I updated my lawyer on the possible poor fin'l status of WS and he advised us to act quickly. And find alt housing.. even though I haven't found a job yet, perhaps I might be able to get some kind of h-sing grant from the govt.

So I'll be checking out with that dept on Fri to see if being legally separated, I wld be eligible.

That might help resolve the house problem although I may still need cash outlay for new furniture/ minor reno. But we'll deal with that later.

I am not 100% ready to file but I'm already over 90% there. I don't have the luxury of time or money and based on how he's treated us lately....the H that I used to know is truly now lost.

My lawyer also says that it'll be more to my "benefit" if I were to file the D. So once I'm able to ensure the house matter is settled, I'll be D-ing the cheating rat.

~A

I'm still trying to resolve my place-to-live situation.

I won't be able to secure a bank loan at all as I was not working after I was retrenched.

I may have little choice but to rent which will drain my savings even more as rental rates have gone up.

Wish I cld find a job soon. No one has been calling me for interviews.

~A

I wrote a calm email to WS telling him the options concerning us moving out as he's chasing me to sell this apt asap. Told him I'm having difficulty securing a loan because I have no income track record and am appealing for a govt grant. Still waiting for a reply.

My mom was so worried abt this problem concerning where we are to stay when this place is sold.

I even arranged for my sis to take my parents in, in the worst case scenario.

WS replied to say he isn't really chasing us to leave. He is afraid that the banks will make him a bankrupt because of his cr card bills. This will affect the current apt and it's better we sell and take back some money than have the bank take possession of it.

I have no idea how high his debts are and haven't asked.

I wonder if he ever felt or feel remorse for the grief he has caused us.

Because of his actions, I have to start all over again from the bottom. Yes, I'm still angry and yes I still resent him for doing all this. I do not like to be in a victim's mode and I do know that a positive turn will come our way but reight now, I want to claim my right to be so darn #!(&# angry.


~A

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and praying for you, Ashley. I am so sorry that your WH's selfishness has gotten you into such a pickle financially.

thanks for posting to me faithful. I really really appreciate it.

I do believe God has a plan for me. I just can't help feeling so frustrated sometimes.

Even my pastor doesn't know what WS is thinking abt. He did try to talk to WS but WS has avoided all calls from our past mutual contacts and friends.

~A

I'd guess, not yet. He's probably still in complete denial, like my STBX.

It sounds to me like you might have real financial reasons for filing, Ashley. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thinking of you.

Alph.

i know Alph... the benefits he's getting from the A still obviously outweigh our rel'ship and history. How happy they are.

I sit down and think sometimes (I try not to do it because I don't want to get myself into a mind-rut and have unhealthy things run thru my head incessantly)... and I still do not exactly know what I did wrong that he felt he needed to go to someone else to feel fulfilled. I seriously don't.

In fact, he took from me more than I got from him. He even took my money and the nest egg that I built up.

If he had told me what he was unhappy abt when he was unhappy, at least I wld know. We don't even quarrel or argue incessantly. And I've always told him how I felt.. even though when I was unhappy with him. I tried to be supportive.. and even that was no enough. Said I was unromantic, etc.

I do have fin'l reasons for filing. My lawyer says they all fall into the grounds of "unreasonable behaviour". He cld also file a D on the same grounds -- reason being I wrote to OW's parents that exposure letter and it was "interfering with his daily life".

~A

Yet again, my monthly maintenance didn't happen from WH at all. Emailed him politely about it -- to pls let us know if he can't make the transfer, so we can at least arrange our budget around this.
No reply.

He did reply, however, that he would leave me all the proceeds (if any) from the sale of this apartment. I will really need this money for the new place. In case, I can't get the govt loan.. or we need to do minor work, like new electical installation points, painting, some new furniture (because the current ones are too big..) etc. Still no reply abt the govt loan. Guess if they don't reply by mid next week, I'll go to the govt office.

Such a headache I really dread this.

I wonder if I shld forward his email to my lawyer..?

I'm trying to get myself emotionally ready to D next yr.

Today, my dog didn't have an appetite and we were worried. Usually, WH drives us to the vet. So, I was wondering if I shld spend the money to book a cab to take us there. The vet isn't too far away but not very near either.

So my mom and I decided to carry my doggie and take a slow 20 mins walk there to save transport money. Seems like she has a bit of stomach trouble and after having a jab from the vet, she was miraculously perky again and started bugging my mom for food!

Mom and I try our best to do stuff w/o WH. That day, mom refused to call him abt a certain matter. She said why shld he feel as if we need him?? She's got a point.

~A

WS finally replied abt last month's maintenance. He claims he still hasn't got his "pay" from the biz he co-owned with his investors. I've been paying last mth's hshld bills from my own savings.

It's amazing how deep the fog can get. I don't understand how he thinks he has "very little money" with possible bankruptcy and yet can afford a new rel/ship or a "second wife".

Anyhow, I have an interview early tm morning.
Wish me luck!

~A

An interview! Yay!

Best of luck with it, Ashley.

Alph.

Thanks Alphin.

The interview was OK.. same as any other.
I wldn't know if I'd get the job till next week.

Still trying to apply for others...

~A

WS just emailed to ask if we shld proceed with marketing the apt for sale.

I told him I thought that it has already been agreed that the agent shd proceed, and really what choice do I have??? I can't pay for the mortgage for this apt alone and he claims he is in poor fin'l state. So what choice do we have other than to sell?

I still do not know where else I'm going to stay after it's sold. I haven't got a reply from the gov concerning a grant for public hsing. Rental is too expensive for me to bear on my own while I haven't found a job.

He put us in this position where I have little space to maneuver and he asks me if "we shld proceed". !@%*%@#!!

I'm beginning to have less and less patience with this [email]cr@p.[/email] Seriously. I am feeling that I just want to cut all ties with him. The sooner the better. I get fed up even seeing his name. And I'm really not beginning to care if I am LB-ing all over the place.

~A

Ashley,

I understand how you feel but reality dictates you use a level head..... this may mean you have to work with him until your next lodging is secured or the D is finalized with proper financial settlement is paid up for.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid, I have v little room to maneuver and he knows that. My mom even told him that we have v little choice.

He claims that the banks might call him for bankruptcy due to his cr card bills which he has found difficulty paying. So it's better we sell the apt asap rather than have the bank take possession of it.

meanwhile, even tho' I'm trying hard to get a job, it's not easy finding one. W/o one, I can't get any kind of bank loan.

Sure, I can rent. But how long can my savings last? WS isn't contributing dirt.

And I can't continue being a nomad moving from one rental place to another because of the age of my parents.

So.. sell the apt we must. But as to where am I going to stay next, I told him I really don't know! I'm unable to work with him because he cannot contribute anything to our predicament.

~A

It is frustrating to hear of your sitch and I can imagine to live it out is even greater. Sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am angry at the WS in your life for being such a jerk. That's the nice word, I can't post the other descriptive words. Arrrgh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Don't know what to say. U know what t/d and r doing it. I have great respect for you knowing you are going through this and taking care of your parents.

Hugz,
L.

Ashley, sorry to hear about how things are evolving for you.

I hate it as well when WS 'seems' to be giving me a choice, when in reality it's not a choice at all - it's more like which option will be the least damaging, between the fire and the frying pan.

Just hang in there. You seem to be in a tight squeeze right now, but keep doing what you need to do and I am sure some 'turn around' will soon happen to give you some relief.

I agree with Orchid, it's a good thing that your parents can count on you. Bless your heart.

HUGS.

Thx for the support and responses, Orchid and lunamare.

I sometimes wonder how I am still sane with all this stress. Sometimes in my quieter moments, I really don't know what else to do or say either.

I wonder how he can live with himself knowing how much "destruction" he's caused. And also because of that, if he's still in full faculties of his mind, I can see how it's the main reason why he feels he can't come back either. He can't face the ground zero he's caused.

In any case, what little respect I have left for him is being eroded daily.

I need a man. One who is at least man enough to own up to his mistakes and try to make things right. Not a boy who'd run away at the slightest sight of trouble he's helped caused. If I can be more "man" than the boy he now is, what's the point of even having him back?

I won't lose faith or hope that things will work out for the better. Being around people like you good folks help a great deal.

~A

I didn't get the job, BTW.
*sigh* so I'm trying to apply for others. Things will be slow coz it's the year-end. But I will just keep at it.

So the way I see it, my WH is willing to hook on to OW and in the process:

1. lose his new apartment
2. lose many of his friends
3. lose his own family - at least for the time being. (He still hasn't dared to yet visit or see or talk to his mom)
4. lose his wife
5. lose his financial stability
amongst other things...

I wonder what she has that offers to him that justifies almost everything he has.

1. New hope for the future?
2. Utter happiness and bliss?
3. Things he now claims he wants?? Kids, new religion, new lifestyle etc.

Denial, Reality or fantasy? It sure is reality to them right?

Coz for the balance sheet to balance, the OW side of things must be worth a helluva lot too.

~A

Sorry about the job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

{{{Ashley}}}

Your list of pros/cons sure doesn't balance up for your WH, does it?

My WH still hasn't responded to the D petition, BTW. Makes me wonder what he wants. I guess he's just scared of what I'll take from him financially. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

They sure don't look appealing, butts in the air, with their heads stuck in the sand, do they! LOL

Alph.

I'm sure my WH will respond to my petition when I initiate it next yr .. after we've sold this house and I get my share of the proceeds.

He seems v eager to D. And get on with his life. Pretend we don't exist.

So.. I want to continue getting on the path of healing for myself... I want to recover from this - for my own future. I have v little hope left for the marriage.

WH's reality is now v different from mine and how I perceive reality to be. I can't say who's right. Coz to him, he feels and think he's very right. Who am I to question? Hence, it may very well be "true" that he no longer loves me.

I have v little grounds to question the truth of that as I am not perceiving his reality. I am not him.

With this, I admit (and I know many BS will feel this) that I feel unwanted, unloved/ unloveable, unrespected... discarded like trash from the person you love(d) a great deal.

How to you heal and recover from that??
How do learn to trust yourself again and love another person after betrayal?

To those who follow my thread, and are in the process of recovery for themselves or their marriage...what are the practical steps you take/ do to stop (can you really stop??) feeling so unloveable/ unloved?

I want to know...learn... move on...

~A