Hey,

I need help, my wife wants to give up. She says its too late to fix things. Why did she do this to our marriage? I wasn't perfect, but if I don't know what the problems are how can i fix them? I am always the one trying to fix things, why is it so easy for her to just give up on everything? Why won't she work on this with me? I'm torn apart. Why? Why? Why?

I never even knew this was coming, and to do it to me while Im fighting for my country... What kind of person is she? The Renee I know is a loving compassionate caring woman, who is this selfish, uncaring, mean, hurtfull woman? A child runs from their fears, adults face them, she has the nerve to say I'm immature, well at least Im grown enough to work out problems, and not just run from them.

What do I do? Do I just give up? I cant do that. I love her so much. If she runs from this problem, and doesn't face it, she will never be happy with anyone. If she can't communicate honestly, every relationship in her future will end up the same. How many more lives will she destroy?

WHY? WHY? WHY?????????????????????????????????????????

I am not feeling good. I need to talk to my chaplain. I need someone to tell her what it is she is throwing away. WHY??????????????????????????????????????????????

Why is she doing this to me?????????????

Someone please help. Any advice? I can't loose her.

Ray,

It is not your wife doing this to you... it is the alien that has taken her over. Aliens do all kinds of terrible things. They lie, abandon their children, spend money that isn't theirs, all because some interloper in their marriage "makes me feel good."

Never mind everyone else is crashing around you. The alien won't allow themselves to see the collateral damage, if you will. They only know what they want. Only what they want matters.

It is especially hard since you are in Iraq and, yes, her timing really sucks, doesn't it? But unfairness doesn't enter into the head of the alien, either.

Ray, I would suggest that your wife is in an affair with her supposed one-night stand. But hang on. There is hope. Do go see your chaplain and let it all out. I trust he or she has heard of several aliens overtaking the faithful spouses of our guys and gals in the military. Dang! The mother ship seems to hover over there.

But one thing experience has shown is that often these aliens do return to their former loving, mature, sane selves. Marriages survive infidelity and yours can, too, Ray. Don't give up. Hang in there, buddy.

~ Snow

damn same alien took over my wife to!!

Ray,
Don't give up. Picture a tornado. She is in the eye of the storm. You are standing well outside the winds, looking on.

She is in chaos right now. You just need to be patient and wait this out. Don't allow yourself to be pulled into the storm.

No lovebusters, and I think she'll come around. This is going to be hard to fix while you are apart.

State your love for her, your continued desire to work on the marriage, and leave it at that for now.

NTL

Hey Ray,

I know you're hurting... but you've got to stay focused on your mission.

Your wife is going to do whatever she's going to do right now and there's nothing that you can do from half a world away except pray for her and put your marriage in God's hands right now. I'm not sure if you are a person of faith, but for me, that's the only thing that got me through three years of living ******.

Talk with your chaplain and try not to discuss any relationship stuff when you contact your wife by phone or e-mail. Tell her you love her and that you can't wait to get home and start working on the marriage with her... but leave it at that. If she says that there's no marriage to work on, just tell her again that you love her and that you can't wait to get home to be with her... become a broken record whenever she starts talking about the marriage being "over". Because it isn't over.

You hang in there and keep yourself focused on your mission. You have enough stress with dodging IEDs and such without dealing with this right now. You'll have the rest of your life to deal with this stuff...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Bless you and I will pray for you. I am in the middle of the same mess but if I can be of help I will. You are in shock right now it will fade but it will take time. Read as much as you can here. It is helpful and keep posting the peoplr here are really great. When my mess was starting they kept me sane.
Aliens are a rotten bunch and they have my husband as well and have had complete control over him for about 4 and a half months.

To snowbell:
She was in a 3 month long affair. I had a ONS a few weeks after i found out. She has had no contact with OM since D-day+2. I am sure of that. The problem id that the affair didn't end via plan A/B. I got mad, yelled, screamed, threatened...etc She hated me for a few weeks. I hadn't found this site till it was too late.

To everyone else,
Thanks for your continued support. I hope she will come around. RIF, i know you and others tell me to let it lie till i get back, but i cant. Whenever I don't bring it up, she does, and i tell her i want her to bring it up, so as soon as she does, i jump all over it. We do have a few normal conversations, but about half end up being about the marriage.

I am glad you are confident the A is over. I am just warning you that sometimes they can start up again and the spouse begins to say things like, "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you." Since you are apart, there is this possibility. But it doesn't spell the end. Let's hope you are right and she has left OM in the dust.



Ray, there are people on this board that would give all the money in the world to be in your position. She WANTS to talk about it? Good!!! If the two of you can't talk about it there is little hope you will ever "hear" each other.

Yes, it is hard to hear what she has to say, especially when she says things at times that pierce your heart and feel incredibly cruel. DON'T REACT. She is venting the negative side of her thoughts during these time; being pessimistic and angry is part of that. Those times are your best opportunity to shine. When she says, "I don't know, Ray, we both screwed up so bad and we're not happy, so let's just call it quits," you can say something like, "I agree. We have treated each other horribly. But I remember when things were so good between us and I want that back. I love you. I want to change and be the best husband I can be for you and make you happy. Sometimes I trip and yell, but that is because of the pain I feel. I'm working on it."

See what I mean? You can talk about your pain with words and state what is really in your heart. And if you do this in calm words, she will respond, eventually. She expects you to lash out and be harsh. DON'T. Love her.

Hang in there, Ray.

~ Snow

I know its good that she wants to talk about it (thats why i said "i tell her I want her to bring it up."). But with me being in Iraq... RIF is prior service, and has experience dealing with deployments. The MC, and a few folks on this board, agree with him, that we should for the most part let it lie till i get home. What we are trying to institute is a plan where we only tlak about the marriage problems on MC days (i tlelconference with them from Iraq).
All the rest of your advice I am already following. Like you said its hard, but were making it work. Today, she said she does want to make it work. I got a committment out of her, and some other burried feelings came out, so we are making progress.

Hey Ray,

Many here will describe rebuilding your marriage as a rollercoaster... That's one of the MAIN reasons that I recommend putting all of this on hold until you return home.

Your deployment is unlike anything else in the world... constant danger, long periods of bordome, and moments of sheer terror... You can't afford to dwell on any of this right now.

I was deployed to Kosovo when I was dealing with some of our issues. Long story short - all of the A's happend 12 to 13 years prior during our first three years of M, but Mrs. RIF didn't confess them until Dec 2000...

I tried the phone and e-mail contact as we worked through the book Torn Asunder - but for us, it just didn't work. There were too many ways for each of us to 'misread' the other's e-mail or a casual comment over the phone. We both ended up feeling frustrated and angry.

I found MB in May of 2002 when I returned... we continued with our MC and I can honestly say that we've rebuilt our M into much more than I ever dreamed was possible.

Please, try to stay focused and stay away from the relationship talks with your W until you redeploy... My prayers are with you and your unit and with your family...

Semper Fi,
RIF

So what do I do when I call just to say hi, and she says she is feeling depressed, and doesn't know what she wants, and is afraid of the future? She doesn't talk to ANYONE. That is what got us here in the first place. She bottles things up inside till they explode. So if she is upset about the situation, i feel obligated to try and get her to talk about the situation.
Thats what happened today. I called just to say Hi, and she was very depressed... So i tried (to no avail) to get her to talk about what was bothering her, and got a little, but not much. She quite literally has no friends that she can talk to in my absence. So how do I deal with this situation? I am at a loss. I am very worried about her.

bump

Refresh my memory, is she seeing an IC? Why does she have NO friends?

You know, I can see why we would recommend to let this lie until you get back, but if she wants to talk and work on this now... you can try to at least keep things status quo and not let them get any worse until you come home.

Heck, my H and I were apart during our ENTIRE engagement of 7 months (he was in the Army stationed in Germany) and we communicated a lot thru letters and phone conversations. So who am I to say things can't be created or dealt with long distance?

Take care!
NTL

She is seeing an IC. She has friends, but her close friends (the ones she feels comfortable talking to about personal issues) have all moved away. I am basically trying to do just that, but one day she is fine with that, the next she says its too much, and wants to give up. This "ROLLERCOASTER" action is whats killing me. I try do pass the giving up feelings as part of the depression, but Im worried that they are going to get the best of her one day.
I am also getting annoyed that she keeps saying she will write, but she never does. Ive been back in Iraq for a week and a half (almost two weeks), and ive sent 2 cards, and two letters home so far, with nothing from her in return. Am i asking too much? I think i am, but why cant she even get ONE letter or card out? She blames work and the dogs, and the stress from the situation...
Suggestions to deal with this are welcome. Part of me wants to play hardball, not contact her again till i recieve some form of correspondance, but im afraid of the wrong outcome.

Listen to RIF. He is the expert.

I wish she would keep posting here. There are lots of folks that would be willing to help her.

Hey Ray,

Sorry I've been away for a couple of days. Try to talk about the "here and now"... You love her... You are working on being a better husband... You can't wait to get home so you can both start MC together. If she continues to press and try and talk about the past, just be a broken record and let her know that you love her and that you're working to be a better H for her.

I wouldn't try to get her to try and talk about what's bothering her as this will just lead back into her questions and issues about your A... remember, keep telling her that you love her and that you're working to be a better H for her.

Semper Fi,
RIF

good to hear from you again RIF.

She doesn't really ask about my ONS. I think she kinda just disregards it (she said when i confessed "I can't blame you, but it doesn't help things..."). There isn't much to say about it detail wise anyway. Some random woman in a club...

I am constantly telling her how much I love her. One of the problems I am having is that she seems only half committed to this at times. One day she is going to the library to get HN/HN, the next she is depressed saying how much she screws everything up. What stance should I take on these issues. Part of me wants to say YES YOU DID!!!, but the other part of me realizes that we both let this happen to our marriage (i failed to meet her needs, she failed to tell me i wasn't meeting them). How much, if any, guilt should I lay on her? I am fine with the way i am handling things (constantly telling her how wonderful she is (she really is a wonderful wife, she just made a mistake), telling her i love her...), but am i setting myself up for failure when i get home?