and LOVE BUSTERS. I think you are committing a big love buster called the disrespectful judgement, DJ for short. You are assuming that you know what your H is thinking and reacting to it. It is the most deadly of the love busters because it is a reaction against something that MAY not exist.

So first consider what Believer asked you. Do you think he is afraid of hurting you? Do you think he is afraid he could lose you? Do you think he fears that you have changed in some very deep way?

STart talking to him about these things and get a sense of his thinking.

Next, let's touch on his Affair. Does he know that you know? If so, how did the two of you handle the recovery of the marriage? What did you learn about your marriage? What has he learned? Were there changes made?

Next let me address your fear that you cannot make him happy. In certain ways this is NOT your job. It is his. Your job is to help facilitate him being happy and he is to do the same for you.

My first thought when reading your post is that the sexiest thing in most men's eyes is NOT a great pair of breasts (although men will look), or a great pair of legs or a great pair of whatever. It is enthusiasm. Men are attracted to many things, but they are drawn to enthusiasm, women who smile, laugh, and enjoy life. You of all people should appreicate how fragile life is.

So if you want my opinion start to truely enjoy your life, smile, have the reconstructive surgery IF you want it. Don't be afraid of what you went through but be proud of the way you have handled it. Anotherwhatever, your screen name alone says you have not decided to make the most of your life, it is time. I am guessing this will profoundly affect your H.

If you want sex with him go for it. Don't hide your scars, let him touch them (if it won't hurt you), touch him, enjoy him savor him. I offer you this for several reasons one is that it will change your whole approach to things. Second for most men porn is a fantasy, it is NOT what they want other than the fantasy of being with a woman that is enthusiastic and wants them. Yes, there are the images, but for men the images have far different means than most women realize. YOU are very likely part of that image.

I tell you this because if I am right what he wants and needs is to feel you are enthusiastic about being with him. You are not going to leave him.

Have you two been to counseling concerning his A's, your cancer, and your marriage? If not you two should consider it.

So I have dumped a lot of things on you for your consideration. I hope you read the articles here. I hope you been begin to address the distinct issues in your marriage, and I hope I have at least caused you to consider ENJOYING your life.

I look forward to hearing from you again, and I know you will be recieving a lot more responses. You have reason for optimism, seize them.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you justlearning. You have given me a lot to think about..

"I think you are committing a big love buster called the disrespectful judgement, DJ for short. You are assuming that you know what your H is thinking and reacting to it" You are right, he hates it when I assume to know what he is thinking.

So,

You have a good place to start. Start talking to the man and find out what he is thinking. I read a bit of your other post and it seems he is very afraid of losing you when he found out about the cancer. That suggests that while all of the issues mentioned might be there the order and severity of them may not be what you think.

I have a feeling based on very little frankly, that communications...honest communications about what what both of you fear, want, and need could go a long way to turning this around. We'll see as you post more and we get more feed back from you.

God Bless,

JL

Hello another;

Saw your post earlier today and I remembered seeing a documentary on this subject. I don't know if this is the exact show I saw but here is a link anyway to something that appears similiar off the PBS website.

http://www.shoppbs.org/product/index.jsp?productId=1405258

The show I saw at least partially discussed how difficult surviving breast cancer is on marriages and family. Women discussed how they personally had to battle with the loss of their breast(s), their identity as a woman without breast(s), and the effects on their sexuality and partner. Even if this isn't the same show I saw it may be good enough to get your husband's attention as a TV show is easier to watch than trying to get him in counseling or to read a book on the subject.

I am sorry for your pain. As a man and having no experience with breast cancer I can not assume to know anything about your experience but I strongly encourage you to seek independent counseling with an experienced practitioner as well as marital counseling to discuss the effects of your sitiuation on your marriage. I am certain there are a ton of books available on this exact subject. You've probably seen some but keep investigating and delving deeper into yourself and the effects of this circumstance on your life.

Also, the show I remembered talked specifically with husbands as well and addressed their fears/anxieties and coping skills in relation to the loss of their wive's breast(s). What the posters said above is dead-on with the husbands feelings I heard on that show. They feared losing their wives to the cancer and feared sexual contact for a variety of reasons as well. You got some awesome advice and a lot to think about.

Many blessings, ACT OUT