lady,


I don't know but something tells me he did...... Guess I will find out soon.....

Does not matter anyway there is nothing I can do about it...

Hurting -

I have been thinking a lot about us BS's and the hands we are dealt. Nope, we don't have control over their actions and their choices. But we grow and become strong from our experiences. We learn. We learn a lot about ourselves and what we want. I know you have learned so much. And it is hard to understand why anyone would throw away a long-term relationship for something that is built on sand. One day the high-tide is going to come in and wash over it. There will be nothing left standing after that happens.

Have you read "The Purpose Driven Life"? A friend suggested it to me. I have really enjoyed it.

take Care!
Kim

Kim,

No I have not read that book. Maybe I need to find it and give it a read.

I am trying to prepare myself for all of this but I just can't seem to get there... I know I have no choice but accept it.

I looked on line from our court house and so far the only thing showing filed is my LS papers. I am going to keep an eye on it and watch to see when and if his papers are filed in court. I guess it depends on when/if he turned them in. If it was last week with holiday I guess there was no time to file them yet. At least with being able to look it up online i will know when it happens.

This all just sucks .......

I have been sitting here reading over my thread since the beginning. I have seen so many strange things happen and been said over these last 5 months.

So many people saying he is attached to me and is having a hard time letting go. Well I don't know about that so much any more. I feel like the attachment is gone now.

I re-read Lemonman's few posts to me over and over about how my WS is just the type to come back. I think at one time he may have been but I am not so sure now. This has gone so much further than I ever thought it would. Lemon if your reading this I want you to know I admire you and think your posts are very insightful and have given me a lot to think about. Not only mine but others as well. After much thinking and looking back on all of this and all that has transpired just in th elast month or so I don't think my WH is the type to come back now. His pride and determination to show thw world he is right will stop him no matter how miserable he may or maynot be. I will say though I am stronger now and I will make it through this either way it goes.

I still have sme hope things can turn around but I am also realistic that the chances are very slim at this time.

Thanks to all of you for the support you have given me over the last several months. It has been a life saver....


Hurting

Like you I have been married for over 20 years. Don't go convincing yourself that your husband is too proud to come home. You know as well as I how hard it really is to end a 20 year marriage. His pride is what is keeping him away but it won't likely help him end the marriage. You and I both know men who left their wives for another woman. Think about those men. Does your husband resemble those men? He certainly doesn't sound like them to me. He isn't certain what he wants or how to get it, but I don't for a minute think he is gone for good.

You have done an amazing job of dealing with this situation. Look at all the temptations to lower yourself to his level that you have resisted. I don't know when your husband is coming home but everything in me tells me that he will eventually do so. Once the heat is off him and things start to settle into a pattern, he will come sniffing around testing to see if there is still a warm spot for him. Come on girl, you know this as well as I do. The real question is not whether he will come home but rather whether you will still want him then.

Continue to take care of you. Keep your children in your focus and let things happen as is God's will. You have dealt with all this with a great deal of class. Keep up the good work. I know eventually your pain will ease and life will be happy once again. I just hope for your husband's sake that he is a part of that recovery.

Hurting:

Warning: I am going to be brutally honest with you here in this response. My idea of "support" is not blind optimism and support for delusion.

I still stand by my previous statements regarding your WH. I still believe that he is the exact "prototype" to come back to you and the family "eventually"....now "evenutally" may be alot longer than you had hoped.....years perhaps.....ofcourse this is not a guarantee, as I don't know your WH personally and I am by no means an "expert" on anything, except General and Trauma Surgery and MY OWN post affair "recovery" issues....that is all I can claim to be an expert at.

I think your WH is a "lost soul" and truthfully I don't have very much respect for him as a man....but this is just my opinion, and ofcourse is not a FACT...(in reality, it matters nothing what I think of your WH). Even if this is as Mimi says..."not him, and is his addiction to the OW"...it is for this exact reason that I think he will someday want "back in"....Your WH's "pride" and "ego" and "determination" are not what you think. A man with true "pride" and true "ego" and true "determination" doesn't do the incredibly despicable and cowardly things your cheater has done....he doesn't. Your WH, by and large is a failure professionally, he is a failure at marriage, as a father, as a son, as a person....You see hurting, your WH doesn't have near the "determination" and "fortitude" that you falsely give him credit for. He doesn't. Why would this current act be any different? Think about this for a second. Do you think a man who has done the things your husband has done in this life can continue to do this out of "ego" or "pride" despite extreme hardship....come on now. This is the fact that leaves me so confident regardgin your Wh coming back. I wish that I could say that it is because of an "OW" or "fog" that will be released..but that isn't it.

Your WH is a coward and when you slice away all of the drama of your situation and he is someday (maybe years here) forced to see what the impact his actions have had on his kids and his own "plot" in life...he will "get it".

Trust me girl, there is karma in this life. All that we "take" we must "pay back"....your WH will get "his" sometime in this lifetime, and he indeed will be "paying" for this a million times over somewhere, somehow. That you have to have faith. Even if you reconcile, he will have a large debt to be paid.

I think your continued error has been in continually making this landmark event in your life be about "getting your WH back". You know how you want to yell at your WH or "rip in to him" to make him realize what he is doing to you and the children.....? I want to do the same thing to you......I want you to get it....and I think you still foolishy want this all to be about getting your WH back...........You are no doubt getting stronger, and IMVHO have made great strides in your recovery, but I think you are still struggling because you still see this as only a true success if he comes back to you...yes, you may say differently...but I think differently....When you finally see this all of this $hit for what it is, you'll get better and struggle less...I know you will.

For the record, I still have the odds of your Cheater coming back to you at better than 3:1.....it just may not happen within the "timeframe" you want.

I think someday you will see what I am truly saying, but right now, I can imagine that if you and I were having this conversation in a coffee shop...you'd say "Yeah, Lem, I know all this, but do you really think he will come back to me"....LOL..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are already a success story and you don't even know it.....

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Awwwwh..... Lemonman, just when we thought there wasn't any sweetness in your posts, you go and turn yourself into a delectable lemondrop covered in sugar. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Lem,

First off I want to thank you for your honesty. I guess I never really thought of him being a coward. I just thought of it as pride and stubborness but being a coward does fit better. Cowards run from their problems instead of trying to fix them. He was not always this way but for now he is. I am not sugar coating anything here he used to be a good man with morals. His family was everything to him and he worked hard to take care of us. We have never had everything we have always wanted and lived a lot of the time paycheck to paycheck but we were happy. I just wish I knew what broke him.



You know this one paragraph of your is so true. I never really realized how that seems to be my ultimate goal and I felt like that if this does not happen I will feel like I was a failure. I have failed to look at the big picture and see that my life can go on without him in it. I will be honest that has been the only goal I have had. I know I need to set another goal for myself and make myself independant and live life for me. It's hard to let go when someone has been your partner for so many years. You feel like part of you is gone and your just trying to find it.

I am doing a lot better than say even a month ago, I am getting there a little more each day. Some days better than others. I do know that time is on my side here and I have a long ways to go before I could ever give my heart to anyone else. I just can't even imagine being with anyone else ever.

I understand its hard for people to see how i can still love my H after all of the horrible things he has done. I often wonder myself why I still love him. I finally come to realize its because I remember the man he was and thats who I love not the man he is today. I would never want the man he is today in my life. But I do believe someday he will become that man again or even a better man. Like you said it could be years who knows.

Again I appreciate your thoughts because they give me something to think about and people who are not directly involved and have a clearer picture of whats really happening, there is no emotion involved.

Your also right about one thing , if we were sitting in a coffee shop that would probably be the question I would ask you. Seems thats the question I ask everyday to myself. Sad isn't it?

Your one smart man Lem and I appreciate you and your insight more than you know.....


Hurting

I think you are work in progress. We all are. Situations are re evaluated and goals adjusted. As we reach our short term goals we grow, are long term goals are adjusted. The important thing is that you continue to move in a positive direction. The more goals you achieve, the more your confidence and self esteem is boosted. Our goals evolve as we do.

I would betcha that just about everyone that goes into plan B initially does it with the ultimate goal of "getting back" WS, if not they would go straight for D. But as you grow in plan B you realize there are more import things than WS. I think there will be a time when you focus more on yourself and your children than what WH is up to. Our vision here on the board may be skewed...because this is where you can focus on that part of your life.

Keep up the good work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

short *threadjack*

anyone else a fan of this TV show?

My name is Earl

it's all about his discovery of 'karma' and his journey to make right all the bad things he's done in his life...

it's hilaroious!

Me, Me, ME! You know I am! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Well I just got through talking to my attorney. Actually it was a relief I guess.

First off so far the have heard nothing about a countersuit for divorce. They do know he has an attorney. Like he said though with the holiday last week there has not been time for anything to happen yet. There is no way they will do any divorce stuff on the 9th of Dec. this hearing is an emergency hearing to set support and custody up. This is not the final hearing even for the LS. If he does file for divorce which we are pretty sure he will do it may be a few months before we even get a court date due to holidays and such. I was told I would not be served due to it being a countersuit but that my attorney will be infomed and then we go from there. Like I told my attroeny I don't want a divorce but I know I can't stop it either.

I was asked who told me they would do the divorce the same day and I told him my WH said his attorney told him that , he laughed and said don't listen to any more from him because thats so far from true. So looks like I may still have a few months left of being married before all of this happens. I guess anything could happen in the next few months. I am praying for the best but expecting the worst.... At least now I feel better knowing I won't be divorced on the 9th of Dec. What a mess....

Hurting, does he have to respond in a certain # of days to your filing?

Yes he had 20 days lady ad I believe he must have responded because my attorney knew he had an attorney.....

He was served the 19 of Nov. and if he didn't respond the judgement would have went against him automatically... So I am sure he responded...

A big Amen to Lemonmans post, oftentimes we get so caught up in "winning" the WS back, that we lose sight of why, or what it actually means to have them return.

I will add another comment to that. Sometimes, we are completely caught up in making sure that the OW does not "win " him. We just can't stand the thought that the two bit home-wrecking w**re would end up winning him.
We lose sight of what the reality would be like if/when he does come back.

I am not, for even a second, suggesting taht you give up on fighting for you marriage. I think that is a good thing. But you seem to be keeping track of every single little action in a score column to see if you are on the winning side. You are driving yourself crazy.

Fact: his R with OW will NOT last. Period. Whether or not he ends up back with you, this fact still remains. She will not "win".

I had a big "aha" moment with my IC, before I actually filed for D. My WH had stopped by the house, when I was gone, and loaded the dishwasher (I think it was out of guilt). He found a pan that I had used, that had to be scrubbed by hand. he left me a note, typed on the computer, that said "Don't use this pan to roast ribs in the future, it is too hard to clean, use the BBQ instead"

he left the note on my kitchen table.
first off, he didn't live there anymore. I hadn't asked him to come in and do the dishes, and he had no right telling me what pans I could use. I don't care if it was too much work for him to clean - he had no business coming in there.

I told this story to my IC and she said "Maybe you should leave him a note in response, thanking him for the advice and saying "I appreciate the advice, and the help, in the future I will use the BBQ".

My instant feeling was "why do I have to leave him a note thanking him? He chose to leave, he doesn't live here anymore, and he still leaves me nasty notes? and I am supposed to suck up to him? are you kidding me? Am I expected to suck up to him for the rest of my life in order to keep him around???

My point is this, I reached the point where I no longer wanted to say or do whatever it took to win him back. He wasn't that great of a prize. He needed to do something to win me back! And until he was ready to do that, I was not going to leave notes thanking him for his crap!

I still worry that right now you are still in that place where you would say ro do whatever it takes to get him back. But that is not a good foundation to build on. You can't keep up with that 24/7. you are willing to make the efforts, he needs to get to that point too.

Has he filed papers? who knows. Will he? Who knows.
Does it mean its "over"? you know, after reading here, that many M's are recovered the day before the court date, or a month after the D is final.

A lot will happen for you this month. Christmas brings about a lot of emotions, for both of you. Please quit trying to read too much into every action.

Womanoffaith,

I just don't know what to say. All of what you said is true. But I don't feel right now i am on any winning side. I feel like i have been tossed away like a piece of day old bread.

I am trying so hard not to read into every action or thing he says. Its just hard.

I know this next month is going to be difficult and I am not looking forward to it. With Christmas and my and DD birthdays as well. But I am going to try hard to be happy and make it good for the kids.

Good morning hurting-
Glad to hear you got some information and know more about
how things will work- always better to know the facts than
to have to wait and wonder !

You know the earlier messages struck a chord with me also-
I've come to realize that my WH is very much a coward.
This makes me feel disappointed, sad, and frustrated, as
I used to really consider him my "rock", and feel like I
was always safe and secure with him. Now I feel like his
entire "agenda" is all about HIM, and I think about how
weak he seems to be. At times lately, I have had the feeling
that he might want to end his involvement with the OW, but
doesn't know "how" to do it. (I could also be totally wrong
or just wishful thinking) From my conversations with her,
she really seems to be a very agressive, "in your face" type
who can probably be very nasty (total opposite of me), so
could be difficult to deal with, but then he had no problem
with just blowing me off, so he ought to be able to handle
it !

I think you have been doing great with everything- and you
have had a lot to handle ! I think all of us are just trying
to take a day at a time, handle things as best we can as
they come, and we can be okay, whether our H's return or not. I do see some improvements and feel like I've gotten
a bit stronger since the beginning of all this mess, and I
can be okay, it's just not what I ever wanted. I'm not
as worried as I used to be about where I'll live, finances,
etc. or even as sad about losing our house, but I am more
grieving the loss of the memories, plans, our rituals and
traditions, and of course, loss of the man who was my H.

Slammed

You know what Hurting......THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.....You can ONLY "try hard".....you do your damnest to make this a great holiday season for your kids......that is all anyone can ask...YOU do this, and you will be successful...it will be contagious.

You make a pact with yourself that for 21 days (the time it generally takes for the things we do to become habit) to STOP trying to read the tea leaves (sp?) of your relationship struggles with your H, stop the obsessions and stop rippling from your cheaters actions. You be happy and TRY hard in doing so....while there will still be daily struggles in your 21 day pact, you'll be better for it in the end...and so will your children. Enjoy the holdiay season like it may be your last. Do something every day that is a benefit to someone...even if it just holding the door open for an elderely lady....JUST DO THIS.

I know you can do it......do you know it?

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My point is this, I reached the point where I no longer wanted to say or do whatever it took to win him back. He wasn't that great of a prize. He needed to do something to win me back!

Hurting....I think Womanoffaiths comment here is the key.

All adulterers are the loser's Hurting. Thier happiness is really not happiness, it's delusional happiness...not real.
Their R is not based on true love, but something that is not real, even though they "think" it's real.

I do have faith that the procedures of LS will go accordingly, and I do believe you have grown and are coming to an accept whatever happens. You just fight there for all you need in court. Take care of you and the children. And I know you will be alright!

You will have a happy life...and it will be more than you ever dreamed possible.

Lady

I know all of you are right. Life will get better and I will be happy again. Sometimes its hard to see that through all of the struggles, heartaches and tears.

I believe once some of the fianacial things are settled and I won't have to worry day to day about money it will get easier. For now thats one of the big problems I have, just accepting he feels no need to take care of his family.

You know in a way I feel sorry for my WH because I know his life is based on nothing but lies and false feelings at this time. I can only imagine the pain and guilt he will someday feel when he realizes this. In the meantime I no matter how bad I hurt or feel have lived my life with the truth and dignaty on my side. I will never have any regrets on how I handled all of this. I have tried my best to make things right and show him the path home and back to an honest life. I do know I can't make him take that path and I am coming to accept that.

Christmas will be hard for all of us but we have the love of family and friends and will be ok.

Lem, I will do your 21 day pact for myself. I will do my best to do something everyday for someone and try not to obsess over this. Don't know how well I will do with court being a few days though but I am going to give it a shot.

I will admit I am obsessing over this court though as to how I will handle seeing him after 2 months of N/C. It will be very difficult and strange as I never in 24 yrs gone so long without seeing or speaking to him. I am trying to build up my strength so I can be confident and strong through it all. I just don't want to break down in front of him and let him see how he still affects me.

Life will go on ........