You want resolution. That's what I think. It will be helpful for you to accept that resolution won't happen on your timeline...

How can you know what he wants? He's a foggy-brained alien..He's trying to make it minute by minute.

We've got to help you get yourself together...

How's the counseling going?

The legal separation will provide the protection you need right now...

Try to calm down, Hurting...

It's going to be OK. Regardless of whether you are with HIM or not, you will survive....

JUST DON'T GIVE UP...

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GIVING UP AND CHOOSING NOT TO BE WITH HIM...

Choosing not to be with him would mean that YOU HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU NO LONGER WANT TO BE HIS WIFE....

I'm not hearing that from you....

(((Hurting))) Ugly roller coaster isn't it? BUt stepping back and waiting is something that will help. Hurting you havne't been at this very long. YOur pLan B has not really had a chance to have an impact. Plan B is for YOU. TO get stronger and to give you peace. AND just getting the financial stuff settled will be enough on your plate. IMHO.

One day at a time. H. That's all any of us can do. Truly.

This roller coaster goes on for a very long time. I have been on it coming up 4 years! Off, the on again. Fasle recovery for 3 years and WHAM all over again a thousand times worse. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> And NOW I am ready to get the heck out of Dodge.

Hurting, IF you don't WANT a divorce DON'T DO IT. If you can't picture yourelf without H in your life EVER, you aren't ready to take that step, hon.

Even though I have filed for a D, it still hurts. ANd I STILL waffle. BUT I do know I will survive. TOday, not so much. BUt tomorrow and the next day I will be stronger.

You are getting great advice from the posters her, Mimi and the others. Just think of me as one that tried and went down a different path. BUT feel free to ask me questions, too. As I said you are doing a stellar Plan B. Keep it up.

Where is the little confetti to throw for you.? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hurting,

I don't think anyone here can guarantee your WH will come home.

As you have seen some do and some don't come home. In cases like yours I wish a miracle could happen, but God knows and we know your WH has free will, made a bad choice,
has turned into a total jerk, and he will be judged for his doings. I wouldn't want to be in his path when he is judged.

But I also know the tools here are given to try to break up the A, in "hopes" that WH would come home. But like you said you can't go on "hopes that he will come home."

This is what I feel in my heart....Your WH called asking for a list, nonsense. Telling people that he has called a lawyer. He has done nothing. Like you said you have all info for paper work there, he has none. I believe he has given you no choice but to file.

How you file is up to you. And no matter how you file, I want you to know it's not your fault, even if you give up your marriage, he gave up first, not you. He has known and been asked repeatedly to reconcile. He has known your love for him and your wanting to save the marriage and keep your family together. He has repeatedly turned his back on God, you, and family, and for that I don't feel a bit sorry for him because I know he will be a miserable man while he stays where he is at.

You can still love someone and let them go, but it's up to you Hurting. You will have to know the answer to that inside yourself.

God is giving you the choice, and sometimes he will give you signs to help you make the choice.


Love, Lady

the couseling is going.... I have my next appointment on the 27th she had to go out of town on family emergency so I ahve not seen her for 2 weeks.

I do want to be his wife thats all I have ever wanted. I just am so afraid I will never be that again.

Your right I want resolution I know its something I can't have right now. At least not on my time line.

I really don't know what he wants your right, but when he keeps telling everyone thats what he wants and he is calling attorneys what else can I think. He makes sure he tells his sister this all the time. I finally told her I don't want to hear anymore about it. He tells people how happy he is and he has not been this happy in years. What else can I think....

I will always have some hope that will never go away. I just wonder if I have enough of it left. He keeps doing things that makes my hope less and less everyday. He still has not given me any money after he said last week he would. But I am not asking anymore, I refuse to. It just kills me he has such little feelings about how we are living.

Will I ever be able to get past the hurt? I hope so I don't want to carry this around forever even if we manage to reconcile. I guess just seeing the attorney and looking at these papers has made evrything so real now. It has thrown me for a loop.

I guess I needed a level head to talk to me. Everyone I talk to here is so emotionally involved they just tell me to move on and stop the pain. I don't think filing for the D woould lessen the pain at all. It probably would make it worse. I will make it Mimi I have no doubt, I just w ish I had a clue of w hich direction I am going right now....

Lady:

Hurting's WH can repent and ask for her forgiveness. Hurting can choose to forgive him. God would definitely forgive HIM.

Hurting:
As the other poster said, you are very early in your PLAN B...and you are doing as well as can be expected....

lady,

I keep praying for an answer from god but so far I have none. I keep trying to tell myself that if God eanted me to Divorce this man he would let me know. I think maybe I am worng but if me divorcing him was the answer god would let me know in my heart. So far my heart says no. But my logical brain says do it. So for now I am going to follow my heart. It may be wrong but thats what I have to do.

Fighting,

you right its rollercoaster that won't slow down at all. Its making me sick. I have lost so much sleep and weight during all of this I am surprised I can function at all.

I was doing real well until I had to see an attorney and it brought everything back to the surface. I don't want a D never did. But as we all no that is not my choice at this time. I may have no say so at all.

So one day at a time is all I can do. As they keep telling me your heart and mind have to be in sync, and for now mine is not. Heart says one thing brain says another. So until both say the same thing I will continue down this path of my planb....

You know what Hurting, I don't think God would ever tell someone to divorce. He gives them the choice. You will know in time what your answer is.


Oh yes, and at this time I know Hurting would forgive him with arms open wide. And God also. The only thing is is no one can guarantee her that he will come home repentant. How long will she wait. It is still very soon from DDay
til now, and I know Hurting, that these past months have seemed like a lifetime. If you can hold on and wait some more, good for you.

Love, Lady

At this point in time I do know if he came to me repenting and asking forgiveness I would give it to him even through all of the pain and bad choices he has made.

It would take a lot for me to ever trust him again but if he truly wanted to make this work I would be a very willing partcipant. I know it would be a very hard and long road but I am willing to walk it with him if he ever chooses it.

I can't say what I may feel like in a few months but for now I can say with a clear mind I would be willing.

Hurting:

Try to really, really think about how you can focus on YOURSELF and to make yourself stronger..

You don't really have to DO anything now about your marriage.

It is Satan that is destroying marriages according to my Christian beliefs. IMHO, it is Satan that wants divorces to happen.. NOT GOD...

We are fighting against evil forces here....

I will check on you tomorrow, Hurting...

Try to put the divorce option out of your mind and work on yourself....to get even stronger...

Your WH can change..can come to you and repent...

Or you can CHOOSE to not be with him...

Don't make that choice while you still have love in your heart for him....it is not necessary...

Mimi,

I do have love in my heart for him. I can't imagine the rst of my life without him. In the end what I want may be of no consequence though.

I am just going to do hat I have to do for now to protect myself and DS. From there I will jsut have to deal with whatever happens.

I have to go to work tonight. Hope I can find the Visine to get the red out of my eyes. lol

That reminds me DS had gone with WH this week for a few days on the road. Fall break here. I am glad he spent time with his dad but when they came in today WH took him to OW's home. WH told DS he would bring him home later. DS told his dad he would not stay at OW's. WH is not happy about that but DS called my SIL and told her I will be home tonight I will not stay here....

I was kinda worried that WH would try and put things in DS's head over the last few days but looks like DS still is not going to fall for his crap. I am proud DS is standing up for his believes and refuses to be around OW.

Wow Hurting, I am prooud of your DS also. That is good, showing Dad he don't like what he is doing and refusing to accept it, good boy!!

I gotta get my YDS to bed so I'll see ya later.

Have a good night at work!!

Hurting, Love is the greatest gift we can give anyone, even if they don't love us in return. You have shown that to many of us here of how you feel about your H, unending love.


Love, Lady

hurting,

I think you got it! When the time is right you will feel it completely and know it that it is time to D. Till then, I would hold off...I think it is such a major decision that you do it when you are ready and when you truly feel it is the right thing to do!

From what I read it sound like you want to do it as some sort of pre-emptive strike. I really think the law will be on your side so you don't need to worry that if H files you cannot do anything about it. Really, a LS is a good step, I agree with mimi filing D may be interpreted that you are done with him and he may feel that he can never come home. We don't know what he will do, but I don't think you want to shut that door just yet...it does not sound like you really want to D.

I could file today but I will not because I just am not ready to do it! To me that would mean I am completely done with him and don't want my M.

Hurting, these are just my 2 cents...at the end you know what is best for you.

But you did ask if there is hope. Why don't you read SH again...see what they say about Plan B and how long to do it...you have been in it such a short time and from what I gother it can take some time for it to work...maybe reading it again will give you some renewed hope..

{{{{{{hurting}}}}}}}

Take care of yourself...

Daisy

Daisy,

Your right I don't want a divorce. I was just thinking if I did it I would have no surprises. maybe deep down in side I thought it might wake him up. Stupid thinking isn't it? I should know that won't do it. He has to do this on his own.

I know I am early in planb and that it takes some time for these things to work for me. I have to get myself stronger and ready to let go and I am not there yet.

DD just got home from walking to the store and talked to her dad on the phone. She asked him if he woiuld like to go out to eat sometime so they could spend some time together. He was rude to her and said I'll think about it. She is so upset over his treatment to her now. I told her I really don't want to hear anymore about him it just upsets me.

Well time for work. Have a good night all.... and ty for your support

((( HIO )

I know it is hard to go through this. Plan B is tough love and you are doing a real good job of it, really you are. I guess it is just easier for us to see, looking in.

The way I look at it, you can ALWAYS get a divorce. You can NOT always continue with the MB principles, which is, Plan b. Please try to just file for LS. I believe that is a pretty big step and should really and truly get you what you want. Which, is - Your H back. I believe you are going to shake him up big time with your filing.

You have lots and lots of caring people on your side. Mimi is an absolute expert on this and is giving you such very good advice. You can not fail. This will work out for you.

You have gotten so much stronger. Filing for LS will make you feel like a champ. I really believe it will.

Best regards - carnation

I want to thank all of you for the support. I just am so confused as to what I should do.

I want my H back but it seems nothing I do is helping with that. I have tried to show him I love him, I have showed him my willingness to change the behaviors that caused him to feel unloved. And at first I did the begging pleading thing which we all know is wrong. This is all I have left is to show him whatlife will be like without me and I don't think it is phasing him at all.

I will just file for LS and see what happens. I do not relish the fact I will have to be in a court room with him at all. I just don't know if I can face him like that. I just can;t imagine having to sit there and rehash all of this to a judge. The thought of this scares me to death, I just hope I can be strong enough not to fall apart.

Who do you want back vs who is inhabiting your H's body, heart and mind?

Need to sync up your mind and heart so that in court, you will let the judge and lawyer see the real WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,

I want my real H back not the WH. I hate the WH and what he is doing to myself and my family.

I know I have to get in sync before this happens. I am trying real hard but not sure how to accomplish it yet.

I got it together to do a planb but having to face him after so many weeks of n/c is going to be hard. Then going back dark will not be easy either, but I know thats what will have to be done. This is all so hard.....

I think it gets easier, hurtinginokla. At least I think it is starting to get easier for me. After sorting things out with a LS, it will take a few weeks ... looks like six for me... and then you start to see the light.

I think it is a kind of withdrawal and a process of letting go. Its a process of accepting that your WH has made a very bad choice and HE has to live with the consequences.

Meanwhile you make your life as happy and fulfilling as you can without WH in it. What a relief!!! WH is no substitute for H. Better no H than a WH. Time to discover the depth of rewarding friendships with your womenfriends. Time to discover new depths of your spirituality. Time to put energy into your childrens growth and development without dancing circles and wasting energy on WH.

We can do it!

I agree with LT, 100%. It is the fear of the unknown that has you on the edge.

Be patient. Remember who the sane one is and be glad you are not as wacked out as the WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Take care,
L.

I am doin fine with planb. I di the withdrawl thing and was doing just fine not seeing him or talking. Of course I miss my H but I don't miss the WH at all. So I have been going to work and doing pretty well.

Iy just that I know seeing him in court will set me back to the beginning of withdrawls and I am not looking forward to that at all. But I will make it through it again.

Orchid your right the fear of the unknown is what has me on the edge. The unknown of how my life is going to be is scaring me to death. But I do know I will survive it.