Hello, i have been studying this site since i found out about my wifes affair a few months ago. Just now decided to register and post. We have both read HN/HN and LB, done EN and rec companionship questionairres. In my case my wife has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and the reason for her affair is quite simply the fact that I am currently deployed to Iraq (i am a US soldier). Borderlines feel abandonement (she was only recently diagnosed with BPD, so i didnt know this would happen) very strongly, and while she held out as long as she could (she lasted 8 months), she finally cracked, and had a PA. We did most of the right things right off the bat, i had one emotional smei angry outburst, but then did a 2 day plan A that got her into NC. Unfortunately im back in iraq (have been for 2 months), and have another 3 mopnths to go. I am quite confident she will make it this time due to the therepy and what not, but my concern is me.

Since ive been back in Iraq, i have been talking to women online alot. i know this is frowned upon, but my wife refuses to give me the conversation and emotional support i need to get through this (she is always too tired or too busy). So far I have not allowed things to get out of hand. The minute one of these women gets emotional on me, they get one warning "I am 100% comomitted to rebuilding my marriage" the second time i go NC (personally i think its pathetic how i can talk to a woman for 30 minutes, and they tell me they love me). The problem i am having is forgiveness (she shows remorse, and its genuine, but its not enough for me, i want begging and apologizing, and teling me she wants me to stay.... but with her being a borderline (they intentionally do things to push people away), i probably wont get that), and recovering. I have never had a problem meeting women (i have met 3 very wealthy women online who want me to move in with them and divorce my wife), not only online, but in real life. I am 25 and we have no kids, married for 4 years (together for 5). Prior to the affair, the marriage was a fairytale marriage. She would agree, very few complaints (we used most of the techniques outlined by marriagebuilders already). She is exactly what i want in a wife. Prior deployments (the longest was 3 months) were no problem, and had she not had the affair we would never have found out she was a borderline because i am naturally a calm level headed person, so whenever she acted out (usually unfounded accusations, and illogical feelings...i.e. i forgot to take out the trash so i must not love her...?), i just figured it was hormones, and we got through it easily.

So my basic issue is wether to cut my losses, and look for someone else (im pretty sure she is as close as ill get to perfect), and settle for a faithfull second best, or accept the fact that it was her mental illness that caused this, and once im out of the army, and i dont leave her for months on end, life will go back to the heavenly bliss of the past 4 years (if i can ever get over what she did).

i have seen you people give alot of good advice over the past few months, and am interested in any you can give me. i really truly do love her, i am just so hurt.

Do you have children? How long married?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be. I hope you will post here and STOP posting to other women. Right now you are the biggest threat to your marriage.

There are many people here who have moved on after infidelity and have great marriages. That is what you should strive for.

Seems like u have an investment of love that is worth working on. Your question to us can't be answered by us. It must come from your heart.

As you can see there are a lot of 'desparate women' out there. This makes them psycho and dangerous to the rest of humanity.

Think about it, would you put your life in the hands of someone who in a few minutes can profess to 'love' someone they haven't even met? I don't mean the healthy kinda love, I mean that raw emotional out of control type of emotions that often get tagged as 'love' when it is really lust.

Cut out that on-line convo with strange desparate women stuff. In the days b4 computers.....they were known as 'hooker's. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Remember what you were taught 'bout talking to strangers'. Now while we are also strangers to you, this is a controlled environment and yes, there is a risk here also. So caution is still t/b exercised.

L.

I am not sure I have any good advise for you but I did want to respond.

I thank god for people like you that serve our country. You are the true hero's and I am sorry you have to suffer so much to do it.

Only you can decide if you should save your marriage. Some people can get past the infidelity and some of us cannot.

The thing that would concern me is that she could use that excuse now anythime she strays. I don't know what to tell you.

I know it would be hard on your wife when you are gone but it would be nothing compared to what you have to go thru with all of the danger and stife you see everyday.

Good luck and keep safe. I am sure this is a hard time for you and your wife.

Melody, your questions were answered in my original post.
As far as me being the biggest threat to my marriage... i think she gets that award for having an affair... i get a close second... mabye. As i said, i dont allow them to get emotionally involved, if they bad mouth my wife or tell me how much better they would treat me, they get warned, do it again, then they get iggy'd. I am just looking for conversation (its a very big emotional need right now, probably my biggest). I am smart enough to know after 30+ hours of conversation in 3 weeks with a woman going through the same thing as me with her WH that the "bond" i feel toward her is nothing even close to love. We cry on eachothers shoulders, share successes and failures, talk about how wonderfull our marraiges used to be...etc. But she is trailer trash, 20 yrs old 2 kids from 2 different men, no job, no education, no future... not my idea of a dream woman. But she is going through a similar situation, and we encourage eachother. I have tried getting her to this website, but she hasnt yet, so i explain the basics as best I can.
I will cut out the onine chat when i get home. I would stop it now if she would talk to me like i want her to. I feel that she should "Plan A" me, even though i havent yet done anything wrong, just to show me she still wants this marriage (she has done alot already, like enroll in therapy, MC, group therapy...etc, but not enough of the remorse that i want to see, she was basically like "I'm sorry, how can we fix it?" and thats the last i heard of her being sorry, unless i brought it up). I guess its a way for me to get the remorse and apology i want from her. Is it right... probably not, but if she is unwilling to give me the attention I need right now, then Ill find it else where, and i am not going to pretend to regret it, nor ask for her permission. Im here for her when she wants me back
You are probably right in advising me to stop chatting, i have seen you reccommend it to others in the past, but that is one bit of advice I CANNOT heed right now. Right or wrong, its better then trying to ease my pain by paying $10 for an Iraqi hooker. And based on the end of your post about caution being exercised, if we can exercise caution in here, we can exercise it on our own, we are adults, we know when something is crossing a line, and we should stop it then (thats one part of this whole thing i cant grasp is how easily we make excuses for our WS's, and blame ourselves for what THEY did, Im glad i have the scapegoat of a mental illness to peg her affair on)
ihadenough, thank you for your support. As far as her using it as an excuse again, she hasnt done it before, hasnt done it since, and im confident she wont do it agian (once im home...in the interim...?). And i am also slightly peeved at the term "excuse." Is getting your legs blown off by a roadside bomb an "excuse" not to walk...? No, because its beyond your control. She has a mental illness, she CANNOT control or understand her emotions sometimes. I am not about to try and explain the intricasies of BPD, i have read 3 books in two weks on the subject, and have a firm grasp on what my wife is going through. so i would appreciate it if we could abstain from accusing my wife of hiding behind an "excuse," particularly if we are uneducated about BPD. Which leads me to ask if anyone else here has a WS with Borderline Personality Disorder? Affairs are quite common with borderlines, so there must be some others here.

Lost. My brother was married to a woman with BPD. Your problems are far greater than just being deployed my friend. PM if you want more information.

Lost2her,
Borderlines feel abandonement (she was only recently diagnosed with BPD, so i didnt know this would happen) very strongly, and while she held out as long as she could (she lasted 8 months), she finally cracked, and had a PA.
It makes me sick that the mental health system will look for a "label" to put on Adultery... such as BPD.

If so all Adulterers are BPD.


Oh...and she felt abandoned because you were called to serve.
Oh poor thing.....I think you should turn that around to "she abandoned you."



but with her being a borderline (they intentionally do things to push people away)
The fact is is that WS usually always push the BS away prior to, during, and after the A, until they come out of the fog that they created. BPD...not necessarily. It would have been better to put the "adultery label" on it and deal with that.

But now they have her and you thinking she will have this disorder for the rest of her life, therefore making her think she is crazy and will be crazy the rest of her life.

End of story....

Prayers for you....and getting your needs of conversation with OW online is not the answer either.

Lady

Here we go again, i said i wasnt going to try and educate you on BPD (lord knows i dont know enough to teach anyone anything), but im not going to have my wife slandered.

First of all, not ALL adulterers are BPD, but the ones who cut themselves, attempt suicide, rage uncontrolably and for no apparrent reason (you forgot to take out the trash so you must hate me), and who make up their own reality to justify their emotions (all of this prior to having the affair), may well have BPD. The "FOG" you all speak of so often... a simple way to describe part of BPD would be living in that fog your whole life, and not understanding why you feel the things you feel. This fog is present from childhood, not only in the midsts of an affair.

Second, the mockery in your voice is quite disrespectful, unless youve had a husband who served in a combat zone, had ALL of your friends move back to their families while you stayed on at your job, living hundreds of miles away from your own family, AND had a mental disorder, i dont think your in any place to judge her. The divorce rate is over 80% with returning vets, mainly due to affairs. Are you implying that 80% of military spouses are just morally bankrupt? Or is it possible that a YEAR away from your spouse is alot to deal with and it takes an exceptional woman to do it.

Next, BPD is treatable, and recovery from it is possible. Noone said she will have it forever. She will recover. We are already taking steps to treat it. Had I known she was a BP proir to deployment, extra steps would have been taken to halp her, but we didnt know. Now that we are taking those steps, she knows that she cant stray again or its over. She had her freebie.

Lastly, if not from other people, and not from my wife then from whom?

BPDs are treatable, but not "curable"
She will have it forever. That doesn't mean it will necessarily dominate her life, but it will affect it always.

BPD can certainly be one of the problems here. However, my XW did all those things...it was not as mundane as not taking out the garbage or not but I certainly did not love her if she did not get her way. She too attempted suicide after she consumated her PA in Vegas...she did many things that she loathes in other people. I told her for years that she had "mental issues"...after our divorce she went to dr. for meds....he told her she did not have any mental issues...she was selfish.....and gave her AD's....

It was an eye opener...for her...and something she discussed with me after we began to reconcile.

Your sitch is quite different and once diagnosed it must be adressed. However, as with any illness second opinions are important!!!