thanks but NOT a likely scenerio at all..
and my W's time is accounted for almost 100% of the time..

we talk and email all day.

I';ve lost no leverage but I haven't exposed to my W. OM is aware of my knowledge and I did threaten to tell his W.. I still may tomorrow.. My W says that God must protect her, not me..What the ****** is that?? NOW she's wants to protect his W.. Bs...

In answer to your original question - can a marriage survive without honesty - NO. Mine is living proof.

I thought I had married an honest man, one with integrity. Guess it was a pretty good snow job on his part. He now says he has never been honest with me.

WOW.. Monday, Monday and no replied. oh well.. for all those following this one, here's the finale...

1) I was able to expose without giving up my cover. I explained that she had left an email opened, which she did.

2) She send OM an email asking him to never contact her again and to take care of his wife and children. She made the mistake of saying per my husband.. but she's not perfect. I should have checked first.. whatever.. it's over.. she also sent him a reply to his last email where he apolgized before sending the formal NC request letter, and to that one, he was he was very, very sorry.

3) I never exposed to the OM's W. I will start a new thread on that one shortly. I could but I chose not to... she's innocent and he will get caught someday, only not with my W.

4) My W is struggling for my lack of trust and is still learning that her behavious was wrong.. After all this, she says she thought it was "in fun".. like a 17 year old girl on myspace.com... she doesn't know when someone is inappropiate and asked me for help.. My head buys it.. as for my heart.. time will tell.

5) I made it very clear to W in no uncertain terms that this entire incident, back to back woth 4 months ago (see prior Earthman Threads) has forced me to truly question who and what she is and while I love her, I may not be able to serve as her husband if she doesn't understand my right from wrong. I explained that emails requesting photos is wrong by MOST if not all standards even for a healthy couple, let alone an unstable and recently shaken one.

6) She's still wondering the extent of my snooping but I'm not ready to give it up. If that's bad karma towards our recovery.. too bad..

7) Maybe now we can focus, truly focus on recovery....

Any final/closing tips on how to proceed and maximize this time would be appreciated.

God bless and good luck to you all...

EM

Earthman, this is a huge mistake. First off, the OMW cannot protect herself from her H and your W if she is not aware of the affair. She needs to know what is going on in order the stop her H from pursuing your W. Having 2 people know about the affair increases the odds that the affair does not resume.

Secondly, you have a moral obligation to warn this woman that her sleazy husband your W are carrying on a secret affair behind her back. Shouldn't she be afforded the same opportunity to save her marriage that you have recieved? Well, she can't very well save her marriage if no one will tell her she is being harmed behind her back. To knowingly withhold this knowledge frm her is cruel and callous.

Not exposing to your W and the OM's victim hurts everyone involved, Earthman. It hurts you by increasing the risk of a resumption, it hurts the affairees by enabling their secrets, and it hurts the OMW by allowing her to live in ignorance of the harm that is being done to her and her children.

The only decent thing you can do is notify this woman so she can take steps to protect herself and her children from your W and her H.

thank you and I understand your perspective. at this point, I am NOT worried about resumption...

a) my W wasn't having ""an A".. she was carrying on in an email and not totally understanding the dangers in it.. she did a NC, she removed his email from her mail account and she was scared [censored] last night when I told her that I have ZERO trust in her now, whether I believe her naivity in the emails or not... and that we are back to sqaure one on that front. I also think for the first time, for real, that my W realizes that I have seriously considered that while we love each other, we may not be able to stay married if she can't committ 100% to the marriage. we cried and spoke all night about this, then made love and she's called me 4 times already today.. Usually it's me calling her... let's see where this goes..

b) The OM will be exposed one way or another. while I hear what you're saying, I will not jeopardize my family with the fact that I do not know what this guy's wife would do with that news NOR do I know what he would do if she turned up and left him or something.... this is not the wild west or a movie folks and while I'm a pretty tough guy by most standards AND have lots of weapons in the house, I am nOT about to put my family in any danger just to be righteous... My W if my problem... God will have to take care of his wife...

JFTR, I did send OM an email asking him how his wife would feel about the emails so what's he thinking.... I still have everything but I have a lot to digest right now without complicating things further...

I also started up another thread on the subject of EXPOSURE and keeping one's family safe...

thanks again and God bless us all...

EM

What usually happens is the BS is extremely GRATEFUL that you were decent and kind enough to alert her that her H was having an affair behind her back. It is viewed as an act of common decency. Often they cry and are upset, but are almost always very grateful.

And no, the OM will not be exposed if the people who know, like you, continue to hide his secret for him from his victims. Helping him hide this secret does not help any family, it only hurts.

Hiding this secret for the affairees helps only ONE THING: the affair. It does not help anyone or anything else.

thanks again.. therapist and close friend both of which are very close to this matter and intimate with details feel that I've killed it....

this was email chatter they were having.. not sex....

I need to take care of my W and my family now... and I'm on the fence with exposure...

EM, you do understand this was an affair, right?

oh boy... yes, they were having an affair.. if sex was involved, he would be in a hospital right now, just to let you know my metrics for the term...

If I "THINK" about having sex with another women, then I'm cheating as well.. right?? come on... she was not respectful or trustworthy and claims she didn't know it wasn't harmless. I'm afraid she still doesn't get it 100%, which confirms my impressions..

let's agree to disagree...

huh? What did we disagree on, EM?

The point I am trying to make to you is that an affair is an affair. A physical component does not make it any less or more an affair. In fact, an emotional affair is much more intense for a woman than is an affair with sex alone. It would be a mistake to underestimate the power of the intensity of this affair just because it did not get physical.


I have no idea what this outburst is about so I can't respond.

Earthman-

PLEASE...take time to read through my situation as I've posted it on IN RECOVERY.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Take a look at the thread here by CARDSONLY...the stories in it by 2BNormal...by Sysyphus.

You're making this out to be a much lesser issue because they weren't together physically. This is NOT the case my friend.

My wife was never physically 'with' OM in the manner you feel is the biggest issue...but only because it was caught when it was. Emotional affairs are DEVESTATING to a marriage too.

Your wife has been involved in at least one other affair, and now this. You need to stop and recognize the severity of the situation here...don't think it's anything LESS than infidelity and an affair just because you caught it at the beginning. I'm not attacking here...but please, read my story. It was just emails and IM's and phone calls too...right up to the end.

And...OMW would likely agree with me on this...wouldn't YOU rather she had told you if she had found out first???

What outburst?? It's a valid question..

Is it an affair, or cheating if it's in your mind?? If you think or masterbate about another person other than your beloved Spouse?

Is that cheating? I think so according to the bible, it is....

wow... I'm going to ****** in a handbasket.....

;-)

EM:

If you ever find out that she had SF with him, please send him our way after you get through with him, we could use the RVU's.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

RVUs..

no sex.. 110% sure of it..

No, its not a valid question. Its a silly diversion.

ANSWER the QUESTION!

Have you not committed adultery for "thinking" of coveting another's spouse??

Well ??

The Scripture says you have.