Coping with the loss of an absent father

The lyrics to the song “Because of you” play in my head all of the time and I don’t want to screw this up my kids are too important.

It has been two weeks since my children have seen or even heard from their father. I spent all night searching the internet looking for ways to bring up my children with out their father. I just found all the horrible statistics of sexually active sooner, anger and crime.

Maybe I am over reacting but he used to be there heck he was Mr. Mom for the first year my dd was born and now he is just gone. I guess it was last month I told wh that his kids really miss him and even if he can’t see them to please try to call them and he agreed but true to a wh all words no action.

Does anybody have any suggestions? I think my ds is feeling a real loss of his dad he isn’t coming right out with it (I wish it was that easy) but his behavior is showing me something is wrong.

tdr

I am so sorry you are going thro this. They just do not seem to care the WS do they. Now think about this - is he able to answer a phone at work? I had my DS when they were little call their Dad at work just to hear his voice. It did help for awhile. He made promises that he just did not keep. They eventually did get used to it but it was ****** for them. They did not grow up bad they grew into the best young men. I am proud of my sons today. I worked hard and it was hard but it worked. You can give them what they need but they must come first at all times. I overheard my sons saying one time -"you know how Dad is but when Mom says she will do someithng she does it unless something big happens." That statement made me so happy. They understood I kept my word unless something big did happen. Like if the car broke down and monty was short. So I knew in my heart that they knew they had me. That is what they grew up to be men of their word. I hope this gives you hope.

Thanks realtor that is reassuring. I will do my best – it is hard but I am definitely there for them at all times.

We are always trying to be good parents even with an intact family and when this curve ball gets thrown It is hard because I am feeling a sense of loss too.

On the phone call thing – wh does not answer his cell it’s the only way to reach him I encouraged them to leave him messages a couple of weeks ago but I haven’t this past week.

tdr

Hi tdr,

I'm so sorry - it's difficult enough to cope with everything by yourself, but when you see your kids suffering it just about rips your heart out. (((tdr)))

My kids were smaller than yours when my H was AWOL. He went for weeks without seeing them - fortunately, they bought the official "daddy is at school" excuse. It also helped that I had been a SAHM.

What I found made a huge difference was making sure they were surrounded by loving adults all the time. Lots of time with grandmas and grandpas. Lots of time with my girlfriends (the official "aunties"). And lots of time with church friends - particularly with my male friends who had children of their own who were able to interact with them as a "daddy" might.

I found it really helped my kids' internal balance to feel as though they were part of this huge community of love. As a single mom, I found it difficult to be there all the time physically (much less emotionally and mentally). So I really learned to depend on my family and friends to help support me in raising my kids.

I was also very careful to never speak disrespectfully about my H in front of the kids and when I had to talk about him, to refer to him as part of our "family." Sure, we had discussions about different types of families, particularly when H and I were living separately but sharing custody. But the kids always knew that together my H and I made up their "family," no matter what.

To this day, I am amazed at how little external evidence of unsettledness I've seen in my kids. I'm sure, though, that it's much more difficult with older children who understand more of what's going on.

Blessings,

G

Hi tdr,

While I don't have a son, I have two daughters and what helped me was keeping them busy.There was a time when I couldn't get through to my WH either.He disappeared off the map and couldn't be reached.It used to make me so mad.I knew he was with the homewrecker and to see my girls saddened faces when they couldn't talk to him or he was supposed to call and didn't was so disturbing.

So I pulled myself up by the boostraps and played with them,we sang and danced,cooked,went to the movies,did crafts,etc.And also like what Griselda mentioned,having another man who can be influencial in your son's life right now might help by spending time with him, like a grandfather,uncle or male friend,etc.

Living by example too is also something I strive for.Yes my WH no longer is involved with us the same way but I am doing ok.I try to be upbeat and supportive.I am much more so now then when I was just trying to survive in the early months.

My girls are somewhat "used" to my STBXWH not being around as much anymore.In fact,when he calls and they are busy they always roll their eyes.It's almost like an intrusion into their lives.But that is what our life is like now without him.EOW visitiation/parenting time in hotels and being on the go,nightly calls for bedtime.So strange considering he was such a great Dad to them before.My home life is very stable though so I hope that is helping them feel secure.It appears to be.

Take care~

O

Thank you Griselda and October you both have reinforced exactly what I am doing and I will try to do more of the same. My kids are so lucky to have both sets of GPs involved as much as they can and I do have my ds in cubscouts which does give him some male influence. I worry about my ds she tags along to the cubscout meetings and she likes being around her grandpas I hope that will be enough for her to have a much healthier adult life than I am showing her. I am very stable though and we are busy with the cubscouts, church, me training for the marathon and of course school.

tdr