I have been engaged for almost 2 years. The problem I am having is moving into my Fiancee's home that he shared with his former wife. He is unwilling to move. How do I resolve this? I would marry him tomorrow if we could just start "fresh".

You know, I went through this. Fortunately for me, my husband had redecorated his bedroom after he divorced and bought new mattresses. There was nothing really feminine in the home.

If he's buying it sometimes isn't as easy as picking up and selling. There might be repairs to be made, or equity issues.

Would it make you feel better to make some decoration changes so that you would feel like the home was more yours?? I would absolutely insist on a new mattress! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for replying. We have already made some changes. More changes are in the works. It's the house itself right now...does it get easier? Do you ever think about their life together there?

My stepdad moved into my mom's house when they got serious. I think that it really became "theirs" when he built a huge garage in the back yard.

Is there a room that can be yours in "your" new house?

Yes, there is a room in the basement that I could turn into my craft room. I guess I just need to get into another frame of mind. I just cant picture myself there and am having a very difficult time. He is ready to get married and this is the only obstacle that is holding me back.

I'd like to ask something - please don't be offended.

Do you often have issues with "change"?

I have often resisted change (like moving, or when my boss wants to change a procedure), but have found that the change is better. Perhaps, if you have similar issues, it might be less about the house specifically, and more about the fact that it will change your life (moving in together then getting married).

When I divorced, I moved from the upstairs master bedroom into a basement bedroom and repainted the entire house. It went from blah to blue. My kids, then 2 and 4, chose the paint. Paint can do wonders. The house looked and FELT TOTALLY different. Years later, my fiance and his son moved in. They wanted to make their mark in the house I had shared with my ex. I didn't understand that, since it looked different to me, but they hadn't seen the before and felt vibes from the after that didn't feel like home to them. So we spent the first year of marriage renovating. If anything challenges a marriage, its renos! The house not only looked different --again-- but the elbow grease that H and SS put into the changes made the house theirs.

Did you know your finace when he was married to his wife? Do you have memories of them in the house together? Regardless, has he removed things from the house that are memories of the past? Is the house a home to his children, too? Will it be a home to yours?

If at all possible, do consider renovating. Even just paint. And do it yourself as much as you can. It was a good compromise for us.

On that note, though, just maybe much of the way the house is now is as a result of your fiance's own handy work? If so, he may be hurt by you choice to change things. Find out what parts he did. Maybe there are parts that you can change without undoing what he did to make that place "his".

Are you familiar with POJA?

Mrs. W8ing

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to live there. Your H will have a lot of memories of both good times and bad in that place, and there's somethign to be said for starting over.

This is also a tremendous opportunity to put MB principles to work, so that when you hit a really tough problem, you'll have an idea of what to expect.

in short, a little barometer of the potential of thigns to come.

In my own opinion, assuming that there is no huge financial loss, a couple should start fresh in their own place. But I can certainly see cases where that may not work.

Cat_A
I do find that I have an issue with change - and for the most part, when I've had to deal with change, it mostly works out for the best. So, I have given this some thought.

However, over this past weekend, we did discuss more of the house issue. His parents and siblings all live close. His sister just purchased some land directly to the North of him. He asked her if she would be willing to purchase his house (as she mentioned in the past, that if he was ever wanting to sell...) and he would then build on the other land. She would! Now, it's just a matter of his kids.

But, whaterver happens happens. At least I have something to set my hopes on.

Did you know your finace when he was married to his wife? Do you have memories of them in the house together? Regardless, has he removed things from the house that are memories of the past? Is the house a home to his children, too? Will it be a home to yours?

[color:"blue"] [/color] I did not know much about them as a couple. However, I had my share of her butting into my life at times. She took most of everthing, so there is not much left that was theirs together, and we have since added furniture and decorations. This is a home to his children (14 and 9). Mine are 20 and 17. My son (17) lives with me right now, and there really isn't room for him plus it would be somewhat of a commute. So, I have to finish raising him before we can actually get married.

Are you familiar with POJA?

[color:"blue"] [/color] I am familiar with POJA - and I totally agree with it! When I found MB (4 years ago) I have read and read and read! It has definately helped me in my life thus far.

Mrs. W8ing [/quote]

Well, he was to discuss the issue with his kids last night. I think they are opposed. He didn't mention anything to me this morning and I didn't ask. Wasn't really ready to hear.

I'm just struggling more than I expected to.

I never really think of them living there together as a couple.

coachswife -
So, did you ever struggle with the issue? Should I just take the plunge and hope for the best - that I would eventually come around?

At first when we started dating I didn't think about it. There weren't any of her things around- as he had had other girlfriends before me.

Before we got married we had some talks about it. He asked me how I felt. I think of the house as only what's holding the material things. What matters is making that house a home. His exwife never really did that. What mattered was our relationship.

Could it be that you're bothered by the fact that he was married before and the house is merely an example of that? Do you think he wants to hold onto the house as a symbol of what "they had"?? That's probably NOT the reason at all!

You cannot erase the mans past. It helped me somewhat that I had a past before- as I was married before. If he's divorced, he's always going to be married before you. You can't look at it like that.

I can't say whether or not you'll get over this. Only you can tell that. My husband and I are saving and paying off debts so that we can build our own house in a few years, one that will be new to us. In the meantime we're building equity in this one. Could you get him to agree to that and a timeline along with redecorating a bit??

I just feel that the home he has was built by the two of them for their life together. She had wallpapered just about every wall. They added on an addition along with an inground pool - again how they did this together. Her name is still in the concrete by the pool area.

I just seem to be the only one doing all the comprimising (IMO). I will have to leave my small hometown and move to an even smaller one 15 miles further from my work, leaving my kids (almost 18 and 21). For what? A 50 minute commute from a house I can't picture myself living in? I could do this/handle this if we started fresh (IMO)

I've come to a decision (I think). I will help him redecorate the house the way WE want it and he will have to give me a timeline as to how long he will wait for me. He seemed somewhat excited about building new until his kids (14 & 9) were asked. I think they are opposed - even though it would be within walking distance of the house.
I'm sure they would miss the pool - as this was a comment he also made (that he would miss it). It will not be brought up again by me. I realize the only discussion will be when/if I move into his home.

I can totally understand. He just needs to understand that I'm not ready to commit to something that my heart is not 100% sure of and don't know that it ever will be.

I just feel I would be "settling" and this is something I did with my first husband (20 years - married at 17).

Thanks for all your input.

Oh yes, I agree, don't go into this feeling as if you're settling!!

To you, this is about you're doing all the compromise. It does seem that way now that I have the full picture.

Good luck in deciding what's best for you!

How would POJA be applied in our situation?

You would need to use POJA to find a solution that you're both enthusiastic about. You would need to brainstorm together, and think outside the box!

If you stay in the house, what do you need to feel enthusiastic about it? A space for yourself? New paint throughout the house? New furniture? A loft over the garage where you can work on your hobbies? Something that would make you excited about moving into the house.

If you move, what would make your H enthusiastic about the new house? A garage? His own space? His choice of window treatment?

What about staying in the house with the new colour and selling once the kids graduate from high school? What about moving some of your family closer?

There is **almost** always a solution that both parties can be enthusiastic about.

Cat_A

He has stated that we can do ANYTHING to the house - so I guess it's just a matter of me accepting that he will not move and accept that we can work on the house together.

At this point, I'm not ready. Not sure how much time he is willing to wait.

I did tell him that once we get started on the changes, things may look better to me -