WARNING ...I may ramble.

I really don't know where to start so I will try my best to give you all the information I can. I need to know if I am being crazy or not.

My husband and I have been married for 26 1/2 years. We married young we were CRAZY in love. We have a 25 yr old daughter and a 23 yr old son. Been through good times and bad times mostly good blah blah blah.

I have never doubted my husbands love for me. He has always been attentive, romantic and loving.

My husband works in an industry in which he may or may not have to travel. He doesn't do this frequently but at times needs to travel to different areas to work. So, in his industry there are also people that travel and work with him when he is working in our area.

My husband and I talk alot and we usually do this on our "road trips" . We just get up on a Saturday and hit the road go for a ride to a winery or go shopping and a movie. On one of our road trips DH told me about a women who was leaving work to go back to her area. All the coworkers stopped for a cocktail or two to bid farewell to her and others who were leaving also. He told my she confided in him that night about her teenage daughter being pregnant and how her daughter wnated to keep the baby and she was concerned. End of story. ...or so I thought. This happened in May or June of this year I am not sure when but it was early summer.

At the end of summer we got a new computer and switched our provider . I was helping my husband transfer his e-mail addresses to his new account . He "mentioned" that one of the addresses was this women who confided in him. I really thought NOTHING of it. My husband has many business contacts and in his business the more people you know the better chance you have of obtaining work. so I am assuming they keep in contact through e-mail.

Last Monday I went into our cell phone account ( innocently) to find out when our contract ran out. Our cell phone bills are on same account. I noticed many calls to a strange OUT of TOWN number from his phone. So curiosity got to me and I checked back as many months as I could. I went back as far as April. Since AUGUST he has been calling this women 2-3 times a week. Always at lunch and when he is driving home from work. He has NEVER called or recieved a call from this women while I was peresent. I also checked his address book in his phone before I confronted him and he didn't have her number stored. I found this odd because if you are calling someone about business that many times a week wouldn't it be easier to store the number? Especially since it is an out of state number.

I confronted my husband and told him the truth about how I found out and he assured me NOTHING was going on. I asked what they talked about and he said business and family and stuff. I told him I though it was unappropriate . I also told him that if he thought Nothing was wrong with this why didn't he mention his contact for the past 4 months to me. He has had plenty of opportunities. I asked him to stop. I asked him to put himself in my position and would he feel comfortable with me having conversations with another Man without his knowledge. He said no he would not. He said he absolutely thought there was nothing wrong with it and would tell her that they would not be talking anymore.

Doing research on the subject I found out about EA( emotional affairs ) I had never heard of them before. I am now wondering if this is his situation.

Since this happened I have been literally going crazy inside. I know I have probably taken my husband for granted and though I know I loved my husband . I REALLY know I love him now! If anyone saw the movie SPANGLISH I kind of did a crying jag like that one night.

I am hoping that this was innocent and this will be the end but I also want to be cautious . I am trying to change and be more attentive and caring because after almost 27 years I took him for granted.

So I guess my questions to anyone are:

Was I right to ask him to stop the phone calls?
Do you think that he is possibly having an EA?
Hoiw should I handle the next few weeks...I would love to know the extent of what they talked about and as much information as possible but I don't think I should pressure him.

So all week since I confronted I have been trying to be extra caring and affectionate. It is hard because their are alot of unanswered questionss. Yesterday I discovered 2 e-mails from her sent Sunday night. The first e-mail was a typical Merry xmas download that she thought he would enjoy and then 10 minutes later she e-mails him that her mother passed away that afternoon. She thanked him for all his words of "support" and told him what a great friend he was ( Gagging as I write this). Anyway I just find it strange. I know if my mom had passed that last thing on my mind would be sending e-mails out to peole wishing them a merry xmas....a funny one at that. The other thing that has me upset is WHEN did he offer her words of support because he told me last week he was going to tell her I thought the "friendship" was innappropriate and they were not to talk anymore.
Any words of wisdom or advice appreciated. Thanks in advance!

Get and hide all info you can on this. Is OW married? If call her H. Expose this now. I also recomennd thhe book Not Just Friends by S. Glass. I wish I had bought his one sooner.

I wish I could offer you words of wisdom. I am so new here also. I will tell you that you came to the right place. There are so many here who can give you so much help, support, and information.

Well I guess my instincts were right on that account . I have already started a file. I have a knot in my stomach and can barely function through the day.

Thnaks for the input.

ritz, you did exactly the right thing. Your H is having an EA, which would likely lead to a PA if not caught early on. I would suggest watching him like a hawk in the future to make sure it is truly ended.

I will tell you that his lack of candor about their conversations will tell you if he is finished or not. If he is done with the EA, he should have no trouble telling you what they spoke about. If he is holding out hope for a resumption, he won't want you to know. However, your marriage cannot ever rebuild trust as long as he has secrets with the OW to which you are not privy.

And he should be made to understand that his actions have greatly harmed the trust you have for him. A good first step would be to send the OW a letter telling her not to contact him and that their relationship was a mistake. He should never be in contact with her again. The letter should me mailed by you. Here is a sample.

Dr. Harley's (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Though you asked him to give her up it is not the nature of affairs for him to just do what you ask or what he says he will do. The movie Spanglish is not real. Your Adam Sandler will most likely not give her up but try to be more careful about contact. You were right to confront him and snoop into his privacy...it's your life too and you have a right to know about your husbands behavior that affect you.

Monitor his email and if the cell phone calls continue than go to radio shack and purchase a $50 or so Voice Activated DIGITAL voice recorder with cash (no credit card paper trail as this may not be legal in your state). Hide the recorder in his car up under the driver or passenger seat. You'll likely get all the "proof" you need then some. Take a few days to accumulate it and develope a plan to bust up the affair. No matter what you hear your marriage will most likely be saved. WS's say the darndest things to keep the secret illicit affair going and the OP interested...don't internalize anything you hear...it's all fog-talk. Just bust him and get past the denial stage.

You ask what is the denial stage...He will not tell you the truth about his relationship with this woman so don't bother pursuing the truth from him until you can bust him with a little more FACTS than you have. Getting him to fess up will be more difficult than you think and unlikely to happen without proof. You will not be giving up your source (the recorder/keylogger, etc.) cause you will need it to monitor future contact so you will need a bluff plan on how you obtained the information.

It will be OK. My wife's affair was long distance as well and I believe these are sometimes easier to bust up as there is much more fantasy involved than real contact.

Like you, I hope that there is nothing more than an inappropriate friendship at this time. These friendships can and do escalate out of control all the way to a Physical Affair if the parties are given the opportunity. Be hopeful for the best and prepared to hear the worst.

Read up here and post. We will help you get a plan and implement it. Get the books and read up.

You will make it.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks again all for the input

I think it would be highly unlikely that he will call from his cell because he now knows I will be checking the bill.

I don't think a recorder in his car will do now.

Believe me if I thought it would work I would do it.

I am just so hurt by this betrayal. It is almost too much to take and especially this time of year. He is being sooooooo nice now and affectionate since last Monday. This is really hard!