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Neak,

There really is no predicting their behavior. Based on previous responses I never would have guessed he'd break down. The suicide piece is what really scares me. I think it is very common for both the BS and the WS to have those feelings, although at different times. I think the BS feels it after D-Day and the WS feels it at the end of the affair when the damage hits them right between the eyes. Infidelity is such a serious matter because of that and all the damage to all parties involved.

I have a friend whose husband had a midlife crisis affair and moved in with the typical 20 years younger bimbo. Long story but he moved back home 6 months later. It seemed to have a happy ending and they sounded like they were working hard in recovery. She was so happy to have a second chance with her longterm marriage. Well, I got a message from her the other day. Her husband had a nervous breakdown. On top of that, he is now out of work on disability (hasn't kicked in yet) Christmas is coming, no money, etc. etc. etc. It just never seems to end and go away.

I eagerly await the next installment of your Plan B. At least I know it has a happy ending. Take care.

S.


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
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Now that you mention it, might be wise to edit some of this. Although I'm sure AJ won't mind the rest of us reading all about it, I don't think he would want mom to know.

I don't even want mom to know.

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Oh well, she knew all the most interesting parts anyway, some from me and some from him. He knows she knows. And as far as the rest of you, I tooooold him I was writing this, and offered to let him read it if he wanted. Of COURSE he doesn't mind you knowing. (He would probably object if I brought it up during prayer and praise time.)

He did fail to mention the threesome to her, for some reason.

This might be a good time to mention that as soon as his best friend arrived, AJ gave him his gun and asked him to keep it for him for a while. It was about 2 weeks before he asked for it back.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Neak

6 months huh, you sound so much farther. I'm at 6 months and still a wreck and i didn't have a sliver of what you had to go to, in fact, some would think i had it easy. It is so nice that you have some support to help you through, no one really knows about my H's A exept my friends here on MB.

Okay, i want to hear the rest......:)

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That's good Neak. Somehow, since he has such a wonderful, classy and talented wife, I thought the OW wouldn't be an alley cat. Silly me.

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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You have such a talent for making people feel good about themselves. I am special, aren't I!

Yes, silly you. I learned in geometry that if a=b and b=c, then a=c. So if Gargamel=OW and OW=alley cat, well........

A small digression. In late February I drove alone to the Bay Area to meet some of the staff from the publishing company. They were having a big yearly event with all our church's bookstores represented, while they presented all the new books. Since I could go, they wanted me to help present my book.

On the way, AJ called me and just started to chat for the first time since January. It was a real epiphany for me of just how bad things had gotten. I was so used to short, unfriendly conversations that after a minute or two I started to feel agitated, fighting the urge to let myself go even though there was no reason to. I had to very firmly remind myself that I used to like talking to him, he used to like talking to me, and that this was a very good thing.

We probably talked for a half-hour or 45 minutes, by the end of which I was pretty well catatonic, and headed to LA instead of San Francisco. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Fortunately, I was only about 20 minutes off course and I had left very early, so I still made it on time.

The presentation went off without a hitch. (I laughed. I cried! It moved me, Bob!) No one there had any idea anything was wrong.

That day marked the second visible sign that there was a change. (The first change was from indifference to anger.)


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Shattered - your poor friends. I hope they can still find strength together and with God.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Neak -

Don't want to interrupt your story, but since you DO write, how about a book for women about saving their marriage after infidelity?

You sure have the background (both IRL and Christian) for it.

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Losttiger, it's all a matter of perspective. Many days I have read the stories of other people and said to myself, "I thought I had it bad, but look how much worse it is for them." Especially the ones where the A drags on and on and on.

In some ways I had it easier than most, especially in the way AJ bottomed out so fast and came back, but in other ways it was harder. We were so affectionate with each other, and so verbal in our loving expressions, right up until he dropped the bomb. It would have been much easier having his affections cut off suddenly if we had been more distant pre-A.

Don't beat yourself up thinking you should be farther along. It's a good thing nobody on this board can read my thoughts on a moment by moment basis. While I try to always be truthful, and to present an honest expression of what I am actually like, inside my head is often pretty scary. Recently that has been starting to get better, but is still often very hard.

Be patient with youself. This takes lots of time. (Note to self: that applies to you, too.)


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and double <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Neaksis just said that last night (about an infidelity book). She believes very strongly that I should do a smallish book on coping with miscarriages and fetal demises, and a book of whatever size on recovering from infidelity.

She makes a very good case. Both are very common, both are seldom talked about, and both have happened to me. I don't happen to have any shyness when it comes to discussing things that lots of people would not want to tell their own mothers, and that frank, matter-of-fact approach would lend itself well to both subjects.

We have both been very surprised that almost everyone we know has lost one or more babies. Some still can hardly mention it after 30 or 40 years.

Not many, like approximately none, have come to us to talk about infidelity, but I know it's out there and needing badly to be discussed. I could start the book about babies any time, but would want to be a little more secure in my recovery before tackling the other one.

I will let Neaksis do the book on child sexual abuse, but will consent to be interviewed.

I'm sure it was no accident that this idea occurred to you. I don't usually listen to Neaksis about this kind of thing until she has been nagging a while, but when I start hearing the same thing from several directions it makes me really think.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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So I came home.

AJ was in the bedroom with the kids, watching a movie. His eyes were glazed and bloodshot, his face haggard and old. As he held out his arms and I walked into them, he started sobbing again.

The kids were too busy watching the movie to notice when we tiptoed into the bathroom to talk. There were many tears, many hugs and kisses, and in between lots of talk about what we needed to do.

He was enthusiastically in favor of my boundaries.

Quote
1. Complete NC, and if contact occurs he must tell me. He thinks this will be easy, but when he gets up I will point him to Dr. H's articles on here so he can be prepared for the reality of temptation when it happens.

2. Honesty - total and complete. I told WH that if there was anything he wasn't ready to talk about yet, to just say that and we would come back to it later, but he has wanted to talk about everything so far.

3. Open-book policy - it was pretty close already, with me having complete access to his bank account and all emails, but there were several privacy fences up; one around his cell phone (or so he thought), and one around his IM. He knows I will be watching those closely.

4. Accountability for time - he offered to take me with him everywhere, and failing that to check in with me often and let me know what he's doing. In addition, he no longer cares if I access him on the GPS.

MC was also a high priority, but he had already talked to our lay pastor asking for counseling by the time I talked to him.

We discussed each of these in sufficient detail that I felt comfortable that he understood them and agreed with each part of them.

Then....close your eyes again Mom, but I seem to remember something about the sink. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

We slept so close together that night you couldn't have slid a knife between us, kind of like the stones of the great pyramids. I felt like a huge weight had been taken from me. AT LAST - THE AFFAIR WAS OVER!!!!!!!!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Those first few days were wonderful. I had my own H back, but even better than before, and Gargamel wrote me, shedding some further light on her mindset. I had been so curious of what goes on in the mind of someone like that, and finally got to see. Oh, some of it was pretty ugly, but in the rosy glow it didn't bother me much. And I got to share with her my feelings, and gently clarify a few points, such as that I did NOT take the children away from AJ, and he knew from the first time he got the letter that he would get to see them in a few hours. It was so helpful, therapeutic almost.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

My good advisors warned me immediately that this was a bad idea, and nothing good would come of befriending her. I immediately backed off and kept the rest of the C not unfriendly, but businesslike and uninformative.

In the last couple of weeks before the A bust-up, AJ had borrowed very heavily from her for equipment for a job, then instructed me to use the repayment from the job to cover payroll (instead of paying her right back), which was short because another company owed us an even larger sum of money. (Sorry, it was very complicated.)

Oh, Neaksis just got here. I'll be back later.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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I'm back - it is COLD here, and I had some sleeping bags and jackets to take to the field workers.

Anyway, I think you COULD write a book. One of my most favorite is by Ed Wheat, called "How to Save Your Marriage Alone", I think. It is not even a real book, more like a long pamphlet - 56 pages. I bought it on-line.

It is written from a Christian viewpoint, and includes the love story of Hosea.

But of course, he is a man. Neak, you have a unique way of writing, and telling the really hard stuff. I think you could be a great help for women going through this.

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Thank you, B. I am blessed that God entrusted me with this trial, and perhaps eventually I will even feel blessed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I know He wants me to use it for His glory, and perhaps that is what I am supposed to do.

I'll have to wait until AJ is ready to go public on an international scale, though.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Bwahahaaaaaaa!!!!! I think his story is pretty much on an international scale right now.

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*thoughtfully* So true, so true.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Save your postings in case you want to use them. You won't think so now, but you will forget what happened. I've been doing this for 3 years. It was one of the most painful things that ever happened to me. And I do remember that.

But now, I can't feel the pain like I did at first. It is just gone.

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Thanks for the words of encouragement!! I thought that i had read that you were pregnant, did you miscarry? I hope i am not overstepping the boundaries here, please tell me if i am. I have been away from MB for a little bit so I am catching up right now.
AND, yes you should be writing a book on this, i look forward to seeing you in the family aisle at the bookstore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

excuse my confusion but BELIEVER are you related to NEAK? you sound like it....hee hee

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Technically, no I didn't. I don't know for sure, but I think in some ways a miscarriage might have been easier. It is a spontaneously occurring event prior to the twentieth week of pregnancy.

What I had was an induction at 20 weeks, after finding out the baby was dead. It's kind of hairsplitting, but I'm a geek. I can't help it.

You're not out of line. Anybody can ask me anything at all. I can't think of anything I wouldn't be willing to answer, but if something came up I wouldn't be upset in the least, I would just say I didn't want to talk about it. I really, really can't think of anything, though.

The rest of the baby story is coming, and I will feel much better after I tell it, but I will finish this first. Writing really is like therapy for me, but when so many things happen in such a short time it is hard to vent fast enough. The A is actually still more pressing for me, and harder to deal with. Losing Dillon was and is sad, but still in a happy way because I was glad to have had him.

I was not in the least glad to have had a WH.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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"I was not in the least glad to have had a WH"

very good point!!!

So sorry to hear of your loss, I have a friend who went thru a similar situation. It isn't easy either way. What a beautiful name, Dillon. I will let you get on with your story, your therapy is mine too, thanks for sharing.

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