My wife of 11 years recently came home and gave me a letter that said she wanted "alone" time and in so many words didn't love me enough to stay married. I left for 4 days and went back to try to show her what we have is worth saving. We had a great week then I find out from her co-workers that she was having an affair. I confronted her and asked her to leave. After spending 2 nights in a local hotel she comes back home, we talk, she agrees to tell her "other" it is over and she wants to attempt to work it out. During our talk,I asked her to be honest about any other situations and she wasn't. She had another affair
8 years ago. He asked her to marry him and she ended it to give me a "chance". She claims they are friends now.
I knew in my mind it happened but had blocked it out.
She had also done this to her previous husband.

I still love her but obviously have major doubts we can go forward as I will always have the lingering thought that she will do it again.

Can anyone offer me a voice of reason?

Friend, there are many qualified people out here who can give you better advice, but a couple of things are clear. One, you're married to a serial cheater. She's taking little timeouts from the marriage for whatever reason she can gin up. Second, your only chance, if you really want to save the marriage, is to get her to go into couples' counseling with you right now. Good luck in whatever fork in the road you take.

Longhorn,

Thanks, she has had 2 individual sessions with a counselor.
Obviously, I have to get some help myself to sort out my feelings.

I too am married to a "serial cheater": twice on her last marriage and 3 times on me. We went to see a marriage counselor and the therapist told me it was time to face facts and to leave me wife. I was dumbfounded. Needless to say we are not going back to that therapist.

When you seek counseling, make sure you shop around and find a competent one.

Hello tryinhard11,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you joined our "club" of betrayed spouses(BS's).

The first thing to do is to go to counseling with a PRO marriage counselor, like Steve Harley here at MB(phone counseling) or check out your local phone book.If your wayward wife(WW) is being honest about it being over with the other man(OM) then you both need *professional help.Keep in mind though that most of the time,it is not over.Rarely is an affair(A) over with during the discovery stage.Be prepared for there to be contact.

Also,do you know who this OM is? If so and he is married,then his wife(W) needs to know as well.A no contact letter(NCL) should be drafted up and sent to the OM so he will hear from your WW in no uncertain terms that it's over and he should no longer contact her since she will be working on her marriage.We can help you with that.

Your WW will also probably need IC(Individual counseling) to find out why she finds it appropriate to keep cheating to solve problems or fill voids in her life.If she doesn't take a stand and address them NOW,she will keep doing it no matter who she is married to.We have some F(former) WW's here that can help her if she decided to come here too.Encourage her.

You cannot trust your WW right now so watch her actions.That speaks louder than words.Stick around and read all our concepts,especially about Plan A and check out our MB bookstore.We are here to help you from our own experiences.Be sure to take care of yourself during this painful time.If you aren't sleeping or eating well,talk to your doctor or counselor about options.

Other's will be by soon.Hang in there.

O

I think I followed Plan A very well. I calmly told her there was the potential for my forgiveness, but she needed to not waste time deciding which route she would be choosing. She agreed for us to have a chance the A needed to be ended. She "ended" it on 10/25, so how much time to I allow before I ask if she has had contact? She also indicated the OM had intended to end things as well. He is not married but has a live-in GF where he lives. I understand the potential that it is not completely over, but there is a long distance issue that will allow it to fizzle. She has also told me via email just today that she wants to find out why she repeats this "destructive behavior". I simply replied that she should tell the counselor that is her focus. She likewise questions why I love her so much and I simply told her to not try to figure it out, but rather enjoy it and let it infiltrate her.

Tryinhard,

""She likewise questions why I love her so much and I simply told her to not try to figure it out, but rather enjoy it and let it infiltrate her.""

Very awesome!! How can she stay away from that? You are keeping a cool head and doing a fine job of plan A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

Hi again,

When exactly did you find out about the A? Good job doing a Plan A already.Keep a time frame in mind and watch her actions.If DDay was on 10/25 as well,then you have only had a couple of weeks to implement Plan A assuming you also knew about it too.

As for contact,you express that it hurts you that she does that and you do not want it to happen anymore but the NCL is one way to give OM the notice that all the meetings and contact will stop regardless of how long distance it is.Miles do not always mean the end of an A since there are so many ways to be in contact these days.We have had many stories here of A's going on despite that.Contact always puts you back at square one so it's in the best interest of both of you to ensure it doesn't happen anymore but also recognize that your WW will go into withdrawal and that is no picnic either.That is the danger time for repeat offenses(contact).

Are you talking in person? Be prepared for flip flop decisions too.One day things look good and she wants to be with you and then the next,she is off and running again to OM(e-mail,VM,in person,whatever).

O

Timetable:
found out about A> 10/21
WW out of home 10/21, 10/22, returned 10/23 am
WW ended A with OM (in person) 10/25

As for her continued contact with OM, it would have to be via email or phone from work. I have kept her very closely under wraps at home. She has said she took his email address out of her hotmail and also outlook at work, but I am sure she can remember it so that is irrelevant.

Do I need to repeatedly ask her if there has been contact or should I contact OM directly?
I only have a cell phone #, no address.

She and I are living together, sleeping together and have been intimate. I brought up joint counseling last night and she indicated her individual counselor offered to assist us jointly. However, he has been divorced and thus I feel is anti-marriage. She did indicate it was more her problem since she has done it multiple times and not to just me. We talked briefly about emotional needs and then she said she was talked out, "emotionally drained". I believe I have failed her mainly in conversation and recreational companionship. Also in this is the fact I helped her raise 3 children from her previous marriage, with the youngest now 18 (empty nest issues?). Our together time before was attending the kids athletic activities. I told her we failed to adjust when the youngest graduated in June. Although I am not the best conversationalist, we have began doing things together (Cooking, cleaning kitchen), walking at health club, shopping). I feel this activity will lead us to conversations. She mentioned several items where I have failed her and they are all valid and fixable.

We are leaving for vacation this Friday and will be gone until next Weds. Any advice other than just have fun together?