Yes, it was my fault, and I readily admit she is the innocent party in all this. After 25 years, it may well be over- I'm not sure. Our marriage hasn't been right since the kids came along- she turned into the Complete Mom, and I became an outsider. We remained very active in our church, enjoying very public and high profile lives serving our Father, and yet...

I never went looking for a companion, and I was so completely stunned when I fell into this relationship. It became a living ****** for me, and I am so glad to be out of the misery of that double-life. I miss her though (Plan A in place for 3 weeks now), as I can still not talk to my wife, and the OW and I were best friends more than anything else. We shared an honesty between us that I have never had with my wife. BW and I haven't been able to talk heart to heart for more than 10 years, and the gaps grow wider with each year.

I want this to work in the worst way, yet I am at a loss. Should I move out (Plan B) intil she is really ready to rebuild our relationship? She insists that she wants to reserve the right to be angry at me- and I have seen the results of that anger as I found her beating and screaming at our son one afternoon recently.

Welcome to MB. I am glad you found your way here however let's examine some of your post ok? Good start ok. What did you try to correct this? Did you continue to woo your W? Treat her as your g/f and not the mother of your children? Did you treasure her as the Bible commands? I suspect not. Yes, your BW needs to take some responsibility for the state of your M however the A is all YOU. You shared a dishonesty with OW. YOu have an illicit with this woman. How much honesty can there be with two people that are lying and cheating? Can you honestly say you gave your BW a chance to fill those needs? Did you try counseling? Did you ever tell your BW how unhappy you were? Yes your BW has a "right" to be angry with you. However, if you are being truthful about her beating your DS then what are you doing about that?

Seriously Rainmaster - Plan B? Wasn't your affair already an emotional Plan B? Do not move out. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Your marriage is most likely saveable. Please give us more information.

Are you still in contact with OW?

If so, STOP, write a No Contact letter and end your affair. There are many examples of No Contact letters on this site and in other threads. We can help you if you need one.

I am glad you are here. We can help you reconcile your marriage if your BW chooses to do that. Please give us more information so we can help; however, there is nothing anyone here can do for you if you remain in any form of contact with OW.

Mr. Wondering

P.S. - Friends can become lovers, but lovers can never become friends. Your friendship with OW is over...forever.

1. Cheap shot- heard too many of those from wife. Is this the level of advice I can expect here? If I was looking for condemnation, I would talk to my wife and her girlfriend(s). I was hoping for some Godly advice. Yes, my skin is a bit thin right now.

2. No longer in contact with OW. Personal & business relationships severed. She lives in another community far away. Please see my original post as it was mentioned there.

So the question remains unanswered- what can I do to help my wife get to the point where she will accept counseling? Or is this like AlAnon where I have to just ignore her destructive behaviour and focus on myself?

I have asked her repeatedly in many different ways over the last 10 years to try and redefine our relationship in a more passionate and intimate light. We even tried a MC once, 3 years ago. He gave us a quick fix and then ran out of town. Kids are 6 & 8. What else do you need to know?

two things

1. You did not share "an honesty" between you and the OW that you never had with your wife. You shared a fantasy. it did not exist in real life or real time and would not have survived life outside its own little bubble of deceit. the quicker you understand that the better.

2. What advice is it exactly that your wife has refused? Yours? forgivem me but when you say you have been in plan a for 3 weeks, am i correct to assume that it has only been 3 weeks since d-day. If that is so then i am not suprised she is still angry. dear gods, you are lucky to still have all limbs attached and be walking upright at this point.

this is going to take a lot longer than 3 weeks. you have ripped her world into little tiny peices. every anchor in her life has just been cast adrift and i can speak from experience when i say that her anger probably is the only thing that is keeping her together right now. it will eventually pass but you need to learn some patience.
it is not good that she lashed out at your child. she definately needs to direct her anger at its correct target but i have a lot of sympathy for the lady.

i definately do not think plan b is appropriate in this situation.

Carolyn

Rain, sorry you saw it as a cheap shot but your post screams justification. I am both a FWS and a BS. I have been on that side of justification as well as on your BW's side. Respect the fact that your W is hurting very badly over your betrayal. Work on yourself. If she will not go to MC, then you go to IC. Get yourself an accountability partner through your church. Be open, honest, forthright with her. Give your BW access to all of your accounts like cell phone records, voiemail, email etc. Change your cell phone #, change your email and any IM log-ins. Show your BW how serious you are about becoming the Godly man you want to be.

Have you repented in front of your church? You can do so without going into details. I did. Do the leaders of your church know? If not, you need to out yourself and get help.

Have you gotten the book Every Man's Battle? I also recommend the book Torn Assunder by Dave Carder. Great book for Christians.

I sincerely apologize. You being here is much more important than me making feeble attempts at wit. My wife was on this site as a WS before me and would sometimes get upset over comments by us BS's. We mean you no harm. Your marriage is just as important to us as any we try to assist with in recovering. I was not attacking you, I was merely trying to convey that Plan B is a MB principle used by BS's to either bust up an affair by withdrawing completely from the WS until they end the affair. IMO, Plan B is not a tool for a WS to get BS to get over an affair or otherwise discuss reconciliation.



I did not see it mentioned there, sorry if I missed that. That is the most important first step. Good job. I believe that may have been difficult for you. How long was your affair? How long have you been in no contact? Are you having problems with withdrawal?


Will she come here and post her story. This may be an easier start than getting her to counseling. Not speaking to you for 3 weeks is a long time and I sympathize with your eagerness to start recovery. Yes, working on yourself is really all you can do until she decides to get involved. Your marriage has hope as long as at least one of you are trying. Do not give up, maybe that is what she expects you to do. Most affairs do not result in divorce so the numbers are on your side. Stay here and other WS will chime in to give you support.


Somewhere (somebody direct him), maybe on the Just Found Out Board, there is a WS toolkit or guide for WS about recovery/reconciliation. I hope you have found or find it. There are many other WS before you here with experience at restoring their marriages.

Once you two are talking again purchase His Needs/Her Needs. I got it on CD and my wife and I listened to it together on a road trip. It was the breakthrough to our recovery.

I think I will leave your thread alone for awhile. My experience here tells me once I have offended a poster nothing I can write can get that respect back. Once again, no offense meant. I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

Mr. Wondering

No justification intended in my posts. I am truly penitent and hope for a complete restoration to a relationship that will withstand all tests.

As for our former church home- it is no longer available to us. We have been searching for where God would have us go next, but the answer has been resoundlingly clear: we are no to return for our former church family. (it has nothing to do with this BTW) It is an open wound for both of us, and goes very deep.

As the pres/ceo of a software company it is difficult for me to do as you suggest, (change all email, msgr, cell...) and she and I have agreed that she can look at all accounts and phone records anytime she wants. I have also signed us up for a MB weekend together and a good friend will watch the kids for us then.

The books should have arrived by now- I ordered them last Monday at the suggestion of my counsellor. Amazon can be great. He sent me home with a list of Dr. Harley books to read and a study sheet on forgiveness from a biblical perspective for the two of us to do together. She has not outright refused, but has found a myriad of excuses why she never has time. I am doing all cooking, laundry, housekeeping duties right now, in addition to running my own company. This leaves me very exhausted by the end of the day, and my own depression over these events have left me with little sleep, usually less than 20 hours a week.

I can understand the company email but you can have your IT people block addresses. The cell # can be changed IMHO. People change cell phones all the time. Home number should be changed and your W given all passwords. Bock OW from your IM. Did you write and send a NC letter? If not write one, have your W approve it and have her mail it.

It may take a while for your W to believe the changes you are making are permanent. Give her time. You have no idea the pain she is in. I can liken it to a death in the family. You will need to work to show her you really are the she thought you were.

Which books did your counselor recommend? Have you considered an Every Man's Battle workshop?

Not changing our personal number is her idea. the OW never had that number, but it would be easy to get- changed or not. We talked- I sent her The Letter, and then when she called, I made it clear- NO MORE CONTACT. Blocking email addresses only goes so far- ask any spammer- yet it has been done. The cell number must remain the same. Been on my cards for too long, and in the rolodexes of too many investment & business types around the world. BTW, WW sent OW her own letter- very vindictive. Stress makes us do bizarre things sometimes.


"Turn Asunder" with workbooks, "His needs, her needs", "Surviving an affair". No, I hadn't.

I personally phoned both ow that my xh had. You seriously wounded your W and want an instant fix to her.

She needs patience, love, understanding and time.

You want instant happy again.

Sorry...this is how I see it.

And yes, you CAN get a new cell number. You can have calls with old message saying that call main office number (which you have already on the cards) for new cell number until new cards are printed. That way the office is forewarned about OW trying to call...just say so and so is not to be phoning me.

oh...btw...my xh is cfo of a company too.

Your W needs time. She is feeling rage right now..and justifiably so. How would you feel? In her shoes?

Don't even mention to me that you'd for one second consider plan B'ing a sad, grieving yet at same time angry betrayed wife and mother. Don't go there.

I would like to add this as well.

While it is good you're home...and in NC, your W is in shreds right now. She will not be herself most likely for a while.

And I can understand where she's coming from...my son is same age almost. She was being a good wife, mommy...and you had EVERY opportunity to continue telling her what you wished could be more in your marriage...but you went outside.

I read whole post and feel you are blaming your W...from her anger, to her inability right now to communicate...to her lack of passion at home with two small kids. Who incidentally, if you ever are at home with them, as I was with my son, it is almost a harder job than going to work all day.

Please be her rock. Give her a pillow to punch. Send her to kickboxing lessons. Anything to vent right now. She needs supporting!

My sister was also victim of affair of my bro in law, a surgeon. It almost destroyed her and it was a six week affair over five years ago..she found out last year. And she is now taking AD's to still cope. Get the picture? It causes damage, affairs. And you need to roll out the red carpet of love and attention and care right now. If she doesn't get that...she may well choose otherwise.

Unless you walk on this side...you will never know the pain my friend.

Lose any semblance of an ego and deal with this as a Christian man would do now...that means carrying your family and loving your family and W as He loved the church. Forget about your needs and concentrate on them...

May healing, love and light come your way.

I obviously do not know what I'm doing. Thank you all for your frank and godly advice. I truly want to do what is right for my wife. So the idea of Plan B isn't a good one- I accept that- I'm learning. I had only suggested it as a possible way to help ease her pain. What you say makes sense, and falls in line with her words and actions. Towards that end I am avoiding all business travel until she has her feet back underneath her again. How ever long that takes, I'm OK with that- our relationship is more important to me than another cool project or high profile customer. We are in counseling, BTW, and starting the "Torn Asunder" workbook together.

We are in agreement on our phone/email/IM changes and she has passwords to all my personal and business accounts. Since I maintain all the PCs at home (about a dozen), she needs to tell me if she wants to install a keylogger of some kind, so that I don't blow it away on my weekly spyware machine scans. Right now she is content with me keeping my cell phone number and usage patterns, as she gets a very nice statement each month from Verizon listing all calls (in & out) with time and duration. If that gives her a greater sense of security, I'm all for it. I will not accept any calls with blocked caller ID.

Thank you all for helping me get my head out of my &$$ so that I can better understand the horrible world I have left her in. Keep us both in your prayers.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> rainmaster! that sounds like a very good start. congratulations on taking the first few steps to a healed, happy and more fulfilling marriage.

cheers

carolyn

Rainmaster, great start! Glad reading and posting here helped. Please if you can get your W to post here or at least read through the basic concepts at the top of the page. Torn Assunder is a great book IMHO. His Needs/Her Needs should be next. Do the Emotional Needs Questionaire together and the Recreation Inventory as well. It compliments well with the Torn Assunder workbook.

The no travel is great and perhaps you can offer to let your W travel with you occasionally. Get out on dates together and spend time together. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Sounds like you are making good progress. Be totally honest with her, and answer every question she asks fully and truthfully.

Plan A and Plan B are what BSs do to get WS to "see the light". So, it is a little bass-ackwards for you to be contemplating Plan A and Plan B. You should be listening to her to find out what she wants.

You and her will need to work on the M. It has to be improved. Whatever led to the M has to be fixed. While groveling to a BS is something every WS has to do, you have to keep in mind some dynamics in the M have to change.


It is pretty clear no matter what you put on the computers, you would be able to get around it. Really, that is not protection for her at all. And, you have legitimate reasons for not changing your email address or your telephone number. Your W probably knows all of this already.

It isn't that hard to figure out if the WS is continuing an A. Just ask your W what she needs to feel "safe" and then do it.