<It sounds like he's trying. Tell him you are glad he told you about it.?

I actually did do that confused..I said..I'm really glad you're trying so hard..it means a lot to me...

my H used to come up on me when doing the dishes, etc. like that too..unfortunatley that stopped once I started this second job..just another reason I feel the need to quit...

Hang in there this_hrts. You can do it.

You've loved him for years, and it may help if you remind yourself of the many good things you've shared. I know, right now it feels like it's all been rotten. That's revisionist history. Go back and remember a few weeks back - to how you felt about the good times before this shock came to light.

I think you should steel yourself for more discoveries. I hope not, but I think it's realistic to expect more. That's the way these things work. Whenever you get a new shock, I think you would do well to be firm in your stance for your marriage and against adultery. Be strong, do Plan A. Kind, cheerful, attractive, but also firm. Not too lovey-dovey, but not cold and remote either. Let him admire you for your beauty, attractive personality, your love for him, and your strength in your convictions for your marriage. I'm glad you aren't being a pushover; not many people respect weakness.

As your WH remains contrite, you can be working on forgiving him. But watch out for that nasty turn that these things sometimes take - WS can go from contrite to belligerent and hostile in the blink of an eye. If that reversal doesn't happen you are blessed; withdrawal and recovery should follow. If that reversal does happen it would mean you have a much larger challenge keeping your M intact.

With God all things are possible.

Well, tomorrow will be a month since D-day and it seems like forever...we've been through ****** and back since this all started, but I think (please God) that we are on the right track finally.

H has done everything I've asked of him so far (except for one contact with her that he claimed he needed to do to reinforce to her that we are working this out and we couldn't do that if they stayed friends) Apparently he saw her at the terminal a couple of weeks ago and she was asking him if they could still 'talk' etc...I knew he was at the terminal at that time and he stayed on the phone with me for the majority of the time he was there, so I do believe him that he was trying to avoid her. There's no way for him to avoid seeing her when he goes there because she is the shipping clerk. He is looking for another job at the moment and considering he can't just quit this one until he gets another, we've agreed that if/when he has to go there, he will stay in touch with me while he's there. He's been very sweet about that, and I do tell him how much I appreciate it. For the moment I have to believe he's being real about that. He didn't have to go there last week at all, and I'm praying that he won't have to go there this week either. I'm really not being niave about this and know it's dangerous for them to have any contact, but for now I have to hope for the best and keep my eyes open...it's possible that I may be able to go with him next time, and if I can, I will...

Looking back now, I can see he was still 'foggy' for the first couple of weeks after D day even though I tried to convince myself that he wasn't. Two weeks ago I went on a run with him and I believe that was a turning point for us. I didn't bring up the A or any relationship talk the entire time, and we were just 'us' for those two days...he actually found out on our way back that he would be going to 'her' terminal the next day, we talked about me going with him and he said he had no problem with it if that's what I wanted...I told him that I appreciated that he felt that way, but I had said that I was going to trust him and I would, he said and I said I wouldn't f*** you over again and I won't...This turned out to be the time that she asked to 'stay friends' and he told her it wasn't possible, so I think our time alone came at the perfect time...when we got home, I could see the love for me in his eyes again..not just guilt like I'd been seeing before that, but love. A day or so after we got back we had a good talk about our relationship and we both acknowledged that we'd gotten lazy about our marriage, we filled out the EN questionaires and as I suspected conversation was his #1, he acknowledges that he was just as lax as I was in meeting that need of his, and when she came along and became this great source of conversation and admiration to him, he got caught up in the feeling of it and let it get out of hand. He still claims no PA...but I think PA to him is sex, and I haven't pushed to find out if there was kissing, etc...at this point I don't think it will do me any good to know that. I'm trying to put the past in the past like Harley suggests in SA and to get past the resentment I feel over his A...looking at old phone bills and analyzing his logs, matching them up with the calls, etc...was just tearing me up every day so I'm trying to stop doing that...

We had a really good talk last night and although parts of it were painful, I think it was good for both of us..he told me that he did care for her during the A, but that he knew that he didn't want to lose me...he said "If we hadn't been able to turn our marriage around, and I beleive we have turned things around and this is going to work out, I can't say that I would have stayed"
So I can thank this board and Plan A for saving my marriage, except for some rough moments when I let my resentment show, I lived the His Needs, Her Needs Book and the advice in Surviving an Affair along with the great advice I got from this board and MovingForward pretty much from the beginning of this, and I truly believe if it were not for that support, we wouldn't be where we are right now.

I did tell him that if he had ever wavered in the fact that he wanted to be with me and that he loved me, if he would have ever once said to me that he wasn't sure who he wanted, I don't think I would have been able to do this...he said he never wanted to lose me and that he is happy that we are reconnecting again...he seems happy, I hope so...

I know that this isn't over and I know that it could go bad at anytime, but I'm going to be vigilant and keep working on filling his needs and hope for the best...if I want my marriage that's about all I can do for now. The good thing is, he actually read quite a bit of HNHN and he agrees that it makes sense and sees where he failed at filling my needs too...it's obvious to me that he's been trying also, and things are good at the moment....we have a weekend at a B&B we both love scheduled for next month and I'm going to try to go out on another run with him real soon...no more taking each other for granted, it's work, but the results are amazing...

I am glad to see your post, I was just thinking of you yesterday. I am happy to hear that things are going so well.

I've also been thinking of you a lot. Glad to hear things are going well. You sound like a really great person, and it seems like your WH knows that; with your attitude and determination your M has a good chance to come out well. I know you will stay on your toes but I'll say it again anyway; love in your heart but eyes open!

{{I am glad to see your post, I was just thinking of you yesterday. I am happy to hear that things are going so well.}}

Thank you Jean, I'll never forget the encouragement and support you gave to me, please know that it had A LOT to do with where I am now. I'm praying for you and that you will find your bliss in life...

{{I've also been thinking of you a lot. Glad to hear things are going well. You sound like a really great person, and it seems like your WH knows that; with your attitude and determination your M has a good chance to come out well. I know you will stay on your toes but I'll say it again anyway; love in your heart but eyes open!}}

Thank you too, weneedhelp, your support helped me through many tough times in the last month...and don't worry, my eyes will remain wide open..I'm in love with my H, but not blind... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Thank you soooo much...and God Bless you and yours...

You are welcome. Just trying to repay some of the infinite help I've received here.

I'm going to say something you may think is too pessimistic. But I don't think so. I've seen here that affairs have a life of their own, and they don't necessarily die just because a betrayed wife finds out. Not even when the wayward husband seems contrite and repentent. Again I say, you should steel yourself for more discoveries. Even worse, possibly some new behavior that you thought you'd never see again. I hope your WH is done, but the A may not yet be dead.

Good luck and Godspeed. Your MB friends are thinking of you..

{{I've seen here that affairs have a life of their own, and they don't necessarily die just because a betrayed wife finds out. Not even when the wayward husband seems contrite and repentent. Again I say, you should steel yourself for more discoveries. Even worse, possibly some new behavior that you thought you'd never see again. I hope your WH is done, but the A may not yet be dead.}}

This is my worse fear and what keeps me from relaxing too much this soon...you know, the other night when we were talking he said, 'You don't trust me yet do you?' I didn't want to lie but it was hard for me to tell him the truth, I just looked at him and he knew the answer to that...he choked up and said, 'I lost that forever didn't I?' I told him that that was probably true..I'll never again have that blind trust in him that I had, but I am confident in time that I will trust that he loves me enough not to betray me again...that upset him very much and he seemed very angry at himself..but oh well..

He did tell me that when he talked to her the 'last' time, she was pretty angry at him for deciding to work on us and telling her it was over for them....Imagine that, so sorry OW that a 23 year marriage took importance over your little 3 month fling with a married man, poor little skank...I guess I'm hoping that she's mad enough that she won't even want to start up the A again now that she knows he choose me over her. But then again, a 34 year old woman who has never been married and decides to take up a relationship with a married man probably doesn't have a whole lot to fall back on...

I know as long as there's a chance that he sees her even occassionally, I can not even begin to believe it won't start up again...I'm praying he finds another job very soon and that will be one less thing for me to worry over...I'm just hoping that he is the man that I think he is, and not the sneaky, lying, cheat he was for those three months...

I wonder if anyone has recovered their marriage when the WS continued to work with the OP...or if it's even possible. I know that if he worked with her daily, I would have insisted on a job change a lot sooner...

In my case when I exposed to OMW, OM got mad at WW and cut off contact. My WW has attempted contact a few times, but no response. That's not at all what I would hope for, but it's still a partial success. Good luck.

Hi everyone...just thought I'd post an update for all of you who helped me through the early days of this rollercoaster so much..
H started a new job last week (finally) and after no noise from OW for a while, this news was just too much for her I guess and she blocked her number and called his phone..wanted to know if she was the reason he was quitting..YA THINK?...he told her yes she was and that we were working the mess they created out... he then figured out that she was the one behind a couple of other missed calls from blocked numbers, called her and told her to knock it off....long story, but he didn't tell me about calling her until I saw the number on the cell phone records, which I've religiously been checking since D-day...I wasn't real thrilled with this to say the least, so after some deep heart to heart talks, he finally 'got it' and told me if she contacted him again he would let me handle it...yeah, I was skeptical about this too, so I kept an eye on his phone...saw a missed call from her area code (unfamiliar number) on there one day and kept quiet about it for a while....didn't take too long (about 1 hour) before he told me about the call and gave me the phone to call back the number with. Of course the whole time he's saying 'it wouldn't be her, I told her not to call my phone anymore'....

ok, because she's such a moral person she would never do something you asked her not to...uh huh....


Well *amazingly* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> the number was just a different extention from the terminal she works at, so I stayed on the line and informed her boss that the skank had been using the company phone to call my H's phone and had been asked to stop numerous times...she assured me that she would take care of it, I thanked her and that was that....I did realize at that point that it was definatly time for a No Contact letter, so H and I wrote one up..short and to the point and sent it off to her at work (he claims not to know her home address and I couldn't find it on any searches)...gave a copy to her Boss too...no word from anyone so far, so we'll see...

H has offered to switch phones with me, but I think we will be changing the number all together when our contract is up very soon...he tells me he's done and I can trust him (we'll see)...I did do a little bit of a sneaky thing and called his cell phone from a blocked number when I knew he wouldn't be there to answer...just wanted to see if he would tell me about it...and he did.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />...just a small test to help me believe he's being sincere and he passed that one...


anyway, aside from my own feelings of 'close to hate' at times for him for what he's put us through and my natural tendency to not trust a move he makes anymore, I guess we're doing pretty well...just wanted to let ya all know and thank everyone again for all of your help...

Hey there,
glad everything is going ok. I am so glad he switched jobs! I know it must be a huge relief.

Keep hanging in there.

Glad to hear things are working out. The job change must be a relief and I am so glad that your FWH can see OW for the troll skank she is. Great job sending the boss a copy of the NC letter!

Good to see you around!!

Thanks Jean,

I'm still having a hard time trusting him...and I'm having a hard time with the obsessive checking up on him, it feels like it will drive me crazy sometimes, but I know I can't relax about this anytime soon...I've read way to many times how the WS will seem so very sincere about ending the A and then the BS finds out contact never really ended. I don't think I'd be able to stick to any plan but the 'don't let the door hit ya in the a** on the way out' plan if that happens, so I hope it doesn't.

The changing of jobs has been a big relief to me though, and when the contract's up on the phone and we can change the numbers, maybe that will help me to obsess a little less...

Just hanging in there for now and keeping my eyes open..hoping for the best...

It sounds like things are going well. Your husband changing jobs was critical.

Of course you shouldn't trust him right now - he has proven that he is not trustworthy by having the affair, and then the continued contact.

That doesn't mean that you can never trust him again, but it will take months of him behaving honorably to regain your trust.

Be sure to try to spend the suggested 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

Also watch for some dips in your feelings for him. It is normal for the BS to have second thoughts after "winning" their spouse back.

{{Also watch for some dips in your feelings for him. It is normal for the BS to have second thoughts after "winning" their spouse back.}} I've noticed this already Believer, glad to hear it's normal...he really did a lot of damage the couple of times he contacted her after promising he wouldn't...I think maybe (just maybe) he gets it now, but when I allow myself to dwell on the couple of weeks right after D-day, I do find second thoughts dwelling there too..most of the time I'm happy that we've been doing so well...as for the trust, well, we will see if that comes back, at the moment, I forget what it felt like when I did trust him completely..

I know that we (at least I) would have never been able to recover from this if he had continued working there. He was only there every couple of weeks and then only for an hour or two, but we both felt the tension every time he had to go there..he knew I'd never get past this while he still saw her.

It's really going to put a strain on us financially because he only worked there for a year and the job before that a few months, so when we apply for college loans for our daughter this summer, I know it's going to be hard to be approved...It had to happen though...

Another good thing about the new job is no more overnight traveling...during the 3 months his A was going on, he was on the road a lot and I worked a second part-time job, we were lucky to spend 3 or 4 hours a week alone together. I wish I would have paid more attention to that 15 hour rule before it was too late...