If NC has been confirmed, thats enough for me. But my chain of command is pressuring me to persue legal action against the OM. They are using the argument that he needs to be taught a lesson, especially since he is a mental health professional, so that he doesn't do something like this again. I personally dont care either way. all i want is my marriage back, he can burn in ****** for all i care.

What do you guys/gals think?

Are you enlisted? Is OM an officer? Is he in your chain of command in any way?

Wow, in my (very non-professional) opinion, if you don't care what happens to the guy (or even if you do care but don't want to put yourself through the hurt of pressing charges), tell your chain of command that your respect their opinions, but you have different priorities at this point in your life... that you need to put all of your power and all of your attention into working on your marriage.

In short, if you're sure of NC, you have no responsibility to give another thought about what happens to this guy. You have more important things to worry about.

Im an NCO (SGT), he is an NCO (SSG) in the reserves, currently working at an Army hospital. My superiors already told the chain of command at the hospital about the situation, and MP's have sworn statements on file if there is another problem in the future. But for right now, Im focused on rebuilding my marriage.

I have another "?", off topic, but what is the general opinion about the following...
Hip-hop music (or any other genre) that promotes or encourages adultery. My wife and I enjoy hip-hop music when dancing and what not. We like the beat. But some songs have always turned me off, especially ones about cheating and adultery. My wife on the other hand liked these songs as much as the others. I'd even mentioned it to her in the past, about not only becoming numb to the fact that its wrong, but even coming to accept it as normal in the future... and look what happened (not that I in any way blame the music, no more than I blame video games for violence in schools, people make their own choices). So now that Im dealing with it first hand, its even more disgusting. And while Im not sure right now (i have no idea what music she is listening to), she still listened to them while i was home. and I'd bet she still has those CD's in the car,and occasionally listens to that crap. This bothers me alot. I've put most of the marital issues on hold till I return from Iraq, but when I get home, how do I handle this situation without love busting?

Thanks again for everyones help.

From one NCO to another (AF E-7) you shouldn't really be pursuing legal action against another service member...Your Chain of Command SHOULD be doing this. If any of us know of a UCMJ violation we have the responsibility to act/report on it. You did your part by informing you superiors, they should do their part by turning this to legal and helping with the investigation.



In itself, your W listening to a certain kind of music might not mean much but in this situation it is probably different. I found when my wife was in her A she listen to music that fit with the way she was feeling. There was a Darius Rucker song that spoke specifically about having an affair with someone, sneaking around and what not. Pissed me the hell off too. (Eventually this CD found its way to the disintegrator <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />). I know I listened to a lot of loud angry music during this time too.

Try to not get caught up in details like this right now it will drive you crazy. When you get home just tell her how it makes you feel and what it makes you think of. Not that it just makes you angry but how you feel abandoned, unloved and all the other "non-manly" feelings that are probably running around in you. In time stuff like this will become less of an issue. For the longest everytime I saw a black Nissan Maxima (OM's car) I wanted to run it off the road and watch it explode into a fiery ball of flames....now I just want to bump them a little. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

Doug

I feel the same, except that I DON'T enjoy most hip-hop BECAUSE of the message in the music (cheating, adultery, women treated as commodities, etc.). Thankfully my W feels the same as well. Frankly I can't imagine any woman with self-respect enjoying something that basically portrays them as a life support system for a vagina, but YMMV.

As an ex-NCO (Army, 15 years SGT/E-5) I would think that OM's chain of command should be the ones taking action. YOUR CoC should contact HIS CoC and ensure that appropriate action is being taken. Once his CoC is aware of the violation, they are obligated to take action under UCMJ.

I'm a retired E-9. This is free advice and it just might be worth every penny you pay for it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you want to pursue legal action against the mental health provider, you’ll have to hire yourself an attorney and file suit in Federal court. If you think you have grounds (i.e., he was working with your wife as a patient after a mental health referral or something like that) go for it. On the other hand, it's a "civil" matter if you go that way and a SSgt isn’t likely to have deep pockets. Just hiring a lawyer who can work through the Federal system will probably be prohibitively expensive.

If the affair began or was conducted at any time the reservist was subject to the provisions of the UCMJ, your commander should be working with the hospital commander to investigate the case with a view to punishment, either under Article 15 or a recommendation for a court martial. Adultery is still a crime punishable under the UCMJ. Get with your First Sergeant to see what's happening. Get him in your corner ASAP and get him motivated. He's your direct pipeline into the thinking of your CO.

If there is nothing happening there, you can appeal to the Staff Judge Advocate directly, though that's a long shot, or file a complaint through Inspector General channels if all else fails.

For my money, this guy needs to be stopped. He dishonored you, he dishonored his profession, and he dishonored the service. A mental health worker knows exactly what buttons to push in vulnerable, lonely women and we don’t need a predator like that preying on spouses left behind on deployments.

I’m not excusing your spouse. She still has the primary responsibility and the one who committed an act of betrayal in your marriage. You and she have to work through that separate from anything else that happens to the OM, and your other thread indicates you’ve made a start in repairing the damage to your marriage. I sincerely hope things work out for you.

I agree longhorn. He should be stopped. And at this point, Im ready to start persuing action against him. I feel the need, however, to let my wife know what Im doing first, she probably wont be happy about it, but at the very least he should not be in the position he is in at the hospital. Im afraid she will take it as a lovebuster, how should i deal with that? The more I think about it, the more I wonder how many other lives he is destroying.

Ok, I'm going to say something here that will be very unpopular, but what about your affair Ray3? Should you be held accountable for your ONS? Just because your wife and this man had an affair longer than you does not make what you did right.

I think you have every right to pursue action against this man, but what happens if they turn around and charge you for committing adultery? Are you ready for that?

I am not meaning to sound harsh at all, but I do think you need to consider what you did also in your road to recovery.

And just to add this disclaimer...I have been the spouse of someone in the military for 19 and 1/2 years so I do get where you are all coming from.

Not to sound harsh in return, but there is no evidence of my ONS, except for what I say, I could have made it up to try and make my wife feel better. Second, there is a HUGE difference. SHE destroyed MY life, she CHOSE not to talk to me about our marriage before it was too late. I on the other hand was trying to talk to her for 2 weeks, all the while being told I was disgusting, and that she didn't love me.... not that I was in any way shape or form right for what I did, but Im certain that even if my wife pressured my CoC to persue anything against me, they more than likely wouldn't. I've seen dozens of guys in my situation do exactly what I did (openly), often with pats on the back from the CoC for "taking it like a man", and getting on with their lives. I am known throughout my BN as a great soldier, and would get alot of support from others in my unit. Third, I am not a womanizer, taking advantage of distraught, suicidal spouses while their husbands are deployed, i found a SINGLE, HAPPY woman to ease my pain.
I thank you for your opinion, and I respect your right ot one, but if you can't see a difference in the two scenarios, I dont think me debating the point any further would be effective.

Gotta admit on this one Ray, you are really minimizing what YOU did. I think you have in a nice convenient way justified your actions on the basis of what your WW did. I understand and am not pointing fingers....but I would watch the stones you cast.....just food for thought.

I happen to agree with the poster above who brought up this point.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Of course I see the difference, but I still think you were wrong. I'm sure you are a great soldier, but that doesn't make what you did right. I was just saying that in your road to recovery you have to weigh everything that happened and your ONS was something that happened.

- Ray,

I am a SSgt in the military also. My husband has been cheating on me with another woman. My husband caught me on the matchmaker website and I felt really bad even though I hadn't called anyone or went on dates. I thought about going out on dates with OM to help ease my pain but after the advice of many at this website I decided to close out the matchmaker account, try to save what was left of my marraige and while I wait work on myself. There is good advice to be found here.

M 26
H 28
married 7 years
DD 1 6 yrs old
D Day 3 sept 05
Plan A 21 Sept 05

I am in no way trying to "minimize" what I did, but I (unlike my wife) have expressed sincere regret, and begged for forgiveness. Additionally, I ADMITTED mine freely. It would never have been discovered. I dont even know the womans name. Never met her before, never saw her again. My wife on the other hand denied it to the bitter end, even when confronted with the evidence. Everyone in my battalion knew about it weeks before I went home on leave. I haven't justified it, nor am I trying to, there is no justification. But there is a clear differentiation between the two, not any more right or wrong, not lesser or greater, just a difference.
I agree that it is an issue, but I am tired of doing all the apologizing. I've sent cards, letters, poems, e-mails, apologized over the phone, over the internet...etc. I KNOW what I did was wrong, and am trying make reparations (is that the right word?) everyday. What have I gotten from her? NOT TOO MUCH. A few "I'm sorry" 's. I know she is sincerely sorry, but I need to here it a few times, and I think its my right to hear it. Even now, everyone is telling me not to pressure her, so Im not, but its killing me. I send her IM's/e-mails/letters/cards everyday. How many times have I logged in to find an offline message waiting for me? THREE TIMES in three weeks. How many letters/cards/packages/e-mails have I gotten from her? ZERO!!! Not to mention the fact that i didn't get any for THREE MONTHS before going home. When can I get some emotional needs met? Not that this little tid bit matters, but my ONS never reached... completion (I became physically ill), so Im still going on close to a year without any SF. She got hers (at least twice from what she says). So when is it OK for me to get some love and affection? When will she stop complaining that I'm "pushing too hard?"

Sorry, there was alot pent up. I just started typing and... Dont take any of it personally, I appreciate and understand your viewpoints, but i still see a distinct difference in the two situations.

I don't think you will see anyone here who is going to try and tell you that there is not a difference in the 2 situations and acts of transgression. I myself could much easier tolerate a one night stand that was an "abberation" of character, rather than a planned out betryal and deception that conitnues over and over again.

I just wanted to make sure that you have owned up to your mess in this all, before you go trying to RIGHTFULLY have another man lynched for his transgressions (also rightfully).

You are to be commended for your actions since the affair, and we only have support and sorrow for your continued struggles with your WW and early recovery.

Please understadn the clear distinction here.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for your understanding Lemonman. What about you lost? Did I explain my stance clearly? Do you understand what Im saying, or do you still think im making excuses, or minimizing?

Ray - I feel for you. I do not in any way think what your wife did or is doing is right. I only brought up what you did because it is going to have to be addressed in your road to recovery. I appears as though you have done that by confessing and expressing your regret. From your wifes point of view, maybe when you are showing her anger over what she did she is also feeling that over what you did? And she would be justified as are you. You see how both wrongs do not make a right? Both of you are going to have to work to renew your marriage.

You are far away right now and that is hard for both of you. I know, I've been the wife left home while the H was in Iraq. If your wife could get into counselling while you are gone I think it would help her. She appears afraid of you coming home. Aren't you the one who tried to physically throw her out? Even though she is the one who had the A and she is going to have to show you she is sorry, you also are going to have to show her that when you come home you are not going to hurt her.

Ray - you know this is going to be a long road. You and your wife are going to have to work hard at making each other comfortable in your relationship. You are both going to have to learn how to not place blame about what happened but move forward from here.

I really was not trying to be harsh. I do not agree at all with what your wife did. I have seen it too often in 19 years where the W cheats on the H while he is deployed. But I also think just as wrong are the men who have ONS and try to justify it as ok for whatever reason. I am happy that you have shown regret over this and think you are headed in the right direction.

This is a long road. I don't know what you are doing over there but focus on your mission. And take care!

Oh and as far as when are your needs going to get met? Unfortunately the BS is the one who has to "suck it up" for a while. When you and your wife really start to recover she will eventually meet your needs. Patience, love and working on a plan should help. It's just really hard for both of you right now being so far apart. Hang in there!!

Ray,

Frist of all I want to say "Thank You", for what you are doing for our country.

With everything that is going on its probably hard for you to concentrate on your mission. If this is the case make sure your supervisor is aware of this. If they offer Life skills/mental health where you are at I would get an appointment to talk to someone. You need to take care of you in order to take care of her. When you have down time do something you enjoy to take your mind off things. Realize that it is nice to have her around but you can live without her.. When my H stopped meeting my emotional needs I thought about going out with other men also. Beware, I think having an affair is quick fix to the problem, but will not give you a solution in the long run.

Lost is right. The Bs is the one who has to "suck it up" for a while. You become the role of the giver and not the taker.

My prayers are with you

Tough situations don't last, but strong people do

M 26
H28
DD 6 yrs old
D day 3 Sept 05
Plan A 21 Sept 05