My husband had an A for @2-3 months after 10 wonderful years of marriage, one beautiful 7 year old daughter and a baby boy on the way. My husband has now been out of our house for almost 2 months. He forced me to be the one to asked him to leave by showing me how unhappy he was staying with us. He has brought up divorce and what he would be willing to do "if it comes to that" repeatedly. He again made me force the issue of seeing a lawyer by contiuing the relationship with the OW. At the same time he wants to stay involved in the life of me and my daughter. He was wanting to contiue being intimate and sharing conversations with me about our day. I have ended contact with him with the exception of visitation with our daughter. It seems that he is in even more of a fog than he was when he moved home for 3 weeks. I am having a hard time even seeing the person I married. The only glimpse I get is when he is talking to our daughter. He is not OPEN with his relationship with the OW at this point but does not deney that he is seeing her or sometimes spending the night with her. He avoids any confrontations with me but still says off the wall coments to people like "I'm still his best friend" or he "loves me and misses me", yet he has done nothing to save our marriage and admits that I was trying much harder than him and blames it on "not being able to get his feeling back". Since he has left, he has made NO attempt to end the A and seems to be quite happy to people that talk to him. He sees his daughter for a couple of hours once or twice a week and is staying with his parents on nights that he chooses to come home.

I don't know where else I have to go but divorce him after our baby is born in 6 weeks. I have tried everything to save our marriage and forgive him for the A, but his heart does not seem to be in it any more. He would like to try to have an uncontested divorce if we can agree on the terms. I can't believe that he is giving up "everything" for a girl with 3 children that pursued him to cheat on her husband. I have had the question asked 100 times..."What is he thinking?" I wish I knew.

Sincerely,
Exausted, drained, and ready to throw in the towel

What have you done to bust up the affair? Have you exposed his affair? Do you have any of the Harley books, such as Surviving an Affair or His Needs/Her Needs?

It took me about a week of finding pieces of information (blocked calls, unlisted cell phone number via internet, name of the person the phone was issued to, ect.) to get him to even admit that there was an A. He probably only admited it because she had already admitted the A to her husband after she found out I had his name and address.

I did make contact with the husband and he had found out that morning, was willing to try to work things out, but she was packing her bags to leave. He is now finished and has NO interest in putting their marriage back together because this has happened to them before.

The one thing I ask my husband to do was call her and end the affair over the phone in front of me. He was unwilling to do that. After a couple of days of waiting and talking to him, I told him that I was going to see a lawyer if he was unwilling to make the call and he watched me walk out the door to visit my lawyer. I felt that I was left with no other choice.

I did ask him to come back home after a week and try to rebuild our marriage. He did come home for three weeks. During that time I tried to be forgiving, loving, discuss what I might have done to cause him to turn to someone else and expressed my willingness to do what we needed to get through this time. He, on the other hand, let me see how completely misreable and unhappy he was. He was cold and indifferent and told me that he knew he was not trying as hard as I was. He finally told me that he was not "getting his feelings back" but wanted to be there for me and the children. At that point I asked him to leave and he did. He seems content with that decision and the A was back on immediately, according to the OW's Husband.

I feel heatbroken, deceived, and cast away. I no longer feel like trying to MAKE him love me.

Where do I go from here?