I want to move on. But I cant seem to budge even a little bit. My WH and I have been together for 15 years and married for 9. He is 29 and I am 30. He has had multiple SA/and a couple EA’s. DDay 1 was 11/01 and there is one OC who will be 4 next year. We have one child who is now 2.

It has been a rough ride. My first take on the whole affair was “he made a mistake, I will stand by him” and I did. He stayed home because he said it was too hard to leave me , the OC was born, I welcomed him into my life , my home. The affairs never stopped, and now in hindsight , I know I enabled him and honestly if he would not have left us a year ago , I probably would still be there. Don’t get me wrong, I hated everything he did. I would pack all his stuff and put it out on the porch and then bring it all back in and put it away before he would get home. All he knew was I was trying. I found out he was till seeing OW 1 the entire time he was home post DDAY which is 2 years.

Then one day he came home and told me he was in love with OW2 and would be moving out to his own apartment. He was gone within two months. Our child was only 4 months old. So still I would talk to him and see him on the side. I turned into OW , but we would justify what we were doing by saying we were married. And I knew what I was doing was not right even if just for myself.

Now, we no longer see one another and rarely talk. I am so frustrated that I worked so hard to get him to see the error of his ways and set him on the right path. I invited him several times to church, he always declined. Drinking and partying was much more important at the time. One day I asked again for him to come to church with me , I believed that if we could give us to God he would work a miracle and our family would be one again. He accepted the invitation, and in a matter a week stopped drinking stopped doing drugs, and mainly stopped the multiple women. But he also never went back to church with me, instead his girlfriend and her children joined him in church.

So now 4 years into this journey, I am still alone. The man left emotionally 4 years ago or longer, physically 2 years ago. And I still love him and miss him like crazy. I am hesitant to move on, but I know it is whats best for me and for my child.

But how do I do it?

Anyone??


Jessica


Also, I have read alot here and I cant seem to find the link for the 180 process.

Thank you for reading.

Hi Jessica,

Good to meet you. It's always hard when your H leaves, and you are left to raise your child. It's not easy I know. I have had to do it as well. I was a single mom for many years, and now I have been married 4 years.

It is not easy moving on, but you can do it!

Are you and your H divorced?

I find it hard to believe he is going to church with OW?
Have you talked to the pastor about that? I think that is something that leadership needs to know about, especially if he has been going there consistantly, or a member.

Lady

We are not divorced. I have the paperwork, I just need to get the money to file now. He said he would not contest so all he needs to do is sign.
As for church, he does go, wednesday nights and sundays. He is doing good himself. I just feel as if I will never move on. I want to be married and have a family. This has consumed for to long. I just dont know how to do it. Does it just happen eventually?

Jessica, why don't you just accept the truth that you don't have the power to change someone's personality? Just accept him how he is and make your decision accordingly. And how do you do it? You make a decision to live and you follow through. You make a decision to use reason and logic as the guiding forces in your life, rather than the warped emotions that have allowed you to endure this mistreatment for years. Take control of your life, Jessica.

And your feelings will be right if you continue like this. You must put your feelings aside and take decisive action. Waiting for a "feeling" to hit you is a waste of time. It will ALWAYS be hard to move on, no magic feeling is going to come and make it easy.

Wow, Melodylane
Well put. I know what I need to do. And I know there is not a magic feeling. I see myself doing it. Its just these feelings , that is what I cannot get control of.

Thanks for the reply,
sometimes people just need to be told exactly the way it is and that is what you have done.

Thank you!

So does anyone have the link to 180? I read it on here years ago. And have not been able to find it.

Thanks

Hi Jessica,
Sounds like we are in similiar situations, and I am also in
the same quandary about what to do to resolve the situation.
My H and I have known each other 10 years, and have been married for 7. Things were great for the first several years
and never saw any sign of the problems to come.
Five years ago, H was diagnosed with depression and some
other mental health issues and started on medication. He
has tried numerous ones since, none of which he thinks have
helped.
Four years ago, found out H had brief internet "flirtation" going on. It ended, but he then started an EA with an older,
recently widowed woman. I moved out for a month, but came
back after A ended and H asked if we could get back together. I believed we had made a good recovery, and things went very well again for a couple of years. Then
H started acting suspiciously, became more secretive, had
lots of phone calls, text messages, and "disappeared" at
times and I knew he had something going on again with someone.
H took several "business" trips earlier in the summer and
I suspected he was with someone, but had no way to confirm
it. H moved out in late August. We had some contact, as
needed to discuss bills, issues with our house, dog, etc.
but I felt sure H was seeing someone, or even several people. Contact with me had increased- H asked me out for
lunch, dinner, came by more often, and I began to feel a
little hope that things might be improving and he might
be realizing what he was missing. Then got a call from the
OW last week- found out the whole sordid story of their
A which began on the internet, and that he had been living
with her the past two months. Apparently she now suspected
him of lying and maybe even seeing another person, so called
me to find out the truth about H and if we were still married. After finding out he lied, OW apparently kicked him
out of her house and he moved into a small rental place alone. I didn't really want him home, but fear the place
alone will just give him opportunity to try to get back with
OW or start up with someone new.
I know my H has mental/emotional problems and due to those
the MB principles aren't probably very effective, but have
tried them just because I didn't know what else to do.
I know that I cannot "Fix" WH or his problems, which I believe to be pretty severe. As with your H, we seem to
be involved with serial cheaters who repeatedly look for
others for something that is lacking in themselves.

I have little hope that WH will turn around and want to
get help so that we can have a real marriage and life,
and have been trying to detach and work on just having a
life by myself, but it's really hard. We don't have kids,
so I can imagine your situation is even harder.

I am seeing a counselor, and she is trying to help me build
up myself, and my strength so I can make the decisions on
what to do with my life, rather than waiting on WH.
If you haven't already started counseling, you might find
that useful too. Have you tried the "Plan B", writing to
tell him you'll have no contact until A ends, and then
going "dark" ?
Slammed

Good Morning,

I have been on this site for years, I didnt remember my last screenname therefore I created a new one, it has always amazed me how not everyone gets the same amount of support from people on this site. The situations are similiar in many of our stories.

I asked for support or feedback, even if it was a 2x4 and didnt get much. I do appreciate the few who did respond.

My main question is doesn anyone have a link to the 360 process. The veterans on here know what I am talking about.


Thank you,
and Have a Good Day!

I am not sure about a 360, but I think there is a 180 plan they talk about on divorce busting. Maybe you can google it, I don't have the link, but I have read it there before.

Thank you Jean36!!! It is 180, maybe thats why no one is responding, I am making no sense asking for 360!!

Thanks again,

Jessica

Good Morning,

Anyone happen to have a link for this?

Thanks ahead of time!

Try this:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/postlist.php?Cat=&Board=different

Or search here at MB for 180, you should be able to find some good examples.

Is it your intent to lure him away from OW and OC?

You have lost contact with him, he has moved in and on with OW for YEARS...now you want to try to get him back?

Instead, why don't you focus your energy on working on yourself? Make some decisions on the life you want for yourself (not the man you want) and get going on that?

"LURE" my husband from his girlfriend?

I do not disagree that I need to work on myself ,and I will be the first to say that when it comes to him, I am needy and can be clingy. I read the 180 list once before and I am not looking to LURE him from anyone, I am looking to get my life back on track even if it is to make him think I am moving on, and I have HOPE that I will move on. His relationship with her is not solid. The time that they have lived together they have broken up about 7 times and she has up and left back home to her husband and then comes back to my WS. Therefore, I believe if I make him think I am no longer sitting and waiting for him and am moving on with my life even if just for myself , it may be a wake up call for him. I do love my WS he has not treated me right and frankly I have allowed most of it. My only regret was I should have gone about things differently.

Thank you to anyone who has replied.
I appreciate it!

One more thing he isnt with OW1 and OC, he is with OW2 and children that are not his. Thanks!