I hadn't spoken to my WH since Dec 17th until today. That call didn't go very well. I had a call from our bank the day before about his not making the house payment. I talked to my lawyer and he advised me to call him and tell him to make at least one payment and he would be getting papers the next week. He did make one payment on the next Monday. He called me today about signing some papers on our farm note. My ILs are on the note and he didn't pay the payment on that either. My FIL got a loan to pay the interest and we had to sign the renewal. This is an annual note.

He brought the papers to where I work when I was coming back from lunch. He started in on what did he need to do about the papers he received. I said I don't guess anything we would be going to court. He said they say to respond within 20 days. I told him to take them to his lawyer and respond. He replied he didn't have a lawyer and I said I can't help that. He then wanted to know what we were going to do with the house and property. I said I was going to stay in the house. He said are you going to make half the house payment and I said no you are going to make it. He said he wasn't. I shut the door to the truck and turned and started to walk into the building. He rolled down the window and started hey come back here, come back here we need to talk. I kept walking he said okay I'll come in. He got out of the truck and I said go ahead show your [censored] then. I finally did come back and he started on why did you get a lawyer, you said you wouldn't get a lawyer. I told him I never said that. He still believes I did. He then went into we owe this to Dad and we need to pay him back we can't expect him to pay this and I said I never expected him to pay it. He went on about how money is tight, I now make more money than he does and blah blah blah. I told him he needed to work and he said he was. I told him if he had worked all year instead of played he might have been able to pay the things. He said he wasn't going to get into all that. I guess not, I guess he doesn't want to discuss his A just might be the problem. It went on a few more minutes finally he was just staring at me so I just turned and walked back in and he drove off. I do want to say I'm not afraid he would hurt me physically. He never has and I don't think he would.

Later the bank called me again and said he hadn't made my car payment either. I called my lawyer and set up a time to meet with him the first of the week. I have made out a list of questions so I won't forget what I want to ask him. It's like he moved out and he doesn't think anything needs to be paid. Our court date is Jan 11th and I want to be clear on what I am asking for. Right now all I want is for him to pay the house payment and 500.00 a month in CS.

A divorce is not something I ever wanted but, I'm not sure at this point there is any other solution. WH is living with OW in an apartment for which he pays 400.00 a month rent. His A with the 21 yr old has been going on for a year. I told him to move out on Sept 10th the day after my birthday. I caught him talking to her outside where she worked. I had been doing Plan A though I really hadn't heard about the plans at the time. I tried but he wouldn't stop seeing her and I couldn't take it anymore. We talked after the first week and then I got the I want to come home just give me a little while longer all the while unknown to me she had moved in with him. When I found out I told him I was done. I went out of town overnight and he called me first thing the next morning and said he was coming home. Wrong move I now know. He was home but he wasn't trying to make any changes. He slept on the couch and no SF. He had been home 2 1/2 weeks when I caught him going to the house where they lived and she still lived. I confronted him and he said it was a mistake to come home and I should just let him go. That was on Nov 15th two days after our 23rd anniversery. He rented the apartment and she moved in the next week. He is still trying to hide where he lives and that she is living with him. Everyone in town knows about the affair and also knows how old she is. Most people are disgusted and think it is almost like being a child molester. Everyone has tried to tell him what kind of person she is but he thinks she is a good girl just had a hard life. Nobody has anything good to say about her or her twin sister. Not everyone can be wrong about a person. Why in the world can he not see her like everyone else can? He has his own business and people use to come by all the time. I talked to the guy who works for him and he says less and less people are stopping by all the time. Hardly no one comes by now. He can't see that either. The thing most people say is how can he give up so much for so little. I held out hope that this A would self destruct but so far it hasn't. I don't see how it could possibly work but who knows they may be together for ever.

I don't see any hope. Can anybody just give me some advice. At this point I just think I need some advice on how I'm doing and if there is something else I need to try. It seems hopeless to me.

I think you are doing fine. Keep insisting that he pay for what he needs to pay for. The reality might wake him up, but you never know. I think you need to protect your family and home.

Lots of times, it is the imminent divorce that wakes the WS up. Of course his affair will never last. Even if you do get divorced, you can always remarry. But I would be sure to protect myself financially.

I think I have really surprised him. He always thought he could tell me what to do and I would do it. I don't think he likes it that I am taking care of everything myself. I just don't get why he keeps asking me "Why did you get a lawyer?". Good grief I guess he thought I would sit home while he did exactly what he wanted until he was ready to end it. What a fantasy. I guess reality is a bite. Do you know he actually tried to convince people that me and OW would be friends when this was over. It about makes me sick that he is so deluded he could think that. I wouldn't be her friend even if she wasn't sleeping with my H.

I am trying to protect myself and like others have said prepare for the worst and hope for the best. My ILs have been a godsend and I couldn't thank them enough. They are hurting so bad because of the way he is acting. I wish I could help them someway.

Lots of WS's have the idea that the BS and OP will be friends. YIKES! It just shows how deluded they are.

My WH has been living with OW for 3 years. When I finally filed for divorce, he told me that I should have known he was always planning to come back to me.

Where do they come up with these things? Do you know what my H said when I caught him going to her house after he had spent 2 1/2 weeks at home not trying? That was the time I should have overlooked some things. Like what? You still sleeping with the OW. I would have had to be dead not to know it was still going on and I did overlook a lot of things in the months prior to that.

I think they are of the opinion that we have been with them so long and have loved them so long that we would do anything to keep them at home. I did alot of things I never thought I would just to try and save my marriage. I only felt bad about myself in the end. I don't know where this will end but, I am in a better place right now than I have been since January. It's just when he pulls one of his stunts I need to vent. If I don't see or hear from him I do just fine. I guess my plan b is working for me and isn't that what it's supposed to do.

I have to take my dad to the doctor tomorrow he is scheduled for brain surgery next Thursday. He was diagnosed with cancer in September. It is in his lung, adrenal gland and brain. They are going to remove the biggest tumer next week and radiate the 4 smaller ones. The outlook is grim but we are trying everything possible. Without the surgery they only give him 4 to 6 weeks. This may be why I have detached so much. There are bigger worries out there than my WH. I just wish he could see everything isn't about him. Wishful thinking I guess.

newly,

My prayer go out to you and your father. I hope things go well for him. I lost my dad to a brain anurisum(sp) in 95.
I know how you are feeling......


Your right its all about them nothing else seems to matter right now but what he wants and feels.... I did the same as you I did some things I never thoguth I would do to save this marriage..... I overlooked during plana and almost became a doormat. Heck when he came home for one week I was so good he claimed I smoothered him .... I don't see how I just plana'd my butt off ..... But he said he tried and it won't work.... Duhhhh it takes more than a week to get past this ....

Anyhow keep up the good work and stay on th high road you will be rewarded in the end by being the best Newly you can be....


Hurting

Thanks Hurting, I also feel like I was a doormat and I think the people who knew think so too. One thing it did do for me was everyone saw how hard I tried and everyone also saw how bad he treated me and have told him so. The sad part is he tells people he really tried but it just didn't work and everyone knows by the way he acted that he didn't try at all. He is so lost in the fog he doesn't understand that people don't believe him when he says that. I read on one of these forums where someone said - Years from now people may not remember the details of what happened but they will remember how you act. I pray that is true. Don't ever give up if this is really what you want. I thought I really wanted to save my marriage now I'm beginning to wish it was over and done with. The drama is getting to me. I have enough drama without my H's.

Newly,

I could have posted that exact same thing you just did .... So all I will say is DITTO to all of it....

Maybe our WH'S are twins seperated at birth or something .... they sound so much alike in what they say and do .....

I told someone at work today it's like they have a book they pull out and refer to whenever they do or say something. I can't believe how alike our situations are. I will keep looking for your posts and hope we have satisfactory conclusions to our situations. I pray daily and have let God take over. I just need to be patient for the outcome that he wants and not what I want.

DITTO again ...... I have said the same thing to people ... they have a script they follow lol

We think a lot alike to thats even scary lol

Well Newly, we know it's not gonna last for your WH A. It just can't. How stupid it is!!
I cannot believe he is with a 21 yr old!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


I bet he is shaking in his shoes right now.....

Lady

Newly,

Now yur really scaring me here I assume you live in Tn.

My dad is from Tn. and I lived there a few yrs myself before getting married..

My family is in Sevierville, I know that about 3 hrs away from you....

My first BF from HS lived in Pulaski, TN. guess he still does...

I love Tn.....

Hurting,

Acually I live in Ky about 25 miles from the TN border. I've been to the Smoky Mtns many times and of course have been through Sevierville. What a coincidence this is really scary.

Lady,

I hope he is shaking in his shoes. I doubt it, but I sure hope so. I think he may be the type to stay with her just to prove everybody wrong and because he is to stubborn to do what's right. He may surprise me. Someone called to let me know he recieved his papers and he said let's see how he acts after we go to court. He is also concerned about me and told me to go and have some fun and don't sit home and wait. I assured him I was going and doing exactly what I want. I wasn't just sitting home. It's nice to know you have friends so concerned about you.

newly,

Thats the same thing i have said about my WH, he will stay just to prove a point and that he is right no matter how miserable he may be .....

I personally couldn't do it but then again I am not a crazy man lol

It really is weird how much we have in common.... I guess God sent us here for a reason besides saving our marriages... Finding new friends has been something that has happened since I started posting here. I cherish each and everyone of them.....

This is a wonderful place as well as the people here.....

My H told me if he had never left the first time we would have been okay. But after he left it just wasn't the same. I guess not he was still seeing her after he moved back home how could he feel the same. Is this something that other WH have said after a false reconciliation and was this fog and they later reconciled for good? I haven't heard anyone say this on the boards.

I had a funny thing happen this morning on the way to Nashville. I've said before how my WH has been trying to hide the fact of where he lives and that she is living with him. Well I have to go by there on my to Nashville. I noticed when I went by his shop he wasn't at work. I was thinking he may still be at home. Well lo and behold as I was almost to his house I see him pulling out. I had to drive right past him and he looked straight at me and I looked at him. As soon as I passed him I looked up and OW was getting ready to pull out. I went right by as she was pulling out. I made sure I looked straight at her so she knew it was me. I guess now he knows I know where he lives even though he doesn't know I"ve known for a long time. I bet he could have just about died. Normally when something like that happened I would have called him. This time I didn't bother. I bet he thought I would. That was another surprise for him. I like to keep him on his toes.
How did I do on that?

Newly,

I think you handled that perfectly..... I bet he expected you to call him freaking out....

Instead you took the high road and now have him wondering whats up with Newly..... Good for you .....

As far the moving thing Newly my WH pretty much said the same thing.. If I had never made him leave we could have done this.. But once he moved out and then came back home a month later he felt out of place and uncomfortable... So he went back to her... This of course after she contacted him after a few days.... The pull of the addiction is so bad home was not home anymore.....

Don't know if it ever will be again for him.... Heck I am even uncomfortable myself sometimes because things have changed so much.... But its still home....

I hope he is wondering and maybe a little worried. He needs to worry. I've worried for a year now it's his turn.

I am beginning to think my H is one who will never wake up and realize what he has done. I think he may be one of those who never get it. I hope I'm wrong but right now I don't think so.

I hope to never have an addiction. It has got to be one of the worse things ever. I think to know something is bad for you but you just can't help yourself has got to be a miserable feeling. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who heard this. The similarities in our situations are almost scary.

Newly,

It is scary because they are so much alike but w hen you look at it in the scope of things, it makes you realize they all follow the same script.

I used to thik before I found MB'S that my H was unique and no one ever said or did the things he did. I truely thought he had a nervous breakdown or something.

But once I started reading and saw almost 99% of what he said and did has been done 1000's of times by dfferent people, thats when I realized wow he is no different than any other cheater....

I like you think mine may be one of the ones who won't wake up or will wake up way to late for me. But as I have seen on here by reading old posts there have been many turn arounds no one would have ever expected. Sad part is there are some sitchs that looked so promising that never worked out. So its hard to predict who will and who won't make it..

All we can do is keep praying and working on ourselves to become stronger people. If one day they get it we will be prepared for the hard work of recovery, if they don't then we will be ready to go into our own futures stronger and happier....

One way or the other Newly we will be alright and have no regrets because we tried our best to save our marriages.....

The one thing that keeps going through my mind is Why was our marriage not worth fighting for? I just don't get it. We had a pretty good marriage up until this happened. I was a SAHM for several years and he worked really long hours. I had to do most everything around the house so I just got used to it. Even after I went to work full time I still did everything around here. That is what really burns alot of my H's friends. They say he had it made and he didn't realize it. They also say he will soon find out what he really had. Maybe, maybe not. He always did pretty much what he wanted as did I. If he wanted to do something and I didn't, I didn't care if he went without me and vice versa. That was when we had real trust. He seems to think that all marriages are that way. I don't know of many that are. I was told by someone the other day and I take it as a great compliment. He said he had tried to tell my WH that all women don't have all the good qualities. Sometimes women can look like super models and they are b***** and sometimes they are homely but are good as gold. He says he told him he had it all an attractive wife who let him do what he wanted, was a good person and didn't b****. He says it doesn't sink in now but it will. I surely hope so. That is what I struggle with. Why wasn't I worth the fight? I will never understand.

Newly,

I agree with all you just said. Our marriage was the same way. Only exception was H did all of the yardwork, he loves working the yard. He has flower gardens all over the place. He does miss all of that I know. When I was still in planA he would come over and still do some work in the yard. He would always remind me to water his flowers.

We were the same way about going places and doing things if I didn't want to go he went and never was a problem with it and vice versa. I never had no reason not to trust him. When he used to go bowling last year one of the kids always went with him. I had stopped bowling last year because after 10 yrs I just wanted a break from it. Thats when OW swooped in... I like you can't understand why I and our marriage is not worth fighting for.

But as I keep getting told its something we will never understand because its insanity......