I remember the rush of emotion when I made my decision back then. Just an FYI, you may feel great now...but you may later on feel yourself questioning yourself and your decision and have a little crash...there are many wonderful people on here that will be there for you if you ever go through that. It's quite normal...we are humans with a heart.

I think you handled yourself quite well...WOW!!

newlywed,

You don't know me and probably haven't seen me here since I haven't been around much in a few months.

I see so much of my own situation in what you are writing. I admit to not reading all of your history but when I read young, two affairs, newly wed..... honey, I gotta tell you my heart just broke for you.

I'm 33. I married at 21. My ex cheated on me after we were engaged, before we were married. I excused it to his age, we got past it. (I was also pregnant so that added to my incentive to stay).

Fast forward 15 months. We have a wonderful baby. My husband adores me and we are making a pretty good life for two young parents. He gets deployed.

Cheats 5 times while he's gone.

Damn, he's sorry though. Very sorry. And I found out two weeks after he left that I'm pregnant again. Those affairs happened over the 8 months he was gone (deployed) and I was home with our baby and pregnant.

He comes home. I find out. He begs and pleads and is REALLY SORRY this time. He KNOWS he has a problem but can't stand the thought of not having me or our children. He'll spend the rest of his life proving how much he loves us and regrets his choices.

Ok. Fast forward 8 years.

Yep. He cheats again with a 22 year old girl he is deployed with for a few months. We have two beautiful girls and a brand new baby.

That's 7 affairs right?

Nope. He'd been cheating without my knowing it during those 7 "good" years.

This type of character issue doesn't usually resolve itself. And the people who have this type of character flaw are GREAT at apologies and persuading you to believe them. That ability (in my belief) is part of what allows them to justify their own behaviour to themselves.

11 years later, countless tears and 3 little shattered children later.... I realized what I should have had the strength to do a long time ago.

I looked in the mirror and realized I deserved better.

My children deserved better.

It's the hardest thing I ever did.

But it is usually the tough things in life that are worth fighting for.

Good luck.

FIM

Keep feeling good. I know it's because you've got your power back. It sucks that happened this way and I'm so sorry it worked out like this. But now that you have this power, use it wisely as Yoda would say. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sadie -


I am a little worried about this. I've been on this roller coaster for seven months now. I'm tired. I know that I'll miss him and question things. I think it's gonna be really different this time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I will say this only once to you. Don't kill the messenger here.

IF you take this man back and reenter a life with him knowing what you know now, you 100% deserve EVERYTHING that comes your way in the future with him. IT IS ALL ON YOU !!!There will in reality be no futher betrayals, because in taking him back, you are "getting exactly what you are paying for". You know what you are getting. Men like him RARELY, if ever change.

Good luck....sadly, I think you will need it when you take him back after he professes his profound sorrow yet again.....just ask K72 how this works......"but this time will be different"...........will become your life's calling card.

Once again, please don't shoot the messenger....read the message.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FIM - How awful! I can't believe you went through this. Thank you for sharing this.

I am scared that this might be my future if I stick around. The boy needs help...he has too many outstanding issues from his childhood. He asked me this morning to schedule a MC appointment for next week. It may be a little too late. But why is it that I want to do this in order to help him?...that perhaps he'll start seeing an IC to work through his issues.

He has called me five times today...I only spoke to him 2 of those times and kept the call very short. I think he's catching on. Usually he's the one who won't answer the phone or cuts me off. And now he's not enjoying this. And I'm not being vengeful ... I really don't want to talk to him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Lemonman - Thank you for your straightforward bluntness. I know that by staying with him I'll be setting myself up to be in this situation again. I know that I need to walk away from this relationship. I love him so much...he has so much potential....he was so wonderful before. But that guy is gone... This is really hard.

If ever I was worried about someone it would be you. Those words above made me shiver. SO much "potential"........ugggh.....Newleywed......just remember the word REALITY.........when you feel "weak" please reread the posts here and think R-E-A-L-I-T-Y...Cut the losses, get up above sea level...get this chaos out of your life.

Don't take him back and accept a life destined for despair, betrayal, and pain. You are worth more than that. Men like your WH..............DON'T CHANGE...........THEY DON'T.

Lem

"But why is it that I want to do this in order to help him?...that perhaps he'll start seeing an IC to work through his issues."

That's called co-dependency. I suggest you leave. He is a big boy. If he decides to change, he can arrange counseling on his own. You need to stay out of it.

If he went to counseling, and showed you (while living separately for at least a year) permanent changes, then you could think about staying married.

[quote
If he went to counseling, and showed you (while living separately for at least a year) permanent changes, then you could think about staying married. [/quote]

And I would EMPHASIZE the word "think" here.......

Truthfully, and I hope I am wrong, but all of the vibes I am getting from you tell me that you are just a few phone calls, a tearful cry, and promise of "counseling" from taking him back......and "trying"...and no doubt thinking to yourslef deep down inside...."I know this time it will be different". I hate to be an A-hole and say "I told you so", but I will say it in advance, so I don't seem so harsh...

Remember....."don't kill the messenger"...........

Lem

I really don't know at this point LM. I'm definitely getting my own place. And I'm not rushing back into this R. I feel that I can walk away and be fine with my decision. I hear what you and everyone else are telling me. And honestly, I've known since a month after the first D-day that this relationship would not recover. It's just allowing the realization to sink in that is so hard.

In understand all that.....it is hard, and you will have setbacks and struggle, but you can overcome this and propser....

As an aside, I see that you have been with the Wayward for over5 years, how many affairs do you think he has had in that span..........?(hint...it is MORE than 2).

Don't fail to take that into account.

Lem

LM- I know you think that but I don't. Call me naieve. But we went through a lot of crap in our lives right before our wedding. Things that typical engaged/newlywed couples usually don't and should never have to deal with. I carry some guilt with me for contributing to his frustrations that led him astray.

Lemonman is so right, newlywed.

Look at it this way too. I said his "potential" was so great too.

You know what, my house has potential, my yard has potential. In the end, even I have potential.

You know why all of those things have potential.

Because I can change them. I can have a direct impact on them.

You can not change your husband.

He only has as much potential as he gives himself.

FIM

I think you definitely need at the very least some time away from all this.
You can't make good decisions with all this mess going on around you.

Maybe you could tell him you won't even think about MC until he starts IC, sticks with it, and shows some serious progress.
(verified by the counselor)
Just a thought....

And this new OW, all I can say is wow. Not many people today would help you like she did. At the very least, the most they would do would be to disappear...

I honestly didn't think so either.

I SWORE that. I know I wrote here many times that I knew about every affair. People would tell me that I didn't know about them all (Lemonman was one of those!)

I hope you're right.

But realistically, there's double what you know about.

FIM

Newlywed, it is certainly ok with me with what you choose. I think your mind is already made up even if you have not admitted it to yourself here. That is ok, it is your life and you certainly are entitled to live it the way you see fit. That is what makes this board so good. You can take and discrad what you want.

In the end, you are 100% responsible for what happens in your life. I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but I will just say "goodluck".

I hope you can find forgiveness for yourself for the "frustartions" that contributed to your WH to be "led astray".

LEm

Thank you LemonMan for your opinions...I will most definitely take them into consideration. I haven't made up my mind yet either way, but I like what TTSI has suggested. However I do not want to spend my life asking questions and wondering. Thank you for your time this evening.

And I might add, that I believe that is a "conservative" number. So many people here like to believe that it was a "one time thing" a slight abberant behavioral moment....maybe that is true, but I would bet a rather large sum of money, that this isn't usually the case....ofcourse I have no way of defending that statement, but it is one, that is beared out in my experience and those I have personally known who have experienced infidelity. Many proclaim that their D-Day was on such and such day.....but you have to wonder how many "D-Days" were left uncovered..........sadly, I am sure more than you or I want to admit.

Lem (call me brash, harsh, an insensitive A-hole......but also call me a "realist")

NW -

I really and truly hope you will stick around here, and keep reading. Infidelity is bad enough, but when you have been married many years, and have children, it is a thousand times worse.

Often the WS leaves the family, doesn't support them, and abandons the children. This is the rule, rather than the exception.

I don't care what kind of stuff you went through before with this guy. I don't care what his problems are. You are very, very early in this marriage to have these kinds of problems.