angry and it is started to concern me. after many years of knowing something wasn't right he is now seeing and admitting that the going out was dating(says he didn't realize at the time) and that he may have been pursuing her for sex, however he says it never went that far. He said he believed at the time that so long as intercourse was not involved he was doing nothing wrong.

I am not convinced it didn't go to PA cause he has lied about so much. He says he wants everything out in the open and wants me to keep asking questions. He doesn't want to go see anyone. However he appears to have a lot of anger building up inside him and it is starting to come out in ways it never ever has before. Its not all the time but becoming more frequent. He said its hard to look at himself right now that for the first time he is feeling guilt and he doesn't know how to process it.

What do I do now? I feel like the truth is finally coming out but not sure about the price of it.

U can get yourself some help. Can you call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling? Don't fret about the Xws not wanting to go to counseling. Most WS are fickle and change their minds often. Don't fret it. Just go take care of yourself. U need to get stronger to be in a better position to help him heal.

L.

angry at who and how...

angry at himself....enough dramatic anger that you back off and let him be the victim...

angry that he could harm himself...

angry at you...

what are we talking about here............

ARK

bjs, God bears all of our sins and gives US this promise, "I CAN do all things through Christ who gives me HIS strength." (a paraphrase of Philippians 4:13)

For better and for worse....we bear each others burdens as we each seek to change and walk closer with God through Christ.

It is NOT easy, but it IS "doable" in Christ.

God bless.

Drop me an email if you'd like.

Orchid,
Thank you, We don't have the money to counsel with SH however I am trying to find someone to counsel with. I don't feel very strong at this time, we have been dealing with this for five years now and I am running very low these days.

Ark:
He says he is angry at himself for the things he has done. Good question about trying to get me to back off it has worked for the moment. I asked him if he thought of hurting himself he said no. So far he has just been throwing things, not at anyone, though I got in the way once. I think some of it is anger at me though he says it isn't. I just don't know anymore, I thought I knew him after almost 20 years but I really don't know him.

ForeverHers: Email coming you way but from a different account. Thank you and thank you for the reminders!!

I really believe this type of behavior really needs an objective third party (counsel) because the anger can take on so many roles....

The anger can be a great tool in healing...but it can also be a defense mechanism to avoid and to lash out at others...

some use it too wallow in....as well as the guilt..

"see I am such a bad person..poor me me me..."

very trecherous waters.....

see if he's angry at past behaviors WHICH he has stopped ...then the anger serves no more purpose...

all of us have acted at times in our lives in ways that we hate...that we were once THAT person capable of hurting others or ourselves.....

and while we each carry some guilt or regret...there is also great rejoicing and great great thanks that we are NOT THAT person any more...

when younger I could be cruel for the sake of being cruel...

I hope I am no longer that person and those actions are not part of me today...
...and I never ever ever want to be her again.....

but I am not angry I was her....just sad....and if I could go back now...I would choose differently...

that is the great beauty of life...that we can change...


you should talk to him about this..

offer hope....
offer belief...

ARK

Thank you Ark:
I really believe for the first time that we need to talk to someone. I thought I could handle it and I was until this anger came in and now I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle his anger because I have never seen this in him in the almost 20 years we have been together.

I truly believe he is feeling incredible guilt for the things he has done. However the guilt doesn't match the behavior, I find the guilt he is experiencing to be so much more than what he has admitted to doing. Which leads me to believe there is more, however I could be wrong.

Is there ever a time where the guilt felt is more than it should be?

I also think he is using the anger to back me off, he used to use "I dont' remember" and now he is working on honesty so as the questions get harder and dig a little deeper he gets angrier.

He said he is feeling so guilty because of the pain he caused me during that time. I have for the most part dealt with that pain, now I'm dealing with the pain that after five years and him lieing to me about things and telling me how off my instincts were and almost convincing me of that that now he is telling me for the most part my instincts were right on. I guess I just want everything out in the open so we can move on with all of this but it seems to be like dragging one piece painfully out at a time.

I am trying to offer him hope and to encourage him that we can learn and move on. I guess I want to move on quicker than him at this point he says he needs time to process and I do need to give him that time.

However while I'm trying to help him heal and move on it seems I have to put the pain I'm feeling to the side and its starting to overwhelm me a bit and come out when I don't want it to. I want my kids to have a Merry Christmas and not see the pain I am in. I am trying to give my pain to God.

I've just never seen him become so angry before and not control it. Do I continue digging deeper or do I stop?

Is there ever a time where the guilt felt is disproportionate to what they say happened?

Would you suggest I keep asking the questions or do I stop?