I loooooove this part of your history!!!



That was awesome!!! What a MAN you are !!!

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Merlin2,

""As far as the OM wife is concerned I have evidence that she knows of the Affair which satisfies me she knows.""

May we ask what this evidence consists of??? Just verifying here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

I thank everyone for all the advice. I am home from work now and will spend the week-end with my wife trying to make new memories! No kids this week-end if you know what I mean!!!! I will check back in Monday when I get back to work. Thanks again and hope you all have a good week-end.

Long Week-end.... I would really appreciate hearing for any WW. I try and talk to my WW about what I call "Matters of the heart" with her and she just breaks down crying. WW says it is killing her to see me hurt. When I try to talk to her I end up feeling like crap and I have to console her that everything is going to be o.k. Should I just let everything just cool down? What is she feeling?

Merlin2

merlin,

Nothing much different to add. What I will say, if this makes sense, is not to let "recovery" get in the way of recovery. This process takes time. There are a few things that you can do to speed it up somewhat but there is a ****** of allot more you can do to slow it down. I agree that the wayward spouse (WS) needs to be accountable and answer questions that you have about her realtionship with the OM. At the same time the WS is fragile. It seems like your W is being forthcoming with info and willing to try and fix/repair/recover the marriage.

God Bless,

Doug

Thanks Doug,
I have in the past held my W in very high regard, respect and honor. This whole Affair is totally out of character for her. I put much value on personal integrity, values and morals. WW destroyed all the faith I had in her, yet she needs me to feel those things for her to recover. Do I simply fake it until I make it???

I wouldn't call it faking it. The things you are feeling are quite real and need to be shown to a point. You're sad, hurt, angry, depressed and etc, etc.... These are all things you can show but I gather from your description of things you W has a pretty good idea of how you are feeling. Don't stuff you feelings, let her see them with a little candor and don't beat her up.

The A's don't make your character change you change your character so you can have the A. It's a slow process slipping into an EA but I doubt it snuck up on your W. I would wager there were plenty of opportunities for her stop the slide but, for whatever reason she decided not to. Find out what this OM did for her. Why she felt so good around him.

All your faith isn't destroyed in your W because you are here looking for answers. Build on that if you can.

God Bless,

Doug

Hi Merlin,

It's funny you mention this because i was watching Dr. Phil a few nights ago on Larry King. When you are working at fixing your marriage, start dating again as you did before etc...I'm sure he has many of the same views as Harley.
He said don't go into it with the attitude of "fake til you make it." but with "behave your way to success." Just do it no matter how you feel.

It made sense to me.

Lady

Good advise, W just called @ lunch and sounded very upset. I ask her what was wrong, she said she just saw OM by accident in the building she works. They were walking down the same hall. She said he tried to step torward her but she didnt say a word and shook her head and walked quickly away and got in the car and drove off to call me. She was afraid I would be upset. I told her she had done exactly what I wanted her to do and this does so much in repairing the lack of trust I have been struggling with. I told her if he shows up again to just call me & ask him to wait if he wants to wait for me to arrive that will be great.

Behave your way to success

I like that.

mer,

When my lovely wife and I started "recovery" I kept looking for her to make grandiose gesture of love towards me. Truth be told, she probably didn't love me at all(romantically). I overlooked the little things, the baby steps she was taking.

Continue to make it safe for her to be honest and open with you. But remember you can always take a break, so to speak. If you find a conversation overwelming, let her know and take a step back or go run a mile or 10, whatever it takes for you to be able to calm down a bit.

It's a fine line to walk...don't rush things.

BTW, you're doing great!!

God Bless,

Doug

Doug,
Thank you for your words, I didnt really understand where you were coming from until I read your past post. I listened to what you said and wrote the folling letter to my W. It made her cry.

I have learned that virtually all of us believe that when we first fall in love and enter a marriage we believe it is like no other. We insulate our relationships from the possibilities of the dangers that exist in our friendships and work relationships by telling ourselves that because we are so in love or have such a strong relationship that we are safe.
I have learned that even in the strongest of marriages such as ours, thinking that way is a potential recipe for disaster.
I have learned that even the strongest person with values and integrity can slip into making small but fatal choices that lead to the destruction of happy marriages. Some make their choice based on years of un-happy relationships and others choices because of unfilled basic needs.
I have learned that not understanding each others basic needs and not fulfilling them contributes to the other person making small choices that they otherwise would not.
I have learned that some marriages have no foundation for re-building a marriage destroyed by an affair.
I have learned that our marriage has a very strong foundation by your willingness to stay and work through the anger and resentment I have had. As you said you made a choice with your feet, and your actions have equaled your words. This is a testament to your true character and integrity and your love for me.
I have Learned that re-building a relationship is hard work and that we both wish we had done the work earlier, but the effort we spend now will make us stronger.

What I hope for is that the days ahead will only continue to strengthen our new relationship.

I hope for a life together built on a new understanding of the dangers that can hurt our marriage.

I hope for a new set of happy memories that will erode the memories of the hurt we both have felt.

I hope for us to continue to try and understand each other’s needs and try and fulfill them in a way that does not leave us feeling empty and alone.

I hope for a life with you that fills each of us up with love and a passion for life and our future.

I love you

Wow. That's a powerful letter. Kudos to you. Given her attitude and yours, I don't see how you can do anything but suceed at building a beautiful new marriage.

You won't forget that you have your own issues to deal with. Over time, your WW's caring attitude should go a long ways towards healing your wounds. Best wishes.

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