Post deleted by fox40

Hi johng,

By reading your post I think this really is the end of her affair. You did a great job here you know, and I think WW is really relieved about it. She knew it couldn't go on, and the guilt was killing her. OM took it well, I believe. Y+our W lied to him saying you's were getting a D, or I don't believe he would have been with her.

This was an EA, thankfully it didn't go to a PA. I know it doesn't make the pain any less...but it was caught in time.

Can you monitor her phone calls, instead of getting rid of it. I don't think OM will accept more of her calls, do you?


I think this is a good sign.

Lady

I would not get rid of the phone. Letting her keep the phone allows you to monitor their actions if they remain in contact and do not go underground.

Have you expose to her family yet? If not, why not?

Lastly, you did great!

Hey Johng - great job. You belong in the BS hall of fame.

You still have tough days ahead of you but it sounds like you are on the right path. I warn you not to get to carried away with your success. Taken the cell phone away would be OK, but I encourage you to try to get WW to give up the phone. With the help of the counselor maybe she will but, IMO, to take it away, like she is a child, will not win you any points in restoring her love for you.

The phone is not her addiction. OM is. Unwillingly taking her phone away is a little over the top as far as controlling behavior. In makes perfect sense to me and everyone here but at least from a fogged out WS's point of view it is controlling. WW's almost always rationalize an affair claiming their BH is "controling". In Plan A and in recovery you are trying to combat that rationalization.

I, in fact, took away my wifes cell phone. But it was a 2nd cell phone she obtained on her own so I could not monitor her and so she could talk free on cingular to OM. After OM broke up with her it was pointless for her to have 2 cell phones but it still upset her that I took it and returned it. I got called controlling but I ignored it.

As far as her mood and "emerging a new person". She got her "fix" and although they may have come to the conclusion together to end it the reality of ending it has not sunk in. As withdrawal sets in you are likely to get bashed again for calling OM and making him end it. Just ignore any such bitterness. It will fade with time and she is likely to respect your fortitude.

I have high hopes for your recovery.

Mr. Wondering

Great Job Jonh. Keep it up... As for the phone, If you take it away you will just have to worry about her buying a calling card, pay phone, or another cell. let her keep the phone so you can atleast keep tabs on that.

johng -

Hummm...your sitch sounds a lot like mine. I can tell you what SH advised me to do when I was faced with my WW's 24/7 phone EA with OM.

Obviously, she wouldn't leave the house for my Plan B, and I certainly had no grounds to give her the boot. So, SH advised me to do an "in-house" plan B. For almost 2 months, I lived upstairs while WW lived downstairs. This was accompanied by a Plan B letter advising her of what I was doing, my need for NC, etc. Also, at that time she was wanting to have OM move into our house, so I felt I needed to still be there to assure that didn't happen.

Lasted for about 2 months until I felt I needed to move out mostly for my safety (and sanity).

Georgia

Post deleted by fox40

Johng,

Can you email me at the address below, I have a file I would like to share with you if you are interested.

Mr. W

MrWondering:

>Can you email me at the address below, I have a file I would like to share with you if you are interested.

Ahh, I'm happy with my penis size!! Hey, only kidding! But I'll be in touch.

john

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John,

This is just the beginning. Withdrawal is not eassy. Hang in there.

First off, this does not ring true. How nutty would a person be to say it would be "too soon" for a married woman to cut off her sleazy affair with another man? That sounds like FOG HORN nonsense manufactured by your W. And if your friends did say such a foolish thing, it should be recognized for what it is: foolishness. However, I would not trust any information coming from your wife about this.

Secondly, your W is playing true to form. She will go up and down in an even perfect recovery. She will hate your guts for several weeks for ruining her affair, so just be prepared for this so you won't be disappointed. Once contact truly does end, she will start to come out it gradually.

You are doing an excellent job in combatting this affair, john, we could not have advised you better. So hang in there, it is bound to get better.

Johng,

1. Active conflict is a good thing as it is a step up from withdrawal;

2. She may relapse but hopefully OM will be firm in his commitment to you to break things off (if not, he should be exposed to family and friends immediately and without prejudice);

3. Listen more than talking...you can sit back and watch her come to her own conclusions...listening fills her E.N. and fills her love bank...make her feel as safe as possible communicating her feelings, good and bad...judgement by you are a LB (review LB's definitions and minimize them);

4. Read up on Reverse Babble (Orchid is the expert here)...For example, when she accuses you of ending the affair...say "Sorry Dear, but didn't OM break up with you not me" or "What's the big deal...all I did was tell him the truth then he decided to break up with you, not me...I'm still here fighting for our marriage";

5. Ignore her fogged out statements...she is likely to hurt you to the core to test your resolve and empty out all her false justifications and resentments...keep your input in conversations to small talk...allow her to dig deep into herself and process the deep stuff with your assistance;

6. Don't take her anger personally, you have taken away her crack pipe and of course she is upset;

7. Don't back down to her demands...stay resolute and on point...you do marriage only and you do not move out on her and/or the kids;

8. Be strong...Act, Don't React...you are the only responsible party to this marriage right now...the marriage is in your hands; and

9. Don't discuss the future too much...have patience...one day at a time...allow that the future will take care of itself.

10. For yourself, work on acceptance and put forgiveness on the shelf until later in recovery when it will mean something. IMO, you can not forgive someone who is actively in the process of hurting you.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

p.s. - told you that you were doing OK. Melody even gave you kudo's and she is one tough Texas cookie. Keep your chin up...your wife is coming around. Any sniff of contact (you'll know by her mood)...call OM again and give him another chance to back off. He is addicted and likely to crack too. However, him breaking it off with your WW is the easiest alternative.

Mr. W, you are doing a fabulous job here! KUDOs to you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks so much MelodyLane!

I will find out tonight exactly what was said when I contact these friends. You have to know that they were/are going through the same ordeal.

Hate my guts? She already hates my guts and has repeatedly said so. We go from making love on Saturday night, to her screaming and yelling the most vile things at me. Talk about mood swings!

As for doing a good job, that is questionable. I often wonder if I am doing the right things. My head tells me I am doing what is necessary, but my heart breaks for my wife and seeing her in this condition. I hate to see her get hurt!

thanks again,

fox40

MrWondring,

Check your email. I just ripped off a couple of emails to you covering everything, or well almost everything.

Keep us in prayer! We are heading to our next session tonight at 6:00 and then we have a Bible study after that! So hopefully, I can hold it together and the light will continue to expose the darkness.

fox40

Wow, if your friends have been dealing with an affair for 4 years, I would have to say they are not doing something right! One has to wonder if they actually accommodated the affair, rather than fought it...

The things you are doing, John, are tried and true methods in breaking up an affair. Breaking up the affair is the key to recovering your marriage. And I have to tell you, most folks are so scared when they find out about the affair that they make some pretty bad mistakes, one of which is INACTION. INACTION enables the affair and only makes things worse. The things you have done thus far are stupendous and will benefit you greatly.

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John, this is all very classic. She is deep in the fog of an addiction and cannot reason. It is a waste of time to try and reason with her or to try and educate her as you can see. The only thing that will remove the fog is withdrawal from the OM.

All this other stuff is just fogtalk that should not be taken seriously. This is why it is a complete waste of time and money to attend MC with a WS who is still in an affair. She is committed to a path of deceit that renders mc useless. Believe me, she doesn't have any idea what she wants and her "plans" to leave you in June will change from week to week. She is very confused. You will discover that talk is very cheap with a WS in the throes of an addiction!

That means that your best bet is to continue to hammer away at her affair until she truly does end it. If that means going back to your pastor, then I would do it. If that doesn't work to effect an end to the affair, I would take a strong look at Plan B.

Take a gander at this letter to Dr. Harley: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

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