I can't believe i'm here posting on an infidelity board. I'm truly stunned right now and would just like to talk about this with someone and get some advice on how to proceed.

Yesterday my H and I were getting ready to head out for Christmas dinner and I noticed he had a text message. It was from a number not in the address book of his phone so I read it thinking it was a 'junk' text. Well it just said 'yeah'..hmm, my husband rarely text messages and i had red flags flying right away. So I look at his outgoing calls and see that he had called this same number early in the day while I was still sleeping. Slueth that I am, I did a reverse look up and found the number was a cell number registered to someone in a area where H works (he drives a truck and one of his terminals is in this city). Later in the day I blocked my number and called the number...it went to the voice mail with a woman's message on it. I just felt my heart fall at that moment, I knew this was bad.

Just for more information, my H has not been acting 'differently', he tells me he loves me all the time,,is affectionate, and there was no clue to me what has been going on.

Well, we came home from my parents house and I was feeling really really hurt and confused. I couldn't help the tears and he noticed. I just couldn't bring myself to say the words yet though...He kept asking me what was wrong, hugged me and eventually started kissing me very passioately and asked me if I was still 'in love' with him. He said, 'I know you love me, but are you IN love with me?' I said yes I am and asked him if he was still 'in love' with me...he said..yes, I always will be 'in love' with you...more kissing and we ended up having great SF. Something just told me not to say anything about what I had found right now, and I just tried to show him how much I do love him.

I woke up about 3:00 a.m. and couldn't sleep, so I got up and got out the cell phone bill...I can't even describe the sick feeling that came over me as I realized he had been calling this women 2 and 3 times a day. Every night that he was on the road. Some of the calls were like 71 minutes, and several short calls in between. I also found about 6 texts that he had sent.

I went' back up to bed and ask him if he was awake...he was groggy and said...'what?' I said 'who is Beth'..he's like 'what the ****** are you talking about, it's 3:00 in the morning! Beth?' I said well that's the name that was on the voicemail when i called the number. I told him that I was checking on our daughters text message count and noticed that he had sent a bunch to the same number, so I looked closer and saw all the calls. He then said, I'm not talking abotu this at 3 a.m. So instead of turning it into a fight, i let it go and lay there till morning.

Came down and made coffee and waited for him to wake up. When he finally woke up he said 'now what were you talking about last night?' I said, I told you, i see that you're talking to this woman multiple times a day and I want to know what's going on. 'It's just a friend' was his response (surprise on that)...I said it's not just a friend when you talk that much. He said 'i'm sure she would like it to be more, but I love you'... I was hurting so bad that I didn't react with anger like I thought I would, just cried and ask him what was going on then, I said I trusted you so blindly and I can't even believe this is happening, and he kind of got angry (i think at himself) and said, I don't know why i'm doing it, I don't understand it myself, and I knew all it would do is hurt you. I don't want that, I love you. I hugged him and asked if it was more than phone calls and he said NO..I'm not having an affair. I said yes you are and you know it, even if it is just phone calls, it's betraying me and the absolute trust I had in you. He was on his way out to work (won't be back till thur) so we didn't have much time, which i think he was happy about. But he said he was sorry, he didn't know why he kept talking to her, and it was a stupid thing to do. I asked him if I had to worry all the time now and he said, no..it's over. I said well,l I hope you tell her to quit calling you also, don't think I won't go down there and F her up. ( I know I probably shouldn't have said that, but i meant it)...I ask him if we were ok..he said yes we are, we need a little work, but we're ok. I said we obviously do need some work, I just don't want this to get 'bad' it needs to end before things get out of control and you do something you can't take back, because I won't live with this feeling, I never want to feel this way again.

He left, told me he'd call me soon and that was it. Here I sit, typing this monster post so I could get it out before I imploded with the pain. What next? Should I ask him tonight if he talked to her and told her it was over? I don't want to nag about it, but I want to make sure it's done. I'm tempted to text her and tell her to stop calling my H, but I don't know if I should. I know about plan A and will be doing that naturally. But what else...I need to do something coz this hurts so bad I can't stand it.

Sorry this is so long, if you got this far, thank you, and thank you for any advice or help of any kind dealing with this.

I really want to call or text this person and tell her to stay the F*** away from my husband. But I don't know...something tells me it would be a bad idea, but I feel like she needs to know that I will be fighting if she thinks she can keep this relationship up.

(((This_Hurts)))

I am so sorry you are here, but this is the best place to be under the circumstances. Don't do anything based on what I say, because I screwed my situation up pretty good. But, we started in the same place as you (busted on text messages, he denied a PA, said it was all just a stupid thing and it would stop immediately). If I had to do it all again, here are the things I would do differently.

1. I believed that he could say anything truthful in the days after D-Day. When he said it was nothing, I believed him. Now I know that he was professing his love to her hours before he got busted. Getting caught did not change his feelings for her, it just made the lies start.

2. I spoke poorly of OW, which made him defend her, which really pi$$ed me off and the cycle started that I became the dragon and she was the damsel in distress.

3. I did not grasp that I was going to have to work my butt off to woo my WH. I mistakingly thought he should be a little sorry and try to woo me - uh, no. I had already lost and did not know I was in for the fight of my life.

Read everything here, not just the forums, read the literature. Read the books listed in the website. Plan A is for busting up the A, you will have to woo your WH. Find out as much as you can about OW, but do not put WH in a position to defend her (I used words like troll and predator - not a good idea) Try to stay calm and positive. I felt threatened and scared and my WH has no resources to reassure me. Buckle up and hang on for the ride.

Do you have kids? Do you have any idea what was lacking in your M? How is your phone relationship with your WH? I needed to learn how to give "good phone", that is what the OW had on me. If this is truly just a phone thing, maybe you could learn to fill that hole for WH.

Stick around, people with great help for you will be by shortly. Again, sorry this happened to you.

Do you know who this woman is?? Have you done a search on the phone number? I wouldn't deal with her at all right now, but I would be gathering info.

I know exactly how you are feeling. The same thing happened to me a few weeks ago. I am too new to advise you, and there will be other more experienced people along to help you soon. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and the people who will post to you are great. They will have lots of information and ideas for you.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this sitch.

I am so messed up in my own sitch I am prolly not one to give good advise.

The biggest thing in my book is communicate!!!!! If your H is willing to talk, then talk until you guys use up all your minutes and then some! Try to be calm, no LB's, and listen carefully to all he says. What do you HEAR? Ask for clarification of all things that make no sense. If H has "not much to hide" other than a "friendship" he should be able to provide you with proof of that and whatever else it is you ask of him. If he is hiding things, what he says or how he reacts wont add up. Question EVERYTHING and listen closely.
Figure out what you need from him, what he needs to do, to reassure you.

In my OWN sitch, I wish I HAD been MORE confrontational and agresive towards OW. I just didn't know enough then as I do now. My biggest concern was to "win back" my H and his heart. Can't do that by LB'ing and reacting all "psycho".
I killed him with kindness and affection and held my head high after the initial shock wore down (3 days). I plan A'd before I ever knew what "plan A" was. But there was so much confusion and I was walking (still am) on eggshells.

A month or so after D-day I found the book "Surviving An Affair" at the library and this web site. I have read and re read and found many posts here to be very helpful and supportive.

Hang in there.

Thank you for the reply Jean. I know there are things that could better in my marriage, especially SF. I work two jobs, he is on the road most of the week and I know that I have neglected that need of his. I felt sick when I read that your H said the same things mine did. I did believe that it wasn't a PA..but then I believed that he would never do this to me either. It scared me when he was saying he didn't know why he kept doing it when he knew it was stupid, it reminded me of the 'addiction' I've read about on here and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to watch him withdrawal from this woman. It makes me want to throw up each and every time I think about it.

I am so sorry you are having to come to the MB site for infidelity. You will find it a a great place for support and you will learn a lot to get you through.

First, go buy the book Survivng and Affair by Dr Harley. Read as much as you can today. Read the site -all the articles on infidelity.

If the book is available on CD, buy it for your husband for his truck. His Needs Her Needs is I know.

Thursday is a long time to wait to have this conversation in person. I know there are some real MB pros who will give you good advice.

Many people do not believe that is SF is not a part, there is not an affair. There is. You said that really well when you told him it was betraying your trust.

How long have you been married? Do you have kids? How many and how old are they?

My FWH did not seem any different, either. It hit me out of the blue. There is hope. If he says you need guys need to work on your relationship, then I see that as positive.

I think if I were you, I would call a lot today. Don't talk about this as you would hate for him to get upset while driving. But call an dchit chat- that will be hard, I know - however talking to you will keep him from talking to her.

One thing I did was put up my photo in his office along with photos of the kids. He did most of his talking and internet chatting from the office. I wanted him to see me when he was in his office. Reminders, you know.

I know it hurts so bad, but I see some hope here with him wanting to work.

Keep posting. Someone is ususlly here if you just need to occupy some time.

thishurts, first off, your H should agree to NEVER EVER speak to her again. He should send her a letter telling her to never contact him again. [his reaction to this request should tell you alot about where he stands.] Sample letter below. I would call him now and ask him to respect this request. He also needs to give you details about the affair so you aren't sitting there in the dark.

You might want to give the OW a call and have a little chat if you think you can be calm. Tell her that your H told you about their affair and is going to end it so he can work on your marriage. Make sure she knows you are married and have XYZ children.

This is a beginning. You have lots of work to do to find out what has happened in your marriage that caused him to become so detached. Please go get the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley at the bookstore. Reading that book will help you understand much of what we tell you here.

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Can you track his cell phone calls online to see if he is calling her?

2. I spoke poorly of OW, which made him defend her, which really pi$$ed me off and the cycle started that I became the dragon and she was the damsel in distress.
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This is very true. Happened to me too

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm not sure what advice I have but I hate to leave a first post unanswered. You've come to the right place. Had you known about MB before or lucked out Gooogling for something to help you. (Personally, I searched for cheating husband and came to MB.) I'm glad you're here.

Your post dregged up all of the new, raw feelings that we all have on D-day. It's painful to read posts that bring back those horrible days. D-day on Christmas Day is particularly cruel.

I'm sure one of the successful vets will be alone soon and can give you better advice. Read through the stuff on Plan A on this site. It isn't always easy to find but quite useful. Melodylane has a great link on her posts. Read the post on Just Found Out about what all of the initials mean.

Find out as much as you can right now about the situation. Do your snooping. Do not reveal your sources to your WH. Protect yourself. Is it a physical affair or just an emotional one? Snooping feels dirty but is necessary. You really need to know what the situation is.

Go into Plan A mode which is improving your behavior and making a warm, welcome place for your WH to come to.

As far as texting the OW? Most vets will probably tell you not to do it. I contacted the OW in my case. It made me feel like I had some control but was useless. OW don't listen. Do you know this person? It may help if she knows that your H is married. I'm afraid I'm more proactive than some. If something serious is going on, she'll just run off crying to WH. That will not help your case.

Good luck.

Just another thought, one thing I have learned here is that having an intimate "just friends" relationship with the oposite sex is NOT acceptable.

And what Jean says in her 1st post about not "bad mouthing' oW is real big! My H gets very upset if I say the slightest derogetory comment in OW's direction. How sick is that? Very.

{Do you know who this woman is?? Have you done a search on the phone number? I wouldn't deal with her at all right now, but I would be gathering info.}

All I know is her phone number, first name, and that she lives in the same city as one of his terminals. I'm pretty sure she probably works there.

{I spoke poorly of OW, which made him defend her, which really pi$$ed me off and the cycle started that I became the dragon and she was the damsel in distress.}

This is the reason I hesitate on contacting her. I dont' want to put him in the position of defending her to me.

To answer your other questions, we have been married for 23 years and have a D-18 and a S-20. My H and I talk on the phone every day when he is gone, but I have to admit we've never 'done phone' although we've talked about it. I don't know and I'm not sure I want to know if that's how their conversations were. I will definately be calling and texting him more and making a lot of other changes that i'm aware need to be made.

I was thinking about texting him now and telling him that I know I've taken him for granted, and i'm sorry and will not be making that mistake again, tell him I love him..
should I?

You can be strong enough. You have to dig from deep within, but you can. You may have to lean on all of us here, but you can. I told one friend. I needed someone to help me through and had not found the site. I did not have to do the plan A plan B stuff as his A was already over, so I can't help you much there. I also did not expose for the same reason.

I understand from the site that that is very important if the A is ongoing.

Is there anyway you can plan to go somewhere for th wweekend just the two of you? My H works a lot and I work 3 different part-time jobs, so I understand how time consuming that is. Dr Harley recommends going away together. I think the change of locale helps as well as nothing to focus on but one another.

Check priceline for somewhere close. You can sometimes stay for less than 40 a night. We have stayed in 4 star hotels for 50. Consider it an nvestment in your marriage. By Friday, you will be well read and you will be armed with the best advice to help your marriage.

My FWH denied the A the first time I asked. However, the next time - about three hours later - he came clean of everything.

Keep your head up and get busy reading.

I know it hurts - 6 years ago it "started" for me with a few emails from WH to her, and a few phone calls. I was hurt, lashed out, demanded he stop - I guess I did everything wrong.

Take the advice here - read the books, engage your DH in conversation, don't lash out, don't threaten or make demands. Get into some real counseling and discover the issues.

It may be that your DH feels lonely on the road - his conversations and text messages help him fill the time. SO waht can you do - Call him and talk sweetly, engage him in fun phone calls, text message him sweetness. And leave the hurt and anger out of it. Try to fill his love bank with you!

I don't feel like I am a very good one to give advice right now - to much to attempt in my own life. I wish I had kept my head and emotions under control these last few years. Perhaps things would be different for me.

Best wishes dear one - wish I could reach out with a hug - been right in your shoes - and I KNOW it's hard.

Jan

Also, if your H persists that she is just a "friend" suggest inviting her over for dinner Friday to meet you and the kids at your house. You can all be "friends."

It may help you to know that all wayward spouses act pretty much the same. It's like there is a script that they all follow. Scary but true. After my D-day, there were times that the vets on this board told me what my WH would do BEFORE he did it.

This is the time to be calm and not for love busting.

On the "giving good phone" thing, I am not talking about phone sex (although I am not opposed to it) My WH spends alot of time in his vehicle and he would call to chat and I sounded busy (I do have two kids that I homeschool, so yeah, sometimes I am busy). The thing that OW did was just to sound so glad to hear from him. I can see how exciting that would be for him. That is how his A started. Someone who just cooed at him.

Recently, a friend of mine was confessing about an old A he had. He said "she was just so easy to make happy and I couldn't seem to make my wife happy". That rang true for me, I am not sure that my H knew I was happy. He said the only time I smiled was during SF.

I only talk about the "good phone" thing because it would have been such an easy fix if I had known what I was dealing with.

Wow, thanks for all of the support everyone.
I'm still in shock at the moment so please excuse me if I leave a ? unanswered or repeat myself.

He has called me twice already since he left. I've been pleasant and not mentioned anything yet..I know my H and I know he will react badly if I'm 'nagging'. I think the calm, 'head held high' approach is all I can handle right now anyway. I want to believe that he will end this like he said he would, but something tells me not to get too comfortable with that thought. I think he really was remoresful when I confronted him, but I don't know yet how deep the addiction has progressed.

I have read here on MB off and on for a while, so I'm familiar with the basics of the plans. I will definately be going out and buying surviving an affair today, and his needs her needs also. H is not much of a reader, but I think since he acknowledged that we need work, he may be receptive to reading it.

I can only track the calls he makes after the closing date on the cell bill. So far I have up to December 13 and there was contact as far back as Sep. I noticed a drastic increase in the length and quantity of calls in the last month though. I'm praying that I found out about this in time and he really will end it so we can work on us.