LBelle,

OMG! Your story brings me to absolute tears! How horrible for you!

OHHH ... how I would love to express "my opinion" about that ... that ... that ... OW!

You are MY HERO!

I saw my ob/gyn a few weeks ago. I had to be tested for STDs. He is rather outspoken and asked me why. Asked if I had been unfaithful. I said no, it was my husband. His girlfriend from 25+years ago contacted him and they started a relationship. I explained it was pretty much online until they met one time.

His response?

"Ah, she dumped him when he was young. She comes back and is interested, It validated him, made him feel good about himself after having hurt him all those years ago. By the time they ended up meeting he was over his head."

Does that make it right? No way! Does it make me feel any better? Nope. However, it did make me understand (kind of) that when he says it was nothing I was doing or wasn't doing, he means it.

She was actively pursuing him. She was also actively pursuing other sexual partners via the internet. I found several ads online. He was weak. He made a bad choice.

It did seem so much worse to me that he had an affair with her. She hurt him so much, why would he go back to her?

I made the decision to stay and work on the relationship. I have had days that I felt like I couldn't make it, but we keep on working together. I figure I had 23 years invested in this. Besides, I love him.

I don't know that it makes much difference as to how long it takes them to get over that person vs. a person with no previous history. I guess everyone is different.

I do hope the best for you.

I just wanted to chime in a bit and say my piece. I think affairs are just that affairs all the same. As far as old loves great, whatever the stats really don't change. Dh had an affair for roughy 4 years of our marriage, we've been married for 5. Had a child together but he choose to remain married and we're working things out. Ow was an old hs gf too. She was his first love. But the fog cleared and he choose to stay married and work things out. It hasn't been easy. It's still a work in progress. But we are working it out. Just keep on praying and believing.

2tearyeyes,

Thanks for the heartfelt concern! Even at this point, I always appreciate it. Sometimes I still look back and think, "That wasn't me. That wasn't my life." I certainly did that alot during the first year!

Hoopsie, the emotional part is probably the biggest enemy for you. They feel like they are young and in HS again, besides all the "new romance" type chemicals in their brains. But the attatchment can be very strong and that is the part that is the most painful to hear them talk about.

One huge thing I have learned here on MB is that no matter how bad it looks, many marriages make it and can be better than before. I filed for divorce about 5 weeks after I found out. I didn't know that any marriages were saved when this kind of thing happened. He had asked her to marry him and I had intercepted the e-mails. He cried and said he didn't know what to do but he couldn't live without her. I told him not to come home. I didn't think I had any chance and I didn't really even think I could fight for the marriage. Besides being emotionally devastated, I was physically exhausted from the radiation treatments.

My (long winded) point is don't give up, if you want this marriage. So much can change and sometimes fairly quickly. Although it will seem like an eternity to you. Read about the addiction, the withdrawal, about plan A and B and listen to the wise people on this board, many who have hung around for a long time on these boards to help people like you through your most difficult time of your life.

Stay positive.

Hoopsie,
I forgot to mention that we are also similar in that OW H found out way before I did (her being pregnant and all) and they were halfway through their divorce before I found out.

I will always wonder why her H didn't find me and tell me what was going on. He knew, but didn't let me in on it.