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Sure, there are lots of reasons why weight gain may be caused by something other than calories in > calories out, and I don't know them all. But I know a few:
- gnarly big tumors - pregnancy (a gnarly big tumor you have to dress and feed for 18 years) - bizarre forms of fluid retention -- this one is more common than most people realize. There are a number of metabolic dysfunctions that do this, and when that's the case, a normal weight-loss diet can be the worst thing to do, since it mucks with the metabolism further.
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These still sound like "calories in > calories out". You are explaining why the "calories out" part might decrease (e.g. the calories and mass end up going into a tumor, instead of being burned), but I don't think you are disproving the poster's original statement.
AGG
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MH, YOU SAID:
""She lost weight, got down to maybe 185. It was still out of my “comfort zone” … no, let’s be honest … it was way out of my “lust zone”, but things were at least much improved. While I hadn’t forgotten what she’d said, I figured that actions spoke louder than words, and in mid-April I proposed, and she accepted.
By the time the wedding rolled around in the first week of August, she was back up to 205 or so, and I was not feeling too cheerful. It wasn’t too long before she’d put on even another 20 pounds more."""
Ok, she lost some weight before the you proposed but you still were NOT ATTRACTED to her body. At that point, when she weighted 185 you should have assessed the situation and broken up. Because YOU did not accept her even then.
Then, you were given the truth of her weight problems when she gained all the weight back before the wedding. She could not keep the weight down. Even for the wedding. This was your clue.
At that time, you would have been smart to admit to yourself that this woman, physically, is not what you are looking to marry even though she had other good qualities and you should have broken off the engagement at that point.
Then, lets say you accidently ignored all your own feelings and the truth of the matter of her weight and still married her. Which is what you did do. Well, then, you could have refused to create a child with her! You could have used birth control, condoms, all the time. I am sure a pregnancy was high risk in a heavy person that she is. You risked her health and have now joined yourself to her furthur by the child.
You made several errors that cost you and her and now the child:
1. You continued to date a woman you could not truly accept becoming emotionally involved with her and her with you. 2. You forced a marriage with a woman you could not accept physically rather than "waiting". 3. You had a child with a woman you cannot accept physically 4. You are still living with a woman you cannot accept physicallly.
Your errors will hurt you, your wife, and your child in the long run.
What I would like to know here is why you were not strong enough to break up with her in the fist place???? What was the deal? We date in order to find a partner we can accept, if we cannot accept them we break it off and look furthur.
1. Were you too lazy to date any more? 2. Did you have a mental problem or disability in that you could not break up with her? 3. Did you lie to yourself about her and do you continue to lie about other things to yourself? 4. Did you not have the guts to stand up for what you felt? 5. Why did you rush into marriage, was there some rush? What propelled you to rush into marriage instead of waiting? 6. How could you bear to walk down the marriage aisle with this woman who was 205 lbs knowing how you felt inside about it? Were you drunk at the time? (I would have to be drunk to make an error like that but It could have happened to me too had I been totally drunk)
7. Are you unable to love and honor and respect yourself and your own feelings?
What was your problem in that you did not break it off while dating???? Or wait until the relationship, and her weight, was OK for you before ever thinking of marriage?
Did she push you into marrying her? Did she promise to lose weight for you?
Last edited by Stellakat; 01/03/06 11:28 AM.
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pregnancy (a gnarly big tumor you have to dress and feed for 18 years) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Made me laugh. But isn't the point that no matter what the reason, this man needs to make a decision IF SHE STAYS AS SHE IS RIGHT NOW. You can't bank on changes. Edited to add: He can't bank on HER changes. He can only change himself.
Last edited by realitycheque; 01/03/06 11:25 AM.
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These still sound like "calories in > calories out". You are explaining why the "calories out" part might decrease (e.g. the calories and mass end up going into a tumor, instead of being burned), but I don't think you are disproving the poster's original statement.
AGG ROFL. I might buy the argument about calories turning into a tumor or a kid, but fluid retention? That's just plain silly.
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I had had nothing but bad luck with women since the end of my seven-year marriage in 1989, WHY?????? Good question. I'm a bit of a conundrum, a little redneck, a little hi-tech geek. Not tall, dark and handsome ... Always liked living out in the country, where the opportunities for singles are a little fewer and farther between. So if you made a list of all the good things about your wife and a list of all the negative things - the good would far out "weight" the bad???? The only thing on the negative side would be her weight?? Pretty much. We have some of the normal irritations that every married couple has ... but I'd bet far fewer than average. She's quite loveable. And I do love her.[/quote] Yes, you M her knowing she was overweight - BUT there was a time before you proposed to her that she valued you, herself and the relationship - she did it - she lost some weight..then right before the M she started gaining AGAIN..WHY???? Well, to tell the truth, it was probably right after we were engaged <LOL>. [/quote] I can attest to emotional eating or not eating - I have dear friends that when they are upset they eat and don't stop, then it becomes a pattern of overeating. I do the opposite - I don't eat. I physically can't eat. When my WH mocked me about how thin I was getting, that I looked like ****** it didn't make me want to eat - it made me eat less.
Would I marry an extrememly overweight man - NO..Because, if I met him and wasn't attracted to him - it would not have gone any further - fist date, last date. But, it sounds like you were emotionally empty at the time and her easy nature, brains, etc. filled a void for you.
I think you did right to tell her "You need her to lose weight". You were brutily honest about your needs - maybe a late - but, you told her. But I had told her before, and since. More than once. I don't harp on it, but the subject comes up in a big way once every year or two. It's never been a secret. I must admit, at first I hoped/thought that it would become less important to me, that I'd "adapt". I have tried to do that. I have failed. My reactions are visceral, and I can't "talk myself out of them". I wish that I could. Your story could be worse - you could be in a full blown A and using her weight to justify your A..
But honestly, if she did get down to 150 - 160 do you think the "lust" "love" would return?? On my part? You betcha! I've got a lot of time to make up for. For her, I'm pretty sure that there'd be a nagging voice in her head, saying, "But he's not supposed to *care* how fat I am." At the same time, I still have a three-year-old email from her ... let me find the quote ... "Every morning I wake up I look in the mirror and I say "today's the day", but by the end of the day it's apparent that it wasn't the day... ".
ME: 53 HER: long gone now #1 Son: 10
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I followed this thread in the beginning and scanned a few of the posts towards the end, so I might have missed something that was already brought up.
While I can see how this is a very important issue for the husband and his attraction towards his wife, I wonder if she has thought much about how her weight might affect her health. I am sure she has every intention of raising her son into adulthood, but obesity can put undo strain on the heart, cause blood pressure issues, give us weight-induced diabetes, I mean...there is a legitimate health concern here.
Although he would find a way to do it, the OP doesn't want to have to raise their child alone. A child needs his mother. And if she won't do this to save her marriage, maybe she'll do it out of love and concern for her child...
If he broaches this subject as causing him a great deal of anxiety about the future of the marriage AND the prospects of the child growing up without her, perhaps she will start to realize this isn't completely an issue of attraction and SF but one of health as well.
Sooly
Sooly
"Stop yappin and make it happen." "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
Me 47 DH 46 Together for 28 years. Married 21 years.
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MisHubby said that he had a string of bad luck before finding his W. Perhaps part of the reason that he "settled" for an overweight woman was that she was so nice, caring, special, etc, that compared to the wackos he dated, she was a diamond. Perhaps, also, he thought that the nice, caring, special qualities would outweigh his dissatisfaction with her weight.
Another thing - when one spouse has an affair, they often re-write history to make like they had a reason to cheat (i.e. I never loved you, you never met my needs, etc). These statements are usually made while still in a state of conflict or withdrawal from the other spouse.
If MisHubby is in a state of conflict with his W, he may also be re-writing history. When they married, he was probably on cloud 9 and so in love with his nice, caring, sweet wife, that he probably thought that they could overcome anything. The honeymoon is over now, and he's realized that he has a real problem.
Sure he made a mistake by not addressing this before, but what the focus should be now is how to make things right. Telling him that it's his fault he's where he is isn't productive.
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I say this, explore WHY you got into this mess(with my questions and for your own good to know how to approach this issue) and then listen to Sooly and try and figure out a way to save your wife's health and life by helping her lose weight.
She needs help. She may need mental health therapy and a weight loss group. She may need intensive weight loss support from others including you. It can be done and should be tried before separation or divorce. There are 100 ways out there to help a person get to a healthy weight.
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I agree that he should explore your questions, stellakat. But why are we focusing on HER when HE is the one here, and he CANNOT change HER, only HIMSELF?
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Yes, I feel so in love with my husband I ignored lots of things too:
1. His smoking 2. Hid drinking 3. The fact our sex life was not all I wanted it to be.
These things were hard to deal with and though most of them are worked out, he has quit smoking, cut down on drinking, and our sex life is better, it was still very difficult. But when you are in love you tend to ignore things or flaws in the other person. I did!
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RC, read my previos post about 3 posts back. I asked him to face his part in this....
Last edited by Stellakat; 01/03/06 11:56 AM.
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2) Read my original post. I proposed *after* she lost weight. If she had said, "I can do it.", and then didn't, your criticisms would be much better founded. Piling on the pounds after an engagement ring is on the finger *is* stereotypical. Firstly--you said in your original post that she lost weight but you STILL weren't attracted to her, so yes--you were dishonest. 4) What many have called "making excuses for your relationship" and being "dishonest" were neither. I've been completely honest. What I wrote in the initial post was, to a large extent, an answer to my own question, "how did we get here?". You got into this mess by being dishonest. If you're in denial, that's just another one of your many problems...you laid out the facts yourself. I wasn't trying to attack you, btw. My intention was to show you that although you feel that your W isn't meeting your need for AS, you've also been guilty of not meeting the need for RH. In fact, you haven't met the need for COMMON decency! You are incapable of telling the truth about your feelings, it seems. To all those hefty gals who have found men "who love them at whatever weight" and are "happy with their bodies", bravo! But were I you, I would give a little thought to the chance that your men are trying VERY hard to meet *your* needs, while denying their own --- BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU! HA, HA, HA... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> A guy who uses the term "HEFTY" to describe a woman's weight is really scoring a lot of points, isn't he? Hehe--I think it's pretty funny that you believe that ALL men feel the way you do. There are plenty of men who love their Wives, regardless of their weight. Take a look at my wedding photos--I was FAT when I married my Husband, I was FAT when I met him and if I stay FAT until the day I DIE, he'll still be the HAPPIEST Husband in the world (his words, not mine). I'm beginning to wonder if your Wife overeats to compensate for her PRIZE of a Husband.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Married 6 years on July 23, 2011--no issues and deeply in love--thanks, MB!
I'm convinced that I'm married to the most wonderful man alive.... I hear and I forget. I see and I believe. I do and I understand. Confucius (B.C. 551-479)
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Soolee wrote: While I can see how this is a very important issue for the husband and his attraction towards his wife, I wonder if she has thought much about how her weight might affect her health. I am sure she has every intention of raising her son into adulthood, but obesity can put undo strain on the heart, cause blood pressure issues, give us weight-induced diabetes, I mean...there is a legitimate health concern here. Soolee is very wise. My BIL is morbidly obese due to overeating. He and his family (they're all huge) eat non-stop, and their house is full of Sam's Club sized containers of peanuts, chips, and every kind of junk food you can imagine. These people will chow heavily on snacks/sandwiches less than an hour before the holiday dinner. So MOS, still think that overeating isn't the main problem here? BIL cannot walk out to the mailbox without getting winded. For years, he has endured COPD, sleep apnea, and diabetes, and his most recent acquisition is pancreatic cancer, which may not be operable because of his obesity and sleep apnea (anesthesia issues). We were surprised to see him reach 50. So if you can't reach her from the aesthetic perspective, you could try from the health perspective (maybe get in cahoots with her doctor?). And rid the house of junk food. Eat veggies and hummos instead of chips and peanuts (this actually worked wonders for me). Drink lots of water. Blah, blah, blah, you don't need to hear it from me.
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Soolee is very wise. My BIL is morbidly obese due to overeating. He and his family (they're all huge) eat non-stop, and their house is full of Sam's Club sized containers of peanuts, chips, and every kind of junk food you can imagine. These people will chow heavily on snacks/sandwiches less than an hour before the holiday dinner. So MOS, still think that overeating isn't the main problem here? You seem to have me confused with someone else. Your question makes zero sense in regard to anything I've said -- you might want to sort out which poster you're talking to.
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Soolee is very wise. My BIL is morbidly obese due to overeating. He and his family (they're all huge) eat non-stop, and their house is full of Sam's Club sized containers of peanuts, chips, and every kind of junk food you can imagine. These people will chow heavily on snacks/sandwiches less than an hour before the holiday dinner. So MOS, still think that overeating isn't the main problem here? You seem to have me confused with someone else. Your question makes zero sense in regard to anything I've said -- you might want to sort out which poster you're talking to. No confusion whatsoever, MOS. Let me refresh your memory by reposting the one where you "died laughing" when I said that weight gain happens when one eats more than one burns off. Sorry, Symphony, but there is one and only one cause. Excess weight happens when a person takes in more calories than he/she burns off. Plain and simple. This isn't rocket science. I got this far in this post and I just about died laughing. That's one of the goofiest statements I've ever read. I'll grant you for many and perhaps most cases taking in more calories than are burned is the cause of excess weight, but saying that is the ONLY cause is so silly it's hilarious. Anyone who tries to downplay the role overeating plays in weight problems has their head seriously stuck in the sand.
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ROFL. I laughed my head off and still am doing so because you said there is "one and only one cause" of weight gain. That is one of the silliest things I've ever heard. Even if you broaden the "one cause" to calories in > calories out, it's still not true.
I never tried "to downplay the role overeating plays in weight problems" -- you're confusing me with someone else or the voices in your head again.
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No confusion whatsoever, MOS. Let me refresh your memory by reposting the one where you "died laughing" when I said that weight gain happens when one eats more than one burns off. I also am having trouble understanding why MOS found your original words so amusing and silly. She seems to be aware of some phenomenon that defies the basic principles of conservation of energy and conservation of mass, and I am still hoping that she can enlighten us as to what they might be. AGG
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2) Read my original post. I proposed *after* she lost weight. If she had said, "I can do it.", and then didn't, your criticisms would be much better founded. Piling on the pounds after an engagement ring is on the finger *is* stereotypical. Firstly--you said in your original post that she lost weight but you STILL weren't attracted to her, so yes--you were dishonest. I said things were "much improved". I believed at the time that it would only get better. There was no reason to believe that she would stop losing weight, and every reason to believe (and yes, to *want* to believe) that she would continue. I wasn't trying to attack you, btw. OK, here's some RH for you. The above statement is total bull. As you prove in your last sentence. My intention was to show you that although you feel that your W isn't meeting your need for AS, you've also been guilty of not meeting the need for RH. In fact, you haven't met the need for COMMON decency! You are incapable of telling the truth about your feelings, it seems. Not true. As I've stated, the subject has come up in a major way about half a dozen times over the years. I try not to *nag* about it. To all those hefty gals who have found men "who love them at whatever weight" and are "happy with their bodies", bravo! But were I you, I would give a little thought to the chance that your men are trying VERY hard to meet *your* needs, while denying their own --- BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU! HA, HA, HA... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> A guy who uses the term "HEFTY" to describe a woman's weight is really scoring a lot of points, isn't he? I apologize for the use of the euphemism. Hehe--I think it's pretty funny that you believe that ALL men feel the way you do. There are plenty of men who love their Wives, regardless of their weight. Take a look at my wedding photos--I was FAT when I married my Husband, I was FAT when I met him and if I stay FAT until the day I DIE, he'll still be the HAPPIEST Husband in the world (his words, not mine). Well .... actually, I checked out those photos before I wrote what I did, and I must admit that I was thinking of you. I did NOT say "ALL men" ... I said "chance", and "odds", and I think that the truth of the matter is hardly debatable: most men find fat unappealing. I'm beginning to wonder if your Wife overeats to compensate for her PRIZE of a Husband.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Hmmm ... and what are you compensating for?
ME: 53 HER: long gone now #1 Son: 10
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