Well I dont know it this is the right post. My heart doesnt want to divorce, but my main yes. Im dessperated.
I just have 6 years marriage. And since one and a half year things in my M are bad, and this 2005 year was so difficult. We dont speak more, we always are fighting, and our sexual life is poor also. Once per month and we have 33 years old. If this is normal?
I tried to fix my marital problems, I bought some books and even its hard I have tryied to solve somethins, but it doesnt work.
Its a long story here I ask him today "why are you still with me, if I feel that you doesnt love me anymore?
And he doesnt say anything!!!! my heart was broken, and this was the limit, now I dont know if I can keep trying to
fix our relationship.I know that if a marriage doesnt work, its because spouses (BOTH) doesnt want to accept to the other and do his best to improve their relationship.
I asked for a D to my husband, but as I was asking this since some months ago he doesnt believe me.
Why if I so desperated and just for this I want to ending this marriage?
My Husband doesnt show any sign of interest in build a better marriage. He says "if you want a D, tell me where i should sign?
Today we have a crisis here, and my H doesnt want any thing from me ( he is going to cook for himself, and ironing his clothes, and as Im dessperated, I ask him that he doesnt touch me in any way.

Im dessperate, I have a 3 years old girl and I dont know if I should support all fights and bad moments just to have a complete family?

Please any advice would be appreciated <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I am new to this forum so don't know your situation did your husband have an affair?

Yes, it's harder if you try to fix thing w/o a proper tools. Have you read up the basic concept ?. Please do so.
Love could be recreated. You are responsible for his love for you and vice versa. Stop LB and guess his ENs.

Do you know if there is A going on ? What had happened 1.5 years ago ?.

-rh-

thanks for your answers julieco, redhat

My story is long , you can read some others post from me.

A 1 year ago I started an online affair, EA. OM lives in another country and I never met him. This A finished 6 months ago. My H doesnt known about it. Even I tried to speak with my H about OUR neeeds,it doesnt work. Yesterday was a terrible night. He doesnt want anything from me. And Im not sure if i still love him. I think I love him, but Im dessperate because almost always we are argue, and we made love just once per month!!!
He is a doctor so he doesnt sleep at home two times per week,and I work too so we spent few time together, and most of this time we are arguing.
Sorry, my english isnt good enough.
I havent read about basic concept so Im going to do that.
Im not sure if he is having an affair. If a man read this can you answer why a husband of 32 years old doesnt want to have sex with his wife? just one time per month... Im sure there is something more than just to be tired,as he told me some time ago when I asked him what happened?

H might not know but H could feel it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> .

When do you think you are going to tell H about it ? and are you really done with your A ? NC ?.

In MB the foundations are care, protect, honesty and time.

You have to stop thinking about what H responses, find out /guess his ENS & LB ... plan A'ng.

-rh-

I cant tell my H about my EA. If I want to keep my marriage alive and work in it for repair our love.

I asked to my H about his needs, he said he didnt know it. But I realized that he wants a woman like a housekeeper (how do you say a woman who stay at home instead of go to work?)

I always have been working and my work keep me away from home long time. But I doing my best now in order to change this. In fact I want to ask my boss for another schedule at office. In order to arrive earlier and live office earlier too. I hope this works.

Im cooking for my H (late at night when I came from office). And I want to lose some weight because my pregnancy let me some pounds over. For my H is very important how you look like.

ABout my EA, it finished, we are friends, and we are near to be in NC. Yesterday OM called me and we talked just 10 minutes. You know , best wishes for new year... And I havent spoken with him since some weeks ago.
At the ending of this A I was depressed and sad, but I focused in my family and tried to keep me busy. (and this is easy in this days), so time is helping me. I missed OM talking and he was a good listener, but that is over.

Redhat, are you a man? or woman? If you are a man, could you give me your opinion about my last question un last post, about having sex just once per month? why? obviously there is something wrong in a relationship like this.

I think my H doesnt love me anymore and maybe he has an A too, or he stay with me just because of our daughter.

Im confused about all this, some days Im convinced that I need to get divorced, and others I want to fight for my marriage.

I understand. Bare in mind that you need to tell him later when M is in a better state.

Doesn't need him to speel it for you. Think what made him smile if you did something. Surprise him w/ cleaning the house spotless and see if his mood change at all.

Good job, you have to spend 15 hours per week undivided attention to fillin each other ENs ... no short cut here.

Well, this is the funny thing about fillin ENs. Effort counts and build love units. Just because you started working out at curve for instance, you deposit LU$ !. Not much but it is a start <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. For cooking, you could cook during the weekend and frozen 'em or get everything ready so H just needs to put it together. You see ... even ordering from local restaurant and get 'em deliver when H is ready to eat ... deposits LU$ too. This would buy you time while making permanent changes in your schedule.

Take it this way, you could hire a house cleaning lady to clean up your house ... it still deposit LU$ ... b/c the house is clean (his EN is filled) and you are the one who arrange it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Good for you. You should just write a short email, just copy verbatim from this web site or SAA. Keep the copy for future use. Withdrawal is hard but you have to if you want to work on M. You have a lot to do to get busy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. If you missed to talk to someone ... get a hold of female freind to talk to.

Just click on my name you will see my short profile. I am a man. SF is my 4th ENs, not the top 3. I am happy with once a week. However I am not refusing everyday either <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> . There is no formula. There is no formula on how many time should be ... the right question is "does it change from when both of you were in love ?".

Yes, there is something wrong if one you you are not happy. During my W's affair, I didn't know what's wrong with me ... I was frustated. I didn't know about the A but I could feel it. She was not into the mood and I could feel it ... and the result sex was just become a routine to push some sperms out. I wasn't interested. Our sex live died quickly.

Look, you need to do NC. Don't think about reasons your H is not interested in sex. Time will tell. Guess his ENs and eliminate your LB.

-rh-

dear curly i ask my self the same thing im in similar siduation, If you are fighting all the time and the problems dont change then yes go ahead and file u deserve to be happy just as well as i . Im heading in that direction also, u see yoyr happiness is more important and so is the childs,the more i think we ask them to stay or open up the more they want to dis involve us, i wish you lots of luck keep in touch ok and be strong

Was reading your comments... actually about your situation... knowing when to end a rel is not easy... I'm on the same boat as you... Or asking myself the same questions... Even just subscribed to this forum to try to understand what was going on with myself... so the only thing I could tell you... right now is : you are not alone.... and I'm glad to see I'm not either.... keep reading people's advices... try to get as much as you can from them.... you will evetually understand... that's what I'm hoping for too... Good luck!!!

Fr4ncois

My apologizes because until now I could reply, I was sick.

Thanks to all of you that have replied.

REDHAT!!! Thanks for your answer, and ideas. Let me explain that now Im a housekeeper and a profesional computer also. Sometimes my cook is not so good, because, my job as a DBA demands sometime work from home. So Im working and cooking at same time, and sometimes the dish, is not so good. Im not talking about something that you couldnt eat!! just, without enough taste, or salt, or once the chicken was too much cooked. And my H prefers to eat some sandwiches!! and this hurt me.. I know that you cant force anyone to eat something tha he doesnt like, but, I feel bad because, I feel that my effort is not appreciate.

I feel blue.

Even fights, and argues at home are not so much as before, we still have problems. I think we havent solved the reason qwhy we cant discuss our talk about our problems.

Sex is not my main necesity believe me, but its difficult, if your spouse never touch you, or just once per month.. By the way, I discovered some magazines (not pornography, but with beautiful girls in underware, and sexual tips) at the bathroom. And I understood why my H takes long time for take a bath.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I know there is nothing bad in this magazines, and is normal, but I feel that my H prefers practice masturbation instead to make love with me...

The bad thing here is that OM appears again. We talked by phone again, and he is so tender, that Im afraid I can use him to deal with my problems.

Saturday my H and I were to a dinner, I use some new clothes, and brush my hair, use some makeup, (sorry I dont know how to express the idea) and, I think and I feel me a beautiful woman. Even in street some guys let me know it!!!

But guess what? my H didnt say ANYTHING!! I feel bad and desperate!!

Right now Im not happy, Im confused..

I need help to delete this post!!! please!!1

Dr Phil says before you file for a divorce you should turn over every rock possible. Have you gone to counseling and tried to get help? I breezed through this so I'm not sure if I missed something. Dr. Harley would say your husband is in withdrawl wouldn't he? From personal experience I don't think men have a clue about the effect on porn on their wives when they find it. I found some while married to my husband, it cut me to the core, yet I dont' think he realized how much it hurt and how it made me feel unattractive. You seem to feel that way from what you write, then you dress up and he didn't give you the acknowledgement you were wanting.

I had a baby two years ago. I gained a lot of weight and felt horrible about myself. I didn't want my husband to touch me and I didn't feel sexy at all. Since I left him I lost over 30 pounds and feel better. I learned that some of my insecurities were "me" not "him." I didn't feel good enough, yet he shouldn't have been "neglecting" me either. My marriage didn't work out for many other reasons then what you are describing though.

From your writing it seems that you could use some work on "assertiveness" and "boundaries" too. Learn how to ask for what you want in your marriage, and how to draw lines. A personal counselor and many books could help you with this. Also work on your weight issues for "yourself" if nothing else. You wouldn't believe how my energy went up and how much better I feel without the weight. Practice nutrition and it'll help with your moods too. Find friends outside of your marriage, support through church and other places.

You seem very lonely and as you call it "desperate." I hope you can find a way to start figuring out your personal and marriage problems so that you dont' feel that way. You dont' need to delete messages on this site, we all write things just to vent now and then - when we are the most down. There's something healing to venting too. Things we woudln't "say" in the real world are ok here.

Take care.