Well, I had a nice break from thinking about all of this for a while. Just got back from a hafla. That's a bellydance party: lots of food, music, jingly costumes and dance performances. My troupe's teacher/leader and her family are moving across the country. It was so much fun and sad at the same time. I will really miss her. We've known each other for over 4 years, and she's a great friend.

On the plus side, I reconnected with a couple of very supportive gals. One's a single mom I used to work with, the other is a counselor who works at the nonprofit I used to volunteer for. In fact, that's how I met the bellydance teacher and got started dancing to begin with! Although I didn't do much dancing tonight. Even though I was dressed for the occasion, I had a very sleepy and peaceful DD to carry around.

I still don't know if H is planning to come over tomorrow to see DD and work in the yard or not. I haven't heard from him. I'm guessing he's probably at a bar somewhere getting drunk. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when he found I filed on him before he could do it to me.

And be proud of me... I didn't drive by OW's apartment tonight.

Good job!

So are you thinking about a Plan B to go along with the D paperwork?

After about 2 weeks of an inadvertant Plan B because of the mutual restraining order, H asked if he could write me a letter, I said okay (I can't remember how he asked me this, I think he started making little calls asking if it was okay to call me) - he wrote me a couple letters telling me he had broken it off with OW, etc. and then I wrote him a letter back (3 pages, single spaced) that I thought projected all kinds of hope, but he didn't take it that way; he only saw the hurt & distance in my tone and it made him have a complete breakdown for 2-3 days, and then we talked and began the reconciliation process. And that was about 4-6 weeks of him living at his sister's house before he moved home.

And we're in recovery now, so just an idea that things work differently different ways for us all, but the Plan B is great for making him realize what life will be like without you. When he talks about you splitting as friends for DD sake and stuff like that, is he really thinking about you remarrying? I think not. He has no idea if your new H will want him coming around "as a friend" etc... if he's so hel]bent on divorce, then the thought of you remarrying should not bother him. Right? He should be happy for you, because he doesn't have any feelings for your anyway, right? Yeah, sure. He needs a major wake up call.

And heaven knows I'm of course not talking about you dating or anything crazy right now. I'm talking about him realizing that's EVENTUALLY what will happen. I told my WH that I planned to follow Dr. Dobson's advice and not date for 2 years after our split. The implication? But then I will.

I'm rambling, just observations...

MSA

I have been thinking about writing that letter and even took a look at Spacecase's thread of examples. I don't know how I'd be able to pull it off, since we don't really have anyone who could act as a go-between regarding DD and financial stuff. I think it would probably be easier if DD was older, so we could just use daycare as pick up and drop off as I've seen others on the board do. But that won't work b/c she's a baby and needs to nurse. We have friends, sure, but no one who'd be able to get that involved. My neighbors might, but they're going to moving away soon.

To be honest, WH is so far gone I don't think it would have much of an impact. Could something like be used against me in court? And is there such a thing as a modified Plan B when you don't have any friends/family who can act as a go-between? Any input would be great, thanks.

In other news, WH hasn't called or anything about coming over today to see her or work in the yard. I wonder if I'll actually hear from him? No big deal if I don't. To me, it would just prove that his "regardless of how this ends" line is a crock when the shoe is on the other foot.

Did the paperwork have a temporary parenting plan in it? That should eliminate the need for communications.

That is my theory, if I file before he does, the finances and parenting plan will all be taken care of, so plan B would not be a problem.

No, it didn't. It has a request for a temporary hearing to ask the judge for temp sole legal/physical custody, control of the marital residence, and to prevent either of us from selling marital property. That could be two weeks or more from now, b/c the lawyers will be meeting on Friday to get started on the case. I talked to our pediatrician to see what kind of arrangement she recommended for DD's developmental age, and she recommended 1 evening during the week and some time every other weekend. She said every other night is confusing and disruptive to DD's routine. I will call the office on Monday and ask for that in writing. I think I'm going to propose one evening during the week and one afternoon on the weekend while this is going on. It's more than I'd be required to do, and it'll be the same amount of time WH spends with her now, but compressed into 2 days instead of 4. But I need to talk to the attorney first. I don't know how something like that would affect a permanent ruling. I also don't want anyone to think I'm denying him access to DD, which could look bad to a judge.

OK, I have a dilemma here. H said Wednesday night that he planned to come over today to work in the yard and visit DD. I'm pretty sure he said he would call to make arrangements on the time. Here it is, 4:30 and I haven't heard from him yet.

The dilemma is, do I call him or just let it go? He must be really ticked about me filing before he did. Any input, please!

don't call him you are sending mixed messages, it would come across as needy, and you have just had him served. The ball is in his court now. Just note down that fact that he didn't turn up for future reference if required

H did end up showing up. He called around 6:40 and said, "hey. I had a previous engagement that ran long. I'm on my way." He showed up 10 minutes later, just as DD was wrapping up dinner.

I haven't said anything to him, other than hello and "I'll be upstairs if you need me." I didn't think he'd show up at all. I'm a little freaked out. And kind of miffed that he called right before he showed up instead of calling earlier in the day. Grrr. I'm trying to act as normally as possible but am peeved and dying to know what the previous engagement was. I won't say a word, though.

I love ya girl...

but what plan are you in? a or b?

let's get a plan and work it and stick to it...let's see some real results.

you can do this! even if you're divorcing ok?

many have made it back from the brink ok?

I had posted a while ago today about plans... can you still do something resembling a B when you don't have a go between? We don't have anyone who could act as in intermediary for matters relating to DD. And I'm still not sure about writing a plan B letter. I feel like I should ask my attorney about it before I do it.

Has anyone else out there done a successful plan B after filing for divorce? If so, where's the thread and please give me some guidance!

Thanks!

AAck. H left about 30 minutes ago, and I've been crying to Mom on the phone ever since.

As he was leaving, he said, "See you Monday. Do you want to set a time now or talk about it later?"

I replied with, "I talked to DD's pediatrician to see what kind of schedule she recommends for DD's age, and she recommends an evening during the week and some time on the weekend. Dr. says every other night is too disruptive for DD."

He looked down for what seemed like forever and then looked up and said, "Well, if you want to change the way things are, that's one of the things I'm not supposed to talk about." I just said, "OK, bye." and he left.

I had asked my atty about what to say to him regarding custody/visitation, and I followed his advice. What do you think H meant? Things?? I could tell he is very angry at having his control taken away.

Now I'm going to go cry in the bathtub for a while... The reality of this travesty is hitting me like a ton of bricks.

Well, I think H knows about the locks being changed. He called twice in a row while DD and I were at church this morning and didn't leave a message. I'm guessing he came to the house, couldn't get in, and is mad. Haven't heard from him again.

So much for being on good terms "regardless how this ends."

{{{SadMommy}}}

He is angry. You knew he would be. He is irritated that he couldn't get into the house while you were gone. Reality is hitting him in the face and the control is gone, like you said.

He will get over it.......eventually.

I hope this does wake him up and he sees the seriousness of the sitch. And I am proud of you for standing firm with him regarding DD. You need to do what's best for her.

I am sorry you were feeling so badly last night. Sometimes I go through the day, pretending like this whole thing is not happening. But at the end of the day, when I can't pretend any longer I wonder how in the world something like this happened to such a normal person like me.

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Just know with time you will get better, you will get stronger and you will get through this. I am thankful everyday for my DS. You've got DD and you will always will.

Kim

Thanks, Kim. What you said is exactly how I feel... I can pretend all day that this isn't happening, like H is just out of town for the weekend or late coming home from work. But then at night when it's quiet and I'm alone, I wondering how something this awful could happen to such a normal family. Never dreamed we would be in this situation.

Everybody always says I'm such a strong person, but I'm not so sure about that right now.

I had called H when we got out of church saying, "I noticed you called. We're out of church now if you need to talk to us." He called back a couple hours later saying he didn't call me in the first place. I have a hard time believing that, since his is the only number that comes up "withheld" on my cell phone caller ID. Whatever. I know he's mad, and he's just going to have to deal with it.

On the plus side, DD and I had a wonderful day. Went to church this morning, came home and played, then went driving around to check out new neighborhoods for when we have to move. The idea of having our own place without H there to poo-poo my decorating ideas is a little appealing, I have to admit. Something positive, I guess, although a very, very tiny positive.

We also ended up driving out to a big regional flea market with some friends to see the sights. Wow... they sold everything from produce to old nintendo games to live chickens. Very interesting, and DD had a great time taking in all the sights.

That's a good step! So, you don't think you will be able to stay where you are now?

I did a bit of re-decorating today.....Moved some furniture around, etc. It was nice not to have WH here - I got to put things exactly where I wanted them. It will be fun for you too!!

Kim

Nope... the mortgage is about 2x what I can afford, and I've already check in doing a refi. Plus, it's a little large for just me and DD. Too much house/yard for one grown-up to maintain. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I really hate to have to move, though, b/c we had this house built. Picked out everything down to the knobs on the cabinets. It is my dream house. Plus, my dad helped us so much with it... helped H build the front porch railing, the arbor out back, and the office. He died suddenly in Jan. 04. So many memories here.... but then again, I think it would be too hard to stay here b/c of those memories.

Man, this sux... not only do I have to lose my best friend and love of my life, but my dog AND my home, too?? This whole mess is just too much to think about, especially during the fricking holidays. It's hard not to be depressed.

Sounds like the house was/is pretty special. So sorry to hear about your Dad too. I know it will be harder to leave the house since it has reminders of him. Look at ditech.com as another possibility for refi.

On the other hand, it might feel much better to leave that house and start fresh if the D does go through. It will also show WH that you are moving on which will be especially effective if you choose to do a Plan B.

I am glad you had a good day though.

Kim

Thanks, kim.

You know, it's kinda funny how everyone here says "if" the divorce goes through. I really wish I could be hopeful about it, but I honestly do not see WH coming to his senses. I think the fact that I filed and what I filed for, along with H enjoying his newfound "freedom," has definitely pushed the marriage over the point of no return. While I hope and pray for the contrary, I really believe it's over. I never thought this would happen.

SM -

This will sound like a broken record to you. Plan B, Plan B, Plan B.

Please try it along with the D - there are those here who can help you with a Plan for that.

I know you feel like you are doing/have done all that you can & perhaps right now you just don't feel like doing anything more. That if he wants a D, then so be it.

Plan B can give you that extra feeling of knowing that you went one more step on this. The Harley's really have a solid plan here. Then you can look back & know that you did even more to save your M.

Don't worry right now with your feeling that you don't think you can trust him again. Deal with that later.

Kim

Whoa...I am in a movie, I swear. Got an anonymous phone call last night from someone close to both of them, and this person gave me a lot of info that I have to talk to my attorney about ASAP. I'm not going to go into it here, but needless to say, it will be helpful to the case.

I truly appreciate everyone's encouragement for saving the M. However, with what I know now, I don't think I want to save it anymore. I think this goes beyond the fog. H is not the man I thought I was, and right now, I don't think he ever really was.