Spouse says that some of the reasons I don't understand how his, spending time with, buying gifts for, going out for dinner with, dancing slow and fast with, "innocent"hugs, Kissing unromantically meaning nothing to him, is because I never dated while I was younger. I had male friends I would hang with but I was never serious with anyone other than my spouse.

He says he thinks this is part of why I am having such an issue with some of the things he did. Could that be part of it. I am concerned as he says I did not learn about hurts, break ups, and other things that come from a relationship through dating while young. Therefor my thoughts are skewed because of lack of experience. Mind you I am much older now.

The thing about this if its true I may need to rethink the age at which I let my daughters date. Am I setting them up for the same problems? At what age would you allow or have your daughters date?

Thanks

It may be that all these behaviors meant nothing to him (and how sad for him if that's true), but they still aren't the behaviors expected of a married man. Perhaps he meant that if you had had more experience dating, you would have recognized that he's a player and never married him to begin with? Yes, there are men who can lead women who mean nothing to them on, and yes, dating is one way to learn to recognize those men and avoid them, but I get the impression that that is not what he is saying. It sounds as if he is saying if you had your heart broken enough times , you'd have learned not to expect much in a relationship and settled for a husband who plays around. This may be true, but is it really the lesson you want your daughters to learn?

bjs, pardon me while I "vomit" over that juvenile nonsense and "justification" masquerading as "mature reason."

Your husband doesn't understand, or more likely CHOOSES to feign lack of understanding to "entitle" himself to behave however HE WANTS TO behave.

Marriage MEANS voluntarily GIVING UP the "rights" of a single person and "forsaking ALL others" for your spouse.

Your husband is thinking and behaving like a teenager, using his hormones to "jusify" his WRONG behavior. Don't you for one minute start thinking he is right in what he is telling you....just because HE thinks a premarriage life of "fornication" somehow better prepares you for marriage is right, he is WRONG and, in holding such a position, believes that GOD is wrong and he is right.

Mature? Sound reasoning? Not for a "New York Minute!"

God bless.

Hi Bjs,

I have to agree with the others here, and to answer your question about re-thinking when you allow your daughter to date, I think the longer she can stay in group settings as opposed to one on one dating...the better.

I agree with FH on this one, as I dated too much as a teen and I became a very screwed up young woman.

I know couples who have only been with each other their entire life and it seems they have a really good thing going.

My nieces (both beautiful/popular girls) never dated "one on one" until they went to university and they seemed to have really happy teenage years to me.

Although I don't know that you can forbid a teen to date, I am going to strongly encourage my daughter to remain with groups/friends for as long as I possibly can. If she doesn't date until she is 25, well that would be just fine with me.

I have to agree in vomiting right along with FH here, bjs. Your teenage years have no bearing on what he DID. Hogwash. What a ridiculous ruse to distract himself from the self-examination he needs to become the man you and he both deserve. IGNORE IT!!

As for my daughter, I can't FORBID anything, especially when other people encourage her to go against everything I've said. However, I have always taught her that she has no business dating until she's ready to marry--because in every definition I've found, dating is the search for a lifelong mate--and she's not ready for that in any way right now and won't be for a LONG time. What I have told her is that when you put yourself in grown-up situations and act in grown-up ways, you subject yourself to grown-up temptations. No one, male or female, is immune to that, and hormones are VERY powerful at this age and very blinding too; they can blur the senses (just ask every recovering FWS on this board) and make you believe you're doing something that's "okay" when it truly isn't. There's too much of life to enjoy during her teenage years that doesn't include her being alone with another hormonally-charged teenager. I know. Been there, done that, have the 15-year-old son to prove it. I married at 16. Wasn't ready. Should never have even attempted to think I was immune to temptation. Should NEVER have said "that won't happen to ME".

I STONGLY AGREE!!!


and to everything CKWife said too!!! about making you believe you are doing something that's okay when it truely isn't!!

this is a great post/point for all parents to read!!!

my DD just turned 16, i am thrilled she has no interest in dating yet. especially since i lost my virginity at age 14. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

i love the way CKWife put it... dating is the search for a lifelong mate. what a great definition.

As a guy, and one who has had the affairs, I can tell you he is trying to justify his past actions. Obviously those things meant something or he would not have done them. They were a pay off...maybe a pay off to get something in return.

As far as teens dating, I have never pushed my kids to date. I always encouraged group participation in functions. I think teens have enough on their plate without individual dating. By going out in groups they learn the interactions of guys and girls without feeling the pressure of being one on one.

Thank you alll soooo much. I am crying as I write this. I was starting to feel that my huge lack of experience in the boyfriend/girlfriend area made me less of a wife. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for keeping me straight regarding my daughters.

me too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> BJS, NOT DATING young is healthier IMHO than dating young. My DD knows my feelings on this and at this point (she is almost 13)plans to not even kiss a boy until she is serious about him as a future mate!

Oh my, what will they think of next to turn the tables on us faithful folks?

Of course your husband is full of s***. I would slap the pee out of him if I could reach him. What a load. That stuff might merit some end of the year award consideration.

My FWW dated too much, and it screwed her up a little bit too. Just fininshed battling some depression that was somewhat related to guilt she felt about being promiscuous when she was younger. The fact that I have known about her past all along doesn't mitigate her guilt at all.

I just don't understand the whole "guilt about dating too much" thing.

Learning to enjoy one's sexuality is as natural as learning about any other aspect of life.

I did not prevent my daughters from making their own decisions about these things, but we did maintain very open communications about them. I wanted them to have as much information as they possibly could to AVOID getting into bad situations because they were naive.

I had a healthy "dating" life as teen and I don't regret a moment of it. I learned a lot about myself and women (girls) in general - both emotionally and physically. Even then, I still think I was too young and naive to get married when I did.

I think that expecting your kids to remain totally and completely chast before they marry is akin to dropping a person who's never seen a car into the Daytona 500.

Dr. Harley also sides with the view that you should date several people to really come to understand what YOU want in a mate. You might have to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince...